DH says my family are too over involved in our (unborn) baby - WIBU?

[ShinyPrettyThings]

Have nc'd for this and am genuinely interested in hearing viewpoints.

Currently pregnant with much wanted baby. I suffered two mc's before this.

The pregnancy has been awful - I've had HG since week 5 and have been in & out of hospital at least twice a week for fluids. Now entering the 3rd trimester, feeling much better and beginning to get organised for LOs arrival.

My family are really close knit - lived next door to my cousins growing up and count them plus my sister as my best friends. DC is the first baby in the family for over 20 years. I live 200 miles from them but in touch everyday. Also have a WhatsApp group which DH is part of.

DH has shown no interest at all in "baby stuff" bar finding out sex and colour of the nursery. I wanted a surprise but he desperately wanted to know - I booked a surprise private scan for him. We've gone with his choice of nursery colours despite him and his ex fiancé jointly purchasing a significant item with this colour scheme - bit but I was just happy he offered something more than "don't care" or "you choose."

I have tried discussing prams/cots/changing bags/names with him countless times - shown him videos - but he genuinely has no interest and changes the subject, so I talk to my family about it now instead. He is now claiming my family are "taking over." Just a few examples:

DM sent us a little package of a few baby grows plus some nice toiletries for me (& a book for DH which he hasn't picked up).

My cousin very kindly sent us a little outfit plus a voucher when we found out we were having a girl. Every time I suggested going to the shop to spend it, something was more important - The Ashes, transfer deadline news, needs to paint the shed - so I ended up going by myself. We had a massive argument when I got back because I didn't involve him

My DSis bought a little baby blanket back from her holiday for us - DH got upset because my family are choosing "everything" for our baby.

Today reached a new pinnacle.
I've been talking to him for months about prams, asked his opinions, dragged him to MC (via Homebase) to look - when I was speaking to the shop assistant about the one I'd been researching, he wandered off. My DSF very kindly offered to buy it for us and this morning it arrived in the post.

DH completely flew off the handles because I apparently haven't consulted him about any of it, again he doesn't feel he has any choice for "our baby", I may have just as well used him as a sperm donor.

I'm really hurt and upset that he feels like this but equally don't understand how I'm meant to communicate with him about "baby stuff" when he shuts me down. I genuinely think he believes she will just arrive and a fairy will magically kit our house out with everything we need.

Who is BU? And if I am, what can I do to involve him more when he clearly isn't interested in discussing anything baby related with me?

I think he is reacting to his own guilt about not being involved and being clueless about what stuff to buy. Blaming your family for his own shortcomings when you've had a hard pregnancy isn't a good sign is it?

Thank god you have them.

The ones where OP doesn't return.

To be fair my husband would rather poke his own eyes out with a rusty fork than have an in depth discussion about changing bags/buggies/e.t.c- thankfully our kids are older now though.
In fact the discussion about changing bags went as far as 'something that doesnt make me look like an asshole'. We ended up using an old rucksack in the end because who wants to spend a small fortune on something that's just going to get a battering

Who invited the ex-fiancee to get involved, he or she?

Had MILs birthday meal last night and wasn't able to get back on...

Thanks for all of the response, it is good to get some different views. Just to clear up, and I should have made it crystal in my OP, DH is definitely not the abusive type - he is very excited about the baby. Whilst I've had HG, he's taken unpaid leave from work to look after me, stepped up and handled all housework/cooking/even mucking out my horses. I've not had to lift a finger, just try and get through it.

He's attended all midwife appts, welled up at scans, sat with me in hospital whilst I've been receiving fluids... he's fab but just can not comprehend the baby actually being here.

Those that have described him as an ostrich have likely got it spot on - I think he's in denial that the baby will be here in just a couple of months.

FWIW I'm 26 weeks yet have a heart shaped uterus so mw has advised the baby is likely to come early. My DSis and I were also born before 38 weeks. I didn't start "shopping" until 20.

He wants to be involved but shows no interest nor makes any purchases?! He is being a dick. Your family sound lovely and supportive. You have no choice but to prepare for the baby before she arrives! What does your partner want to do? Leave everything up to him? If you did that your baby would have no push chair and clothes! Don't forget the car seat. If you live in the UK, they won't let you leave hospital without one. Can you move closer to your family? Support is a wonderful thing, don't ever turn it down just because your partner's jealous.

I also didn't make it clear - ex is absolutely not involved. Whilst together, DH and ex bought and renovated a classic VW and decorated it inside and out in lemon and grey. It was a huge project and DH was gutted about having to sell it when they split.
It just upset me that DHs only suggestion for the nursery colours were lemon and grey... he didn't want to compromise on Grey and cream, as an example.

DH split up with ex after she cheated on him repeatedly - this was 10 years ago so ancient history now. There is no contact between them. I do actually know her new DP well professionally and have met her a few times - it's all very amicable.

definitely not the abusive type

What's that then? Because there's no such thing as an abusive type.

It's just about power and control, not being an evil violent monster.

