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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really grabby- bordering on cheekyfuckery?

272 replies

FurCoatNoSnickers · 08/08/2019 12:01

Ds is at a newish school - he was so happy to have been invited to a karting birthday party - turns out the whole class were invited - details were - the date- the activity-transport provided (it’s a 80 mile round trip) and a request of Amazon vouchers for present. In the last few weeks since they broke up I’ve been updated with further texts from the mother of birthday boy asking for deposits for the karting (£20) and the remainder on the day (£30) THEN that was followed up by a request for £20 for the transport Hmm

This morning she (in my opinion) has the gall to request we pack a generous picnic with ice packs and pack extra so the birthday boy doesn’t have to bring anything

I was going to decline following the minibus request but ds was so happy to be invited - I think this is the final straw and I’ll instead take ds and a friend karting myself at this rate

DH says I should like it or lump it and if everyone else seems to be going then it would be a shame for ds to miss out

OP posts:
SirGawain · 09/08/2019 21:48

I hate unexpected random costs and extra add ons, but you know deep down that on this occasion you are going to have to suck it up and just thank God you can afford it.

Suck it up? What I would tell her to do isn't repeatable, even on Mumsnet.

Insanelysilver · 09/08/2019 21:54

That’s a real piss take! I thought it was bad enough when my dd was at secondary school when a lot of the birthday party invites were for meals in restaurants, sometimes with an activity like bowling beforehand. The first time it happened, I was shocked to be asked for the cost of the meal and activity! But it happened regularly. It would work out so expensive and then you’d be expected to buy a gift too!! Personslly I’d never dream of holding a party if I couldn’t afford to pay for the guests it’s not very classy. . I’d do a sleepover or something at home and provide everything without scrounging money for my own kids party!

WorriedMamabear2000 · 09/08/2019 22:54

Any of the parents agreeing to this are total idiots. Even if they're absolutely minted, it's the principle, it's just so rude and entitled. The whole class will not turn up. They never do. It's usually about a third that do..and that's when it's free. What a joke.

Hooleydooleymum · 09/08/2019 23:25

Dealing with mumzillas is tough. Try check with other mums if all are charged. I would be driving son and friend to karting myself and paying entry fees. Use excuse you have something in the area

MissEliza · 09/08/2019 23:30

The whole class were invited? But if they're 14, they're in year 9 and be in all different classes.

bookmum08 · 09/08/2019 23:40

That's more money I would spend on my own child's birthday presents.

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 10/08/2019 00:21

Give your son the £70 and take him karting or whatever with his friend.

HeadintheiClouds · 10/08/2019 00:25

How would the whole class be in different classes, MissEliza?

HesMyLobster · 10/08/2019 00:43

In year 9 most kids will be in a different class for each subject, so no actual "class" to invite.
You'd have to invite the whole cohort of 300+
Some might be in a form but probably just for registration so only with them for a few minutes a day.
(My own dc had vertical forms at secondary school, each form was made up of yrs 7-13 - so a "class party" would be even more odd)

fargo123 · 10/08/2019 01:10

FelixFelicis6
fluffiny31

Hmm The OP updates that this CF has unsurprisingly got form for this sort of thing and no one is curious as to why unless they're a journalist? Don't be so ridiculous. Biscuit

Just in case it's not clear enough - no, I'm not a journalist.

whostoletheeyeoutyourteddybear · 10/08/2019 09:04

I'd just not go. Also remind her normal birthday parties are hosted by the party family. Oh and a wee 'what the actual fuck you planning to do with the almost 3 grand from other parents'

VenusTiger · 10/08/2019 09:42

Wtf! All of this information should have been worded on the initial invitation! You can’t get people to agree to something and then surprise them weeks later by asking for £70! Yes she is a CF.
Text her back saying, wish you’d known about the costs of her son’s birthday party before you’d agreed to come!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 10/08/2019 10:18

It's a total cheek but if it would make things easier for DS to settle in to a new school, and if you can afford it then I would just do it, to me his friendships and bonding with classmates would be first priority, if that is not a problem then he's old enough to just say you can't afford it.

Fallingrain · 10/08/2019 11:10

Gosh. I think birthday child’s parents would always pay for kids to attend a party wouldn’t they? To my mind you cut your cloth according to what you can afford. So if you can’t afford a karting party for 30 kids, you tell your child to choose a friend or two and just take them.

Is this a pricey private school or something? £70 quid plus is an awful lot up expect parents to cough up. ESP in a drip feed way.

TheFatberg · 10/08/2019 12:04

People - the OP said her son isn't going. Repeatedly. They've made other plans.

