To charge DS (an apprentice) a nominal rent.

[Fillmitchell]

DS is entering his second year of his apprenticeship in September. He started last September on a salary of 10k, in college full time but the company still pay a salary for the full time college as he’d then go to work for them in the holidays, We had just paid for all of his driving lessons and paid half his first year car insurance when he passed.

When he secured the apprenticeship we agreed a ‘rent’ of £80 a month which replaced the child benefit I was getting which then stopped. This covers all his electric, heating, evening meal, a family takeaway once a week, internet, all his washing and ironing, room hoovered, bedding changed and I still pay his mobile phone bill of £15 a month.

Next month his salary will increase to 12k pa. He will now be in work full time and college one day a week. He has paid his own car insurance this year, pays his car loan and pays for his own clothes and food in work / college. We still charge the £80 a month but most months he’s late and he hands it over a bit grudgingly.

Tonight there’s been words over the fact he’s out until midnight every night, carousing around in his car despite the fact he needs to be up at 6.30am for work. I reminded him that whilst he was still living in our home he needed to be mindful of coming and going at all hours of the night and that he was very lucky to be only paying £80 a month rent and that if he wanted complete freedom to treat the place like a hotel it would cost him a lot more to move out.

He rudely informed me that it is disgusting that we are charging him rent as he’s an apprentice which is considered to be full time education, his friends don’t get charged and even they think we are out of order for taking it. He has made me feel like a grabby, nasty cow to be honest, I’m really upset by it all.

AIBU for taking the £80 a month?

With the 80 a month the plan is that he will be given this back when (and if) he leaves home as a lump sum towards his new home. I feel he should be paying it as it gets him used to having outgoings. The fact I was paying his phone bill only occurred to me after we’d had words and I started to think about the situation, he really made me feel awful saying I was unreasonable to charge him anything at all.

DH Agrees with the ‘keep’ but thinks I’m being ridiculous to expect him to do his own washing when it’s easier to just put a full load on with everyone’s clothing in, DH tends todo the ironing anyway and he doesn’t mind doing DS’s things. Same with the hoovering, seems ridiculous to vacuum every other upstairs room and not take the 2 minutes to run it over DSs floor too. DS generally keeps his room tidy so it just requires a dusting.
DH doesn’t care about the late nights etc, he says leave him alone, he has to be able to manage his own times and if he’s late for work then it’s his lookout.
Seems like I need to chill, I can’t see DS cooking family meals etc as unless he’s in work or out socialising he’s in his room with the door closed. He doesn’t engage in family life.

It's not the chores themselves, it's DS taking some household responsibility. No different to what he'd have to do in his own/house-share home.

Charge him. If you can afford to , save it up and give it when he leaves home

It’s not about whether it’s inconvenient for you or dh. It’s about your son contributing and learning how to do these tasks.

You want to teach him to contribute financially but in no other way? I’ve dated men who were raised this way and jeez, they often stick to their lazy arsehole ways.

It’s just so much more important that he helps out in the family chores than pay this nominal amount of ‘rent’ surely? Especially as he’s good with money already.

It's not that you should 'miss' his room or his luandry, it's the fact that your son should take turns in doing the family laundry and hoover the house, he uses the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom right? he should be jointly responsible to keep these clean.

My 9 year old takes turns doing the hoovering and dusting and sorting and folding laundry,. She even helps cook.
How the hell is she meant to know how to make herself dinner or work a washing machine if I don't teach her?

Thanks all, I have actually told him that the £80 I take now will be given back to him as a lump sum if and when he decides to get a place of his own.

That’s actually an incredibly lovely thing to do. You’re a really nice Mum.

Do make him do his own washing though. That’s a life skill he needs to learn. My Mum never taught me but my husband put loads (for the entire family of 6) on from secondary school age. I can still barely do it so he’s in charge. That’s one of the reasons I thank God for my late MIL and her insistence on properly domesticating all her four boys.

OP I really think you need to say to DH, when is the best time for DS to learn these things? It's better he gets into a routine now.

I think I am very lucky with my 18 yr old. He earns roughly £1000 a month and pays a third of that in rent --- his choice. He would have paid more, but I told him no. He pays all his own outgoings including his car and petrol. He helps out at home with no arguing.
It is good for them at this age to realise there are responsibilities in life.

To the original OP, your son needs to be careful if he is driving at midnight due to his car insurance becoming invalid. My son has a black box and he can't drive after 10 pm.

No driving after 10pm! I’m amazed how restrictive these black boxes are, madness

I paid 20% of my part time wages while i was at college. When i went full time i paid a flat £250. No mobiles then and i paid for my own car and lessons.

I'll certainly be charging DD when she starts working.

I think the crux of it is perhaps your son doesn’t feel very welcome.

YANBU but the mistake is calling it rent, rent is what you pay for the privilege of living somewhere
Lodgings or keep is what your son is paying, he should be paying 25% ( as I think you said 4 of you) of utilities electricity gas WiFi his share of food bill and his own phone bill, I would be very surprised if that came to less than £80.
Everyone in house should contribute to chores , I do think washing separately increases number of loads and is bad for environment and bills but he could walk dog more etc
There should be consideration for other family members is coming in quietly late at night but being late for work is his pigeon and you should get off his case. If you are cooking for him it is just courtesy to tell you whether going to be home for dinner or not. It is fine to have house rules about overnight guests

My dd lives at home and earns way more than me. She pays £400 a month. If she was to move out and rent (she wouldn't want to be in a houseshare) she'd be paying at least twice that. She knows that living here means she can save a lot as she wants to buy a house in the next couple of years. She also paid her way when she was a student as she stayed at home, although she didn't pay as much then. She is very good at setting herself budgets and we all rub along just fine as we respect each other.

One of my boys is an apprentice, he pays about £35 on fuel and then his car tax and insurance and his mobile bill. I say to him 10% of what is left is his rent, he also needs to save £50 a month too, his twin who earns more and has no travel costs pays double. They're working adults and need to learn life isn't free. If they can find room, board and lodgings, food, utilities etc for £100 a month, they are welcome to move out. You ANBU!! In fact it's better parenting than producing another entitled brat to foist upon society.