To charge DS (an apprentice) a nominal rent.

[Fillmitchell]

DS is entering his second year of his apprenticeship in September. He started last September on a salary of 10k, in college full time but the company still pay a salary for the full time college as he’d then go to work for them in the holidays, We had just paid for all of his driving lessons and paid half his first year car insurance when he passed.

When he secured the apprenticeship we agreed a ‘rent’ of £80 a month which replaced the child benefit I was getting which then stopped. This covers all his electric, heating, evening meal, a family takeaway once a week, internet, all his washing and ironing, room hoovered, bedding changed and I still pay his mobile phone bill of £15 a month.

Next month his salary will increase to 12k pa. He will now be in work full time and college one day a week. He has paid his own car insurance this year, pays his car loan and pays for his own clothes and food in work / college. We still charge the £80 a month but most months he’s late and he hands it over a bit grudgingly.

Tonight there’s been words over the fact he’s out until midnight every night, carousing around in his car despite the fact he needs to be up at 6.30am for work. I reminded him that whilst he was still living in our home he needed to be mindful of coming and going at all hours of the night and that he was very lucky to be only paying £80 a month rent and that if he wanted complete freedom to treat the place like a hotel it would cost him a lot more to move out.

He rudely informed me that it is disgusting that we are charging him rent as he’s an apprentice which is considered to be full time education, his friends don’t get charged and even they think we are out of order for taking it. He has made me feel like a grabby, nasty cow to be honest, I’m really upset by it all.

AIBU for taking the £80 a month?

No you are not!!
On YTS I had to pay my mum £10 a week keep.
I charge my ds1 keep. He lived in at uni for a week before deciding to come home and commute. His halls were about £140 a week!
I’m a single parent and can’t afford to subsidise him living at home without help.
He’s learnt how much everything costs and knows he needs to contribute.
My first full time job was 12k and I had to support myself on that then (I know things have changed since the late 90’s but still!) living at home on that is a good amount to be saving and still having a good social life!

Crickey! I could have written this post as I'm in almost the same situation! DS isn't an apprentice but had a pt job whilst in college and has now finished the course and has no intention of going to university or working any more hours. He's out late in his car with friends, treats the house like a hotel and is generally unpleasant. I charge him £80 a month ...apparently no one else has to pay this. I've told him that it is going up in September as he is capable of working full time so he needs to do more hours to pay his way. He's not happy and I do feel a bit mean sometimes until he's a total git again!
His older brother was an apprentice and I charged him rent. I used to put it in a savings account. When he decided to go to university it paid for a couple of terms accommodation.
So, I think they should pay as part of growing up and learning the value of things.

@Fillmitchell

He would have around £950 a month (net pay) with that salary, so £80 a month is not enough IMO. I would take around £150 a month. (£35 a week.) He will still have £800 a month left!

Yanbu

Nope, YANBU. I paid my mum £250 a month when I got my first job. He’s earning a wage, £1k a month (or thereabouts), £80 is nothing. At that age he’ll be eating you out if house and home.

He’s very rude and ungrateful to tell you what you are doing is disgusting. I would up the keep to £100 pm. Is he going his own washing, cleaning etc?

@Fillmitchell

If your son thinks it's 'disgusting' that you are charging him rent, tell him that he is quite welcome to fuck off and leave. I mean if he is sooooooooo hard done by, having to pay £20 a bastard week out of around £220, then see how he copes if he lives away from home!

Hello. My first job 32 years ago paid me £3,000 per year and I had to pay £10 per week rent, do my own washing and ironing and others chores, so no you are totally reasonable.

He doesn’t have to do any housework at all. He will walk the dog on a weekend if I ask, get the washing in etc. For the £80 he has a cleaned room, fresh bedding weekly, all clothes washed, all utilities covered. He doesn’t always eat much at home as he has main meals in work so snacks in the evening or eats out with friends. We pay for a family takeaway or a meal out on the weekend and he’s always included.
I still pay his £15 a month mobile phone bill as it’s still linked to my account.
I think he doesn’t do badly. He sees it as being in full time education and therefore we should still be completely supporting him.

£80 a month is fair on that wage. And I wouldn't be doing his ironing and hoovering or paying his phone bill either!

To be honest though the being out until midnight wouldn't bother me, I used to be out until all hours and get to work fine when I was a teen. It's his responsibility to make sure he is up and fit for work, I'd leave him to it.