Like refusing to allow you any influence in a very, very specific colour scheme. Or making you feel guilty for having a positive relationship with your family. Or being suffocating about keeping you safe. Or you not feeling able to stand up to him.

So what dies he say when you say:

‘What are you talking about? You told me you didn’t care/weren’t interested! Do you expect me to be fucking psychic?’

Regardless of every day kindness (which I’m glad to hear about) his behaviour is not acceptable and you need to deal with it head-on.

From what you’ve said it does sound odd that he’s so upset with your family.

Has his family bought you anything for the baby yet or shown any interest? Could it be that why he’s being so strange?

And what about his family, what’s his relationship like with them?

Congratulations on your baby, I am sorry for your MCs. I am wondering if your hubby is worried about the MCs. He is probably not talking about baby stuff for this reason. But deep down he does want to be involved. Ask him if he feels anxious because of the past and if this has affected how he feels now.

‘What are you talking about? You told me you didn’t care/weren’t interested! Do you expect me to be fucking psychic?’

@Merryoldgoat he'll claim he was getting round to it or it will be "well you just choose everything with your family, that's just the way it will be." It's really childish and hurtful, especially when I've asked countless times.

Has his family bought you anything for the baby yet or shown any interest? Could it be that why he’s being so strange?

DH is the last of 3 siblings to settle down and DD will be DGC7 on that side of the family so the novelty has worn off for starters. MIL isn't interested in the DGC she has let alone one that's not even here yet.
SIL put together a very kind "mum to be" pack when I was ill but yet to buy for the baby. She's lovely and I speak to her around once a week.
BIL (DHs DB) and DH do not get on.

Meant to add, his family all live within a 20 mile radius. Despite the distance, they aren't close and don't see much of each other, with the exception of DH and MIL who he sees once or twice a week

So what’s the continuation of that conversation? Or are you suitably chastened and stop ‘going on’?

Something isn’t sitting right with me.

Is he ‘likeable’ OP? Lots of friends? Gets on with colleagues? Good social life?

I don't think the lack of interest about baby stuff is too much of a problem - my DH was exactly the same and it really took me by surprise because I didn't expect it and it upset me at the time however years on and he's always been a fantastic father once DC arrived.
The response to your family being kind and thoughtful is worrying though OP. He sounds very immature and a bit jealous maybe?

he'll claim he was getting round to it or it will be "well you just choose everything with your family, that's just the way it will be."

You do realise that's a classic example of gaslighting don't you? He's making you doubt yourself and believe everything your fault and whether you like to admit it or not that behaviour is abusive.

I've just read your last update OP. We are in a similar situation as in DH family are very close and involved with each other and mine are not. There have been times when their family closeness has touched a raw nerve because it highlights that mine have not been there for me at times. Maybe he's a bit envious of what you have.
Just to note this was earlier on in our relationship and it was emphasized when we had DC. I now embrace it and thank my lucky stars I'm a part of such a supportive family that help out much more than mine ever would.
See if you can get him to have a chat about what's behind his behaviour?

So the difference in your family relations is becoming ever more stark with the arrival of your baby. On your side lots of care and interest and contact, despite the distance - on his, nada.

I would guess that that is the crux of the matter and it's something you both need to address before the baby comes.

Oh, if only "abusive types" did have a "look"! It would make it so much easier to avoid them.

OP, there isn't a "type", other than they're often charming to others, so if you complain of an abusive behaviour, people can't believe they'd do such a thing. They're able to explain things so that it makes them sound like the victim, and you are the one in the wrong.

If it was so obvious that a man is abusive, he'd never find a woman who'd stay with them. It usually starts once their partner is "trapped", with a pregnancy (one that he's previously seemed to really want, and is often the one who suggests trying for a baby), a wedding, or a mortgage, because those things make it harder for the woman to leave.

Maybe he wanted a boy ? Or maybe was the baby a 'suprise'?

No excuse though. Just an explanation for his behaviour

He sounds miserable. Get your network together op. Because his behaviour might get even worse when baby is born...

OP, you don't think your H is abusive, but the conversation you related in your update is gaslighting.

Why doesn't he get on with his brother?

The helping out while you had HG was what anyone would do.

Attending midwife appointments and welling up at scans is a public demonstration of devotion.

And if he has attended all of that how come he can't do basic arithmetic and understand that the baby will soon be here?

@ShinyPrettyThings It sounds like he's gaslighting you. Starting arguments and making out you're in the wrong. It's abusive. For you safety and your baby's safety you'd better prepare mentally and practically to leave. Move back to live with your family now then when the baby comes it's settled there where you have the support you'll need. It'll make custody easier for you because no doubt he will try to control you via the baby.

THIS^

You really need to leave. This is classic abuse. My DD's D was just like this and by the time the baby was here - it was awful. My poor little girl had to witness things she never should have to in her entire life.

I wouldnt put too much thought into the colour scheme. He's a bloke who's seen two colours look nice together in the past. Send him to pinterest for an hour maybe but I suspect he's just going with what he knows works.