To charge DS (an apprentice) a nominal rent.

[Fillmitchell]

DS is entering his second year of his apprenticeship in September. He started last September on a salary of 10k, in college full time but the company still pay a salary for the full time college as he’d then go to work for them in the holidays, We had just paid for all of his driving lessons and paid half his first year car insurance when he passed.

When he secured the apprenticeship we agreed a ‘rent’ of £80 a month which replaced the child benefit I was getting which then stopped. This covers all his electric, heating, evening meal, a family takeaway once a week, internet, all his washing and ironing, room hoovered, bedding changed and I still pay his mobile phone bill of £15 a month.

Next month his salary will increase to 12k pa. He will now be in work full time and college one day a week. He has paid his own car insurance this year, pays his car loan and pays for his own clothes and food in work / college. We still charge the £80 a month but most months he’s late and he hands it over a bit grudgingly.

Tonight there’s been words over the fact he’s out until midnight every night, carousing around in his car despite the fact he needs to be up at 6.30am for work. I reminded him that whilst he was still living in our home he needed to be mindful of coming and going at all hours of the night and that he was very lucky to be only paying £80 a month rent and that if he wanted complete freedom to treat the place like a hotel it would cost him a lot more to move out.

He rudely informed me that it is disgusting that we are charging him rent as he’s an apprentice which is considered to be full time education, his friends don’t get charged and even they think we are out of order for taking it. He has made me feel like a grabby, nasty cow to be honest, I’m really upset by it all.

AIBU for taking the £80 a month?

He should be doing his own washing and cleaning his own bedroom imo at that age . My older kids do though they are entitled to choose to live in a hovel if they don't want to be bothered. I just shut the door and ignore. And yes he should pay his own bills as well for his phone.
But I don't tell them what time to be home etc . They are young adults and can work that out for themselves.
My youngest daughter is on an apprenticeship as well but on much less money than your son so I don't charge her but she has just got a full time job at the end of it starting in September so her wage will become a 'proper' one now so she will be paying a bit from then on.

Yanbu. I was charged £180 a month board, and paid my own phone bill, driving lessons and car/car insurance.

Its life, and its taught me that you cant get through life without paying for it first.
Now I'm 23 and bought a house (with dp) when I was 21.

I never quibbled about board, mum and her DH explained its covers food, water, electric ect while I live at home.. my older brother didnt like paying the £180 board.. he ended up moving into my dads house as he offered him a better deal initally but then ended up paying out more.

One thing we have done is encourage our daughter to get a help to buy isa . They are finishing shortly but if you save into them the gov top it up as well. You can only save 200 a month but it is a much better way of saving and is there when needed and it makes much more than you would get in interest anywhere else so worth a thought . In fact we pay 100 into it and our daughter pays 100 per month as well so the board I am going to be taking will mean that we are breaking even again more or less.
My older daughter who is now married laughs now about how she used to rant at me that she could do what she liked when she was a young adult because she paid the princely sum of 25 pounds a week in board! She was similarly outraged by that as your son but she soon learnt the cost of things when she had to run her own home.

It seems you have started to cut the cord but not fully. You are charging him rent which is fine. That is something you have decided on but then at the same time are cleaning his room, paying his phone bill etc.

You need to choose is he a adult or a child in your home?

If he is a adult then you treat him like one, charge him rent, do not clean his room, do not pay his phone bill but also note you can not then tell him what time he needs to be home at etc(obviously he needs to be quiet when coming in late)

Not that this matters to your situation...
My Mom left when I was 11. I knew my Dad was struggling to keep everything going. I got a job when I was old enough and insisted on paying rent and some bills etc. It took my Dad months to agree to taking it. Years later I wanted to travel and my Dad gifted me the money back(he had been saving it all along) I wouldn’t take it. Then we decided to make our stay permanent in Australia after 3 years. I used the deposit for our house and I fly my Dad out for a holiday every single year. He even has his own room with a sign saying Dads bedroom on it. He says we both did well out of it.

For a parenting forum, there is some pretty poor parenting - rip your kids off and tell them to leave home if they don't like it. Three posts later they wonder why their entire family hates them and goes no contact. It's because you're abusive, manipulative and probably had poor parenting skills yourself, much less able to parent your own kids.

