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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dilemma about grown up stepchildren

115 replies

SavingUp · 09/08/2019 21:24

Would really appreciate others' opinions.

My DP and I share a house (I own 60%). He has 2 grown up children and we have a toddler. His children are lovely but visits usually grate on me a bit. They come unannounced expecting their bedroom to be available and help themselves to food including toddler food and stuff we have planned for ourselves and never wash up after themselves. On one occasion one of them just took one of our bottles of wine to go out then broke it in the street and left it in our front garden promising to clear it up and never did. Just some examples of many! In brief I'm pleased they feel at home but they behave a bit like teenagers which annoys me. Hog the living room with TV on all day etc

They both work (earning c£25k) and are terrible with money as they are perpetually broke but spend a lot on pubs, subscriptions eg Netflix and amazon prime, hotels, expensive yoga classes, lots of takeaways etc so it just fritters away I guess. They both got given a sizeable inheritance a year ago (£12k) and its all gone. Their lifestyle is much much better than ours (although difficult with a toddler to have a social life but we are very careful with money eg food shop etc). They've now decided they want to save to buy in London (neither of them work in London although one in outskirts). And one of them wants to move in with us to save up.

I think it's great they are thinking this and genuinely want to support it but firstly I'm not sure how realistic they are being. They are talking of saving 500-800 a month each which doesn't go far (esp in London!) and I just don't see them making savings elsewhere so it would be just us subsidising them. We would forsake a lodger so would be losing out there. I've worked out our disposable income after mortgage and childcare costs are actually lower than theirs. Also a part of me resents it when they're here because I feel like their maid. I don't want this to cloud my judgement though because I really want to see the set up and happy. I just think they are being so unrealistic and can't see them saving properly for it - and their visits stress me out so this would wind me up.

Happy to be told IABU but this is already stressing me out and I need to know what I should be trying to do...

OP posts:
IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 09/08/2019 22:41

Oh God just seen your updates - you need to knock the every weekend visits on the head as well - this is your home, not theirs. If they are really serious about saving they can move into a tiny bedsit, get a second job, live on a houseboat - they are adults it's time for them to take responsibility for their own housing.

Pinkout · 09/08/2019 22:42

I am the same age as one of them and have a career, home of my own, am married and have four children.

I wouldn’t dream of acting like this in anyone’s home, it’s absolutely disgraceful. I’m astonished by how infantilised some adults seemingly are nowadays, preposterous.

Definitely say no, you’ll heavily regret it if not.

Pinkout · 09/08/2019 22:42

I reckon they would wind up staying there indefinitely as well...

JeanieJardine55 · 09/08/2019 22:43

No no, no! I have stepchildren. I love them very much. I do lots for them but no way would they be moving in with me except in a dire emeregency. Perhaps they could both get jobs in London and share a flat/bedsit if that’s where they want to be.

Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 22:45

Thank you so much for your responses. They mean a lot to me. I am thinking of charging the one who wants to move in with us £1k (£200 to go to us £800 to be saved). And renting out the other room. Will be quite cramped but at least we would have some money. It will not go down at all well with the one who uses that room as she won't have a crash pad. But I've almost reached the end of my tether. What do you think??

OP posts:
Hecateh · 09/08/2019 22:46

I would look at an average rent/mortgage in London to get an idea of costs.

Then work out how much it would cost you to have them living with you.

Set up a new account that needs both of you to sign to withdraw.

They have to set up 2 standing orders. The first dated the day they get paid that pays the first sum into your account. The second, dated the day after they get paid, is paid into the new account.

In case of genuine emergencies the second can be called on - but only with both signatures.

If/when they get there own place they will be able to afford it as they have been covering rent/mortgage already plus the 'rent' they have been giving you will cover additional living costs.

AndromedaPerseus · 09/08/2019 22:48

It sounds like if they have been allowed to treat your home like a hotel for a long time no wonder they like staying with you is your DH a Disney dad who is too scared of laying down boundaries in respect to their behaviour. On the other hand I would allow my dcs to live at home if they wanted to save for a deposit but there would be ground rules and if they seriously took the p*ss they would be turfed out in no uncertain terms

Hecateh · 09/08/2019 22:49

*their own place

R44Me · 09/08/2019 22:50

I would say no. I struggle to stay with my own adult DCs - and they have v busy well paid jobs, I go to help wth DCs. But always glad to get home to tidy own home.

willstarttomorrow · 09/08/2019 22:50

OP I am making a huge sweeping assumption here but I am guessing the issue here is their dad. For whatever reason he feels unable to say no to them, they are indulged? If so this is the issue you need to deal with.

Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 22:51

This is how I would be but I find it hard as I am only 10 years older than them. And not their mother. I would be very straight with my own. The eldest can be difficult too.

OP posts:
5foot5 · 09/08/2019 22:51

They are really not very grown up are they?

Our 23yo DD lives at home and is saving hard towards a deposit. Nevertheless she pays us rent and pulls her weight around the house, cooks at least two nights a week and clears up after herself, does her laundry and ironing etc.

If she had been given £12k I am pretty certain the majority would have been squirrelled away in her savings

Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 22:52

Agree their dad needs to step up. He has played a huge part in this I'm sure prior to me being on the scene!

OP posts:
YoniHuman · 09/08/2019 22:53

I think it will start off ok, and then the excuses will come on why they can only pay you x amount this month etc etc. Sorry but I think it's a bad idea to let them move in.

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 09/08/2019 22:55

OP you would be mad to let either of them move in with you. We have adult children late 20s/early 30s, who both live away from home. When they come back home to visit they revert to teenage behaviour, make a mess and generally expect mother to revert to being a domestic skivvy, with the kitchen open all hours.

We can put up with this for a few days or maybe a week at a time, so long as they pack all their gear and bugger off again. The trade off is getting to see them regularly and enjoy their company.

If one of them really needed to move back home, we would have them, but there would be numerous house rules from before day 1.

You will find yourself totally taken for granted and feel aggrieved at being taken in by their promises to help around the house and then do zilch. Do not even go there.

Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 22:55

Just to be clear it's just one of them. The other lives nowhere near London! So really don't know why they want to move to the most expensive part of the country when they're not even there now! And don't gave the discipline to save for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 22:57

I might show this thread to DP as your responses are really eye opening. As in, I know what my norm is (and my friends) but good to hear its pretty universal.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/08/2019 23:03

If they left blood stained sheets, I'd leave them right there and they can deal with it on their next visit.

Or I would have sent a text to her, letting her know and asking that she sorts it out if it happens again.

I would be so ashamed to leave blood stained sheets in my parents house. Very terrible behaviour.

As you have a toddler and they are 26 and 30, I assume your DH is a fair bit older than you.... sometimes as parents get older they become softer with their adult DC and are reluctant to call them out when they do wrong.

From everything you've said, I think this is a bad idea. London property is expensive. How long are they waiting to move in for? Because it will take a while to get a decent deposit.

broken1982 · 09/08/2019 23:04

Wow 30 years between his youngest and eldest! Must have been mad to start all over again!!

PepsiLola · 09/08/2019 23:05

You need to pull them up on their wrong doings.

If they come in, they need to ask for a snack. I would never raid my parents cupboard without asking first! They meal plan!!

Taking alcohol? I would ask for the money!

You currently have mug on your forehead and it will get worse if one moves in

Coffeeandcherrypie · 09/08/2019 23:05

I wouldn’t want them moving in. Once you move out the dynamic changes. My mum wouldn’t want of her 6 adult children moving in without a damn good reason.

If you do agree then you need to stop being their maid, they need to pay rent, they need to help with cooking etc Set clear boundaries from the start and if they don’t abide then they leave.

Cocobean30 · 09/08/2019 23:06

YANBU. Definitely don’t let them move in they will just regress to teenagers

SchrodingersUnicorn · 09/08/2019 23:07

Why only £200 to you? I'm 30, so same age as the elder one, and have a career, a mortgage and a child! They need to get a grip.
If it is the younger one working on London outskirts then you could be kind and say one year while she saves, but if so set very clear rules and charge a decent rent, slightly less than a normal lodger. But £200 a month is absurd. Ask for £400, it's still a lot better than market rate if you're London commuter distance (unless I've misunderstood).

TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/08/2019 23:09

I think if they were your own children you would feel differently about this.

Waveysnail · 09/08/2019 23:10

I'd be charging them a significant rent amount and get dp to explain x amount will be for their lodgings and dp will save x amount in savings account from the money they hand over. I would also explain that they buy their own food and keep house tidy.