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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sad that I'll never have a Son

153 replies

AlwaysFuckingTired94 · 06/08/2019 21:49

DP and I are done having children. We have two wonderful DDs and I feel very privileged to have them. But I can't help but feel sad that I'll never have a Son. For some reason I always thought I'd have a little boy, and I feel wistful that I will never get to experience the Mother-Son bond. Its nothing to do with wanting to indulge in gender stereotypes. I have an amazing bond with my girls. But am I missing out on a different kind of relationship by not having a Son? A Mummy's boy, so to speak. I know deep down I'm being unreasonable, but finishing having children has been a bit of a mindfield for me. Can anyone relate? Advise? Knock some sense into me? Gin

OP posts:
Blackjeep · 07/08/2019 08:58

Hey everyone, I’m new to this site and it seems a very supportive one. My story is that I had two children followed by two mc and then another child. I’m now 42 and have just found out that I’m almost 6 weeks pregnant. This was unplanned but we really want the baby. I am so scared of loosing this baby that it has put me off my sleep. I barely got and hour last night! Is anyone else in the same situation?

Blackjeep · 07/08/2019 09:00

I’ve just realised that I have written this under someone else’s post. Sorry!

coronalover · 07/08/2019 09:05

You're definitely not BU. My DH and I had already agreed we were done after 2 lovely DC, and now for medical reasons we couldn't have any more even if we changed our minds. I'm sad that I won't be pregnant and look after a LO again, even though it has been our choice. I think we all wonder 'what if' about lots of this and feeling a bit sad about what could have been is perfectly natural Flowers

ssd · 07/08/2019 09:10

I think unless you have one of each you'll always get this. I have boys only and am sad I'll never have a dd. I live my boys and am very close to them and seeing the men they are becoming makes me very proud. But I'll always wonder what a dd would have been like.
I guess its just life.

ssd · 07/08/2019 09:12

footballmum, I'm the exact same.

MarthasGinYard · 07/08/2019 09:16

'will never get to experience the Mother-Son bond'

As per your last thread about grieving the fact you will never have a 3rd child.

Have a word with yourself or get some counselling

ssd · 07/08/2019 09:19

What's wrong with being wistful that you won't have a son or a daughter, or being sad you won't have another baby???
Does everything in life need to be cut and dried.... Or if not, get yourself some counselling??
Jesus wept Martha, loosen up a bit.

PeoniesarePink · 07/08/2019 09:22

I have 3 very gorgeous and lovely DDs. My only son was stillborn.

I've always felt incredibly blessed and grateful to have my girls, and we have such a close bond, but there is always a part of me that wonders what a son would have been like. My first grandson is a boy - I was there when he was born and my DD gave him my son's name as his middle name. It's been truly wonderful to watch him grow and be so close to him, so in some ways, I'm now getting to experience what I missed out on.

It's really OK to wonder what if Flowers.

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2019 09:30

On Friday you were grieving over never having a third CHILD following your husband's vasectomy. Today, it's solely about that third child not having been a BOY.

Which is it?

And I'd still like to know about this magical bond I'm supposed to have with my mother? Please enlighten me.

ssd · 07/08/2019 09:32

Oh FFS the op doesn't need pulled apart cos she's sad over something, shatner you're projecting here, you might not have had a good relationship with your mum but others did. That's life.

Walkingandwalking · 07/08/2019 09:41

I have two boys OP, they are still little but very different. I think my eldest will always be a mummy’s boy, but my youngest... hmmm... I just can’t see it! He’s wild and fiercely independent. I have a feeling he will emigrate to Canada or New Zealand and be off base jumping 😂. He’s only 1.5 years old but I can completely see it. I do honestly think it depends so much on the child.
I would love a third, but probably won’t be having one, and in all honesty, although I would love a girl, I would probably still be sad not to have another boy.
Maternal yearnings are a strange thing and in some ways I think many of us would like more babies of either sex as that is how we are genetically programmed.
If you want to look on the bright side (which you don’t have to, you are allowed to wallow a little in your feelings), boys as babies/toddlers are hard work. Seriously hard work. It’s a generalisation and not true for everyone but my friends with girls seem to be able to sit and chat just a little bit more. I never get to finish even half a sentence and spend my time undoing the havoc they wreck!

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 07/08/2019 09:41

I have two sons and wanted a third and preferably a daughter. I did not get that third child and did wonder what my family would have been like had a daughter been added to the mix but my sons have grown into wonderful, hard working young men. They will one day give me daughters in law. one of my sons is in a long term committed relationship with a wonderful young woman and I think it is only a matter of time before they take the next step and maybe one day grand daughters.
Now looking back I am happy with what I have rather than wasting brain cells thinking about what I didn’t have.

Walkingandwalking · 07/08/2019 09:42

@PeoniesarePink so sorry for your loss. Flowers

zeromango · 07/08/2019 09:50

Totally get how you feel OP! I have a wonderful DD but it took x2 miscarriages to get her, and sadly she was born with a disability and we aren't sure if we'll ever have another because of the care she needs. I love DD with my whole being but I'd have loved a boy too - me and my brother are very close. I do feel very sad as to what could have been .... but I am so grateful to have my lovely DD. Don't ever let anyone dismiss your feelings!! It's natural to wonder what if, and you have every right to feel how you do.

