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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge DS (an apprentice) a nominal rent.

115 replies

Fillmitchell · 08/08/2019 21:21

DS is entering his second year of his apprenticeship in September. He started last September on a salary of 10k, in college full time but the company still pay a salary for the full time college as he’d then go to work for them in the holidays, We had just paid for all of his driving lessons and paid half his first year car insurance when he passed.

When he secured the apprenticeship we agreed a ‘rent’ of £80 a month which replaced the child benefit I was getting which then stopped. This covers all his electric, heating, evening meal, a family takeaway once a week, internet, all his washing and ironing, room hoovered, bedding changed and I still pay his mobile phone bill of £15 a month.

Next month his salary will increase to 12k pa. He will now be in work full time and college one day a week. He has paid his own car insurance this year, pays his car loan and pays for his own clothes and food in work / college. We still charge the £80 a month but most months he’s late and he hands it over a bit grudgingly.

Tonight there’s been words over the fact he’s out until midnight every night, carousing around in his car despite the fact he needs to be up at 6.30am for work. I reminded him that whilst he was still living in our home he needed to be mindful of coming and going at all hours of the night and that he was very lucky to be only paying £80 a month rent and that if he wanted complete freedom to treat the place like a hotel it would cost him a lot more to move out.

He rudely informed me that it is disgusting that we are charging him rent as he’s an apprentice which is considered to be full time education, his friends don’t get charged and even they think we are out of order for taking it. He has made me feel like a grabby, nasty cow to be honest, I’m really upset by it all.

AIBU for taking the £80 a month?

OP posts:
zeezee3 · 08/08/2019 22:59

@caballerino

A thread with people competing and backslapping for how vile they are to their children... grim!

What on earth are you on about? Confused

Butchyrestingface · 08/08/2019 23:03

a thread of people competing and backslapping about how vile they are to their children. Grim

Think you’ve found 1% of that 18% of voters, OP! Wink

MuddlingMackem · 08/08/2019 23:04

RaininSummer Thu 08-Aug-19 21:48:29
No you are not being unreasonable. The minute I went to work at 18 I began handing over a quarter of my wages as housekeeping to my Mum.

You got off lightly - my brother and I had to hand over a third of our wages for board. Grin And DH and I will be charging our DC a third when they start earning if they're still living at home.

Hecateh · 08/08/2019 23:06

It would be £80 per week if he was mine (even if I was putting it away for him for the future)

Genevieva · 08/08/2019 23:11

I think you chose a sensible amount for this transition period. I would recommend that you stop paying his £15/month phone bill and leave his phone up to him. I also suggest that you say there are some domestic housekeeping contributions expected, such as keeping his room tidy, cleaning the bathroom once a week, emptying the dishwasher when it needs doing...

Dutchesss · 08/08/2019 23:13

Honestly I'd tell him to not pay rent, then I'd scrap the takeaways, phone bill and stop doing his washing/ironing/cleaning.
He'll soon realise what a jerk he was being.

eternalfun · 08/08/2019 23:15

I said yabu because if he was at uni I would probably be financially supporting him (if he were my child). Not sure how much but I would not expect my children to stand on their own two feet at that age.

However, on the other hand £80 a month is so little compare to what he is getting that you could say that you probably are subsidising him a fair bit anyway.

I think you should stop doing his washing and cleaning etc though. He’s old enough to do that himself.

He’s also being unreasonable the way he’s talking to you, so I’m not taking sides here!

RomaineCalm · 08/08/2019 23:16

I used to give my parents £80/month when I first started working and that was over 30 years ago. If I paid the same % now on a salary of £12k/year it would be £200/month.

My parents didn't need the money but they did want me to understand that rent, bills, food etc. cost money and that you only have spending money once you have paid for the essentials.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2019 23:18

Why in the hell are you doing his washing and cleaning his room? That is utterly ridiculous. You're not a maid in a bloody hotel!

annikin · 08/08/2019 23:19

I voted yabu. I think it's a really low wage and he's still in education, albeit part time, so I wouldn't charge rent yet. I would maybe be encouraging him to save instead (maybe a choice between rent or enforced saving?) At this age I did pay rent to my parents but I was working full time with better pay. And the rent stopped when I started really saving towards buying a flat because they thought that was a better use for my money.

helpmeiamatoad · 08/08/2019 23:22

OP do you really tidy your 19 year old son’s bedroom for him?

NameChangedForTheDay · 08/08/2019 23:24

YADNBU. It's a very nominal fee, you're still taking care of him, so it's not he's just a lodger.
He's got plenty of money left to play with and is learning that you have to pay your way in life and prioritise / budget.

His friends don't pay keep? Big whoop. Good for them. This isn't about them, it's about you instilling morals and ethics. Good for you.

I was on £900 a month in my first FT job, paid £25 p/w rent. I begrudged it a bit as I did my own cooking and washing, but now 25 years on, I'm happy I did pay.

