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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dilemma about grown up stepchildren

115 replies

SavingUp · 09/08/2019 21:24

Would really appreciate others' opinions.

My DP and I share a house (I own 60%). He has 2 grown up children and we have a toddler. His children are lovely but visits usually grate on me a bit. They come unannounced expecting their bedroom to be available and help themselves to food including toddler food and stuff we have planned for ourselves and never wash up after themselves. On one occasion one of them just took one of our bottles of wine to go out then broke it in the street and left it in our front garden promising to clear it up and never did. Just some examples of many! In brief I'm pleased they feel at home but they behave a bit like teenagers which annoys me. Hog the living room with TV on all day etc

They both work (earning c£25k) and are terrible with money as they are perpetually broke but spend a lot on pubs, subscriptions eg Netflix and amazon prime, hotels, expensive yoga classes, lots of takeaways etc so it just fritters away I guess. They both got given a sizeable inheritance a year ago (£12k) and its all gone. Their lifestyle is much much better than ours (although difficult with a toddler to have a social life but we are very careful with money eg food shop etc). They've now decided they want to save to buy in London (neither of them work in London although one in outskirts). And one of them wants to move in with us to save up.

I think it's great they are thinking this and genuinely want to support it but firstly I'm not sure how realistic they are being. They are talking of saving 500-800 a month each which doesn't go far (esp in London!) and I just don't see them making savings elsewhere so it would be just us subsidising them. We would forsake a lodger so would be losing out there. I've worked out our disposable income after mortgage and childcare costs are actually lower than theirs. Also a part of me resents it when they're here because I feel like their maid. I don't want this to cloud my judgement though because I really want to see the set up and happy. I just think they are being so unrealistic and can't see them saving properly for it - and their visits stress me out so this would wind me up.

Happy to be told IABU but this is already stressing me out and I need to know what I should be trying to do...

OP posts:
Gson · 09/08/2019 21:58

*sorry - haven't a clue how to save!

EileenAlanna · 09/08/2019 21:59

Where are they living at the moment? Do they already share a flat/house?
Sit down with the one that wants to move in & go over their finances/budget. Get everything that they're paying out on their lifestyle down on paper - sometimes having it there in black & white is enough of a shock to jolt ppl out of complacency. Be clear how much rent you'd be asking them, and that it's non-negotiable. Work out from there how much they're realistically going to have for savings & how long it'll take to save a deposit.
Be clear too that there'd be house rules & what they would be. Housework, privacy, if/when they can have visitors especially for parties etc.

Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 22:02

That's my worry @PanGalactic

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 09/08/2019 22:03

I have a dsd aged 35 who keeps hinting that she'd like to move in and live with us. I've just said "no"! It wouldn't work and I've no intention of trying it out. Dp wouldn't disagree. If he did, I'd buy a campervan and take off into the wild blue yonder and leave them to it. No means no.

Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 22:04

@Jaxhog yes that's how I behaved so makes me resent them more! Just spoke to DP who is away at the mo. He is incredulous too and we will talk about it more tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 22:06

Arghhhhh

OP posts:
Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 22:07

You are all stronger than me!

OP posts:
Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 22:07

We live in London so they come nearly every weekend for parties and it's kind of developed from there

OP posts:
Original poster
SavingUp · 09/08/2019 22:09

@Gson that is EXACTLY what I was like. I am far from perfect but I know I made such an effort when I was doing the same

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 09/08/2019 22:12

@savingup I'd start with house rules now. If they can't behave when visiting for a few days at the weekend, they certainly won't if they stay for longer. Your DP needs to make it very clear that they don't get to stay even then if they don't behave.

Gson · 09/08/2019 22:13

As nice as they are - don't let them take advantage of you. You have a toddler and they are coming for parties - unless they are willing to meet you half way it just won't work!!!

merlotqueen · 09/08/2019 22:16

Well, if they behave like small children and you have so far let them, then they will think they can move in and you will take care of them.

I think this would be a very bad move on all fronts. They need to grow up and stop frittering away their money, not move in with you and carry on as before, because that is what will happen.

