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Original poster

Sad that I'll never have a Son

153 replies

AlwaysFuckingTired94 · 06/08/2019 21:49

DP and I are done having children. We have two wonderful DDs and I feel very privileged to have them. But I can't help but feel sad that I'll never have a Son. For some reason I always thought I'd have a little boy, and I feel wistful that I will never get to experience the Mother-Son bond. Its nothing to do with wanting to indulge in gender stereotypes. I have an amazing bond with my girls. But am I missing out on a different kind of relationship by not having a Son? A Mummy's boy, so to speak. I know deep down I'm being unreasonable, but finishing having children has been a bit of a mindfield for me. Can anyone relate? Advise? Knock some sense into me? Gin

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysFuckingTired94 · 07/08/2019 13:35

@m3lon I believe there are differences between the two biological sexes. I am curious about what my child of the opposite sex would have been like. Gender stereotypes really have nothing to do with this. I would feel like the same even if both my Daughters decided to identify as men.

OP posts:
Hmmmbop · 07/08/2019 13:38

I have one of each and could not haven given a shiny shit about the gender of either. Now they are here I can honestly say I have no different bond with either and whilst my relationship with each is different, it isn't because of what is between their legs. I think the idea of mother/ son or mother/daughter bond is frankly ridiculous and we should treat our children as the individuals they are and not factor in their sex or gender.

MarthasGinYard · 07/08/2019 14:05

@marthasginyard I'm already in counselling, cheers Martha. What's my next step?'

Not sure

Stick with it, imagine you were sat in counselling with no dc and unable to have any?

Good old fashioned Count your blessings and a little Mindfulness.

Who knows

M3lon · 07/08/2019 14:14

always well yes, there are biological differences. Boys have penises. I mean if what you are saying is that you are grieving the fact you'll never change the nappy of a baby who can pee in your face while you do it, then I guess I get it.

That's not what you said in your op though. You said in your OP it was about the bond. Unless that bond involves genitals, there is no reason to think it would be different between male and female children and their mother, except for gender stereotyping of course.

Nyctophilia · 07/08/2019 14:24

Shatners you really are a nasty piece of work, you've obviously searched the op previous threads to find something to have a go at
You did this to me under a previous name for what was an innocuous post, just being a vile cunt for no apparent reason
You are a nasty little bully of a man with an air of bitterness and delusions of adequacy
I dont give two fucks if I'm banned for this so report away

whyamidoingthis · 07/08/2019 14:53

@MarthasGinYard - Stick with it, imagine you were sat in counselling with no dc and unable to have any?

Why the nastiness? Would you tell a person who was paralysed from the waist down to imagine they were paralysed from the neck down?

krustykittens · 07/08/2019 15:00

I get it, OP. We stopped at two kids for various reasons and even though they are teenagers now, I still look in the window of baby shops and sigh, and yes, I would have loved a little boy, just because. I really enjoy being a mum (even though the teen years are tough at times) and I do wish I still had little ones. But there you go. There is nothing wrong in voicing these little wounds, just because some people's are bigger. x

MarthasGinYard · 07/08/2019 15:01

Not nasty in my opinion

Wasn't nasty on OP's last thread about wanting 3 dc either.

IMO your comparison is ridiculous

LifeofRye · 07/08/2019 15:08

Would you tell a person who was paralysed from the waist down to imagine they were paralysed from the neck down?

Lovely example of a ridiculously false comparison there.

There's nothing nasty in suggesting someone look to their fortunes and blessings rather than indulge in self pity over romanticised social ideals.

whyamidoingthis · 07/08/2019 15:08

@MarthasGinYard - IMO your comparison is ridiculous

No more ridiculous than yours. You can always find someone who would prefer to be in your situation. It doesn't mean that you can't feel bad or disappointed about aspects of your situation.

MarthasGinYard · 07/08/2019 15:16

Thanks Life

I always try to do so

I know it's all relative though in the great scheme of things.

LifeofRye · 07/08/2019 15:21

It doesn't mean that you can't feel bad or disappointed about aspects of your situation

Gaining perspective and practicing gratitude lessens negative feelings like disappointment.

The OP is feeling 'sad'. Emotion acknowledged, validated, accepted. Now what? Keep feeling sad and disappointed or focus on good things to lessen the 'sad'?

If you keep telling yourself you're right to feel sad then you'll find it very difficult to move through and past it.

