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Original poster

Sad that I'll never have a Son

153 replies

AlwaysFuckingTired94 · 06/08/2019 21:49

DP and I are done having children. We have two wonderful DDs and I feel very privileged to have them. But I can't help but feel sad that I'll never have a Son. For some reason I always thought I'd have a little boy, and I feel wistful that I will never get to experience the Mother-Son bond. Its nothing to do with wanting to indulge in gender stereotypes. I have an amazing bond with my girls. But am I missing out on a different kind of relationship by not having a Son? A Mummy's boy, so to speak. I know deep down I'm being unreasonable, but finishing having children has been a bit of a mindfield for me. Can anyone relate? Advise? Knock some sense into me? Gin

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 07/08/2019 06:25

My dm had daughters but continued until she had sons. They have always been spoiled rotten and yet her DDs are expected to look after her! It's clear we weren't enough for her. Op, please be happy with what you have, and don't ever let your daughters know that you're sad you didn't have a son.

EmrysAtticus · 07/08/2019 06:26

DS is only 3 so I have no idea how he will be as an adult but DH is close to his mum. Not in an unhealthy way but he calls her 1-2 times a week and keeps her up-to-date with what he is up to. He also arranges to see her every couple of months (she lives 3 hours away) and is going down for her birthday in a couple of weeks. His Dsis lives in the same city as his Dmum and she is less close to MIL so it's more than possible for adult sons to be close to their mums.

user87382294757 · 07/08/2019 06:29

Daughters aren't always in touch with their mums. Like many on here I am NC with mine.

TheNanny23 · 07/08/2019 06:42

@StitchingMoss

I said anecdotally. It is true for myself and others on the thread. Society may shift but often it’s daughters who look after parents when they are older. Friends of mine with babies naturally want their own mum to help them in that vulnerable time. I’m not saying it’s true for everyone, but there is an element of truth in it. My husband sees his mum regularly but isn’t as close to her as he was before he met me, whereas I’m probably closer to my mum.

AgentJohnson · 07/08/2019 06:43

It’s normal to romanticise what you don’t know or have.

This, with bells on

CatteStreet · 07/08/2019 06:44

I don't understand this basing of preferences re the sex of your children on what's (presumedly) in it for you later on - this whole idea of being looked after/kept company. I expect each of my children to live their lives, and spend whatever time with me is enjoyable to us both.

AsTheWorldTurns · 07/08/2019 06:45

I feel for you OP, I have 2 boys and that's it and I've always been sad to not have a daughter.

And yes, I'm occasionally terrified of what the future holds for daughters in law when I read some of the MIL threads on MN.

mummyof2boys30 · 07/08/2019 06:46

Me and my mum are very close. My brother and mum are both equally close. We all live in the same area and see each other most days so doesnt always turn out that way. Though my husband and his mum aren't close at all. She visits once a week but he would never tell her much about our personal lives, but then again she is the same with her daughter so it's more how she is as a parent than anything to do with the gender of the kids. I have 2 boys and yes sometimes you wonder what it would of been like to have a girl. We have one mummies boy and once daddies boy at the minute tho they are still young

Phimma · 07/08/2019 06:47

I'm sad I never had a daughter.

AsTheWorldTurns · 07/08/2019 06:51

I don't understand this basing of preferences re the sex of your children on what's (presumedly) in it for you later on - this whole idea of being looked after/kept company. I expect each of my children to live their lives, and spend whatever time with me is enjoyable to us both.

Most husbands generally submit to their wives' preferences where it comes to the early baby years, and most new mothers will typically seek out their own mothers (where they have normal, functional relationships).

My husband is very close with his mother, I am too for the most part, but even after 20 years I still don't feel 100% comfortable telling her to fuck off as i would my own mother (in a polite sort of way). There's an underlying formality, so our relationship is not as easy as it could be.

Rezie · 07/08/2019 06:54

I think it would half if you acknowledge that you are sad about a fantasy. You dont actually know if you'd have a special mama's boy bond. You fantasize about it. I'm sure a lot of people do. So reframing it from being a fact that you are missing to a fantasy might help.

AsTheWorldTurns · 07/08/2019 06:56

I think it would half if you acknowledge that you are sad about a fantasy.

