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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dilemma about grown up stepchildren

115 replies

SavingUp · 09/08/2019 21:24

Would really appreciate others' opinions.

My DP and I share a house (I own 60%). He has 2 grown up children and we have a toddler. His children are lovely but visits usually grate on me a bit. They come unannounced expecting their bedroom to be available and help themselves to food including toddler food and stuff we have planned for ourselves and never wash up after themselves. On one occasion one of them just took one of our bottles of wine to go out then broke it in the street and left it in our front garden promising to clear it up and never did. Just some examples of many! In brief I'm pleased they feel at home but they behave a bit like teenagers which annoys me. Hog the living room with TV on all day etc

They both work (earning c£25k) and are terrible with money as they are perpetually broke but spend a lot on pubs, subscriptions eg Netflix and amazon prime, hotels, expensive yoga classes, lots of takeaways etc so it just fritters away I guess. They both got given a sizeable inheritance a year ago (£12k) and its all gone. Their lifestyle is much much better than ours (although difficult with a toddler to have a social life but we are very careful with money eg food shop etc). They've now decided they want to save to buy in London (neither of them work in London although one in outskirts). And one of them wants to move in with us to save up.

I think it's great they are thinking this and genuinely want to support it but firstly I'm not sure how realistic they are being. They are talking of saving 500-800 a month each which doesn't go far (esp in London!) and I just don't see them making savings elsewhere so it would be just us subsidising them. We would forsake a lodger so would be losing out there. I've worked out our disposable income after mortgage and childcare costs are actually lower than theirs. Also a part of me resents it when they're here because I feel like their maid. I don't want this to cloud my judgement though because I really want to see the set up and happy. I just think they are being so unrealistic and can't see them saving properly for it - and their visits stress me out so this would wind me up.

Happy to be told IABU but this is already stressing me out and I need to know what I should be trying to do...

OP posts:
Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 21:28

Should add to be clear and fair. We have a 4 bed house. Currently no lodger but have in the past and we had just starting talking to someone about moving in to help towards our mortgage.

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 09/08/2019 21:29

I have grown up stepchildren. I love them. But would not be letting them move in, short of extreme need, as it would wreck the easy relationship I have with them.
OP, I suggest you say something about incompatible lifestyles and needing the income from the lodger.

makingmammaries · 09/08/2019 21:30

Or quote them lodging costs high enough to put them off.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 09/08/2019 21:30

They sound like they'd be a nightmare to live with and wouldn't respect your house. I'd say no. They need to grow up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2019 21:30

If you need the income from the lodger then you can’t afford to have an adult moving in and paying nothing towards their living costs.

Stop being their maid! Stop letting them eat the toddler’s food and hogging the tv.

They’re your husbands’ children but they don’t live with you and they’re adults so they have no right to treat your home as a hotel (or worse in the case of leaving broken glass outside!)

What does your husband think?

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2019 21:31

Only if you and your DP are on the same page, you set proper ground rules, they still pay towards bills and they do their share around the house.

If they don't, they're out.

But it already sounds as if your DP lets them get away with murder.
Where's their mother live?

BobTheDuvet · 09/08/2019 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairyliz · 09/08/2019 21:34

When you say grown up how old are you talking 18 and 20, or 32 and 35? Where do they normally live with their mum or in rented accommodation?
I have dc's in their early 20s who both live away but when they come home they do expect their bedrooms to be available and help themselves to food in the house. But they do still think of it as home

Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 21:35

Yes I don't like confrontation. Neither does DP. If we don't help though I dont see how they will ever manage though. I lived with my parents to save up so this is influencing me. But I did pay a bit (350 a month) and I saved massively and quickly. Glad I'm not being told IABU. There are a lot more stories I could tell 😉 maybe I need MN therapy!!

OP posts:
Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 21:37

They are 26 and 30. Agree I want them to feel at home. But also don't want to dread their visits!! One of them left period blood stains on the sheet and didn't clean it up. That happened twice actually!