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2019 15:35

ssd I spent many years in the writing and editing profession, hard copy and online. One word in capitals is generally accepted as house style by most hard copy and online media as for emphasis (some may use bold instead) and it's only repeated use in a consistent line or sentence or paragraphs that is taken as shouting. But shouting isn't in itself automatically aggressive either. If you're at your son's sports day and shouting "COME ON!" or "WELL DONE!" those are aggressive, are they? Shouting to be heard in a loud pub is aggressive? No, not automatically. In the same way that no one is shouting when they use OP or DP or DF or IMO on a thread.

Original poster
AlwaysFuckingTired94 · 07/08/2019 15:38

@m3lon I think most people are able to comprehend that their are differences between biological males and biological females, aside from their genitalia. I've never met anyone born pre-millennium who genuinely thinks that there isnt

OP posts:
Tumbleweed101 · 07/08/2019 15:45

I understand what you mean. I have a son and daughters so I consider myself very fortunate to have been able to experience both kind of relationships.

Interestingly, my son always had a much closer bond to his grandmother growing up and then kind of with his dad. But he’s been going through a rough patch and called me and said ‘I just need a mum chat!’ and I realised that while we might not have the closer bond I had always wanted I am still someone he needs and values etc.

I guess we all want a bond for those stereotypes we hear about but actually we have bonds with real people which are unique. It is ok to wish for a son and that stereotype relationship. I still wish I had a sister as well as a brother as I was envious of my friends having sisters.

whyamidoingthis · 07/08/2019 15:48

@LifeofRye - The OP is feeling 'sad'. Emotion acknowledged, validated, accepted. Now what? Keep feeling sad and disappointed or focus on good things to lessen the 'sad'?

I absolutely agree with you there. It's important to move on from that disappointment. However, someone pointing out that there are others who would love to be in your situation as they have it worse doesn't help. If anything, it makes it worse as it can make you feel guilty for feeling as you do.

BillywigSting · 07/08/2019 15:52

Yanbu to be a bit sad. I only have one son but I'm done having babies and I'm a bit sad that I'll never have a daughter.

It doesn't mean that I love my son any less, just that I'm a bit sad about what might have been but now never will be.

I think it's quite natural tbh.

Pinkout · 07/08/2019 15:54

A friend of my Mother’s kept having children until she got a son. She had five children in the end with the fifth being her golden boy... I never understood it personally but maybe it’s because I have two of each.

I don’t see any difference between my bond with my DS’s as opposed to DD’s. It’s very much the same, you’re not missing out on anything.

LifeofRye · 07/08/2019 15:55

If anything, it makes it worse as it can make you feel guilty for feeling as you do.

Really good point, I think by properly validating and accepting your own sadness (knowing it's perfectly understandable to feel that way) before trying to take the next step into gratitude/perspective, hopefully you'll avoid layering any guilt on top of the sadness.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/08/2019 15:59

I believe there are differences between the two biological sexes. I am curious about what my child of the opposite sex would have been like

Yeah biological differences in that men usually are physically stronger and have penises etc but I don't get in what way that impacts on the type of relationship you have with them though. Like I said I have one of each and their sex has no bearing on our relationships. I have 3 brothers and have different relationships with each of them because they're different people

whyamidoingthis · 07/08/2019 16:15

@LifeofRye - I think by properly validating and accepting your own sadness (knowing it's perfectly understandable to feel that way) before trying to take the next step into gratitude/perspective, hopefully you'll avoid layering any guilt on top of the sadness.

Exactly. For most people, it's relatively simple as, for them, the disappointment is fleeting. However, for others it requires more work in understanding what's behind the sadness and disappointment.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2019 17:07

I don't think it's at all unusual for the parent of one sex to feel a bit sad that they don't also have the other. I have two boys and wouldn't exchange them for a mint of money. I would have loved to have had a daughter, but that's just not the way it worked out. I'm sure many mothers of daughters feel the same way 'in reverse'.

But remember that sons do grow up and if you're lucky like I am, you'll gain a lovely daughter-in-law who will find her own special place in your heart.

Hmmmbop · 07/08/2019 18:54

@Twinkletoenails I think that's a massive generalisation. 2 of my brothers are much closer to my mum than me or my sister or my other brother, DH is closer to his family than I am, of our friends it is generally the men who are closest to their mothers than our female friends but very individual as to how close they are.

ssd · 07/08/2019 19:40

ShatnersWig, stroll on.

Twinkletoenails · 07/08/2019 21:50

Hmmmbop thanks for that but I guess I'm trying to justify it to myself as I feel a sadness about it