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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH's friends are a bit racist???

108 replies

sallyballynally · 06/08/2019 20:38

First post, because this is one of the most strange situations I've been in!

So, I'm Asian and DH is white. DH has started a fancy job and has a new load of friends and colleagues. We also recently moved back to the UK after living abroad for a while, so I hadn't met some of DH's friends. DH went to posh schools and his friends have £££ (this I think is relevant). Also all of them are white (also relevant I think). DH thought it would be fun to have a get together with his friends, co-workers and their kids. All fine.

So day of get together comes. My sister is staying with us and we were together at the back of the house, so when the doorbell rang DH was already at the doorstep with a whole load of people who had arrived in a group. Much hugging and laughs. So, me and my sister step forward to greet them with DS on my hip and DD trailing after me and two of the moms say to their kids "There, off you go with the nice lady!" Then, some other people start going to hand my sister their coats.

DH bursts out laughing and introduces us. Said people turned pink and were very awkward with me for the rest of the night.

I have made my displeasure known and DH reckons this is just a funny situation and I'm overreacting. I think it's dodgy as heck that this lot assumed that we were the help!!

OP posts:

ilovewinterpansies · 06/08/2019 21:34

It is awful to assume that you're the help.

But this has happened to me when at an Indian wedding (I'm mixed white and Chinese).....a guest asked me for some sparkling water. I told her they were on the tray in the corner and if she wanted more I'm sure a waiter/waitress could help.

She was mortified. I was slightly offended but I guess she just saw me as someone of a different race who probably wasn't a wedding guest because the vast majority were Indian (despite my smart clothes, but whatever).

Not excusable OP. But don't hate them forever, they are clearly embarrassed enough.

I think I'd have more of an issue with someone handing a coat to "staff" assuming they'd take it.

Original poster

sallyballynally · 06/08/2019 21:34

@Rachelover40
Yes, he really hasn't. The thing about DH is he's quite popular and so has loads of "friends" that he really isn't properly close to. Also, although he has talks about me at work, I don't have a name that would specify my ethnicity. In future, I won't agree to parties where he's invited all and sunder.

@Notcontent
Yes, the kind of people DH knows are the type who have nannies, au pairs, go to boarding school etc. We did go to a birthday party where all the kids were minded by the family's nanny, so this is the order of matters I suppose.

OP posts:

RosaWaiting · 06/08/2019 21:38

pink how did things go after that?

I’d also have massive rage at them practically throwing coats at someone who was staff. These people....I used to know one, but I ditched her for a range of reasons!

wildcherries · 06/08/2019 21:38

That's fucking awful and DH is not being at all helpful with his comments. This is not a joking matter. I'd be both furious and upset.

Winterlife · 06/08/2019 21:40

It was racist, but I also assume they don't have POC in their friendship circles, perhaps not so much out of choice, but rather, exposure.

I would give it a pass. Perhaps knowing an Asian woman will change their perspectives, with time.

RosaWaiting · 06/08/2019 21:42

OP “The thing about DH is he's quite popular and so has loads of "friends" that he really isn't properly close to”

This is a really interesting point because my late father was the same and also would tell me not to choose to take offence.

I like to have fewer people in my life, if you know a lot of them, there will be more arses I guess. That’s certainly true of some of dad’s contacts but I don’t think of people like that as friends.

I couldn’t do entertaining people as someone’s partner but I guess at a certain level of seniority, it’s a norm?

chickenyhead · 06/08/2019 21:43

This is in many ways one of the worst types of racism. Why would the colour of anybody's skin determine their position in anything at all.

I do think however that all cultures have internal inherent racism, no matter how well intentioned.

However, if I was going to my friends house and expecting to meet his wife, I would assume that that was the woman behind him coming towards the door.

urbansprawl · 06/08/2019 21:44

Yes, racist. I might be willing to consider that they didn't mean to make a concerted effort to be racist, but their actions betrayed them.

Part of the problem we have in the UK (I reckon) is that in certain circles it's more of a faux pas to point out that behaviour is racist than it is is to actually BE racist. It's incredible.

If they are generally good people who were ashamed of their behaviour and willing to try to own and overcome their prejudices (and we all have them), maybe they are worth some of your time. But you don't owe them anything.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/08/2019 21:48

Yes, they are racist. But it's lazy, stupid unthinking racism rather than malice. There are quite a lot of people like this in the UK, mainly those who have just never met anyone who isn't white (there are quite a lot of places in the UK where there are very few BAME people) and are therefore stuck in an outdated, narrow-minded bubble.

chickenyhead · 06/08/2019 21:52

I could buy in to that but they have TVs and read the news surely?

I thought that the world was evolving.

Hepzibar · 06/08/2019 21:52

Their entitlement is astounding. And DH not immediately calling them out on this is equally astonishing.

