DH says my family are too over involved in our (unborn) baby - WIBU?

[ShinyPrettyThings]

Have nc'd for this and am genuinely interested in hearing viewpoints.

Currently pregnant with much wanted baby. I suffered two mc's before this.

The pregnancy has been awful - I've had HG since week 5 and have been in & out of hospital at least twice a week for fluids. Now entering the 3rd trimester, feeling much better and beginning to get organised for LOs arrival.

My family are really close knit - lived next door to my cousins growing up and count them plus my sister as my best friends. DC is the first baby in the family for over 20 years. I live 200 miles from them but in touch everyday. Also have a WhatsApp group which DH is part of.

DH has shown no interest at all in "baby stuff" bar finding out sex and colour of the nursery. I wanted a surprise but he desperately wanted to know - I booked a surprise private scan for him. We've gone with his choice of nursery colours despite him and his ex fiancé jointly purchasing a significant item with this colour scheme - bit but I was just happy he offered something more than "don't care" or "you choose."

I have tried discussing prams/cots/changing bags/names with him countless times - shown him videos - but he genuinely has no interest and changes the subject, so I talk to my family about it now instead. He is now claiming my family are "taking over." Just a few examples:

DM sent us a little package of a few baby grows plus some nice toiletries for me (& a book for DH which he hasn't picked up).

My cousin very kindly sent us a little outfit plus a voucher when we found out we were having a girl. Every time I suggested going to the shop to spend it, something was more important - The Ashes, transfer deadline news, needs to paint the shed - so I ended up going by myself. We had a massive argument when I got back because I didn't involve him

My DSis bought a little baby blanket back from her holiday for us - DH got upset because my family are choosing "everything" for our baby.

Today reached a new pinnacle.
I've been talking to him for months about prams, asked his opinions, dragged him to MC (via Homebase) to look - when I was speaking to the shop assistant about the one I'd been researching, he wandered off. My DSF very kindly offered to buy it for us and this morning it arrived in the post.

DH completely flew off the handles because I apparently haven't consulted him about any of it, again he doesn't feel he has any choice for "our baby", I may have just as well used him as a sperm donor.

I'm really hurt and upset that he feels like this but equally don't understand how I'm meant to communicate with him about "baby stuff" when he shuts me down. I genuinely think he believes she will just arrive and a fairy will magically kit our house out with everything we need.

Who is BU? And if I am, what can I do to involve him more when he clearly isn't interested in discussing anything baby related with me?

He sounds a bit of an arse, but slightly in his defence, all that baby stuff is rather dull and the grandparents should not be calling the shots.

I couldn’t have given a fig about the nursery decor, pram/changing bags and cot choices even when I was pregnant myself. And my parents and in-laws did not get over involved. My dh would have been bored rigid if I was wanging on about this stuff. He’s a brilliant dad though.

How long have you been together ?
How long before you were first pregnant, & assuming he was the father of the two babies you miscarried ?

How long ago did he & Ex-fiancee split & before you two got together ?

His behaviours could be any where on the range from terrified at becoming a father through to a manipulative bully undermine you.

The past few months have been very challenging for both of you & could be rattling the cage where he keeps his natural worries about being a father.

You seem to have good recall of what has been happening. May I suggest that you keep a journal about your third trimester & first months of being a mother. Capture if you can his comments in a way that you understand. Look back over this record & see if there is a increasing or decreasing trend in his unacceptable behaviours.

But first you need to talk.

You are used to living alongside family with new babies appearing, & no doubt, used to family getting ready for baby. Odds are you are way ahead of the baby game - particularly now you know baby is OK & you are feeling better - & are in contact with close family who will be sharing your anticipation & excitement. Oh & your hormones are driving you forward.

He - if I have this right - has also lost two babies, is anxious if this baby is going to be OK & also been a bystander whilst you have been going through the assault course that is pregnancy. Has he grown up in a family with multiple subs/cousins arrive frequently ? He’s about to become a father, has he got good role models, someone he can lean on or turn to for support?

If you screen out his petulance & irritation, can you see his point of view ?

Shinyprettythings I am sorry to say but this manipulation of making you feel like you are in the wrong is a classic abuser tactic. Destroying your self-esteem is the first step in making you emotionally dependent on him. He will never stop this being like this and will only get worse. As a PP said please ensure you keep important papers safe (perhaps at a relatives house?) and sort out finances so you have some money if needed. Keep your relationships with your family strong I have a feeling you will need them down the line. Good Luck with you baby.

It sounds like he doesn't want this baby at all and is resenting it already. If he is going to be this disinterested in his own child when she comes, this is a worry. You need to really set aside time and ask him if he wants this child, because it honestly does not seem like it.

I think a lot of new fathers don’t get the involvement bit during the pregnancy. And let’s be brutally honest, multiple trips to baby shops are pretty dull and I am a mother. .

And while I can see that you’re annoyed that he’s shutting down, I can also see things from his point of view in that you talk about getting something and then in swoop your family and get it for you. I can see that they’re excited but also I can see that they’re over-involved.

