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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for dreading holiday with creepy FIL

106 replies

MummyToBe89 · 07/08/2019 12:49

We have a holiday coming up with my DP's family and I can't stop feeling so anxious about it as my FIL really creeps me out and the thought of being in my bikini/costume or even just spending a long period of time with him is making me feel so
uncomfortable.

I have naturally large boobs and he constantly stares at them. He always wants to hug me and rubs his hands all over my back and makes comments that he thinks excuses him rubbing his hands on me such as "oooh you're lovely and warm" as if he's trying to just get warm and not have his hands all over me.

I once also caught him filming me on his phone when I was sat watching TV. When I asked what he was doing he started laughing and said he was joking and was waiting for me to realise.

My in laws live a plane journey away so we don't see them very often (4/5 times a year) so I'm not very close to him and don't know how to approach the situation. He's also my DP Stepdad, not real father, so they're not as close as a child/father would be and be able to talk about awkward situations.

How would you approach the situation? I'm thinking of asking DP to speak to her family as a whole and say I'm not really a huggy person, that way FIL won't know it's just aimed at him, but I don't know what I'm going to do about this holiday. The thought of being partially dressed is making my skin crawl.

OP posts:
MoseShrute · 07/08/2019 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MummyToBe89 · 07/08/2019 15:59

@MrsTerryPratchett - No my partner left her town and moved to where we live about 15 years ago when she was 23, so no grooming. She's never been living at home since her mum has been with him.

She agrees he's so creepy but doesn't think it's as bad as I do as he's not as bad with her and doesn't see the quick glances at my chest etc. I made a comment to my SIL about it but was almost made to feel like I was being big headed for saying it.Her reply was a long the lines of "Yeah he's a bit weird but he's harmless".

He's a bit of a geek and socially awkward so every time he does things like hugging me for a bit too long that's why they let him get away with it....but why would that excuse him looking at my chest?

I have put my foot down about the visits, I've said they are never to stay again as it's too small and causes relationship problems between me and DP.

In reply to a PP, yes it's a serious relationship, we're married. I said DP because I thought DW would be too outing, but then messed up anyway by saying "her family".

I know if I put my foot down and said I wasn't going DP would be so upset and she wouldn't say boo to a goose when it comes to her family, so I'd be putting her in a really awkward situation.

OP posts:
jobobpip08 · 07/08/2019 15:59

Buy him these. Then can you say FIL you don't need to look at/touch mine anymore, you have your own!

(rubber strap on boobs, if you don't want to click on the link and have them in your 'personalised ads' for the next few weeks )

www.amazon.co.uk/Bristol-Novelty-SG034-Rubber-Unisex-Adult/dp/B00425YTTM/ref=sr_1_6?s=gateway&keywords=fancy+dress+boobs&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1565189681&sr=8-6

Original poster
MummyToBe89 · 07/08/2019 16:01

Should probably change that to my DP thinks he's "weird" but I wouldn't go as far as saying she thinks he's creepy. She just says he's socially awkward.

OP posts:
CmdrCressidaDuck · 07/08/2019 16:02

You aren't putting her in an awkward situation. Her gross stepdad has been putting YOU in a terribly awkward situation, and she's been putting you in an awkward situation too by guilting you to keep quiet. The guilt and awkwardness isn't yours, so don't pick it up and agree to carry it.

You know perfectly well what's happening, but he and his family will never admit it so don't expect that. We've got your back here. You are not crazy or bigheaded. He is gross and you won't be putting up with it any more.

Isatis · 07/08/2019 16:04

unfortunately it's mostly them visiting us and imposing themselves upon us. We live in a one bedroom apartment and they refuse to get a hotel and sleep on our floor! I hate it as I spend the whole time feeling uncomfortable in my own home. That's actually where we were when I caught him "filming me".

What does your partner think about this? Surely it would be an uncomfortable arrangement even if you were on the best of terms with your in-laws? Even if she wants to go along with it, you can reasonably point out to her that, no matter how much she wants to see her family, it's completely out of order to expect you to put up with this creep at such close quarters. Can you say that, if they visit in future, they're going to have to go to a hotel or an Air BnB?

Isatis · 07/08/2019 16:05

Sorry, cross-posted, I see you've already said no to more visits. Great step forward.

MoseShrute · 07/08/2019 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coronapop · 07/08/2019 16:09

Get the T shirt above. Tell him firmly that you don't like being touched or hugged, and have a hat pin secured about your person to convince him if he 'forgets'.

angell84 · 07/08/2019 16:20

It is sooo hard to tell someone you don't want to be touched though. I don't know why. I was volunteering somewhere and one of the older men - everytime he came over to talk to me he would pat me on the back - not once but constantly throughout the whole conversation. He would do it to all the other women as well and constantly hold their arms. I didn't like it and I told him to stop doing it, but it was so so awkward and it was really awkward afterwards with him too. How do you have that conversation well? I still haven't mastered it.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/08/2019 16:21

Being socially awkward doesn't prevent him from being a massive perv.

From what you've written, this is a man who ogles, touches and films you to fuel his 'lesbian sex romp' fantasies. It's not as if it's an uncommon male fantasy. Sorry, but yuck.

