DH says my family are too over involved in our (unborn) baby - WIBU?

[ShinyPrettyThings]

Have nc'd for this and am genuinely interested in hearing viewpoints.

Currently pregnant with much wanted baby. I suffered two mc's before this.

The pregnancy has been awful - I've had HG since week 5 and have been in & out of hospital at least twice a week for fluids. Now entering the 3rd trimester, feeling much better and beginning to get organised for LOs arrival.

My family are really close knit - lived next door to my cousins growing up and count them plus my sister as my best friends. DC is the first baby in the family for over 20 years. I live 200 miles from them but in touch everyday. Also have a WhatsApp group which DH is part of.

DH has shown no interest at all in "baby stuff" bar finding out sex and colour of the nursery. I wanted a surprise but he desperately wanted to know - I booked a surprise private scan for him. We've gone with his choice of nursery colours despite him and his ex fiancé jointly purchasing a significant item with this colour scheme - bit but I was just happy he offered something more than "don't care" or "you choose."

I have tried discussing prams/cots/changing bags/names with him countless times - shown him videos - but he genuinely has no interest and changes the subject, so I talk to my family about it now instead. He is now claiming my family are "taking over." Just a few examples:

DM sent us a little package of a few baby grows plus some nice toiletries for me (& a book for DH which he hasn't picked up).

My cousin very kindly sent us a little outfit plus a voucher when we found out we were having a girl. Every time I suggested going to the shop to spend it, something was more important - The Ashes, transfer deadline news, needs to paint the shed - so I ended up going by myself. We had a massive argument when I got back because I didn't involve him

My DSis bought a little baby blanket back from her holiday for us - DH got upset because my family are choosing "everything" for our baby.

Today reached a new pinnacle.
I've been talking to him for months about prams, asked his opinions, dragged him to MC (via Homebase) to look - when I was speaking to the shop assistant about the one I'd been researching, he wandered off. My DSF very kindly offered to buy it for us and this morning it arrived in the post.

DH completely flew off the handles because I apparently haven't consulted him about any of it, again he doesn't feel he has any choice for "our baby", I may have just as well used him as a sperm donor.

I'm really hurt and upset that he feels like this but equally don't understand how I'm meant to communicate with him about "baby stuff" when he shuts me down. I genuinely think he believes she will just arrive and a fairy will magically kit our house out with everything we need.

Who is BU? And if I am, what can I do to involve him more when he clearly isn't interested in discussing anything baby related with me?

I think your husband is being unreasonable and quite irritating & hope he learns to curb it, it may be just because he has underlying anxiety about your pregnancy.

I presume previous pregnancy with ex ended sadly. That may be a contributory factor to his attitude.

Don't put up with it though, you are going to need all the help and support you can get and your family sound nice. They're not near enough to be in and out of your house every day so he has nothing to complain about.

I find it hard to believe you weren't aware of who he really is before you got pregnant. Things are only going to get worse, sadly.

If you have any thoughts about moving home it is much easier before the baby is born as he can't stop you moving but can get a PSO to stop you moving once born. Obviously try to reason with him first but something to bear in mind.

I know this sounds drastic but you should start sorting out your finances in case you need to move back with your family. He seems awful, manipulative, gaslighting and is likely only to get worse when baby is born and may try to isolate you from family. Are there any more red flags with him?

I have been married 23 years and my DH has never behaved like this. Thank goodness you have a close and loving family because your husband may not be a keeper if his recent behaviour is anything to go by.

Does he ever frighten you? Do you find yourself acting differently than you would naturally to keep him sweet? Do you ever hide his behavior from your close friends and family? Do you dread him coming home sometimes?

On the one hand, I agree with him. I didn't want to get anything/paint a nursery/do anything at all but pick a name before my babies were born. I sorted everything out after. But, he can't gave it both ways. He can't not be interested and simultaneously get upset for not being involved. I think the former is fine at this stage; you're only 6 months gone; but the latter is not fine.

It sounds like he can’t be bothered to be involved, but doesn’t want anyone else involved either.

My dh was similar in that he had no interest in any of the purchases before baby came. He would go with me to the shops if I asked, but I ended up buying almost everything online. He had zero interest in what colour I ordered, clothes, nursery colours etc. He just left me to it. I love shopping and he hates it.

He never stopped me going with my dsis or my mum though. He loved it when they offered as it meant he didn’t have to go! He was very appreciative of my parents as they purchased the pram for us.

Just tell him how you’re feeling and tell him to either make the decision with you, or just leave you to it. He can’t have it both ways

I think your family are involved a normal, reasonable amount.
I presume that when your DP says "you didn't involve me" you reply something like "Well, when we were in MC buying a pram, you wandered off, so I made the decision myself"
He can't deny this. What does he say?

Actually sound like he's jealous of the baby ( and the attention the baby and you are getting from family).

Everything you do, or try to do to get ready for the baby, he says 'no', then thinks up something that HE needs to do instead.

When you are getting gifts for the baby, he get's a strop on. Ignores you and shows absolutely NO INTEREST in getting things ready for baby's arrival, then when you go right ahead and do things, he gets a strop on again !

WTAF are you supposed to do ? Get nothing ready and be yelled at cos 'you were supposed to get things for the baby!' when you arrive home from the hospital ?

He's actually jealous of the fact that you and your family are thinking about the baby and not him and what he wants/ needs/ thinks etc.

You're going to have to show him the replies you've gotten on MN and try to talk to him about the responsibilities he has as a husband and father ( and whether he will EVER be ready to put both you and the baby first).