I suspect this is a nail in the coffin of your relationship OP, likely it's not the first.

Wonder what he'd think to people having same reaction to your DC's?

I cannot imagine a situation where I wouldn't immediately call someone out on this behaviour.

So sorry OP

RosaWaiting · 06/08/2019 21:59

urban what sort of circles please?

chicken my experience with racism is things are going backwards. In the immediate local area where I grew up, there were only two non while families and I reckon there was less racism there in the 90s than now.

Yabbers · 06/08/2019 22:06

A person isn’t a little bit racist, they either are or aren’t. These people are.

Isn’t there a difference between someone who ignorantly makes an assumption based on race, and someone who actively refuses to, say, employ or date or live next to someone of a different race? Or who puts on a hood and carries a torch?

Both are racist, both wrong, but I think the hooded guy would be deemed more racist, no?

angell84 · 06/08/2019 22:10

That is not nice. I think that the more important point is that your husband is taking their side. That is weird. He should see that it is wrong

Nothingcomesforfree · 06/08/2019 22:10

The thing is they assumed there were people taking coats and “ help” with the kids.

Young people of any colour , Eastern Europeans or other nationalities are likely to be the help. That’s not racist or ageist surely? It’s just an assumption based on experience. Every country I’ve been to has staff typically of whichever group of people wants the work - including actors in LA, posh students in Hampshire etc.

The fact they expect paid help when they come to dinner is more of a worry.

Yabbers · 06/08/2019 22:13

I have made my displeasure known and DH reckons this is just a funny situation and I'm overreacting

His friends were dicks. But I think your DH is a bigger problem. Isn’t it the ultimate in white privilege to insist your non white partner shouldn’t be offended by something they deem racist?

He needs to be on your side whether he sees the problem or not.

chickenyhead · 06/08/2019 22:14

I have been lucky to grow up in london where there is a good mix of cultures.

I have frequently considered moving to a more rural area but the implications for my DC has always stopped me. I want them to accept all people as they are, not try to fit them in boxes limited by their own expectations.

Yabbers · 06/08/2019 22:15

Young people of any colour , Eastern Europeans or other nationalities are likely to be the help. That’s not racist or ageist surely?

Yes. Yes it is.

Sceptre86 · 06/08/2019 22:17

It is not so much their actions that are offensive ( not trying to minimise their racist behaviour)but your dh's reaction to it. Thankfully you are unlikely to socialise with them so wont be subject to their views but how dare your dh laugh it off. I would be more annoyed at him tbh clearly they are ignorant and have never met you. However, your dh is your partner and if it is ok to subject you to that kind of behaviour what about your kids? Yanbu to be upset and I would try to explain it to your dh in a calm way so he can understand your feelings.

Nothingcomesforfree · 06/08/2019 22:30

Yabbersthey assumed staff were helping. That’s the circles they move in.
The fact that it’s just a family dinner is the issue, with no staff is the problem. In my circles, teenage kids take the coats etc to be helpful and do the drinks.

Userwhatevernumber · 06/08/2019 22:31

I’m black, and some years ago, my best friends got married abroad, I flew out with them as I was their bridesmaid.
My friend (the groom) is white South African (he is not in the slightest bit racist) and his family flew out from south Africa to the country where the wedding was taking place. When they came to meet us - the uncle exclaimed loudly “Oh you brought your housekeeper?!” my friend (the bride) said, “no! That’s my bridesmaid and our best friend!” The Uncle and aunt were were shocked, but did not apologise or even rectify their mishap. The groom was very embarrassed and angry with his family and he did have words with them in private afterwards, and apparently they had defended themselves saying, “well how were we to know you were friends with a black?” and the aunt and uncle did not talk to me the entire week of the wedding holiday.

Some people are still racist. It’s ugly, and has no place anywhere.

AquaPris · 06/08/2019 22:34

I wouldn't dump him but that's really bad of them...

angell84 · 06/08/2019 22:45

I am dual nationality. I am white. Half English. And I have had hurtful comments said about each country so so many times.
About being English:
The English are all murdering bastards
The English are horrible nasty and cold
English people are basically evil personified - who have ruined most the world.
It actually made me afraid to reveal the English half of my heritage for a long time because I knew the abuse that I would get (while living abroad)

Yabbers · 06/08/2019 22:47

they assumed staff were helping. That’s the circles they move in.

That doesn’t make it ok. It is still racist to assume someone of a different nationality is “the help”

AlexandPea · 06/08/2019 22:48

Utterly bizarre for many reasons, not least:

(1) for randomly assuming that a nanny of the hosts would be looking after their kids too;
(2) to not notice that your DC were of mixed heritage and guess you or your sister are their mother.
(3) to all be wearing coats in Summer.

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