To think DH's friends are a bit racist???

[sallyballynally]

First post, because this is one of the most strange situations I've been in!

So, I'm Asian and DH is white. DH has started a fancy job and has a new load of friends and colleagues. We also recently moved back to the UK after living abroad for a while, so I hadn't met some of DH's friends. DH went to posh schools and his friends have £££ (this I think is relevant). Also all of them are white (also relevant I think). DH thought it would be fun to have a get together with his friends, co-workers and their kids. All fine.

So day of get together comes. My sister is staying with us and we were together at the back of the house, so when the doorbell rang DH was already at the doorstep with a whole load of people who had arrived in a group. Much hugging and laughs. So, me and my sister step forward to greet them with DS on my hip and DD trailing after me and two of the moms say to their kids "There, off you go with the nice lady!" Then, some other people start going to hand my sister their coats.

DH bursts out laughing and introduces us. Said people turned pink and were very awkward with me for the rest of the night.

I have made my displeasure known and DH reckons this is just a funny situation and I'm overreacting. I think it's dodgy as heck that this lot assumed that we were the help!!

Racist.
And even if they only made the mistake for non-racist reasons due to the way you were dressed (unlikely) they're still incredibly rude.
"Go with the nice lady..."
Even if you knew for a fact that someone was a childminder, to not introduce yourself and to talk about rather than to them is immensely dickish and spoilt.

Awfully cringe-worthy racism... i don't agree with an earlier pp who said you could 'choose to be offended' - It's blatantly offensive (spoken as a mixed-race Asian/Brit who's definitely chosen to be offended all those times i've been offended) Lazy/assumptive entitlement... And your DH??

It is racist and I am really disappointed in your husband for not seeing it for what it is and standing up for you.

Sounds like a bunch of unusually wealthy people who have never lived in the real world, and happen to be very unpleasant with it. I would be upset in your shoes and your DH should take your feelings seriously.

Your dh shouldn't be making excuses for his friend's racist assumption. Does he usually seem like he cares about equality?

Spectacularly racist and very weird. Why would you 1) assume anyone answering the door was staff, and 2) give them your kids to look after? Is that even a thing?

“, they were definitely racist but don't blame your DH for it.”

Of course he can’t be blamed for their racist assumptions but I would be pretty pissed off with his assessment that it was a funny mistake. He needs to understand what his Dw deals with and be
Honest about that. He needs to know the world that his mixed race kids are growing up in. Being in denial about that level of crass racist assumption demonstrated ignorant complacency.

“But OP has a choice to either accept it as a mistake (albeit one born of poor manners/attitude) or to believe it was done with malicious intent.”

The racism is in their behaviour, their prejudicial assumptions based on race. It is not defined by the level of hurt or offence the OP takes. It was racist even if she had not heard them. It doesn’t have to be malicious in intent to be racist.

It wasn’t ‘manners’ it was a racist assumption.

I think it was racist, and possibly ageist (if you look younger than your husband); but could possibly have been slightly mitigated if your dress was v v casual and they were all v v dressed up- but even then it's unconscious racism.