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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sad that I'll never have a Son

153 replies

AlwaysFuckingTired94 · 06/08/2019 21:49

DP and I are done having children. We have two wonderful DDs and I feel very privileged to have them. But I can't help but feel sad that I'll never have a Son. For some reason I always thought I'd have a little boy, and I feel wistful that I will never get to experience the Mother-Son bond. Its nothing to do with wanting to indulge in gender stereotypes. I have an amazing bond with my girls. But am I missing out on a different kind of relationship by not having a Son? A Mummy's boy, so to speak. I know deep down I'm being unreasonable, but finishing having children has been a bit of a mindfield for me. Can anyone relate? Advise? Knock some sense into me?

OP posts:

whyamidoingthis · 07/08/2019 11:51

@ssd - Saying you were relieved not to have a son is nasty.

How on earth is it nasty? Saying boys are horrible, or she feels sorry for people with boys, would be nasty. Being relieved you got your preferred options is not nasty

ssd · 07/08/2019 11:53

It's nasty to me. If I said I was relieved not to have a daughter, I think would be a horrible thing to say.

ssd · 07/08/2019 12:01

To say 'I'd prefer to have a son/daughter' is fine, but to say 'I was relieved not to have a son/daughter' just sounds really mean to me.

whyamidoingthis · 07/08/2019 12:02

@ssd - It's nasty to me. If I said I was relieved not to have a daughter, I think would be a horrible thing to say.

We'll have to agree to disagree on that one. I think you are taking an individual's feelings about their own situation as a personal attack.

You would be perfectly entitled to be relived not to have a daughter. It's no reflection on my daughter.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/08/2019 12:04

It might not be nasty but it's kind of sad that people can't just see children as individual & unique humans

ssd · 07/08/2019 12:10

AryaStarkWolf said it better than me.

campion · 07/08/2019 12:12

When I was commenting on the trials of being outnumbered 3 to 1, a friend (with girls) said 'at least you know you're wearing your own knickers!'
Something I hadn't thought of up to that point

I understand where you're coming from OP and I think the feeling will gradually fade as your children grow up and develop as individuals. I couldn't imagine having a daughter now, but there was a wistfulness when my DSs were small .

whyamidoingthis · 07/08/2019 12:13

@AryaStarkWolf - It might not be nasty but it's kind of sad that people can't just see children as individual & unique humans

I think most people, even if they have an initial preference, see children as unique once they are born. It's definitely a problem if you end up with on-going disappointment, rather than an initial twinge that immediately disappears.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/08/2019 12:17

Yeah for sure and I do know people like the latter aswell, it must be awful for the kids they do have thinking that their mother or father was disappointed that they weren't the opposite sex

*Not saying this about you OP btw

CookPassBabtridge · 07/08/2019 12:24

You're allowed to feel how you feel, that's the end of it. I always wanted boys and got my two, I'd have loved a girl just the same but would have been disappointed at the scan (for a moment!) There is nothing wrong with feeling that way providing the child is never aware of it and is very loved.

whyamidoingthis · 07/08/2019 12:24

@AryaStarkWolf - Yeah for sure and I do know people like the latter aswell, it must be awful for the kids they do have thinking that their mother or father was disappointed that they weren't the opposite sex

People like that really need counselling as it's so unfair on the children. I'd even go so far as to say it's borderline abusive.

Whatsername7 · 07/08/2019 12:31

I have two dd's too and we are are done. I would have loved a boy. I love my girls to pieces, but I'd have liked to have had one of each and I do get a little yearning to 'try for a boy' but we cant. Im 36, I have fertility issues, couldn't face the thought of MC again and, quite frankly, 4 more years of nursery fees would destroy my soul. Im very lucky to have my girls, I appreciate that. Still, I'd have loved a boy.

DarlingOscar · 07/08/2019 12:32

When I was commenting on the trials of being outnumbered 3 to 1, a friend (with girls) said 'at least you know you're wearing your own knickers!'

as dd gets older this is increasingly an issue!