BTW did you tell him that the pram was being delivered or did it just arrive?

My OH was not really interested, friends and family bought us lovely bits and pieces. He did assemble nursery furniture and decorated nursery, otherwise left it up to me. He was only interested when the babies popped out, even then they were boring at first.

It’s nice you actually have some support in the family as it’s clear your dh is not going to step up until HE wants to

Hopefully he does it when the baby is born or everytime your baby needs a bottle or a nappy change he will find something else that needs doing first

I dont think oyur family are too involved. Sending you a few items does not equate to taking over.

He needs to piss or get off the pot frankly. He cant have it both ways

thank goodness at last, crisiscrunchie, you are spot on.
When you he baby comes he needs to be a Dad.

I think a lot of these posts are a bit drastic!

How’s he been about the pregnancy in the other ways? Supportive during your sickness?

I wouldn’t have a pram in the house before the baby was born. I know it’s not really unlucky but it’s not the done thing in our family, also bad memories. Same goes for all the baby stuff so that would piss me off too. Maybe he doesn’t like tempting fate but he’s not expressing himself well in fear of saying of the awful thing he’s scared of to you.

People hurrying to label him to be an abuser over essentially some baby kit is going a bit far!

He is BU. He probably feels guilty (as well he should) for his own lack of participation, so gets angry at you and your family, because their participation shows up the contrast with his lack of it. Sadly, it looks as though you will have two babies on your hands.

Wow these replies are crazy!
The people calling his abusive are mental!
You've had 2 Miscarriages, he probably is overwhelmed and doesn't want to think about the possibility of actually having a baby until she arrives. Some people are like this, secretly too scared in case something happens like it has done previous.
Reassure him and give him space

Did you say to him ‘But we went pram shopping. Together. I involved you. You wandered off and didn’t help’? Does he have an answer for why he refuses when you specifically involve him but he ignores you?

If he just wasn't interested that might not be too bad, although he needs to realise that things like prams etc don't just materialise when the baby arrives.

But for me the getting angry bit is worrying. If he is showing no interest why shouldn't OP's family be involved, and it isn't as if they are being overly involved at the moment.

Only in Mumsnet are people so quick to suggest ending a marriage

OP, I don't think he's a dick. He sounds immature and unable to cope with reality, sure, but that doesn't make him an abuser (as someone upthread suggested). It sounds as though he's fed up of all the minutiae of preparing for a baby - did you really ask his opinion on a changing bag??? - and then guilty when others do help out. Like I said, childish.

However, for a lot of men it's very hard to get excited about something that's so intangible until the baby arrives. I would pick and choose where to involve him. Is he good at DIY? Have him build the cot. Definitely enlist his help on the car seat, maybe even make it his job entirely to research them. Don't try and get him to enthuse over blankets, bags and baby grows. Does he like shopping for clothes and things generally? If not, he's not going to be miraculously excited by baby clothes.

And maybe have a word with your family. It's fab they want to be involved and the more gifts the merrier, but perhaps ask them to be discreet if it's upsetting your manchild

Those who keep mentioning the MC, I would understand if this was the first or even the second trimester but it’s not.
It’s the 3rd.

The OP probably wants things sorted now so she can relax

He’s had the chance to step up and hasn’t. Instead he’s narked because he’s “been left out”

Are people even reading the OP? Her DH isn’t just disinterested, he’s kicking off about not being involved after being given plenty of opportunities to get involved. Frankly he’s being an arse.

Don't put up with this gaslighting bullshit op.

He's basically sucking all the joy out of this pregnancy for you.

Can't see any miracles occurring when the baby arrives.

Thank god you've got a supportive family because sadly I think you're going to need them

And maybe have a word with your family. It's fab they want to be involved and the more gifts the merrier, but perhaps ask them to be discreet if it's upsetting your manchild

Oh yes...mustnt do anything to upset the poor man now should we

Being honest I decided on the pram, cot etc and just ordered them after sharing what I liked with DH. He was happy with that. If he wants to be involved he needs to show some interest. Maybe he’s nervous due to previous losses? Good luck.

I don't understand what you mean about he and his ex buying something significant in the same colour scheme - something for your baby?

he is being a total arse. You have tried to involve him at every step and he has made excuses.

OP what does he actually say when you say to him 'I tried to involve you in this. I asked you to come shopping with me 3 times. Each time you changed the subject. So I went by myself'.

Have you sat down and listed everything you've got to sort, and how many weeks you've got to do it in (say you want to get sorted by 36 weeks and that gives you 8 weeks). Seeing what you've got to do in black and white may help ans ask him to make a plan together of what you do when and agree if he changes his mind for any reason at the time then you'll do it yourself

My dh refused to discuss anything baby related including names, our dc was planned! He is a great father and was from day 1, but was absolutely terrified of fatherhood whilst I was pregnant. The difference is he wasn't rude when I did make decisions and purchases. I don't know what to suggest. Have you tried to chat to him and given him your view of it all?