OP posts:
Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 21:38

One lives in rented accommodation in another cheaper city. The other had accommodation provided as part of the job but just starting a new one.

OP posts:
Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 21:42

I do feel they are not grown up. But not really my place to say anything. If it were my child I would sit them down and be really frank about what I thought they should do if they were serious about buying but I don't feel I can do that. Especially as I'm not that much older than them.

OP posts:
LordNibbler · 09/08/2019 21:43

I wouldn't put up with that kind of behaviour from my own children, never mind a partners. Both of my children have moved back home for a period of time as adults. But there were firm rules and respect on both sides. Also they paid something towards their keep, they are adults with jobs so that's only fair. Even with firm rules and boundaries, everyone living together as adults isn't easy. So you need a proper think about if you feel like you can put up with how they are, how much they pay for keep and what chores they need to do in the house. Remember, you're not their mum or their house elf.

Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 21:43

And they are also lovely! I'm focusing on the negatives at the moment!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/08/2019 21:43

I think you need to tell them you'll charge proper rent and lay down ground rules. It's your home, not a hotel. They don't get to use you as a maid, that's disgraceful.

Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 21:44

They also leave stuff in our house which stresses me out as there isn't much room and it's messy!!! Thanks all this is cathartic

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/08/2019 21:45

But not really my place to say anything.

Of course it is, @SavingUp. It's your house and you're doing the clearing up after them. Don't be a doormat and live with the resentment til you explode!

Genevieva · 09/08/2019 21:46

To be honest, at that age they are long past most people's threshold for allowing them to move in rent free. Be honest - you were planning to get lodgers who would pat £X. If they can manage that and promise to abide by household rules re. keeping clean and tidy etc, then you will give them priority over the people you have interviewed, but you can't afford to put them up for free.

Genevieva · 09/08/2019 21:47

*pay

Simkin · 09/08/2019 21:47

Your DP needs to step up and deal with them. If you want to do this I would make sure it's un-fun enough that they will be out asap. Draw up some rules for living with you and your toddler. Take the savings as rent that you will pay back when they move out. They MUST pay for their keep. DP should be enforcing all this not you.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 09/08/2019 21:49

My guess is that they will move in and any money not spent on rented accommodation will be pissed away on their social life and not put towards any deposit. Meanwhile you will have another two mouths to feed and additional bills to pay.

AngelasAshes · 09/08/2019 21:54

I’d charge them each 50% of what the lodger would pay in rent so that you would not be out money. I’d also have a family meeting and distribute adult chores amongst all 4 of you so they can contribute to the housekeeping. They should also buy their own food.

Jaxhog · 09/08/2019 21:56

At 26 and 30 they are adults and should be behaving as such. This includes finding their own accommodation, and not landing on you when they feel like it. At that age, I did not expect to still have my room in the family home. Not did any of my DBs or DS. We used to visit frequently, but we behaved like guests when we did i.e. we washed and tidied up after ourselves.

They need to grow up and you should not be expected to provide them with living accommodation unless they were in dire straights, and then only for a short period of time. Your DH needs to make this very clear to them.

Drum2018 · 09/08/2019 21:57

I'd say no. Even if you ask them for rent plus money towards bills and they agree, no doubt they will soon decide they can't afford it and daddy will let them off.

Gson · 09/08/2019 21:57

As much as they are lovely - for goodness sake, leaving mess in your house, smashing your wine..would drive me insane.

I find it FRUSTRATING that they are in late 20's (same age as me) and they haven't a clue how. I think they've got to learn to meet you half way - pay a bit of money as rent (and that's not really a big ask) and also start treating the house with respect.

I think when they do irritating things just say 'I'm going to Coe to your house once you buy one and do the same' in a jokey way if you get me - they'll soon get the message.

To put things into perspective - I am currently (not ideal) living with family whilst I save for a flat. I pay them money, buy mostly my own food and am rarely there. I clean up every night after myself, do all my own washing/drying and I buy them the odd bottle of wine/flowers/choccy.