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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for dreading holiday with creepy FIL

106 replies

MummyToBe89 · 07/08/2019 12:49

We have a holiday coming up with my DP's family and I can't stop feeling so anxious about it as my FIL really creeps me out and the thought of being in my bikini/costume or even just spending a long period of time with him is making me feel so
uncomfortable.

I have naturally large boobs and he constantly stares at them. He always wants to hug me and rubs his hands all over my back and makes comments that he thinks excuses him rubbing his hands on me such as "oooh you're lovely and warm" as if he's trying to just get warm and not have his hands all over me.

I once also caught him filming me on his phone when I was sat watching TV. When I asked what he was doing he started laughing and said he was joking and was waiting for me to realise.

My in laws live a plane journey away so we don't see them very often (4/5 times a year) so I'm not very close to him and don't know how to approach the situation. He's also my DP Stepdad, not real father, so they're not as close as a child/father would be and be able to talk about awkward situations.

How would you approach the situation? I'm thinking of asking DP to speak to her family as a whole and say I'm not really a huggy person, that way FIL won't know it's just aimed at him, but I don't know what I'm going to do about this holiday. The thought of being partially dressed is making my skin crawl.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 07/08/2019 12:54

gross, what does your DP think about it? You probably should have said no to the holiday originally

ssd · 07/08/2019 12:57

Have a quiet word in his ear, away from the rest of the family.
And don't be nice about it.

Hotchox · 07/08/2019 13:01

Not a lot of help I know, but frankly, on a sunny holiday I am usually way too hot to be hugged anyway, and would refuse it for that reason without feeling bad.

Durgasarrow · 07/08/2019 13:02

You are 100 percent right about defending your boundaries. Get your husband on board before you go or don't go. Insist on no touching. If he films you, shame him. Don't let him touch you. Don't let him do that "ooh that's lovely and warm" shit. Everybody is lovely and warm. Tell him to hug your husband. He's lovely and warm. Don't let him embarrass you about your breasts. Breasts are normal. Your body is a normal body. His excuse is going to be that your body tempts him to behave abnormally. But there's nothing wrong with you. You are a normal human in a normal body. His behavior is abnormal and he needs to control it.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 07/08/2019 13:04

You need to be upfront - as in - ""Dont do that, I dont like it, dont touch me""

Dont make your DH do it, you arent his property, you take ownership and deal with it.

TBH, I simply could not get my kit off in front of my inlaws, I know others will disagree, regardless of whether they were pervy or not. It just doesnt sit right with me.

rookiemere · 07/08/2019 13:05

Well I'd shout out loudly if he comes near " No hugging please too close" if he comments on your body " I'd rather you didn't discuss my figure " on the filming " What are you doing . Please stop it now. Do not film me without my permission "

Basically call him out any and every time he does something even vaguely inappropriate. Hopefully if he's just a minor level pondlife then this will put him off. If not at least you have good reason not to visit again.

Herocomplex · 07/08/2019 13:09

The OP says ‘speak to her family’, I’m thinking it’s a same-sex couple?
OP it’s not acceptable to have to put a man’s feeling before your own, you need to speak to him, dodge out of his way, and make it clear you don’t want to be touched. He’s playing on your politeness to get his jollies, he’s controlling you.
Horrible situation.

Pillowcased · 07/08/2019 13:10

You need to be upfront - as in - ""Don't do that, I don't like it, don't touch me""

Don't make your DH do it, you aren't his property, you take ownership and deal with it.

This. Stop feeling apologetic or anxious and get angry with this, the same way you would with any other man violating your bodily boundaries and touching you or looking at you in ways you don't like. Be very direct, and pull him up on it each and every time.

Also, the OP says 'DP' and 'her' so I'm assuming they're a female couple? Which may of course be fuelling this creep's fantasy life.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 07/08/2019 13:12

He is gross and disgusting, but you need to start standing up for yourself! Use your voice. Make noise. Put the embarrassment and awkwardness back where it belongs. On him.

Have you even been open with your DP about this? Cancel the holiday. Or let her go alone. You don't need that shit. And the next time he comes at you, say loudly "I'd rather you didn't hug me, thanks". Call him out, loudly, every time. Don't let him make you complicit.

Drum2018 · 07/08/2019 13:12

Why on earth are you going away with someone who makes you feel so uncomfortable? Stay out of their way while there, head off and do your own thing with Dp.

weaningwoes · 07/08/2019 13:13

Have you spoken about it with your DP? What does she think of his behaviour? Is he similar towards her? Definitely a conversation worth having.

