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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad that I'll never have a Son

153 replies

AlwaysFuckingTired94 · 06/08/2019 21:49

DP and I are done having children. We have two wonderful DDs and I feel very privileged to have them. But I can't help but feel sad that I'll never have a Son. For some reason I always thought I'd have a little boy, and I feel wistful that I will never get to experience the Mother-Son bond. Its nothing to do with wanting to indulge in gender stereotypes. I have an amazing bond with my girls. But am I missing out on a different kind of relationship by not having a Son? A Mummy's boy, so to speak. I know deep down I'm being unreasonable, but finishing having children has been a bit of a mindfield for me. Can anyone relate? Advise? Knock some sense into me? Gin

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysFuckingTired94 · 07/08/2019 00:25

I have massive amounts of empathy for those who have struggled or failed to concieve, but I don't like the "someone else has it worse than you so you can't be upset" rhetoric. It's not nice to shame someone for their feelings, and it's not healthy to bottle feelings up. I started this thread for support. I'm sorry if it's upset anyone, but perhaps you just hide it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysFuckingTired94 · 07/08/2019 00:27

you should just hide it*

OP posts:
MoreFrog · 07/08/2019 00:36

I have two daughters and it's honestly never crossed my mind to wish for a son, or feel as if I'm missing out on something.
Obviously you feel how you feel, but I can't even begin to empathise.

I'm wondering if this is common and I'm in the minority.

Elleoodle · 07/08/2019 00:36

You are grieving what you thought was your future. Some can't have children at all and they are grieving too. Some have lost children or have children diagnosed with life limiting conditions. They are grieving too. Some have lost children to Foster care for various reasons and they are grieving too. No ones grief is like the other. There is no comparison to be had.

What might help to keep in mind, is that your vision of your son, may not have become a reality at all. He may not have loved dinosaurs and superheroes for example. In fact, one of your daughters may be more stereotypical to 'boys'.
I have a tomboy, a girly girl and a son who loves everything girly. I've also experienced multiple losses and infertility. I wanted a son, although I couldn't pinpoint a reason beyond 'the experience' and that hasn't been the 'expected' I guess. We thought we were done at 2 so I know the 'pang'. My bond is the same with all 3.

Be gentle and forgiving to yourself. Try to understand your emotions and allow yourself through the process of accepting your future will not be the one you expected and that's okay too.

Fatted · 07/08/2019 00:38

I don't understand why people are being spiteful on here. I don't think OP is in any way saying she is not grateful or happy with the children she has or that she doesn't love them any less because they are girls. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad about what you would have liked to have happen, but didn't.

I'm a mum to two boys. So I know where you're coming from OP. We're done. Definitely never ever ever having any more. But I do sometimes think it would have been nice to have had a daughter. But it's fleeting and it doesn't take anything away from how I feel about my boys. I think more it's parts of my life and my experiences learned as being female I won't necessarily share with my own children. I won't be mother of the bride, I won't be there for them with their first period or pregnancy.

But it is what it is. And I'm happy with my lot. But I also suffer with the toilet seat being permanently up and covered in piss as the only female in our house!!

Halo1234 · 07/08/2019 00:47

We have decided for many reasons to stop at 2 DC (one ds and one dd). Although this feels right for us and I know a third would add too much to our load I often wonder what our 3rd would be like.....I wonder if you are just not ready (like me) to accept you will never meet another DC rather than wanting a ds. If you had a ds you might wonder what it would be like to have another ds if that makes sense. I voted yanbu. But I dont think the feelings you have are gender specific. Your dd proberly have different personalities. Having said that ds are great but equalled by dds you aren't missing out.

alltoomuchrightnow · 07/08/2019 01:33

No, nobody can tell her how she can feel, but she did choose to come on AIBU, so people will have differing opinions!

ChocolateCroissants · 07/08/2019 01:46

Just be thankful you'll never have a daughter in law and won't ever have to navigate that treacherous relationship!

PeevedNiamh · 07/08/2019 02:20

Honestly my teenage son can barely stand me and my other son is sometimes a little overly in his affections and I wonder if he's going to turn into Norman Bates! I love my children but my girls seem slightly saner 😂

tolerable · 07/08/2019 02:29

alltoomuchrightnow hit exact response. op. i'm blessed with two boys ,havent missed out but THAT painful truth and reality oughta at very least remind you this is mumsnet.fucksake

Monty27 · 07/08/2019 02:32

OP I feel for you. It's important to you. You need to grieve it though. You can't change it.
Flowers

EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/08/2019 05:21

Just be thankful you'll never have a daughter in law and won't ever have to navigate that treacherous relationship!

But the OP could have a daughter in law if her dd marries a woman.

I have two sons and dont feel I've missed out by not having a daughter. But I can understand why you might feel that way.

TheNanny23 · 07/08/2019 05:40

Anecdotally the old adage ‘ A son is a son until he takes a wife. A daughter is daughter all of her life’ has rung true in our family.

I am closer to my parents than ever as an adult and my parents are absolutely delighted with myself and my sister. We probably were horrible as teenagers but on the other side we go on holiday together and enjoy each other’s company.

