DH says my family are too over involved in our (unborn) baby - WIBU?

[ShinyPrettyThings]

Have nc'd for this and am genuinely interested in hearing viewpoints.

Currently pregnant with much wanted baby. I suffered two mc's before this.

The pregnancy has been awful - I've had HG since week 5 and have been in & out of hospital at least twice a week for fluids. Now entering the 3rd trimester, feeling much better and beginning to get organised for LOs arrival.

My family are really close knit - lived next door to my cousins growing up and count them plus my sister as my best friends. DC is the first baby in the family for over 20 years. I live 200 miles from them but in touch everyday. Also have a WhatsApp group which DH is part of.

DH has shown no interest at all in "baby stuff" bar finding out sex and colour of the nursery. I wanted a surprise but he desperately wanted to know - I booked a surprise private scan for him. We've gone with his choice of nursery colours despite him and his ex fiancé jointly purchasing a significant item with this colour scheme - bit but I was just happy he offered something more than "don't care" or "you choose."

I have tried discussing prams/cots/changing bags/names with him countless times - shown him videos - but he genuinely has no interest and changes the subject, so I talk to my family about it now instead. He is now claiming my family are "taking over." Just a few examples:

DM sent us a little package of a few baby grows plus some nice toiletries for me (& a book for DH which he hasn't picked up).

My cousin very kindly sent us a little outfit plus a voucher when we found out we were having a girl. Every time I suggested going to the shop to spend it, something was more important - The Ashes, transfer deadline news, needs to paint the shed - so I ended up going by myself. We had a massive argument when I got back because I didn't involve him

My DSis bought a little baby blanket back from her holiday for us - DH got upset because my family are choosing "everything" for our baby.

Today reached a new pinnacle.
I've been talking to him for months about prams, asked his opinions, dragged him to MC (via Homebase) to look - when I was speaking to the shop assistant about the one I'd been researching, he wandered off. My DSF very kindly offered to buy it for us and this morning it arrived in the post.

DH completely flew off the handles because I apparently haven't consulted him about any of it, again he doesn't feel he has any choice for "our baby", I may have just as well used him as a sperm donor.

I'm really hurt and upset that he feels like this but equally don't understand how I'm meant to communicate with him about "baby stuff" when he shuts me down. I genuinely think he believes she will just arrive and a fairy will magically kit our house out with everything we need.

Who is BU? And if I am, what can I do to involve him more when he clearly isn't interested in discussing anything baby related with me?

So in summary - he has to have the final decision on when and what is bought. If not he will sulk and get angry with you.

He is uncompromising. Stick to your reasonable approach. Invite him to discuss items to be bought, agree a timeframe and then go ahead. Don't let him guilt you into normal involvement of your family.

It doesn't surprise me that he has a poor family dynamic. Is he perhaps golden boy and brother scapegoat?

"I think he is reacting to his own guilt about not being involved and being clueless about what stuff to buy. Blaming your family for his own shortcomings when you've had a hard pregnancy isn't a good sign is it?"

^This. He'd rather make out like your family are over involved, than admit he has no interest whatsoever in the baby or baby stuff. Tosser.

And yes op, him doing that is gaslighting/abusive

YANBU however I suspect it is female relations who are very excited in general excluding the pram purchase. I suspect DH hasn't the first clue as to what a baby needs and the sheer quantity of stuff.
He is most likely foolish enough to think you can buy it all once the baby arrives. You need to strongly need to spell this out as well as the things you need been just to take to hospital for the birth like a car seat and then a crib for when you get home.
My DH was ambivalent and also thought my family were also excessively interested but just had the odd moan and I ignored him anyway and told him to get with the plot, babies need stuff and someone needs to sort it out. If he wasn't interested he didn't have to do it but it needed sorting out before I was whale like and immobile.
Some men think that painting the nursery is the baby bit done. They can be utterly clueless.

DH had a last minute freak about the birth and what to do and suddenly asked for a "manual". I think that summarises it!

Have you spelt it out to him? Like you have with us. As in “I understand you feel left out but these are all the occasions I tried to involve you and this is how you behaved” the pram is a perfect example. Communication is hard enough, once you become a parent it’s even harder. We all walk around with assumptions about how things should happen... when you went to look at the pram did you tell him “this is the one I’ve done lots of research on and think it’s the best, what do you think?” “DSF wants to buy our pram, I think we should buy this one”. Lots of people are calling him a dick, but he might just be terrified. You’ve been really sick, you had those miscarriages (I am very sorry to hear that).... talk to him. You both need to feel supported and heard by each other. It’s only going to be harder to communicate effectively once baby girl arrives and you’re sleep deprived.
Good luck l!

OK - having read it all, I think that there is some truth to the "raw nerve" thing - his blood family have been totally uninterested and distant, whereas yours are all interested and in there, and he's sad and resentful and jealous of that.

But he's still gaslighting you as well, by saying you haven't even asked him, when you HAVE and he's refused to discuss it.

Being sad/resentful/jealous of your family interactions is not a mature response - he should be happy that at least one of you has helpful family, however hurtful his own family's behaviour is - although I get it, I do. His reactions to his feelings are not good though - blaming YOU for it, rather than sticking the blame where it belongs - that's very bad.

You say he's not abusive but that label doesn't just apply to out and out bullies who hit you - read up on emotional abuse, gaslighting etc. before you make that statement - because, as I already said, he IS gaslighting you. And blaming you for stuff that is not your fault.

I'm sorry he's behaving this way, he needs to stop it before the baby comes or perhaps he'll start feeling jealous of the baby as well!

The lemon and grey thing - I don't think that's related to his ex-F at all, just to the fact that it's the only colourscheme that he truly loves, so I wouldn't worry too much about it - just tweak the lemon to a primrose and the grey to a very soft pearly dove colour and it should look lovely - you can always have prettier/ more vibrant colours in the bedding or curtains.

I think you need to have a chat with him though, along the lines of "is everything ok? I don't know why you're saying I haven't included you when I've asked and asked, and all you've done is tell me that you don't want to discuss it. I understand that you might be worried about this baby, because of the previous miscarriages, but we need to TALK to each other about our worries and feelings, not shut each other out."

I've never been one to get that excited about buying baby stuff. I'm 37 weeks and last week we got a car seat and pushchair because we realised we'd have nothing to take the baby home in and I also became high risk quite suddenly. However I would be nothing but grateful if people had kindly bought presents for the baby.