Well this is just ridiculous hyperbole. Nobody is suggesting she rip him off - just £80 rent out of £1000 take home is a drop on the ocean. Nobody who paid rent is saying that they now have a poor relationship with their parents. Quite the opposite.

I didn’t pay rent to my parents but then I never lived at home whilst earning that sort of wage. So swings and roundabouts.

OP I think he was just throwing his toys out of the pram. Time for a chat about house rules- ie, ok come and go as you like but act like an adult and don’t lock your dad out! That would seriously piss me off!

Its about responsibility surely? Young people at university have far less to live on than the OP's son, especially those living away from home. Once a child starts earning an adult income, and some single adults have far less than £12k to live on, they need to take some share of household costs.

Parents who just allow an adult DC to continue living rent free (as suggested by some), with all home comforts are doing that DC no favours in terms of their future. Setting up home with someone else, there may be an expectation, especially with young men who've been treated like princes, that their girlfriend/wife/partner may continue in the same vein. Then we read posts 'DH won't do his share', or 'DCs father won't pay maintenance' etc. Our DC may be children in our eyes, but when they are adults they need to learn to behave as adults.

I don't care about the rent really. You do what suits you but my jaw is literally on the floor at your hoovering his room!!!! What. The . Fuck. Stop. He's grown up, he can drive a car so he can manage a Hoover. Stop including that as if you need to clean for him to justify the rent.
He pays his share of utilities and if you need the money then fair enough. If you're working too why are you cleaning for him?!

YANBU. anytime I was living at home (even during uni hols) and working I always paid a quarter to my mum.

Why the hell you cleaning his room and changing his bed?! Dd is the same age, she cleans her own room, changes her bed etc and also contributes to other household stuff such as hoovering, walking the dog, putting washing on etc
He's an adult, he should be pulling his weight, otherwise he's going to leave home and spend the rest of his life expecting his partner to wait on him, change his sense of entitlement now before its to late!!!
And yes, he absolutely should be paying you rent!

Charge him more! At least 10% of his income. He also needs to pay his own phone bill and do his own cleaning and ironing! He has it so easy and is being really bloody rude.

He's trying to make you feel guilty by saying that his friends don't pay rent and that they think it's terrible. They always use that line. My kids were always the only ones in their class who didn't have the latest phone, computer etc, until I spoke to other parents and found their kids didn't have them either. So ignore that comment from him.

I thnk the rent you're charging is very fair, but I wouldn't pay his phone bill. I wouldn't ask him where he's going, he's an adult and as long as he is quiet when he comes home and doesn't bring a group of noisy teenagers back it doesn't matter what time he comes back.

When I finished school i wasnt given the opportunity to go into college or university. I was told if i wanted to keep living under my mum and step dads roof I had to get a job. 4 days after I finished my GCSE'S I started full time work in a horrible factory for £150 a week after agency fees etc were taken off. This got paid into my mums bank account and from that I got £70 a week. The rest was for 'board' as we called it then. I did my own chores, and if I wasnt working late and wasnt in the house by 8:30 I was locked out as my step dad had to be up at 4am for work. I'd say most of that was pretty unreasonable. Ur son doesn't realise he is living a hotel lifestyle! I got that I had to pay because the CB stopped and I still ate food at home once a day. I got that I had to be responsible for my own washing/cleaning etc, and I was set up for leaving home and could live independently. Ur son could always evaluate how much it would cost him both in wages and housework to move out.

For contrast, when I lived at home (whether at uni or working) I never paid rent or housekeeping and my parents wouldn't have expected me to. My brother still lives at home aged 28 earning probably £35k and doesn't pay - my parents want him to be able to save for a house deposit. They are happy for him to be living in a nice house with them rather than a gritty flat share. They live in London - some of my brother's colleagues commute for 2-3 hours and they are happy that he has a short commute. They enjoy his company and it helps them to have him around, for example to look after the cat if they are away, or he will go and pick them up from the pub in his car. He pays his own expenses such as car and phone but they do his washing (honestly I can't see the sense in separate washing, when SIL lived with us for a bit after a bad break up I treated her the same way, not charging rent and doing her washing etc).
Many of my friends' parents did something similar - often they wanted to help with a house purchase and weren't in a position to provide a lump sum, so providing free accommodation was a massive help.
It's not like a housemates situation or based on income - SIL probably earns £50k but like my parents, I was happy to be able to provide her with a safe place to stay at a difficult time, glad she didn't have to go to a dodgy house share in a rush etc. And similarly to how my parents treat my brother, I appreciated a heads up if she was having friends over (not that she couldn't, I happily cooked for them and welcomed them), or if she was home late I liked to know simply to stop me worrying.