If you must go, I suppose keep covered up as much as possible and go off on a lot of 'just us' day trips, or quiet walks, with DW.

angell84 · 07/08/2019 16:22

I have to say I wouldn't go. Let her go by herself and you go on a different holiday with her

lottiegarbanzo · 07/08/2019 16:23

...and back away abrubtly, and say 'no' and 'I'd rather you didn't do that', firmly, with eye contact.

katewhinesalot · 07/08/2019 16:36

I wouldn't make a huge fuss over it but I wouldn't mind who my audience would be when -

As he's coming in for a hug, hand straight in front of you. "No way Fil, it's far too hot/I'm not up for - your over long hugs." If that still doesn't get through to him then be even more direct.

"Why do you keep looking at my chest/body? It's making me feel really uncomfortable."

In advance and repeated every time he has a phone or camera "keep that camera pointed away from me. I don't want a repeat of last time where you were filming me and I didn't know about it."

And yes I'd wear the loosest, coolest bit's of clothing I could over your bikini and if urged to sunbathe in the bikini by anyone then "Nope, I can feel fils eyes on me whenever I'm exposed and I don't like it."

I wouldn't be embarrassed about bringing it out in the open but I'd say everything in an offhand way as if you aren't bothered. Then continue the conversation in a matter of fact way.
I'd repeat continuously at every opportunity until it stops.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 07/08/2019 16:37

I didn't like it and I told him to stop doing it, but it was so so awkward and it was really awkward afterwards with him too. How do you have that conversation well? I still haven't mastered it.

It depends on the circumstances a bit, angel. Someone who is well-meaning but just has a morw touchy-feely style than you'd like, the key is to be friendly but firm and then move on. "Actually I don't really like to be touched at work [big smile, move away], so how are you? Can I help you with anything?"

Someone who is creeping on you, it's gonna be awkward, but you don't have to take responsibility for it or for smoothing or over. The other person is the one who's done something embarrassing and inappropriate.

MollyButton · 07/08/2019 19:57

Your partner and her whole family have been groomed - it doesn't matter that she left home 15 years ago. Most probably by this man but if not then they had already been groomed by another Pervert.
Grooming doesn't just happen to children, in fact with children it often happens first to their parents. (Even in Lolita it is the Mother who is first groomed.)
Grooming happens by pushing at boundaries and breaking them. They start with simple one - maybe making you stay out longer than you intended, or pushing to be introduced to children more quickly than intended, or even turning up on the doorstep with a "surprise gift" when the rest of the family are there.
And by insisting that you don't see MIL unless FIL is there - your DP has accepted another boundary breached.

And don't say it is a generational or cultural thing - even my FIL who was pretty set in his ways, quickly too on board that one of my DC didn't like too much physical contact - so shook her hand instead of kissing her on the cheek.

Batqueen · 08/08/2019 13:01

This may sound odd, but can you demonstrate to your dw what he does when he hugs you etc? When people are watching they can’t always tell how creepy/pervy it is.

I had a housemate like this who would have massive arguments with us all and then give us ‘makeup hugs’. My best friend couldn’t see why I hated this so much until I demonstrated to her how he hugged me and she freaked and understood. Another housemate then asked her ‘bat seems to really hate creephousemate doesn’t she?’ And bf passed on the demo to her as well so they all got in the end!

Branleuse · 08/08/2019 13:30

Another option is going, but warn your DW that if her creepy stepdad does anything that makes you feel uncomfortable again, you WILL be calling him out on it loudly

LovePoppy · 08/08/2019 21:46

You and DP need therapy to discuss why on earth they are ok with you being fetishized like this.

Sounds to me like FIL has it in his head that he’ll get to watch all his lesbian fantasies play out.

Be the drama, own it. If DPs family causes a scene, that’s on them.

LovePoppy · 08/08/2019 21:49

The fact that FIL “isn’t as bad with her” is disgusting. Surely you see that?

user1471449295 · 08/08/2019 21:51

I think it makes it easier that his is not DPs father. I’d tell DP, her him to have a word or say something if fil is caught

Butterymuffin · 08/08/2019 21:59

Why is it ok for her to put you in an awkward position (to put it mildly) but not ok for you to do so to her? Say you've spent X years 'making an effort' Hmm, and all it's meant is that you keep being harassed and everyone else tells you you just have to put up with it. You don't. Tell her she's free to go away with the sleazebag but you have put up with enough already and won't be doing it ever again. Draw a firm line.

Original poster
MummyToBe89 · 09/08/2019 15:46

thank you all for your messages.

I'm just trying to keep the peace at the minute as she's 8 months pregnant with our first child after having a previous MC. I just don't want to cause her any stress.

She wants us to go with the baby and spend time with her family and the baby as we don't get to see them much (which I understand). I also don't want her going without me with the baby as I'll miss him. I know he's not born yet but I know I won't want to spend a week away from him and miss his first holiday.

I'm going to suck it up this time and go, then be able to use this holiday to prove I do make an effort and not go anymore.

Sorry for drip feeding about the baby etc, I was scared of it being outing, but if she reads this I think it'll be pretty obvious it's me!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2019 16:51

Just remember that there is no law that says you have to keep your mouth shut. If he touches you, say loudly "Please don't do that!".

Whosorrynow · 09/08/2019 16:55

nut him, stamp on his feet and knee him in the nadgers :)

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