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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for dreading holiday with creepy FIL

106 replies

MummyToBe89 · 07/08/2019 12:49

We have a holiday coming up with my DP's family and I can't stop feeling so anxious about it as my FIL really creeps me out and the thought of being in my bikini/costume or even just spending a long period of time with him is making me feel so
uncomfortable.

I have naturally large boobs and he constantly stares at them. He always wants to hug me and rubs his hands all over my back and makes comments that he thinks excuses him rubbing his hands on me such as "oooh you're lovely and warm" as if he's trying to just get warm and not have his hands all over me.

I once also caught him filming me on his phone when I was sat watching TV. When I asked what he was doing he started laughing and said he was joking and was waiting for me to realise.

My in laws live a plane journey away so we don't see them very often (4/5 times a year) so I'm not very close to him and don't know how to approach the situation. He's also my DP Stepdad, not real father, so they're not as close as a child/father would be and be able to talk about awkward situations.

How would you approach the situation? I'm thinking of asking DP to speak to her family as a whole and say I'm not really a huggy person, that way FIL won't know it's just aimed at him, but I don't know what I'm going to do about this holiday. The thought of being partially dressed is making my skin crawl.

OP posts:

wildcherries · 07/08/2019 13:38

This is all gross. But the filming is super gross. What the hell? Tell him no and to back away each and every time, and if DP or anyone else has an issue, then that's their problem.

Stand up for yourself, please. This is so uncalled for.

MollyButton · 07/08/2019 13:39

4 or 5 times a year is a lot for visiting family that you need to use a plane to visit. We used to see my in laws less than that and they were just a long car journey. (And think of the planet.)

If your partner wants to go that much - then let her, but go yourself at the most 1/2 the time.

Talk to your partner. What is her take on this?
To be honest I would be doing my best not to see him again.

Haworthia · 07/08/2019 13:42

You need to stand up for yourself, none of this softly softly “making an announcement to the entire family that I’m not a huggy person” nonsense. Squirm away from his touch with a firm “no thanks!”

Worried about offending? Fuck that. Women are conditioned almost from birth to placate disgusting men - don’t do it.

Peanutbuttericecream · 07/08/2019 13:43

I wouldn't go anywhere near him. Cancel the holiday.

Daffodil2018 · 07/08/2019 13:45

If you don't want to confront him about it I suggest you loudly tell everyone that you've had a violent stomach bug and don't want to infect anyone else so they should keep their distance. You could also wear a cover up when he's around.

Clearly you shouldn't have to but if you want to avoid confrontation that's really your only option other than putting up with it. He sounds like a total creep. What does his wife/DP's mum say about it, if anything?

Peanutbuttericecream · 07/08/2019 13:49

Don't tell him you've had a stomach bug. Cancel the holiday and tell everyone why.

W0rriedMum · 07/08/2019 13:49

How disgusting is this man?!

Reminder that if you have female children, he will do this to them at some point. That would be enough for me to have it out with him and tell him to back right off.

Hoppinggreen · 07/08/2019 13:53

I’m sorry OP but you are going to have to be strong here. Women are conditioned not to make a fuss and all too often the onus is on us to cover up or behave a certain way rather than some perv not to look at or touch us.
Mils ex was a bit of a perv but was excused by the family who laughed it off and minimised his behaviour apparently he was just like that with everyone
Well not with me (or Dd) because he knew that I WOULD make a fuss and challenge his behaviour. These men do it because they rely on social conditioning of women to put up with it and as for upsetting the rest of your family sod them if they are being complicit in his behaviour. You will but be embarrassing anyone, he will be.
Call him out every time “ don’t do that, don’t touch me” etc and if anyone says the problem is yours ask “ do you think that me objecting to someone looking at me like that or filming me is unreasonable?”
What about your partner? Does he realise ? My DH was a bit unaware with his mils partner but once I drew his attention to it he agreed it wasn’t on, I didn’t need him to back me up as I’m more than capable but it was good to know he would

OMGshefoundmeout · 07/08/2019 13:56

Back away from him whenever he approaches you, put your hands up to fend him off if necessary. Do not kiss him hello, a handshake or a wave will do. If he tries to grab you step away. Don’t let him intimidate you and don’t put up with him crossing boundaries out of politeness.

I’m not sure what you can do about him pervimg at you on the beach - sit as far away from him as possible? If you feel he is giving you too much attention, cover up for a few minutes saying loudly and clearly ‘god, there are some very pervy men out here today’?

Original poster

MummyToBe89 · 07/08/2019 14:00

I've spoken to DP but all she says is she knows he's creepy but he comes as a pair with her Mum and if she wants to see her Mum then she has to accept he'll be there.

DP's family all kind of shrug it off as "oh that's just FIL for you!" and I'm scared they'll think I'm being dramatic or causing trouble for nothing.

I tried to get out of the holiday but my DP says I never make an effort with her family. This is true but only because I dread seeing him so much.

It's not that I'm scared of offending him because he's a man, I'm also scared of offending my MIL as she doesn't see his creepiness or the rest of the family who are closer to him as they liver near him. He's been around 15 years where as I've been around 3 years.

@MollyButton unfortunately it's mostly them visiting us and imposing themselves upon us. We live in a one bedroom apartment and they refuse to get a hotel and sleep on our floor! I hate it as I spend the whole time feeling uncomfortable in my own home. That's actually where we were when I caught him "filming me".

