To think DH's friends are a bit racist???

[sallyballynally]

First post, because this is one of the most strange situations I've been in!

So, I'm Asian and DH is white. DH has started a fancy job and has a new load of friends and colleagues. We also recently moved back to the UK after living abroad for a while, so I hadn't met some of DH's friends. DH went to posh schools and his friends have £££ (this I think is relevant). Also all of them are white (also relevant I think). DH thought it would be fun to have a get together with his friends, co-workers and their kids. All fine.

So day of get together comes. My sister is staying with us and we were together at the back of the house, so when the doorbell rang DH was already at the doorstep with a whole load of people who had arrived in a group. Much hugging and laughs. So, me and my sister step forward to greet them with DS on my hip and DD trailing after me and two of the moms say to their kids "There, off you go with the nice lady!" Then, some other people start going to hand my sister their coats.

DH bursts out laughing and introduces us. Said people turned pink and were very awkward with me for the rest of the night.

I have made my displeasure known and DH reckons this is just a funny situation and I'm overreacting. I think it's dodgy as heck that this lot assumed that we were the help!!

I agree with you.

I would dump any man who has racist friends.

Sorry OP. I have a biracial child and those kind of people, even if they hide their racism behind so-called jokes would not be welcome at mine.

Oh God, how hideous!! I bet they were mortified, as they should be.
I hope you are not too upset. It was shit. Perhaps their bad manners and racism will make them consider their actions after that night.
I may have been tempted to say which nice lady whilst turning around to look at no one behind you.

This is incredible to me. I would never assume someone is a damn house servant because of their race. I'm gobsmacked by their blatant racism. What a bunch of arseholes.

Thank you for the replies. Honestly struggling what to think of this. Had a heated debate about this in the morning and DH insists that they're not ~actually~ racist. But surely normal people don't see non-white people and think they're staff????

Wow that's awful! Sorry you had to come across these idiots.

They. Are. Fucking. Racist. End of - they took one look and thought, ah the help.
My BF is Asian and I have lost count of the times we’ve been out and someone has taken her for the staff at the restaurant or wherever. And by ‘someone’ I mean WHITE British people, often ‘posh’ - it’s never another non-white making this ‘mistake’

WTH? That’s not funny in the slightest! The fact that your DH made light of it would really piss me off.

I hope his friends were made to be aware of what racist twats they were.

This is like when the presenters kids interrupted him and his (Asian) wife burst in horrified to collect them and even the mainstream media assumed she was the nanny.

People are dicks. And there is still a massive culture in some circles of having brown people as low paid servants, so they made assumptions based on experience. It sucks.

I’ve never mistaken someone for staff based on their skin Never, not even once. It’s not hard. And I get to stay in pretty fancy places with work these days.

Ugh. I'd have called them out on it straightaway with a 'sorry, who on earth do you think I am?' and made it very clear they were not welcome in my home. Racism is not to be tolerated.

Omg this proper made me cringe and that takes a lot! I hope they were suitably embarrassed, argh honestly I'm doing proper wince face imagining this!!! Sorry people can be such dicks OP.

Definitely prejudiced. How very white privilege of them. Do they think Britain still has an empire as well?

Awful just awful

isthatapugunicorn
Yes, for what it's worth me and my sister have NEVER had something like this happen before at work or otherwise. So it honestly seems like something out of a sitcom. DH opened his big mouth and said maybe it was because we were dressed in leggings and stuff and while the guests and DH were slightly more dressed up (we were in our glad rags, but DS decided to projectile vomit on us 10 mins before).

My sons partner was at home with me when a tradesman called to do some work. She is black. I am white. he referred to her as my au pair.
I am sure he would'nt have done this had she been white.
I think this was the first time that I realised what everyday low level racism and worse ethnic minorities have to contend with every day.

I'm sorry that some white British people are racist. I'm sorry that some people who are not white and British are also racist.

But just because some people are intolerant bigots or idiots isn't a reason to start assuming that all people sharing certain ethnic backgrounds are remotely the same. That would be kind of, well, racist, wouldn't it?

OP - your husbands friends are idiots. But I am kind of bemused what kind of "friends" one has who don't know anything about the person you married! If they are good enough friends to have kept in touch all this time, and want to meet up now he's back, didn't anyone know who he'd married? Now that would bother me more.

This isn't right.
Did they actually apologise? I mean like a proper apology?
I would make it clear to DH that I wouldn't want them back in my house.
But that's just me

I supposed the main issue is I don't think there's really anything to do. It doesn't seem like such a big deal, because I have my own friends and groups, so it's not like I'm going for lunch dates with them. But still???

Yeah it's dodgy (speaking as an asian with a white dh) but i think you can choose to be offended or choose to accept it as a mistake. I'm sure they were mortified when they realised their mistake. I would give them another chance.
Of course if anything like that were to happen again with the same people you have every right to use the word racist. With a capital R.
The only way anyone corrects their own prejudices is through learning. I expect you have just taught them a very valuable lesson!

It's incredibly racist.

Even if they didn't know who you were, why assume you're staff rather than friends?

I don't understand how your DH can defend this.

Moondust001

DH's close and "proper" friends know me and have met me. The gang at the door were mostly new colleagues and more distant friends.

I doubt they were mortified

The “choosing to be offended” thing is something my late father said to me often, but I don’t think it’s a choice. I think it’s seeing reality.

Is it seriously normal for them to have hired staff at a casual friend get together in general? I mean, that on this own would tell me that they are not my type of people.

That's so terrible. Hope they learned a lesson. I can truly believe that your husband doesn't think it's racist cause he doesn't have to experience it. This is so messed up.
Unfortunately it's quite common. One of my best friends is of Vietnamese decent. When she is out with other white people it's all fun, but if with other Asian women then always someone comes to ask for a price since they assume she is a prostitute. Why would Asian women otherwise be in a bar together?

Yup racist. Awful.