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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dilemma about grown up stepchildren

115 replies

SavingUp · 09/08/2019 21:24

Would really appreciate others' opinions.

My DP and I share a house (I own 60%). He has 2 grown up children and we have a toddler. His children are lovely but visits usually grate on me a bit. They come unannounced expecting their bedroom to be available and help themselves to food including toddler food and stuff we have planned for ourselves and never wash up after themselves. On one occasion one of them just took one of our bottles of wine to go out then broke it in the street and left it in our front garden promising to clear it up and never did. Just some examples of many! In brief I'm pleased they feel at home but they behave a bit like teenagers which annoys me. Hog the living room with TV on all day etc

They both work (earning c£25k) and are terrible with money as they are perpetually broke but spend a lot on pubs, subscriptions eg Netflix and amazon prime, hotels, expensive yoga classes, lots of takeaways etc so it just fritters away I guess. They both got given a sizeable inheritance a year ago (£12k) and its all gone. Their lifestyle is much much better than ours (although difficult with a toddler to have a social life but we are very careful with money eg food shop etc). They've now decided they want to save to buy in London (neither of them work in London although one in outskirts). And one of them wants to move in with us to save up.

I think it's great they are thinking this and genuinely want to support it but firstly I'm not sure how realistic they are being. They are talking of saving 500-800 a month each which doesn't go far (esp in London!) and I just don't see them making savings elsewhere so it would be just us subsidising them. We would forsake a lodger so would be losing out there. I've worked out our disposable income after mortgage and childcare costs are actually lower than theirs. Also a part of me resents it when they're here because I feel like their maid. I don't want this to cloud my judgement though because I really want to see the set up and happy. I just think they are being so unrealistic and can't see them saving properly for it - and their visits stress me out so this would wind me up.

Happy to be told IABU but this is already stressing me out and I need to know what I should be trying to do...

OP posts:

Schuyler · 09/08/2019 23:11

YANBU, they area fully grown adults and they’re using you. Almost every weekend?! Do they contribute at all, apart from making a mess and eating your food?

I was ready to say YABU but I assumed they were late teens who needed some sense knocking into them, not adults who earn a decent salary and are taking the mick.

Bookworm4 · 09/08/2019 23:13

No discussion, a straight no. They had £12k towards a deposit and pissed it away, they move in you’ll never get rid of them.

Ayemama · 09/08/2019 23:16

I'm 28 And I would never dream of moving back with my parents unless I really had to!
I also don't treat my parents house like that and have two step sons who help with chores when they stay and help tidy up after them self's as being part of the family means mucking in and they aren't even teenagers yet. It's ridiculous that they treat your house and yourself in such a way especially if it's a toddler living there.
Personally I'd take on two lodgers and inform them while they are welcome to visit you aren't running an open house anymore.
Their father needs to speak to them for a 30yo to have so little respect for you as to leave period blood stained sheets in the bed is unacceptable.

Original poster

SavingUp · 09/08/2019 23:18

Thanks. Will keep you updated. 27 years between the eldest and the toddler. He was a young dad but isn't so much anymore!!

OP posts:

Coffeeandcherrypie · 09/08/2019 23:20

@TinklyLittleLaugh

I think if they were your own children you would feel differently about this.

I think OP would feel more comfortable telling the lazy sods to clean up after themselves if they were her own children. She’s maid to a 30 and 26 yo and you’re trying to guilt trip her!

Original poster

SavingUp · 09/08/2019 23:21

I did message the 30 year old about the blood stains. In middle of night as toddler had been ill and I was fuming. She wanted to talk about it (I told her a sorry was all that was needed) but it's never happened as she is out all the time and also frankly I am knackered with work and a full on toddler!

OP posts:

AndromedaPerseus · 09/08/2019 23:23

If they were OPs biological children it’ll be easier for her to pull them up on their behaviour since they aren’t their biological dad needs to grow a pair and do so

Original poster

SavingUp · 09/08/2019 23:24

Thanks @coffeeandcherrypie if it were my own I would sit down and tell them exactly what I thought they should stop spending on if they were serious about buying (esp in London when it's not even a necessity to live there !)

OP posts:

summersherewishiwasnt · 09/08/2019 23:27

You are a push over, no disrespect. Of course they want to move in. The resources you provide are free and plentiful to them with little to no effort from them. This needs to change, make it less attractive. Rent out a room, out some rules in place and NEVER, I mean me er, give them s key of their own.

headlock · 09/08/2019 23:27

I think it would be hard enough having your own grown up children coming to live with you. Having someone else's would be unbearable, especially if their visits already wind you up.
It's a recipe for disaster OP.
It's like they revert to being teenagers when they come to you. They're taking you for granted and need to grow up.
I couldn't do it personally.

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2019 23:29

Where does their mother live?

Didiusfalco · 09/08/2019 23:37

In all honesty I think I would rent the room out quickly before this idea got too far down the line. Then breezily say you needed the income and the house would be too crowded with anyone else moving in. I’m very sympathetic to the problem of saving a house deposit but not when £12k has been squandered.

