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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dilemma about grown up stepchildren

115 replies

SavingUp · 09/08/2019 21:24

Would really appreciate others' opinions.

My DP and I share a house (I own 60%). He has 2 grown up children and we have a toddler. His children are lovely but visits usually grate on me a bit. They come unannounced expecting their bedroom to be available and help themselves to food including toddler food and stuff we have planned for ourselves and never wash up after themselves. On one occasion one of them just took one of our bottles of wine to go out then broke it in the street and left it in our front garden promising to clear it up and never did. Just some examples of many! In brief I'm pleased they feel at home but they behave a bit like teenagers which annoys me. Hog the living room with TV on all day etc

They both work (earning c£25k) and are terrible with money as they are perpetually broke but spend a lot on pubs, subscriptions eg Netflix and amazon prime, hotels, expensive yoga classes, lots of takeaways etc so it just fritters away I guess. They both got given a sizeable inheritance a year ago (£12k) and its all gone. Their lifestyle is much much better than ours (although difficult with a toddler to have a social life but we are very careful with money eg food shop etc). They've now decided they want to save to buy in London (neither of them work in London although one in outskirts). And one of them wants to move in with us to save up.

I think it's great they are thinking this and genuinely want to support it but firstly I'm not sure how realistic they are being. They are talking of saving 500-800 a month each which doesn't go far (esp in London!) and I just don't see them making savings elsewhere so it would be just us subsidising them. We would forsake a lodger so would be losing out there. I've worked out our disposable income after mortgage and childcare costs are actually lower than theirs. Also a part of me resents it when they're here because I feel like their maid. I don't want this to cloud my judgement though because I really want to see the set up and happy. I just think they are being so unrealistic and can't see them saving properly for it - and their visits stress me out so this would wind me up.

Happy to be told IABU but this is already stressing me out and I need to know what I should be trying to do...

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 10/08/2019 18:00

Do you know what op - they've had their chance. They've been reared by their parents (even if separated) and educated and are now well into adulthood where the majority of people are independent. They had a windfall of £12k each and didn't think to save it. You now have a toddler you need to focus on and save for. You taking a measly £200 from a possible £1000 per month and saving £800 for them is just not enough for you. £200 per month will not cover their expenses and you will be footing bills to support them, which is completely unfair. The one planning to live with you simply needs to change their plan to move to London and find somewhere they can actually afford to live. As for the weekend visits - agree on a set weekend every month/6weeks and outside of that tell them that your house is not open for visits. You're not running a free hotel, as they seem to think. I really hope your Dh is on side. If my Dh allowed this entitled shit to carry on I'd seriously be rethinking my relationship.

boosterrooster · 10/08/2019 18:27

They are earning plenty. You need help with the mortgage so take on a lodger as planned. Tough shit kids.

Original poster

SavingUp · 14/08/2019 22:33

OK so an update. I asked for a clear proposal setting out budgets, mortgage, savings etc and was really impressed with the sibling who wants to move in with us. They are very enthused and genuinely real use how much money has been frittered. So we are happy to let them live with us and take 800 a month that they can't touch for saving and 150 contribution towards food.

The problem is with the older one. Firstly she is only planning on saving 400 a month. We have challenged this as I know her take home pay is 1800 and rent 450.

Then we want to rent out "her" room. But DP is worried she will be distraught. Asked me how I would feel if she killed herself. She is always unhappy (but I've always thought if it more as being spoilt and unsatisfied but maybe I'm being unfair!). We don't know what to do and he is scared to tell her. We've found the perfect tenant.

I'm being a mug aren't I!

OP posts:

BumblePan · 14/08/2019 22:39

It's a no for me. The inheritance should have been saved if they were serious about purchasing.

Original poster

SavingUp · 14/08/2019 22:44

We don't desperately need the income but it would help things a fair amount

OP posts:

Sunshineface123 · 14/08/2019 22:52

Couldn't she just sleep in with her sister if she wants to stay?

Original poster

SavingUp · 14/08/2019 22:57

That's what we would suggest..

OP posts:

EileenAlanna · 14/08/2019 22:57

Your DP is being way over dramatic there. If he seriously thinks she's likely to kill herself because she doesn't have her own bedroom in a house that was never her "family home" when she rolls up on a clubbing weekend then he needs to get her to a doctor/psychiatrist instead of spouting nonsense.
Good news though that the other DSD is really serious about planning & financing her future.

R2G · 14/08/2019 22:58

No yanbu

R2G · 14/08/2019 23:00

Although if you're letting one move in can't they both move in in bunk beds?

Thistly · 14/08/2019 23:04

So the financial side of things has been discussed.
What about housework?
Have you told her you don’t want to spoil your relationship by nagging?
Because either she steps up or you will be forced to nag and it won’t feel ok.

Thistly · 14/08/2019 23:07

Siblings don’t need to be given equally, but according to their needs. You may decide it’s ok for one to move in but that doesn’t mean the other should feel entitled.
I would be concerned about the strain on the space. You say it’s a small 4 bed, and the dc leaving their stuff around is already a problem. I say you are bonkers to countenance having 5 adults and a toddler in the house. It would be a lot of stress on you.

glitterfarts · 15/08/2019 09:13

IF you let the adult child move in, just have a clear contract. Same as with a lodger. Rent to be paid in advance on x date/weekly.

Food to be paid on pay day or else this is your cupboard and shelf in fridge - we expect you not to touch rest of the food.

You do own washing, own cleaning, own cooking, own dishes.

Very clear expectations from the start, in writing. signed by all adults.
The sister can share with her sister when visiting London.

Lodger might be wanting just a city pad for work, to go home on weekends anyhow.

If they leave period blood on the sheets, I'd leave them for them to clean. Don't change the bed. Or if you need it in the meantime, I'd bag the sheets for them to do the next time they came.

No way would I be washing another woman's blood out of sheets. ew.

Di11y · 15/08/2019 09:37

I thought you had a 4 bed. is the 4th an office? is it regularly used as such?

Di11y · 15/08/2019 09:37

sorry forgot about the toddler!

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