MhysaMhysa · 07/08/2019 09:51

I always thought I'd have a girl and a boy, as that's the order everyone in my family have had kids. I'm not disappointed I have two girls and it's not because of a mummy's boy or anything, I still want a boy, but done having kids now too and I try to look at it like, I will be able to give two much more than I could give three, so I put all my energy into the DC I do have.

The thing is, you could have tried to have more and ended up with ten more girls.

I got a male dog instead and I know it sounds cringey af, but he's my boy Smile

itsabootyhole · 07/08/2019 10:15

I get you op. I have 5 children, my first 3 are from my first marriage 2 girls and a boy.
I'm re married and have 2 DD's with my now husband. He would love a son and secretly I hoped my last would of been a boy so we had one of each but obviously that didn't happen. I often wonder what a little boy would look like and what their personality would be like, but I'm so done! I don't think my body could cope with pregnancy again so I've made the decision to stop. But it doesn't stop the niggling feeling of maybe if I just do it one more time it could be a boy and then we would be 1000% done. But 5 girls doesn't bear thinking about Shock

Emmapeeler · 07/08/2019 10:15

@MhysaMhysa I am hoping for a ‘third child dog’ at some point Grin

Onescaredmuma · 07/08/2019 10:47

I have 2 girls and a baby boy. I was told about this amazing mother son bond I would feel and felt sad for my dds as people honestly seemed to think I couldn't possibly feel. The same about them as I would my boy. He came and he was no different. Things changed aged 1 when he had a prolonged stay in hospital and has had several since I am more protective over him but honestly it's nothing to do with him being a boy it's all worry and stress over his health.
I totally understand how you feel as I wanted 4 and have stopped at 3 due to the extremely stressful pregnancy (1:26 risk for downs syndrome and suspected cystic fibrosis) then constant health worries. So please do not think I say this harshly or unkindly enjoy your lovely daughters and try not to think to long or sadly over what could have been as it could be very different to how you imagine it. You are not being unreasonable to be sad BTW be gentle on yourself.

Idratherhaveacupoftea · 07/08/2019 11:07

I would have love a son as well, I only had one daughter, always wanted more. But I now have a lovely grandson as well as a lovely granddaughter.

Dahliachlo · 07/08/2019 11:08

I was the opposite. I was very relieved to have a second dd.

I grew up going to girls’ schools, had two sisters (no brothers) and only girl cousins. I was never friends with any boys as a child. Consequently, I felt I knew absolutely nothing about boys and would never be qualified to raise one!

AryaStarkWolf · 07/08/2019 11:11

I have one of each and they're both just people with their own personalities, I have a mother-child bond with them both

Twinkletoenails · 07/08/2019 11:19

3 sons here too. The eldest has pretty much flown the nest, and although we've had a pretty close mother/son relationship, he now barely keeps in contact. Hardly hear from him. This feels very hard but I think it can go with the territory of having a son- more so than with a daughter maybe...

ssd · 07/08/2019 11:49

Dahliachlo, you don't need past experience to raise a son. Only live and kindness, same as all kids need. Saying you were relieved not to have a son is nasty.

whyamidoingthis · 07/08/2019 11:49

Of course you're not unreasonable to feel that. Many people will have an idealised idea of what their families will look like before they have any children and it's natural to feel a bit disappointed if that doesn't materialise. It's only a problem if you obsess or if you feel disappointed with the children you have.

I was always a bit ambivalent about having kids but decided to go for it. I would have preferred a girl as I only have nieces and felt more familiar with girls but ended up pregnant with a boy. I ended up terminating at 22 weeks due to ffa.

Next pregnancy, I also would have preferred a girl but had a boy. He's very independent and, while we have a great relationship, he was never a mummy's boy.

Next pregnancy, I thought a boy would be a better option as I felt two boys would be more likely to get on. I had a girl. She and her brother are very different people and only really started getting on in their late teens. She and I also have a very good relationship but I probably have more in common with her than with her older brother.

Next pregnancy, my preference was for another girl as again, I thought 2 girls might get on better. It was another boy. However, he and his sister always got on really well when they were younger. They've drifted a bit over the last few years but I think that is more that they are at different stages of their lives. He's a total mummy's boy, while still being pretty independent.

So basically, I got both sexes. All three are very different. I have excellent, but different, relationships with all three. I am glad I have a girl as if I had all boys, I know I would be left wondering and vice versa.

Oh, and neither of my boys piss on the toilet seat. They were trained properly from a young age.

Ignore the posts saying you're unreasonable because some people can't have children. You are entitled to feel what you feel. Nobody would tell someone with a broken leg that they shouldn't feel hard done by just because some people are permanently in a wheelchair.

ssd · 07/08/2019 11:50

Love not live