My mother in law has struggled with her ‘boys’ being married and the more she clings on the more she pushes them away. I do think if you have a ‘mummy’s boy’ you set yourself up for hurt when your child grows up and doesn’t need you anymore. Loving your mum is one thing and being in each other’s pockets is another.
My brother and law and sister in law are much closer to her parents than his.

I'd appreciate your girls and be grateful you never have to deal with piss on the seat.

pebblemix · 07/08/2019 05:46

I have 2 boys and huge anxiety surrounding the future. I’m extremely close to them but am planning for a lonely old age when they don’t want to know. When the wives come along then I’ll be lucky to see them once a year I guess. It’s quite heartbreaking when I see how my husband and his brother treat their mum. By contrast I message and see my mum constantly. Be grateful for girls. At least they’ll be in your life and care about you when you are old.

cantfindname · 07/08/2019 05:47

The way you are feeling is normal. I think most women are slightly sad when they know they have had their 'last baby' irrespective of the gender. It's basically nature (and hormones!) telling you to carry on breeding

There is a local woman here who had 7 (yes.. seven) girls before she finally had her longed for boy and the irony is he turned into a nasty, spoiled brat and there was certainly no close mother/son bond. In fairness I think he was thoroughly spoiled by having Mum plus 7 sisters all doting on him and dancing to his every whim.

I have no advice, everyone is so different and I can appreciate only too well that feeling of longing , but you are doing the right thing. You will surely have a great bond with your daughters and the best thing about girls is that they tend to stay just as close when they marry and have their own family!

AJPTaylor · 07/08/2019 05:54

I have 3 girls. And I do count my blessings daily. However, with no 3, if I could have picked I would have had a boy. It would have been nice to have had a son.

StitchingMoss · 07/08/2019 05:56

TheNanny23, that “adage” is total bollocks and drives me insane.

And what’s with all the “piss on the seat” comments - I taught my boys to wipe the seat from a young age and never have a problem. It’s not hard!

Teacher22 · 07/08/2019 06:04

I had one of each but I know that if I had had two boys I would have had a slight sense of ‘what if?’ about a daughter. It is only human. OP, I know you will and do love your girls but it is perfectly OK to share an unspoken thought on Mumsnet.

I bet there is no one on this site who hasn’t had a ‘what if?’ thought about something.

edgeofheaven · 07/08/2019 06:07

“You should be lucky with the DCs you have as some people are infertile” could be a response to any negative comment about parenting. It’s an utterly pointless statement intended to shut down a parent’s feelings and it’s exhausting to see it constantly trotted out. If parental complaints seem inane to you as an infertile person Mumsnet probably isn’t the site for you.

OP I’m in the same situation and have the same feeling sometimes but we’re done having babies and I love my two. My close friend has two boys and is wavering about having a third because she’s desperate for a girl. I think it’s fairly common.

CatteStreet · 07/08/2019 06:09

Two boys here, and then, after a big gap, a girl I was sure would be a boy. She is wonderful and her brothers' favourite person by absolute miles (dh and I come a distant second). There are (not really yet at the age she is, she's only 3), I'm sure, differences in the experience of bringing up a girl vs a boy. She is certainly different in personality from either of mine - but I very much doubt that has anything at all to do with her sex. If she'd been a boy I doubt there'd be any difference in the emotional quality of the experience. The only difference in protectiveness etc I feel between her and the older two has to do with the age gap and perhaps a certain 'last baby' thing going on - but tbh the maternal vulnerability and poignancy are every bit as acute as my teen and preteen go out into the world and gain their independence.

I also don't think a 'mummy's boy' is anything particularly to aspire for - yes, you want them to be close to you, but your purpose is to equip them to go out there and make a success of interacting with the world. Forge happy lives for themselves.

TwistyTop · 07/08/2019 06:10

Some of the comments on here are ridiculous. There is always someone worse off than you, it doesn't mean that your own problems don't exist.

OP, I think what you're feeling is very common for parents who only have children/a child of one gender. You'll probably always wonder what could have been. I think this is one of those situations where you have to just accept the way that you feel and move on. It's ok to feel the way that you do, there is no need to feel guilty, just don't let it cloud the joy you get from having the family that you already do.

CatteStreet · 07/08/2019 06:10

different in personality from either of my boys, I mean.

CatteStreet · 07/08/2019 06:13

My boys pee sitting down, btw. Certainly in this house (what they do elsewhere isn't my business or concern). I certainly don't intend to accept piss on the loo seat as an inevitable collateral of living with males, thank you very much.

I also think that 'count your blessings' is a valid point in this situation, however much people may not want to hear it. It doesn't mean 'you can't have your feelings'. It means 'have your feelings, but put them into perspective if you can'.

ukgift2016 · 07/08/2019 06:14

At least you will never be 'that MIL' look at how petty MIL get treated on here by their son female partners.

I have a DD and am planning another child, I am scared to have a son for that reason!

user1480880826 · 07/08/2019 06:19

Minefield