Can the people who are voting YABU please also explain the reasoning behind that? Is it because you feel he is in FTE?

OP, think you and his dad have enabled him by the fresh bedding and laundry and mobile bill paid.

He needs to do his own laundry. Please don’t tell me you make up his bed for him too?

And he needs to pay you £15 for the phone.

No you are not being unreasonable. The minute I went to work at 18 I began handing over a quarter of my wages as housekeeping to my Mum. Maybe that would seem a bit steep now but he should expect to pay his keep now he is working.

Tell him that you'll reduce the rent but he'll have to pay for the phone and takeaway if he wants one, so that works out.... oh the same!
Then if he wants his washing and cleaning done then you'll have to add a service charge.

Would he like to change to the new plan?

No he's being very unreasonable! I'd be tempted to call his bluff and tell him if he doesn't like it then he should move out. I'd also be getting very strict about collecting his rent, not because you're greedy but because it's a vitally important habit for him to used to, preparing him for life after he's left home. Cheeky so and so, he's got a lovely set up for next to nothing, he doesn't realise how lucky he is! I wouldn't believe him when he says nobody else has to pay either.

I reminded him that whilst he was still living in our home he needed to be mindful of coming and going at all hours of the night

So he pays rent but it's not his home? Was it his home before he paid rent? Did you ever consider your children to have a home? Was it his home as a baby? As a small child?

Calling it your home but not his is disgusting. It's his home too. Your attitude is horrible. Where is his home if it's not with you?

And why do you think you get a say in when he comes home? Unless he's stomping in noisily and being inconsiderate then there's no justification other than wanting to control him.

If you're going to justify charging him rent on the basis of him being an "adult" then you can't pick and choose when that applies and decide to infantilise him when it suits you, but classify him as an adult when you want money off him.

I think that's disgusting.

How old was he when you first started charging him rent?

I would put his rent up to a £100 a month- still tiny in comparison to what rent costs! Stop paying his phone bill from sept.

I wouldn’t be changing his sheets either or doing his laundry.

If he’s polite I might treat him to the odd takeaway but it’s not a weekly god given right.

If he doesn’t like it off he pops!

How dare he speak to you like that in your own home?

PS- I would stop caring about him coming home at midnight that’s not really a problem is it?

Technically he's wrong anyway - it's 80% work, 20% education.
If it was 100% education you'd still be getting CB.

A thread of people competing and backslapping about how vile they are to their children. Grim.

I said Yabu, because there is no rhyme nor reason to your demands. It’s controlling.

You charge him rent but pay his phone bill and driving lessons, that’s weird. You do his washing and cleaning - how old is he? Why on earth would you be doing that? But you seem to think that’s included in his rent - weird.

When you first mention him staying out late, you say the problem is that he has to get up the next day. That’s none of your business.

It’s not a hotel I’d like to stay in frankly. Not even for £80 a month.

You can’t charge rent and complain about his life choices. Arghh.

A thread of people competing and backslapping about how vile they are to their children. Grim.

How about suggest a way forward rather than saying how vile others are?

He was a month before he turned 18 when we started charging him, he’ll be 19 next month.

Of course this is his home, he’s just completely inconsiderate to anyone else and comes and goes at all times, id just like a bit of courtesy. We all have to live together as a family, he seems to be living on the periphery at the moment, rude and condescending when I ask him where he’s going and what time he thinks he’ll be home. I get told ‘out’ and when I ask him where I get told ‘you don’t need to know, I’m an adult’.
Yet he’s not treated like an adult when it comes to doing any of his own chores. We are at fault I guess, if he wants to be treated like an adult then he needs adult responsibility.

Of course rent can be charged and lifestyles commented on. Being woken up by people in the early hours isn't ideal. Unless he wants to live on his own and pay for it all himself. Then he can do what he wants! He's currently being heavily subsidised. I think you're being reasonable personally

Nope! Yanbu. You are doing the best you can. I earned similar years ago and gave my mum £300 a month

Of course YANBU, if he doesn't like it then he's welcome to go elsewhere. He needs to pay his own phone bill too.

One thing YABU about is him staying out late though, he's not a child anymore so you cant dictate about things like that. I'm sure you were out late at 19 years old.

Oh also, get him to set up a standing order to you for the money to come to you each month. You shouldn't have to chase him for it.