Bit patronising. Having a daughter is not a fantasy, like owning a private island.

Lofari · 07/08/2019 06:59

Mine all prefer their dad to me anyway! My dd is way tougher than her brothers.
You always are wistful about the what ifs I think.
My youngest has a life limiting disease. Plenty of what ifs here.
But you play the hand you're dealt.

SimplySteveRedux · 07/08/2019 07:00

Mother's made it perfectly clear to me over the past 40+ years that I "should have been a girl and she will never forgive me".

Count your blessings.

speakout · 07/08/2019 07:05

What does that mother/son bond even mean?

OP I think you are taken in by gender constructs here.

I have one of each, I love them dearly, the have quite different personalities, and very "atypical" of the ideas about gender.

My DD is the practical one, liked rough and tumble play, no pink, not a deep thinker in emotional terms.

My DS is the one that needed lots of cuddles and gentle attention, lots of help to understand emotions, prefered quiet play to rough and tumble.

I view my kids as individuals first- their biological sex or gender are really not hugely important. Who they are as people is far more important.

Fundays12 · 07/08/2019 07:25

I have 3 sons youngest is just 3 weeks old and yes it would have been nice to experience raising a daughter but it doesn’t make me sad not to have.

Although the thing that made me sad when I was pregnant was other people’s continued comments about how we must have be desperate for girl or how it would complete our family as neither of us felt like that.

I don’t see us ever having anymore kids as neither of us want more but I have a very close relationship with my boys and plan to continue to build on that.

As for the special mother daughter relationship honestly in families with sons it often seems to come at the expense of the sons as the daughters get lots of extra attention and “bonding” time meaning the boys get less.

DH recently pulled his own mother up for this as it got to the point even our sons were not being bothered about as the focus was always on the girls and his mum was to busy with them to spend any time at all with our sons (or even visit).

Fundays12 · 07/08/2019 07:27

SimplySteveRedux so sorry to hear this that’s a horrible way to be treated.😢

Coyoacan · 07/08/2019 07:44

I remember one time meeting a family of ten children, all boys except for the youngest, who was a spoilt little princess. They had really, really wanted that girl.

Ragwort · 07/08/2019 07:55

I knew a family with nine boys and then a girl .... she emigrated to the other side of the world as soon as she was old enough Grin

MyNewBearTotoro · 07/08/2019 07:59

I understand. I’m a Mum to 3 DDs and a DS, but my DS has severe learning difficulties/ multiple disabilities and parenting him is very hard work. One of my DDs is also severely disabled but I do sometimes feel a sadness that my ‘only son’ is disabled that I don’t feel around my DD. I guess I question what my bond might have been like with him and what the dynamic in the house would have been like if he was a typical little boy. I know it’s irrational because I’ve not pushed gender norms into my DC (although my girls have naturally been orientated to more stereotypically girls things) and there’s every chance he would have been into dolls and dressing up and sylvanian families like his sisters but I feel a sadness when I see little boys my sons age I don’t feel with my disabled DD as I wonder what parenting a typically developing son would have been like.

footballmum · 07/08/2019 08:02

I have two boys whom I adore. However, I lost my mom 8 years ago and the fact I’ll never have that mother/daughter relationship again breaks my heart Sad

stucknoue · 07/08/2019 08:10

I'm the same, 2 girls but they are amazing, I'm a bit sad I won't have any more kids rather than it being about boys though.

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2019 08:18

As a man, I'd like to know what this special bond is between a boy and his mum? Could someone explain it to me please?

Lexilooo · 07/08/2019 08:43

You said you wanted a kicking, so, try thinking about the people who are coming to terms with the fact they may never experience parenthood at all, and never have that relationship with a child of their own.

missyB1 · 07/08/2019 08:50

The bond you have with your children is all about getting back what you put in, I don’t believe it’s about the sex of the child. I didn’t have a close bond with my mum but that’s because she didn’t make a huge effort to build it or work on it as I grew up. I have 3 boys and work on the bonding, two of them are grown up now but I still work on it and make a big effort.

I encourage them to talk about anything with me and as young children I always worked on emotional intelligence, when my friends were trying to stress to me the importance of rough and tumble play for boys Hmm
OP I think a lot of your feelings relate to gender stereotyping.