MustShowDH · 08/08/2019 23:26

Why are you charging him? Is it because it's a good habit for him to get into? Or because you need the money / it makes things a bit more comfortable financially for you?

I don't think YAB completely U.

If you don't NEED the money, maybe set up a savings account for him and insist he sets up a standing order for around 15% of his take home pay. He can then use that money as a deposit for a house one day. It gets him into good habits without him feeling you are being unfair.

Pipandmum · 08/08/2019 23:30

As he’s an adult and working he should either move out or pay to live with you. If up it to £100 and get him to do his own phone.
But I really do not understand why you are doing his housekeeping! He should not only clean his own room and do his own laundry, but other stuff like mow the lawn etc. If he wants maid service charge him! However he will be leaving home eventually and should have those skills.
Sit him down and spell it out. If he’s not happy he can always do a houseshare with his mates.

Ibiza2015 · 08/08/2019 23:30

The rent’s fine. Draw up a rota for chores.

The going out though, YABU. He’s an adult, he’s working and turning up and paying you rent. If it affects his work they will deal with it and he will have to accept that but at his age you really can’t expect to be dictating bedtimes and where he goes or a full account of his movements. As long as he doesn’t wake you I can’t see the issue.

I think at his age it’s more appropriate to move to a system that concentrates more on safety rather than what he is doing and whether you approve. That would mean more like expecting a text if he’s not coming back all night, not expecting a full account of his movements or staying up waiting.

WineIsMyMainVice · 08/08/2019 23:31

I would definitely not be paying his mobile bill!

Yanbu!

ispepsiok · 08/08/2019 23:32

Fuck that - tell him to grow up or move out. He should be paying a reasonable amount of rent compared to his income, he's in for a shock when he actually moves out, and stop paying his phone bill!

Stop enabling his childish behaviour, he can do his own washing/cleaning and contribute to housework in general.

Ibiza2015 · 08/08/2019 23:32

Yet he’s not treated like an adult when it comes to doing any of his own chores. We are at fault I guess, if he wants to be treated like an adult then he needs adult responsibility.

This is the thing, he needs to contribute to money and chores like an adult and in return you won’t nag him about sleep or where he’s been.

Itsallpointless · 08/08/2019 23:47

Another thread full of "you can't possibly take money from a child"Hmm

Amazed to read how a 'child' can be paid £10k a year, and not have to contribute to living expenses because they are learning??? Seriously?? When a 'child' starts work, are they not 'learning' too??

I started work at 16 (a mere 'child') and I paid my mum keep money.

It is utterly ridiculous for someone (regardless of age) to live rent free whilst earning a wage.

YADNBU

Don't be guilt tripped OP

chocatoo · 08/08/2019 23:50

I paid more than your son in the 1970s.

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 08/08/2019 23:57

I'll pay £80 a month to have my house pristine, my food sorted for me and my phone bill paid.
My mortgage is 10x that a month and I pay £80 a month for my cleaner alone!

Original poster
Fillmitchell · 09/08/2019 00:01

Thanks all, I have actually told him that the £80 I take now will be given back to him as a lump sum if and when he decides to get a place of his own. He saves the rest of his salary and has quite a few thousand pounds.
I do recognise that I need to try and worry less about his whereabouts and him being out late when he has work the next day. I also feel though that consideration should be given to others in the house that need to go to bed early. He’s a bit dopey about DHs shifts / nights out and will lock the front door leaving the key in it so DH is then having to knock us up to be let in.
I feel like I need a visitors book in the hall and get everyone to sign in and out so we know who is home!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fillmitchell · 09/08/2019 00:04

I am also going to have a good think about what can be handed over to him to manage. It’s seems petty not to stick his washing in along with ours, it’s no real extra work. He keeps his room tidy, I just run the vacuum over it and dust plus change his bed. Those tasks he can take over from now on though.

OP posts:
Loftyswops988 · 09/08/2019 00:56

I am currently living back at home temporarily as i am back in FTE, I have around the same amount of money coming in as your son. I give my parents £200 a month!

IAskTooManyQuestions · 09/08/2019 03:14

The ridiculously irrelevant comments always get me on these threads eg "oh when I was 16 and started work I had to hand over 30% of my salary" blah blah - that's when the school leaving age was 16, it isn't now. My dad left school at 11, evacuated, never had an education after that. Started proper paid work at 14 - by some standards here every child with a newspaper round and a job sweeping up in a hair dressers should be handing over all of their pennies aged 14 because of some anecdotal bollocks wheeled out every. single. fucking. time this type of thread comes up.

General rant aimed at no one in particular:

For a parenting forum, there is some pretty poor parenting - rip your kids off and tell them to leave home if they don't like it. Three posts later they wonder why their entire family hates them and goes no contact. It's because you're abusive, manipulative and probably had poor parenting skills yourself, much less able to parent your own kids.