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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for dreading holiday with creepy FIL

106 replies

MummyToBe89 · 07/08/2019 12:49

We have a holiday coming up with my DP's family and I can't stop feeling so anxious about it as my FIL really creeps me out and the thought of being in my bikini/costume or even just spending a long period of time with him is making me feel so
uncomfortable.

I have naturally large boobs and he constantly stares at them. He always wants to hug me and rubs his hands all over my back and makes comments that he thinks excuses him rubbing his hands on me such as "oooh you're lovely and warm" as if he's trying to just get warm and not have his hands all over me.

I once also caught him filming me on his phone when I was sat watching TV. When I asked what he was doing he started laughing and said he was joking and was waiting for me to realise.

My in laws live a plane journey away so we don't see them very often (4/5 times a year) so I'm not very close to him and don't know how to approach the situation. He's also my DP Stepdad, not real father, so they're not as close as a child/father would be and be able to talk about awkward situations.

How would you approach the situation? I'm thinking of asking DP to speak to her family as a whole and say I'm not really a huggy person, that way FIL won't know it's just aimed at him, but I don't know what I'm going to do about this holiday. The thought of being partially dressed is making my skin crawl.

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 07/08/2019 14:27

I just wouldn't go, he is not your family anyway.I'd say to my partner she has to go by herself. At the end of the day hes nothing to you so why let yourself get perved over?

StaplesCorner · 07/08/2019 14:29

Can't really go on though can it OP? How many more years are you going to put up with this? Is it a long term relationship? Are you thinking of having any DCs and would he do this to a DD if you had one?

You don't really have any choice, but you can make light of it initially by saying firmly "stop it, I don't want you to do that I am not joking" - if that goes down badly with your DP, then you will know where you stand. Ultimately, your DP can see her mum any time she wants, but she doesn't get to force you to go along and see the creepy fucker too.

Chakano · 07/08/2019 14:31

Just tell him straight he's not even your fil.
In public everytime.

Howlovely · 07/08/2019 14:34

So your partner expects you to put up with being groped and filmed by this old perv (so basically being sexually assaulted) to make her feel that you are making an effort with her family? And you're agraid of upsetting them?! Just think through what she is demanding of you and decide if you really want to be with someone like that. I absolutely couldn't be.

justilou1 · 07/08/2019 14:34

“Touch me or film me or make me even slightly uncomfortable with your sleazy comments and I will introduce your testicles to the cheese grater.”

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2019 14:35

I am disgusted by your partner, and you should be, too. She thinks it's perfectly fine for you to be sexually harassed by your FIL, and that YOU are the one who needs to "make an effort?" That is unbelievable. I wouldn't be going at all and I would also be seriously having a rethink about your relationship. Ask her to imagine the reverse; You demanding she tolerate abusive behaviour to appease you and your family.

LuckyLou7 · 07/08/2019 14:38

Ugh what a creep. Your partner should be standing up for you, not standing by and letting this happen. Tell him firmly to keep his hands to himself - quietly and when you are alone with him if you don't want to create a scene. Personally, I'd shout it from the rooftops. I bet you're not the only woman he has molested.

toomuchtooold · 07/08/2019 14:39

Read all of Captain Awkward but maybe this one in particular. Then, refuse to go on the holiday. If anyone asks you why you're not going, tell them what you told us (your FIL stares at your boobs, touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable and has filmed you without your permission). When your DP complains that you're not helping her to maintain her relationship with her mother, ask her whether she thinks you're more to blame for this situation than your FIL who looks at you and touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable or your MIL who apparently won't make herself available for her daughter without bringing FIL.

People get so used to making excuses for arseholes, they make a lifetime's study of it, that they end up blaming the reasonable people like you for not "pulling their weight" in enabling the arsehole. My DH's family are like this with FIL. What I learned is that they put people into two groups - people to be managed (arseholes) and people who do the managing (enablers). You won't change a lifetime of conditioning and get them to see that the arseholes are the problem, so your best bet is to let it be awkward, let them see you as one of the people who needs to be managed.

oakleaffy · 07/08/2019 14:39

It is appalling that we should have to consider the others who make us feel uncomfortable.
How many woman [or, heaven forfend, when we were children] had to endure hideous too-close hugs, kisses and being photographed?..yet we still tried not to ''hurt the feelings'' of the perpetrators.
Full on body hugs are not on.
I'd definitely tell your partner about how uncomfortable it makes you feel.
You should not have to put up with anything that makes you feel like your personal space is being invaded.
These creeps know full well that their 'victims' are often too embarrassed to make a 'scene '...but say on no uncertain terms ''No hugging'' if he tries it on.

katewhinesalot · 07/08/2019 14:39

Yes, you have to get over the embarrassment of pulling him up. It'll be hard at first but it shouldn't take long for him to get the message if you are consistent. It should be his embarrassment, not yours.

dinkystinky · 07/08/2019 14:48

That's appalling OP - I'd bow out of the holiday and refuse to go. You've made an effort but a creep is a creep and as no one will call him out on it, the only choice you have is to avoid the creep entirely.