I think we're all allowed to have vague thoughts about what family we would have liked and to harbour some regrets. I always thought I'd have 2 sons then a daughter - no idea why. So when we had a scan which said second child was a girl I was .

I do still think what a second ds would have been like - and will always be a bit sad that I never got to meet him. Completely nonsensical but they you go.

Original poster

AlwaysFuckingTired94 · 07/08/2019 12:38

@shatnerswig I think you need to calm down, the capital letters are coming across as very aggressive. You're supposed to have a special bond with your Mother as that is the most primal instinct among the human race. Mother and child, regardless of sex. I'm sorry you don't have that with yours. I'm NC with mine, as she is a pedophile/abuser protector. I'm painfully aware that the "special bond" as you put it, is not there for everyone. HTH

OP posts:

Original poster

AlwaysFuckingTired94 · 07/08/2019 12:41

@marthasginyard I'm already in counselling, cheers Martha. What's my next step?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2019 12:44

Capitals used occasionally are for emphasis. Only if whole sentences are in capitals is it regarded as shouting/aggressive. I'm very calm, thanks.

ssd · 07/08/2019 12:48

Shatnerswig, your post had the word CHILD written like that in capitals.

Original poster

AlwaysFuckingTired94 · 07/08/2019 12:49

@shatnerswig Do you still need me to explain how grieveing a theoretical third child, and grieveing a theoretical Son are two separate issues?

OP posts:

AlexaFeedTheDog · 07/08/2019 12:49

I have one of each and I have sometimes wondered if 2 of the same sex would have been better in terms of liking the same things and having a closer bond with each other.

I think there’s something nice about having a sibling of the same sex as an adult.

We’re not having any more but I guess it’s natural to wonder what could have been.

Just like there is no perfect age gap, there is no perfect combo of boys/girls.

ssd · 07/08/2019 12:50

Capitals are used for shouting whether it's one word or a whole sentence, effect is still the same.

QueenofmyPrinces · 07/08/2019 12:50

I have two sons and I feel very wistful about the daughter I will never have.

We have recently decided to have no more children (topped off by my DH having a vasectomy) and it does make sad that I will never get to experience having a daughter.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 07/08/2019 12:51

I have no idea why some people get outraged at the fact that some (most?) people have a preference for a sex.
Really, why does it annoy you so much??

The only reason I can think of is jealousy, for ex mum of girls being annoyed that someone wants a boy and she takes it as «boys are better than (your) girls», or mum of boys being annoyed at the «piss on seat» comments even though plenty of mums of boys will confirm it is true.

The infertility comments... these I understand more, not saying I agree that we should be grateful and not dare express an opinion, but I can respect their point of view.

threemonthstogo · 07/08/2019 12:55

I have massive amounts of empathy for those who have struggled or failed to concieve, but I don't like the "someone else has it worse than you so you can't be upset" rhetoric. It's not nice to shame someone for their feelings, and it's not healthy to bottle feelings up. I started this thread for support. I'm sorry if it's upset anyone, but perhaps you just hide it.

You are completely right OP, it's not you who has posted something "horrible". Of course you are thankful for your children and you never said anything to suggest otherwise.

I am pregnant with a little boy and yes there was an element of sadness at the idea I will probably never have a daughter (due to age and also being a single mum as I will only do one if I remain alone). But I think I would have also slightly mourned the other way if it had been a girl too. It is normal to have some sadness at knowing you are not going to have something you always imagined you would. There is nothing wrong with it and it doesn't mean you don't love your daughters completely!

katewhinesalot · 07/08/2019 13:04

I wanted one of each. When I was told at the scan my second was the opposite sex to my first I was euphoric at first then almost immediately I was sad that I wouldn't get a repeat of all the wonderful things about my first borns sex.

I think you can be perfectly happy with what you've got but also feel you are missing out on something. That's perfectly normal.

M3lon · 07/08/2019 13:09

How can you assert that the bond between son and mother is different to that between daughter and mother without recourse to gender stereotypes?

At least be honest that your grief stems from sexist ideas....

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