To think DH's friends are a bit racist???

[sallyballynally]

First post, because this is one of the most strange situations I've been in!

So, I'm Asian and DH is white. DH has started a fancy job and has a new load of friends and colleagues. We also recently moved back to the UK after living abroad for a while, so I hadn't met some of DH's friends. DH went to posh schools and his friends have £££ (this I think is relevant). Also all of them are white (also relevant I think). DH thought it would be fun to have a get together with his friends, co-workers and their kids. All fine.

So day of get together comes. My sister is staying with us and we were together at the back of the house, so when the doorbell rang DH was already at the doorstep with a whole load of people who had arrived in a group. Much hugging and laughs. So, me and my sister step forward to greet them with DS on my hip and DD trailing after me and two of the moms say to their kids "There, off you go with the nice lady!" Then, some other people start going to hand my sister their coats.

DH bursts out laughing and introduces us. Said people turned pink and were very awkward with me for the rest of the night.

I have made my displeasure known and DH reckons this is just a funny situation and I'm overreacting. I think it's dodgy as heck that this lot assumed that we were the help!!

How utterly cringeworthy and yes, racist. White arrogance at it's finest.

Of course they're racist! I can't see how anyone can describe their reaction to you as anything BUT racist. I'm so sorry you had to come across these horrible people OP, let alone have them in your home. I'm shocked that your DP finds it funny.

‘Choose’ to be offended. This wasn’t some random ignorant fool in a restaurant, this was your DH friends in your home and he’s not taking it seriously. He needs to think about this, he has dual heritage kids. Should they apologise for racists too as they go through life?

It's awful and I cringeworthy. Good advise from 1stmonkey

No way the same but I have many a time mistaken customers in shops as shop assistants regardless of ethnicity 😬

How fucking rude. I'd be livid.

My older half brother is mixed race, I'm white, and we get this a lot when together at parties or whatever. Loads of idiots refuse to believe we're related and assume he's a friend, friend of a friend, boyfriend or whatever

So sorry this happened to you. A lot of posh white Brits are racist. Sometimes you just have to teach people how you expect to be treated.
They will get it and you may even be friends with some of them one day.
Only if you feel like it though.

Twice I was asked if I was my daughters Nanny at her prep school. One of those was a teacher.

He has to work with them so can't actively call them out really, but I'm sure they now feel very silly, as they deserve to, and hopefully will never make that mistake again! Yanbu, they were definitely racist but don't blame your DH for it.

A few people taking offence at my "choose to be offended" comment!
So let me clarify.
What i mean is that i think it's clear they didn't intend to cause offence. Their ignorance and prejudice led to behaviour that was hurtful.
But OP has a choice to either accept it as a mistake (albeit one born of poor manners/attitude) or to believe it was done with malicious intent.
As some of you have said, they are OPs DHs friends who came to her home, i very much doubt they left their homes that day intending to upset their host.

I am white and grew up in quite a privileged area ... they are racist. The assumption was instant and obvious. And they knew they'd been caught out by their embarrassment.

It was a horrible thing to happen and I think it’s partly because the circle your DH now moves in comes across Asian staff a lot ( not the case up here in Yorkshire) but yes, they are racist
A friend of mine is Chinese but while her mum has pale skin she has inherited her dads darker skin, she says that when they visit HK or Singapore people assume she is her mums “help” so it’s not just white people. Doesn’t excuse it though

Some people are just rude anyway. My sis and BIL are v wealthy and the same happened to me a party they held. Bunch of people at the door. I was standing next to sis and as about 5 people piled in they virtually threw their coats at me. I am white. I just dropped coats and walked away hearing sis say “oh sorry, that’s my sister.” No one apologised to me or sis for assuming I was some sort of maid

Sorry I wouldn’t spend any more time with his ‘friends’.

Ask him if he’d be ROFL if his kids came home from uni and told him they’d regularly been mistaken for the Uber driver, catering staff or cleaner by their peers. There’s nothing wrong with these roles, they’re all respectable jobs but when someone mistakes you for someone doing that role based on the colour of your skin, they are telling you you’re their social inferior.

Your DH should be shaming his friends for not laughing. It’s racism pure and simple.

Please don’t think for a minute that this could be ANYTHING but rascism. It shows you how deep rooted their rascism is.

Racist A.F

I'd be seriously questioning how your DH sees you and your DC too.

Yes they are and your dh isnt helping with comments on what you were wearing

Horrible people.
How dare they assume anything about anybody based on their colour.
A slightly less insulting incident, but nonetheless, worth mentioning, I had my first child at 25 and looked young for my age then, whenever I was around at a certain friend's house it was often assumed by her friends that I was the nanny because I was at least a decade younger than the guests and happened to be Irish!

That’s bloody awful. Agree with poster upthread that you should ask your DH if he would still find it funny if the same thing happens to his kids in the future.

I don’t necessarily think they are racist - but they are obviously from that kind of “posh” entitled background where it is assumed that that there might be a nanny, housekeeper, who might be Asian.

Are his friends bankers, lawyers, etc? I work with people like that. They are not racist but have had very narrow privileged upbringings and still have a very different view of the world.

A person isn’t a little bit racist, they either are or aren’t. These people are.

I’m Irish and have been taken for staff before, and for the record do consider that racist... the more I move in posher circles the more it happens, including being taken for my own kid’s nanny!
NEVER happened in a private setting though, and as I am white I expect it never will...

That's awful. I would think your husband had no idea his 'friends' would behave like that as he hasn't known them long.

This is like when the presenters kids interrupted him and his (Asian) wife burst in horrified to collect them and even the mainstream media assumed she was the nanny.

Yes, my thoughts exactly.

Wow just wow. That is definitely racist.

I am Asian and don't look it, I frequently hear people make racist remarks and I always pull them up on it. Cue much embarrassment and justification of how they are not actually racist.

Unconscious bias too. You're Asian so of course you must be the help. Why else would you be there.

Whilst this is annoying and an awkward situation to be in I wouldn't make this a long term issue with your DH. Make your point and move on. They are his friends and at get togethers you can just focus on DC. Otherwise it will just cause friction.

But yes absolutely this is racist.

I am biracial and have sometimes been mistaken for not just a non-English carer, but a non English-speaking carer, when out with my white mum and when visiting a disabled friend. It is really annoying.