OP posts:

NoSauce · 07/08/2019 14:03

“ Fuck off you creepy perv “ right in his ear might do it.

Honestly stand up for yourself, he does it because he thinks he can get away with it.

PeoniesarePink · 07/08/2019 14:05

That's not good enough from your DP.

There is no excusing such awful behaviour. No wonder he gets away with it.

MidsomerBurgers · 07/08/2019 14:07

We live in a one bedroom apartment and they refuse to get a hotel and sleep on our floor! I hate it as I spend the whole time feeling uncomfortable in my own home. That's actually where we were when I caught him "filming me".

I'd be concerned that he has filmed you whilst you're asleep. I doubt he'd be that brazen the first time he was filming you.

HostofDaffodils · 07/08/2019 14:07

It's a bit like the Mumsnet phrase 'You don't have a mother in law problem you have a husband problem.'

Part of the difficulty is that your partner is unwilling to stand up for you - which is sad. I think it needs a conversation between you. I assume that you are willing to make an effort with her mother, any siblings etc...

But I think if she values you, she should not want you to be in a situation where you are uncomfortable. And she should support you if you speak up for yourself.

TrumpInflatableChased · 07/08/2019 14:08

Is he called Steve.? Sound v like an old boss of mine. I told him to stop if he didn’t want to be called a perv.

Harriedharriet · 07/08/2019 14:11

Seems he has form for being a creep with everyone. Therefore you can stake out your boundaries and he will focus on others. It will he a continuous thing through, not a one conversation fix. As soon as he arrives stand back, a firm wave and a confident- "i actually hate hugs, let me get your bag" big smile (gritted teeth). It will he tricky but force yourself.

1forAll74 · 07/08/2019 14:14

I would just push this cringey guy away,and tell him to back off,otherwise he will always be the same with you. I am surprised that your partner doesn't say anything,to kind of back you up,as he is only the step dad,and your partner's Mother should understand how you feel,and have words with this man.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 07/08/2019 14:17

As always, an ILs problem is fundamentally a DP problem.

Your DP's response isnt good enough. It's not okay for someone to lech on you and film you. And it's not okay for someone to make you feel so uncomfortable in your own home. She should not be asking you to submit to that.

Get angry at her. Really mad. Tell her yes, you don't make effort to spend time with a CREEPY PERV and you won't apologise for it, and you will not be spending time with him in future, ever. Then don't go on the holiday. It won't be a holiday for you anyway.

Sad to say, you may have to reconsider your relationship with DP, but try laying down the law and your boundaries in no uncertain terms first.

Ninkaninus · 07/08/2019 14:19

Ugh that’s disgusting. Sorry but why the fuck is everyone tiptoeing around this creep?? I wouldn’t be sparing his feelings and I’d tell him straight out every time ‘don’t touch me/Keep your hands off me/stop that’. Death stare, no question about intent - I’d be letting him know he’s well out of order. I’m sorry but that’s the only way to deal with this. It’s disgusting that your dp expects you to just put up with this, and if she’s expecting you to do so then I’d be bowing out of any further holidays with her family.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2019 14:20

So, your partner won't do anything to help you? In fact, she's actually telling you to put up with it? Sorry, but I'm afraid that shows where you area on her priority list.

You have two choices. You can either yell the house down next time he touches you, or you can refuse to go on the grounds that you don't intend to waste your holiday fending off the advances of an old perv.

Wonder how she'd be feeling if it was your stepdad all over her?

Ninkaninus · 07/08/2019 14:22

Omg just read the bit about them imposing on your home (your safe space!) and your dp being okay with that and expecting you to just put up and shut up. Sorry but what the fuck? There’s so much wrong with this.

You’re NOT being dramatic, you’re NOT making a fuss about nothing.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2019 14:25

if she wants to see her Mum then she has to accept he'll be there

Yes, but YOU don't.

Cancel. Refuse to let them stay at your place. Or stay somewhere else while they're there.

Should at least send the message to your DP about where her priorities should be here. She fine with him basically molesting you and making you feel uncomfortable in your own home? Not on.

And you really must stand up for yourself.

LaLoba · 07/08/2019 14:26

My brother is like this, OP. He’s done it my whole life and my family pretend it’s harmless. I’ve seen another brother laugh while his teenage daughter was flung around by Uncle Creepy at a wedding (the last time I did anything with my family). Families of sexual abusers will do anything to avoid the disgusting truth.

Cancel, let your DP go without you. Let her tell the in laws you have a virus, whatever, if she won’t stand up for you. And don’t let this creep and his enablers back in your home - again, lying about the reason in this circumstances is just fine in my book.

He’s their creepy, predatory problem, that in all likelihood they will never face up to. It’s not on you to ‘manage’ this vile behaviour.

JaniceBattersby · 07/08/2019 14:27

Your partner expects you to actively want to be sexually assaulted by her stepdad? Fuck that. There’s no way I’d be going anywhere near him.

Hoppinggreen · 07/08/2019 14:27

Agree,the problem is your partner.
Is your partner female? Does he perv at her?
You really really need to stand up to the lot of them, no way would my in-laws sleep on my bedroom floor even if one of them wasn’t a letch

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