Shoxfordian · 07/08/2019 13:13

Keep your boundaries
Move away from him
Say don't touch me, and don't be worried about offending him.
Don't agree to any more holidays. Have you spoken to your dp about it? Why did you even agree this time? Work on your assertiveness

HollowTalk · 07/08/2019 13:13

Why would you put yourself in this situation? And what's he like with your partner?

mussolini9 · 07/08/2019 13:15

I'm thinking of asking DP to speak to her family as a whole and say I'm not really a huggy person, that way FIL won't know it's just aimed at him

There is a much quicker & easier way for you to avoid the stress of being perved on by your FiL. Don't ask your DP to do it for you - that is just playing into the narrative that you are an object or a possession. You need FiL to completely re-evaluate his ikky behaviour around you, & getting a 3rd party to intervene on your behalf just informs FiL that you are unable or unwilling to maintain your own boundaries on your own behalf.

Next time he touches you just say: "I dont feel like a hug right now", disengage from his pervy clutches, & WALK AWAY.
Do it EVERY time.
When he pushes back - (& I bet he 'insists' or says 'aaaw come on it's only a little hug' or implies that you owe him any physical contact whatsoever) - you have to stick to your guns & just calmly repeat "no thanks, I don't want a hug".

Next time he stares at your chest, call him out. Refuse to accept excuses/jokes/minimisation. "FiL, you are making me uncomfortable & I want you to stop it".

Also - please forget ALL ABOUT that way FIL won't know it's just aimed at him.
It IS aimed at him. This is your body, not his, & he has no rights to it.

Changing what we accept from other people is always difficult at first & may well make you feel uncomfortable. But it can't be as uncomfortable as living with the dread of the next grope, stare, or even FFS - secret, non-consensual filming of you.

weaningwoes · 07/08/2019 13:16

In terms of what you can do, obviously spend as little time with them as possible. When and if you do have to be together, assert your boundaries every. Single. Time. "I'm really not a huggy person, please don't hug me any more". "Do I have something on my top? No? Well then my face is up here." "If you want to rub somebody, go and ask your wife."

Your DP's mum must be utterly mortified by him.

ohnoessexgirl · 07/08/2019 13:17

He sounds like a creep. Does your DP know about this? If not, he really needs to. You're in a horrible situation and I really feel for you. I'd be talking to FIL and not politely. Arsehole.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 07/08/2019 13:18

He is taking advantage of the fact that you (naturally) feel some sort of obligation not to rock the boat because he's family, and he is ostensibly just being "friendly". I'd agree with the suggestions from others that you have to stop letting him hide behind that. I wouldn't go straight to loud rebuffs in front of everyone. I think a letting him know how you feel one-to-one is the starting point, and no need to be nice about it. If he doesn't stop the behaviour then you'd have to be more forthright. But you definitely don't have to put up with this for the sake of family harmony.

PeoniesarePink · 07/08/2019 13:22

Why on earth are you going?

If he makes you that uncomfortable, more fool you for agreeing to it.

If you don't respect your boundaries, how is he supposed to?

Thehop · 07/08/2019 13:24

Honestly? Cancel.

TixieLix · 07/08/2019 13:28

Get a t-shirt like this

Sunandrainallconfusedhere · 07/08/2019 13:31

Offer to put his suncream on.
Write :
I am a perv
And await the rays....

InvernessAdventure · 07/08/2019 13:33

4 or 5 times a year seems quite a lot to be visiting someone who's a plane ride away tbh. It must take up a lot of your time off.

I think you need to be more assertive. Say no to the unwanted touching, but no need to make a drama about it. Just be matter of fact: 'Sorry, I hate being touched/hugged/whatever and you never ask.' And to filming: 'That's quite an invasion of privacy actually, can you delete that, please.' And if he stares at your boobs: 'What? What is it? You're staring at my chest. Have I got food down myself or something? No? Well, stop it then. You're being weird.'

It sounds a bit dismal. I'd be tempted to have a work crisis or sudden illness tbh, but perhaps that would massively reduce the amount of downtime you can enjoy with your DP.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2019 13:34

I'm thinking of asking DP to speak to her family as a whole and say I'm not really a huggy person, that way FIL won't know it's just aimed at him

Sorry, but he needs to know this is aimed DIRECTLY at him, and him only!

Ask your DP to tell him to stop staring at your tits. Be direct! Tell him yourself if he keeps doing it. Embarrass the sleezy git. Stand up for yourself.

LilQueenie · 07/08/2019 13:34

Is your partner aware of this? I would cancel or be prepared to tell him firmly to F off.

newmomof1 · 07/08/2019 13:37

I think the conversation needs to be had before you go away so as not to ruin the holiday for anyone else.

Is your MIL aware? Ask DP to speak to her.
Is he like this with DP?

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