Sceptre86 · 09/08/2019 23:38

26 and 30 is very different from 18. They are fully grown adults, lots of people their age have mortgages, children etc . I would expect them to be able to stand on their own two feet by now and would not be running after them. Could they not consider moving in with their other parent or even each other? They need to find accommodation they can afford and reduce their outgoings to be able to save. Yanbu.

StaplesCorner · 09/08/2019 23:48

Why on earth are you letting this go on? How have you had a relationship with this man and had a child together, when he is enabling two adults to treat you like dirt? They are not lovely.

What is your DP's take on all this? How long have you been together, looks like you are not married? Does he respect you? Because his children surely don't!

Glower · 09/08/2019 23:49

I’m a similar age to your stepchildren and I think you should not let one move in!

The main points are:

They sound absolutely horrendous with money and you would be subsidising them when 1) you need to be careful with money yourselves and 2) They need to learn to be responsible with their own money.

They are already inconsiderate and annoy you when they’re on short visits — this would only be worse when they’re living with you and it sounds like you’d struggle to get them to respect rules being their step mum.

I do understand that it’s partly your DH’s decision and I sympathise that he wants to help his children (I’ve also been allowed back home as an adult when I’ve needed it) but it sounds like they don’t respect you or your home and you’d just be enabling them money wise.

Rachelover40 · 09/08/2019 23:55

Cherrysoup
I think you need to tell them you'll charge proper rent and lay down ground rules. It's your home, not a hotel. They don't get to use you as a maid, that's disgraceful.
---
I agree with that. Could you let your step child - the one who wants to move in with you - have two bedrooms, the bigger of the two to be used as own sitting room? He/she could have a TV in there. It would be a 'little flat', rather than living with dad and step mum, especially if he doesn't have to share a bathroom with you.

They do their own laundry and ironing, that's a must. No period blood carelessly left behind - yeuch.

Charge a fair rent, less than market value but enough for you to manage and have some for yourself. It could be good.

You sound really nice. I hope everything works out well and do remember, whatever they are planning now, they may change their minds and want to do something else; it isn't definite at the moment that either of them will be moving in. It could just be an idea.

Barbarafromblackpool · 10/08/2019 08:01

No. They're taking the piss; they're not 16 and 20. If they've pissed away 12k why on earth would you have them in your home hogging the telly and rolling in when they like it. I can't believe you're entertaining the idea.

IceAndASlice123 · 10/08/2019 08:12

I don't think its their ages that are the problem, its the lack of respect.
Everyone saying 'When I was their age, I had a mortgage, kids and was married ', Well, that isnt the issue here.
The issue is the way OP is being treated and the fact that they are acting disrespectfully towards her.
If they are going to move in, you need to be charging rent and coming up with some ground rules, making it clear that if they are not adhered to, they are out.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 10/08/2019 13:37

Would a lodger want to share a house with an adult who behaves like a slob (your SD). I don't how big your house is, how many bathrooms etc, but surely you will be more likely to get a decent lodger if he is just sharing with the three of you in a house that is kept clean and tidy. If the SDs help themselves to all the food and wine in the house then how will that work if a lodger is keeping his food in your fridge.

R44Me · 10/08/2019 14:10

Aren't tiny flats 300,000 in London. How would anyone save a deposit for that from 0.
Unless they are highly qualified.
Forget that. They can live where they can afford to live.
BTW are you letting DH off the hook as he is 'old' - certainly sounds like you do all the sheet changing?!

Original poster

SavingUp · 10/08/2019 14:11

I am a push over yes. And 4 adults in the house is very tight so a lodger wouldn't be great. DP and I are going to chat about this tonight. I strongly suspect as PP have said that the plan could easily change too so unless we keep any savings it could be squandered.

OP posts:

Original poster

SavingUp · 10/08/2019 14:12

I know this is pathetic but I can't sleep worrying about this and getting angry about it

OP posts:

Original poster

SavingUp · 10/08/2019 14:13

He did one of the sheet changes. Then she came home, put the other one in the washing machine then left do we had to hang it to dry!! And of course the stains were completely ingrained by then

OP posts:

Fragalino · 10/08/2019 14:19

Just make sure there are clear ground rules.
I'd say the wine smashed, left puts me off, have enough on my plate what are we going to do if you don't pull your weight, try and get worse case scenario in now.
Dicuss expected chores and what will happen if not done. If they don't think anything is fair, then tweak but otherwise they'd don't move in.

Maybe ask for direct debit to you, dh for everything they want to save plus small money to cover bills food. Then you know they are saving.

. Go thru your own expenditure with them and theirs. Show them how yiu as family live in less.

dottiedodah · 10/08/2019 14:49

If you explain to them both kindly .that you need the income from a lodger and need to keep bedroom 4 for either of them when they come to stay.! .That way they may not be offended.DH really needs to step up to the plate here though .If they have an active social life how are friends going to be catered for?.Will they wake the baby up when they come in or be woken by babe?!.Maybe point this out to them!

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