Or if you do go, the very first time he stares at you call him out on it - point out its rude and disrespectful. If he tries to touch you, twist his wrists and point out he should be touching his wife to get warm, not you, And if he tries to film you, point out its an invasion of privacy and ask for the phone to delete the video there and then.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 07/08/2019 14:50

Just to be clear, OP, you putting up with this or nicey-niceing it is NOT AN OPTION. You are too good for that and deserve far, far better.

Your options are:

  1. break up with DP. (A last resort, I'm sure, but again you tolerating this is Not Gonna Happen.)
  2. stop seeing him and don't go on the holiday.
  3. make a big noise and fuss everytime he sleazes on you. Before you say, "But I caaaaaan't", I have taught myself, painstakingly, to stand up for myself like this. You can. The first time you do you will feel terrified and sick, I won't lie. But it will work, and you will feel so good for sticking up for yourself.

Practise in the mirror or with a friend if you have to. All you have to do is call out what he is doing and not back down. "Don't touch me, please." If he keeps coming, you back away and raise your voice. "I said DONT TOUCH ME." He will try to laugh it off. Lock eyes with him and tell him you know exactly what he was doing. Let someone else smooth over the awkwardness.

"Stop filming me right now and delete that. It is so invasive."

"Stop looking at my breasts. It's disgusting and inappropriate."

You can do this.

angell84 · 07/08/2019 14:55

Why are you going on holiday with him? If you do not want to do something you do not have to.
Say no to holidays with them! Why did you agree to go?

angell84 · 07/08/2019 14:59

Oh I read the part where your DP has pushed you into it. You need to stand up to your DP.
She wants to see her mum - you do not have to. Say that you will not be groped and filmed and that you are very uncomfortable and she needs to help you!

Sexnotgender · 07/08/2019 15:08

I’d be calling out his fucking creepy perving LOUDLY every time he does it.

This is so not acceptable and the old shit gets away with it because no one says anything.

WeatherSchmeather · 07/08/2019 15:09

Life is way too short, OP. Don’t go. Take yourself off somewhere nice by yourself or with friends and leave them to it. The fact his behaviour is normalised by your DP and family means he knows he can do whatever he wants and get away with it. Bollocks to that. Pathetic disgusting fucker.

IdblowJonSnow · 07/08/2019 15:16

If your partner knows and isn't disgusted I just wouldn't bother going. Grim.
What an arsehole.
Sounds like you need to work on your general assertiveness if you don't mind me saying so. I know it's hard but once you've done it it gets easier. We are socially programmed to take shit/apologise/minimise. But you really don't have to.

dinosaurroarrr · 07/08/2019 15:21

Agree with pps...you have a DP problem. I'd never guilt trip do if I knew he felt really uncomfortable around a family member. Absolutely awful behaviour on her part. She should have your back on this one op

HaileySherman · 07/08/2019 15:24

I agree with others to address this with him directly. I don't think doing it publicly is necessary, the first time. Hopefully after having a word with him in private he'll be rightfully mortified and change his behavior. If not, the call him out in front of people. A simple, "hey fil, didn't we talk about this?"

It's too bad your partner won't address it, but clearly she's afraid of losing her mom. Fil is a creep.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/08/2019 15:35

You have a partner problem. A serious one.

You also have a boundaries problem and that one is 100% under your control. Don't go on holiday, don't have him staying in your house. If your partner kicks off repeat, "I'm happy to spend time with your mum but not with a man who sexually harasses me". Over and over.

Rainbunny · 07/08/2019 15:36

I understand why you agreed to go on this vacation but I think your DP is wrong to guilt you into going, she should be more supportive of the fact that this man behaves disgustingly around you and makes you distressed.

I really wouldn't go on this trip in your shoes but if I did go I would stick to wearing the largest, most shapeless sundresses/beach coverups and refuse point blank to strip down to swimwear if he's around. It means less fun perhaps but it sounds like this trip will be awful in anycase.

Dragongirl10 · 07/08/2019 15:38

I don’t think you should go, let your partner go you don’t have to fall out over it.
If pressed say he has made inappropriate comments and filmed you without consent.
Stop being so nice... he is clearly not.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/08/2019 15:43

Just a thought. If he's been around 15 years, is there an element of grooming involved with your partner? That could have messed with her boundaries.

Drum2018 · 07/08/2019 15:45

I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship with your partner. She's happy to have him perv over you? She mustn't have a lot of respect for you either. You really don't have to put up with it.

unfortunately it's mostly them visiting us and imposing themselves upon us. We live in a one bedroom apartment and they refuse to get a hotel and sleep on our floor! I hate it as I spend the whole time feeling uncomfortable in my own home. That's actually where we were when I caught him "filming me"

Put your foot down on these intrusive visits - tell your partner you are no longer willing to put up with this shit in your own home. If she insists they stay with you then you have a bigger problem. You should pack up and leave as soon as they arrive and stay with your own family/friends.

Branleuse · 07/08/2019 15:47

Tell your partner that you'd make far more of an effort with her family if her dad would stop staring at your tits and kept his filthy hands to himself. Its him that's the problem , not you. If making an effort with her family means being sexually objectified or harrassed by a creep, then fuck that

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