I would love to hear your parents side of the story, HollyWhisky

Your son is completely incorrect when he states he is still in full time education. An apprenticeship is a real job with real pay. That's the official line. YANBU.

@IAskTooManyQuestions. She is doing him a disservice not asking for rent. He needs to get used to budgeting for the real world: otherwise he will get used to treating all his money as disposable.

£80 does not go far with the costs of a modern family: so I’m pretty sure OP isn’t profiting from it.

I paid quite a lot in rent to my parents growing up; but it was needed. As an adult, when my mum came into money, she has always shared with us.

I paid rent to my Mum when earning less than that and still in college. I never moaned, she needed the money and I knew that for £120 a month (or whatever it was I paid her 14 years ago) I was getting a very good deal!

I then moved in with OH and paid half of all household bills, food shopping, ran a car etc on less than 12k.

I think it's important to expect rent once the 'child' is earning. Welcome to the real world!!!

my first job 11 years ago I earned £12k and I rented privately with my boyfriend.

Your son sounds so entitled.

For a start stop paying his mobile phone.

£20 a week is a pittance. on £12k I would be charging him £200 a month minimum. Cheeky sod.

An aprentiship is not seen as full time education or he would not be taking a salary and you would still receive CB

You are not helping him by doing all the chores for him.
Neither are you helping anybody he lives with in the future, whether that's a partner or housemates he needs to be doing his own chores even if that means the washing machine runs with just his stuff in it. He also needs to learn to cook, change light bulbs, clean the loo, know what the stopcock is for and the fuse box.
Think about him if he did move out and no longer had your assistance - what does he need to know - and start teaching it to him! It's a basic part of parenting.
I also agree you are not unreasonable to charge rent and that he needs to set up a standing order - paying your bills is another part of being an adult after all!
As is consideration for those you live with

Sounds a bit money grabbingTBH but if he hasnt learnt the value of money/respect at his age&offered you some'rent'😨 its a bit late&i reckon he's got you figured out!

I don't think he's paying enough. DS18 earns 16K, he pays £300 a month rent. DD16 has just declared she wishes to work next year instead of going to college. I'm a single parent working full time on minimum wage. My wages just about cover rent (modest 3 bed terrace in the SE) and I rely on UC for the bills. This will stop if DD leaves full time education. There's no way I'd force her to college, but if she chooses not to go she will have to pay her way in the world, either living with me and paying rent or moving out and supporting herself. I cannot afford to carry either of them as adults, and I don't think you do them favours by doing so.

I voted YANBU. He has to learn to budget and realistically he is getting a very good deal at £80.

I voted yabu. I think it's a really low wage

It is a low wage if you have market rent to pay, plus utilities but he doesn't. I know MN is slightly skewed on this but I bet most parents on here do not have almost £900 to spend entirely on themselves.

Plus if you read the OP she LOST £80pm in benefits due to the child being a paid apprentice.

I was charged a quarter of my earnings and we shared the housework, I also did quite a lot of the food shopping. It was a good deal for my DM! It meant I couldn’t save and move out as soon as my friends who paid nothing. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to up his rent slightly and there is no reason you should be paying his phone bill, actually he really needs to do it himself for his credit rating. However I do think he should be allowed to have a social life and enjoy his youth. Would you really want him in by 8pm every night getting under your feet?

Personally I think you should charge him a lot more as his income is going to be around £900 a month - is that right?

But also I think you need to treat him like an adult and stop policing his sleeping. You should require him to come in quietly if others in the house are asleep but it's his business what time he comes home.

My Mum always took a third of anything I earned.

So when I got my first job, aged 14, in a fish & chip shop and got paid £1.50 an hour, she took a third. A third of all babysitting money etc I thought it was fair enough.

Had been doing my own laundry and ironing and keeping my own room tidy (ish) since age 11 or 12 tho !! Your son is taking the piss.

Oh, I'm in my 30's btw, so I'm not ancient.