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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

670 replies

NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 19:38

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

  • this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
  • they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
  • I wasn't asking them to come back.
  • I thought they were here to see us.
  • my house is not a b&b.
  • my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

OP posts:
ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 08/08/2019 22:59

i think you need to tell them to suck it up and behave like adults or leave! You are being bullied in your own home! they disrespected your earlier requespets leave your children at home and are now behaving disgracefully because you dared to want your own children home at a reasonable time! You are adults, you have kindly taken them into your own home, the least they can do is treat you with respect!

Tell them you won't be treated with contempt in your own home- either they treat you with respect or they leave!

RedDogsBeg · 08/08/2019 22:59

I wouldn't ask them to leave. I'm more of the suck it up and cry in private school.

I'll attempt bright and breezy again in the morning. Hopefully it'll all blow over. I wouldn't mind being able to have a chat about what went wrong today but I doubt it'll end well with sibling around.

If I said anything with sibling present I would be verbally torn to shreds. You can't reason with someone who knows how clever they are and has an answer for everything! ... well, I can't anyway!

and therein lies your problem, NannaNoodleman you are afraid of your sibling, they know it, use it against you and treat you with contempt. They also clearly enjoy the power they wield over your parents.

You do not have to reason with them, this is your home you tell them clearly and concisely that if they are not prepared to treat you with respect they leave - no ifs, no buts, no discussion. Stop pandering to their whims and demands, they don't respect you for it nor are they grateful to you for doing it they just get a thrill out of exploiting your weakness.

Watchingthyme · 08/08/2019 23:02

Do you realise how utterly FUCKED UP
your family dynamic is

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 23:05

On re-reading, I can see my OP isn't that clear but I knew what I meant Grin

OP posts:
RedWoollyHat · 08/08/2019 23:07

My family are capable of behaving like this. We're all a bit neurotic and some are basically batshit. My dad is like a black cloud/raging bull and everyone panders around him. Can totally see a day out ending in everyone falling out with each other, followed by telly-watching silence. There's no point trying to unpick or understand it in our case as it's dysfunctional family dynamics all the way. I don't go to family gatherings any more if I can avoid it and see them individually/in pairs instead. Maybe it's just weird family dynamics OP, made 1000 x worse by being together for an extended period. I wouldn't create any additional drama and ask them to leave, as some PPs are suggesting, as it would come back and bite me for the rest of my life. I'd sleep on it and try again for peace and calm in the morning (probably as I served the ungrateful bastards cups of tea).

Watchingthyme · 08/08/2019 23:08

Your OP was odd, apologetic, annoyed, scared, confused and looking for self blame.

Much like the whole demeanour of how you are with your family.

goldfinchfan · 08/08/2019 23:09

They will bully you forever OP unless you can change.
Do not go bright and breezy or this behaviour will be on repeat.
Be polite but don't keep pretending it is ok.
i can see it is hard to stand up to them but it is your home and therefore your rules and they have no excuse for being so rude.
But they know they can get away with it.

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 23:09

Things could've been done a lot better today but the reaction is disproportionate!

I'll ride this out and then just visit for a couple of days when they're at my parent's house from now on.

They've been getting lazier and more selfish over the years. Snapping at our parents for silly little things but at the same time leaving most of the childcare up to our parents.

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 08/08/2019 23:11

Do not go down and act bright and breezy!! They are treating you like shit in your own home!! Woman up, if you act like a doormat then people will wipe their feet on you!! Get up off the ground!!

Fine I accept you may not want a big deal but a simple "I'm off to bed, there was a miscommunication today but actually you've ignored me in my own home all evening and honestly made me feel just awful. I have cooked, cleaned and hosted all week. Tomorrow I expect a new day, I expect to be spoken to, I expect a fresh start. I won't hold you to times, that wasn't what I meant today, you can come and go as you please and help yourselves to lunches from the fridge, dinners we can either go out or do our own thing. This is my holiday too and my kitchen is closed to cooking. Goodnight"

And you know what if your sibling wants to verbally tear you to shreds then a simply direct them to the door

Cocobean30 · 08/08/2019 23:11

So you’re just going to let them treat you like shit for the foreseeable?