I hope I'm wrong, but he sounds totally selfish and self absorbed, not husband or father material at all, more like a spoilt 3 year old with a new baby ! (behaving badly to get your attention and getting angry if your family have your attention too)

I wish you the absolute best of luck and best wishes. xx

Gosh sorry but it sounds like this relationship is over! What a wanker getting you pregnant then showing his true colours.

him and his ex fiancé jointly purchasing a significant item

Do what now? Him and his EX jointly buying things? Erm, that sort of thing generally ends when that relationship does!

What else is he sharing with her?

This had alarm bells ringing.
Abusers usually get worse when you are vunerable.
And a big sign of escalation of abuse is separating you from your family and friends. Did you choose to live 200 miles from your family? You shouldn't ever need to apologize to any partner for contacting your family, they are obviously your base and it's great you get along with extended family too.
On the other hand I could be reading this wrong from your post but only you can tell. Please research gaslighting and be aware of the strategies he might use to escalate emotional and financial abuse. It sounds like you want keep and your baby safe.
You sound like you are going to be a very loving mother xx

I think you can definitely make the points you have here about him wandering off. But this really is just about his guilt being triggered. Like... if you asked him to empty the dishwasher three times, doing it youself and him snapping that he was going to do it (he wasn't, spoiler).

I would point out that in a few weeks you may not comfortably fit into a driving or passenger seat, let alone feel able to schlep round retail parks, and babies can and do arrive early.

So what does he say when you talk about the ways you e tried to o valve him, and how he avoids it?

What was he like before you became pregnant?

Some partners just don't 'get' the build-up to having a baby and I hugely disagree with the comments that do and will say "oh, he's being a dick now and he'll carry on after baby is here". It just isn't the same for him. He isn't growing a human, feeling kicks etc

Agreed. OP you do sound a bit like you need to cut the apron strings a bit. Most people don’t like their over bearing in laws.

Some men can't get very excited before the baby is here and that's fine. My DP was one of those - he finds it hard to be excited about intangible things and I think was more nervous then excited. But he dutifully came along to Mothercare, looked at all the prams and pushed them around, came to all the scans, even just the growth scans, wallpapered and painted the nursery, measured up for the cot, constructed the furniture, installed the car seat, etc etc. I'd have been extremely hurt if he hadn't taken part in things like that with me. Although he wasn't overly interested in prams or car seats, he knew that it was important to me and that made it important to him so he listened.

I think his reaction to your family doing nice things is a real red flag, if I'm honest. My mum was very involved with my pregnancy (I'm an only child) but we both welcomed it (although it became a running joke in our house whenever a parcel arrived ) and knew it was because she was excited.

I find it hard to believe you weren't aware of who he really is before you got pregnant.

Really? Because it's standard MO for an abusive man to wait until the woman is pregnant to become overtly abusive or rapidly escalate his abuse, because as far as he's concerned she's now trapped.

Op, we can't give you a magic formula to make him stop being so manipulative and unpleasant, but this might help you figure out what you want to do about his behaviour:

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Please don't let him drive a wedge between you and your lovely family.

Was he hoping for a boy and now picking out ‘girly’ stuff is not what he envisioned? This is still no excuse for his behaviour.

It sounds like his role during this pregnancy has been to have tantrums and throw a big soggy blanket over all joyful moments.

My guess is that he likes all attention on him and is irritated whenever anything about this is not about him. And he has control issues. Was he desperate to find out the sex of the baby before you said you didn't want to know or after?

Keep a careful eye on his behaviour. It may get worse after the baby is born.

OP you do sound a bit like you need to cut the apron strings a bit. Most people don’t like their over bearing in laws.

Did you actually read the op?

Cut the apron strings? They are 200 miles away!!!
They are interested, kind and supportive about the new baby and certainly more supportive than he is being at the moment. Why should she isolate herself from her family to please sulky petulant DH?
You will need your family when the baby is born OP. Stand up for your self with DH. At the moment he sounds like a giant 5 year old with whom you can do nothing right.
I hope you can get some real life support to discuss this with him. Wishing you all the very best.

I don’t know a single man who wasn’t excited about the birth of their child. Actually, I know ONE. He cheated on his partner 3 months after the baby was born.

It’s fine to not care about travel systems, cost etc if he’s being kind and reasonable.

My DH didn’t give a monkey’s about the clothes etc so I did it. He said ‘oh lovely, well done’. However he decorated the nursery alone, talked about what he thought the baby would be like and was grateful for all familial help and support.

To show no interest and then be angry when you sort it is a very nasty thing to do. It’s confusing and is designed to make you feel unsettled.

What was he like before pregnancy? I’d be prepared for a bumpy ride.

How did your DSF find out about the pram OP? Did you tell him because it doesn't sound like he was actually with you at the time?!

I think the only time I've handed over a baby gift before the baby has actually arrived is at a leaving party for a colleague - I would never send anyone a gift before baby arrived tbh.

Make a list of outstanding items and a date to buy them by. Discuss this with him, he may well leave the decision up to you. Have you bought anything for the baby yet (not your family, you personally).

And what is this item that is the same colour as his ex - not a nursery item but something like a car?

I disagree with most of the replies here..

I don’t think your DH is being a dick, or uncaring/uninterested - I think he sounds more like a pretty normal, about to be first time father who hasn’t got to grips with the way his life is about to change yet

He is being an ostrich about it all, and also probably not sure how to get involved in a way that he can process ... I think the attention/stuff from your family is stirring up guilt in him for that behaviour and he’s going on the offensive as a way of dealing with it

Of course I could be completely wrong! 😂