Even with them not moving in, set some ground rules for the visits too. They are cheeky and disrespectful. If you had said they were 18 and 20 then I'd have thought ok, not quite mature but 26 and 30, FFS!

Oldieandgoldie · 09/08/2019 22:20

Oh, we were looking to take a paying lodger @£xxx per month to help with our much needed income. However if you wish to take over paying the £xxx, thats fine...subject to the usual lodger rules...no tv after 10pm, no overnight guests, no loud music, no dirty dishes etc etc

Good luck!

fikel · 09/08/2019 22:22

It’s not ideal, I think your DH needs to say no and explain why. They shouldn’t be living anywhere rent free at their age and you guys shouldn’t be subsidising then because they’re so appalling with money.
They could rent a room via website spare room, organise their lives and not put on you

EmeraldShamrock · 09/08/2019 22:23

I'd move somewhere very boring. Wink
Yanbu OP it can only be a disaster, they need to grow up, tell them to hire a caravan for a few months if they are serious about saving. Their dreams are not realistic if they were genuine hardworking and needed to save on rent it'd be a different situation, they'll be coming in at all hours of the night all week if they live with you.

IamtheOA · 09/08/2019 22:26

Just be clear.....
Tell them you have conflicting lifestyles at the moment, and you like them too much to ruin the relationship

MimiSunshine · 09/08/2019 22:26

WTF? 26 & 30??? That is beyond the age of moving back home (unless emergency situation).

To buy in London, they’d surely need to be with you for YEARS especially as they’ve already pissed away £12k.

Give them a firm no. They already treat your house as just a convenient base for partying that rather helpfully provides free food & wine too.
They’re not going to suddenly change their behaviour when living there.

strawberry2017 · 09/08/2019 22:28

I think with you having a young child to consider this is the last thing you need! X

bumblebeejockstrap · 09/08/2019 22:29

They are 26 and 30 🤣

Oh you must be joking, I appreciate you are in a difficult position to say NO, but you should. Otherwise offer them to set up a budget and tell them your funds are smaller than theirs. What is your dhs take on this?

But fgs they are adults with good incomes, they need to do this themselves otherwise they will never learn.

Teddybear45 · 09/08/2019 22:31

I’m assuming you are close to their age. As such the burden of ‘parenting’ them should tall entirely on your DP. If he’s unwilling to lay down the law and enforce it then they shouldn’t stay. London lifestyles can be expensive even if they get a job that pays double and live at home - if they fritter their money away there’s no hope of them ever leaving.

womaninthedark · 09/08/2019 22:32

For heaven's sake, disentangle yourself financially from this man and his wanna-be-dependent adults.
You own 60%? How? Get it back and get out of there.

PerkyPomPoms · 09/08/2019 22:32

I second offering them the lodger option at lodger rates and rules. They have t realised what you will lose.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 09/08/2019 22:36

Ivo of how little respect they show you and your house and the fact they have each pissed away a £12k inheritance, my answer would be a big fact No to them moving in. I never behaved like this towards my parents, let alone a stepparent. They were both incredibly stupid not to save the £12k for a deposit on a property.

willstarttomorrow · 09/08/2019 22:39

OP you sound lovely. I have been in a similar situation in that I have much older step children and my own child to late DH. It is very hard to build a relationship and it never feels appropriate to act in a way which comes across as their parent.
Firstly you need to sit down with DH and discuss if this can work. He is totally key and has to understand his role so you are not 'the wicked stepmother'. So no indulgent/guilty absent parenting allowed.
If there is potential for them to stay then there has to be a really clear arrangement in place about what is okay. This will respect DSC as adults but also respects that they are living in a family home and have responsibilities as part of the household. Finally you have to agree on the rent they pay and what is included in this. They will still be saving money and to be honest at their ages no one is doing them a favour by totally funding their lifestyles. It may also be worth agreeing a date to review if it is working for you all.

ivykaty44 · 09/08/2019 22:40

Just be clear.....
Tell them you have conflicting lifestyles at the moment, and you like them too much to ruin the relationship

This