LizB62A · 08/08/2019 23:15
  1. Tell the guests to fuck right off
  2. Tell your parents to fuck right off
  3. if your kids are too tired to go out, stand up for them and keep them at home
  4. Drink wine
  5. Tell the guests to fuck right off again.

I think that covers it all

Actually:

  1. Stop cooking for them twice a day - if they won't eat sandwiches, they can sort their own lunches at the very least
Reallybadidea · 08/08/2019 23:15

Jesus, this is horrible. How dare they treat you like that in your own home? I sympathise very much because I can well imagine a similar thing happening with my own sibling.

If they're still being like this in the morning I'd just stop providing meals etc. They can sort themselves out.

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 23:15

I know! I deal with general life, work colleagues, client, etc much better than family.

I need to ride this visit out and then have a long think about things.

OP posts:
merlotqueen · 08/08/2019 23:16

Take heed...

don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 08/08/2019 23:18

That's sensible OP - people here will demand that you stand up to them now but if you're not in the mental place to do that then your voice will carry no weight at all. I do think twats seem to know when they have pushed a victim too far - for insensitive clods they are surprisingly perceptive at times.

Durgasarrow · 08/08/2019 23:18

It's so hard being a host. Trying to guess what your guests are going to want. Feeling responsible for them. I feel for you, OP. Be gentle with yourself. XO

TatianaLarina · 08/08/2019 23:18

Turf them out OP.

Watchingthyme · 08/08/2019 23:19

Families are fucking hard.

And not everyone is lucky they can speak honestly and openly.

I would just slightly start to step back from this dynamic. It’s not good and not healthy for you. A big argument is not the way. But for virtually everyone (once you had been clearer) you’re being walked all over in not a very nice way.

sawyersfishbiscuits · 08/08/2019 23:21

Oh OP, I've just read the whole post. I'm so sorry your brother (and wife?) are such arses!
WineCakeThanks for you. I hope your two DCs sleep like cherubs tonight and that your brother steps in dog poop or something similar tomorrow!

YANBU... you sound like you've been working your derrière off all week. When they go make sure you get a break if you can xx

Speakercube · 08/08/2019 23:25

Sounds like you're the scapegoat in the family? Ride it out this time like u said OP but maybe not do so much running around after. Ask the sibling to help you like ' I'll do the potatoes if you can do the salad etc sort of thing. I'd do a cold buffet lunch instead of sandwiches. It's Yr holiday too. Can't you visit them where they live next year as Yr dcs will be a bit older? Siblings can be shit sometimes.

Speakercube · 08/08/2019 23:26

Oops those last 2 sentences didn't sit well next to each other....

Cheby · 08/08/2019 23:27

I’m completely in support of you OP, but you are being a bit of a wet lettuce. They will treat you like this forever if you don’t stand up for yourself. Do you want your kids to see you being walked over like this?

Kick the fuckers out.

scatteredglitter · 08/08/2019 23:28

I'm with you Op. my kids fall apart when they have too many late nights and my family are similar to yours, different ways of parenting and dismissive and cleverly argumentative around anyone who dares to do anything different. Don't have any solution for you but WineWineBrewBrewhang in there, don't let them over step your parenting wit your own kids x

Aurignacian · 08/08/2019 23:29

You poor thing! That sounds like an absolute nightmare. You’ve not done anything wrong and have in fact been a fabulous host. Drink several glasses of wine and tell them to fuck off!! Okay that might not be the best idea but it’s definitely what they deserve

Spotsandstars · 08/08/2019 23:34

I'm angry for you. Please ask them all to leave. Yes parents too. It's disgusting behaviour. Would u put up with this if it was a friend? Your parents are in the wrong, everyone knows preschoolers need their sleep. Mine are the same as yours (age 5 and 3) bed by 6.30 and sleep for 12 hours they cannot cope with late nights. It made me laugh when someone upthread said let them go to bed late they can lie in! Er no, mine wake up earlier when that happens it's vile.