Petlover9 · 10/08/2019 12:49

I agree with LenoVentura - arrange something yourself for a few of you ds’s friends. This mother is VERY cheeky. She wants the event with everyone else paying - especially a nerve to ask for Amazon Vouchers, next she will want a management fee!! Stay away and treat your ds to something else

Maz54 · 10/08/2019 12:54

I cannot believe what goes on regarding kids parties these days it's just crazy and would make me feel so under pressure by these competitive mothers. Mine went to private school some 20 odd years ago now and this was tried by some parents but we nipped it in the bud. Many of us were going without our holidays etc. in order to afford school fees and I would not let myself be intimidated. I feel sorry for all you Mums and Dads that are going through this. You bet I think she's a cheeky whatever. If you do give in this time unfortunately I think it may set a precedent and make others feel that this is some sort of competition to see who can con the most out of everyone whilst sending them on a guilt trip if they don't accept.

gymraes · 10/08/2019 14:36

Am appalled. My DD asked if we'd take 3 of her classmates out for her 13th. We suggested a 'Birthday Breakfast' before the hour train journey then bus ride to a theme park. Mothers objected as was 'far too early' for the 'mates' (hah!) to get up. We agreed to leave later if they brought a packed lunch. One particularly obnoxious girl totally overtook any conversation, ignoring my quiet, timid DD (who spent the time in silence looking out of the train window). On arrival (theme park), we allowed them to go their own way & meet us later for (packed/picnic) lunch. When that time came, one didn't have a packed lunch, another (obnoxious one) had eaten hers on the train. So, on top of paying for transport, entry fees etc, we had to buy food & drinks FOR THEM. At the time my husband was unemployed & I had a part-time job. With a family of six, money was tight. DD chose this to be her birthday 'present' (knowing we couldn't afford an extra 'gift'). Although in the same year, DD was between nine and 11months younger than them and when it was their 13th (months before, obv) they'd all asked for a specified amount of cash (which we gave) because they each wanted a (same) piece of jewellery. These so-called friends didnt even give DD a card - let alone a gift (or money to buy the same piece of jewellery they had). Was years ago now but I still seethe and still feel bad for DD's first 'teenage' birthday totally spoiled. The amount we spent could've been spent on her alone on something wonderful/memorable. I never heard a word about her non-existent gifts/cash from the other mother's.

HeronLanyon · 10/08/2019 14:50

This is madness. I would understand if a parent contacted parents to gauge reactions to a planned birthday event (but never expect others to bring food for the birthday boy). At those kind of costs I’d plan (and offer upfront when checking what people thought) to provide picnic myself for all the children. Would not contemplate doing something this expensive for so many though. Smaller group where parents likely ability to suck it up - maybe - if checked first.

SirGawain · 10/08/2019 15:50

@mrsm43s- nope should be slightly less with plan-ahead tickets and passes already owned
Cost more or not, it won't be going into Grabby Mum's bank account!

gymraes · 10/08/2019 16:10

FurCoatNoSnickers-just remembered-were FOUR other 'friends' not three so five x (well, seven counting DH & me) expense, obv. Also, extra 'non' gift or birthday card but extra expense for us as 'requested amount' of cash on their birthdays. A month after DD's birthday, some were now almost a year older (ok, 11 months but makes a HUGE difference at that age) and she was 'cut off' (can't think of better word). I know this rejection affected her (& consequently school work/life) badly especially as the only 'friend' she went to this high school with had been her 'bestie' since nursery and DD was now way down on the pecking order, 'dropped' in favour of 'obnoxious' one whose folk were obviously wealthy (large house/tennis court/swimming pool) & had arranged a stretched limo (vulgar or is that just me?) for HER (obnoxious one's) birthday. What I am trying to say is: Let your DS know that true friends will stick by you (and/or you will make more, meet more genuine ones) than those who have been (badly) influenced by their material parents and peers. You'll all have a great 'alternative' day and WELL DONE to you.

Realjournal123 · 10/08/2019 17:24

If you accept then you're teaching your boy to be a mug. They sound like one of those horrid families that think everyone should be honoured to attend whilst they rip the shit out of you. I'd tell my kids defo no as they're taking the piss and I'd take him myself with a couple of his friends for free. Show him how it's meant to be done.

Surfingtheweb · 10/08/2019 17:36

At 14 I'd be telling my child exactly how it is & that we don't critique that type of thing but also don't partake. I've been a mum for 20+ years and never heard anything like it, so no shame on you, this is very bad form!!

Dragonsmother · 10/08/2019 18:34

Ok, she is totally taking the p*ss and taking you for a ride (pardon the pun)

I just did the sums-
£50 go karting x 30 kids = £1500
£20 minibus x 30 kids = £600

Go karting is around £30 a head.
Could she not ask some of the parents to drive?

This sounds more like she has organised a day trip for the kids for without asking any of you. I feel quiet sad as she has manipulated the kids by Inviting them to a party and asking them to pay.

She is being totally unreasonable. If the cost wasn’t mentioned from the outset- with the invitation then she shouldn’t be asking for it.

Maybe see what your DS thinks and what he wants to do.

Jamiefraserskilt · 11/08/2019 04:10

I can't get over the request for Amazon vouchers for his non birthday....
Sacrificing my arse. They should be able to afford a nice holiday on the profit.