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Original poster

To think DH's friends are a bit racist???

108 replies

sallyballynally · 06/08/2019 20:38

First post, because this is one of the most strange situations I've been in! Confused

So, I'm Asian and DH is white. DH has started a fancy job and has a new load of friends and colleagues. We also recently moved back to the UK after living abroad for a while, so I hadn't met some of DH's friends. DH went to posh schools and his friends have £££ (this I think is relevant). Also all of them are white (also relevant I think). DH thought it would be fun to have a get together with his friends, co-workers and their kids. All fine.

So day of get together comes. My sister is staying with us and we were together at the back of the house, so when the doorbell rang DH was already at the doorstep with a whole load of people who had arrived in a group. Much hugging and laughs. So, me and my sister step forward to greet them with DS on my hip and DD trailing after me and two of the moms say to their kids "There, off you go with the nice lady!" Shock Then, some other people start going to hand my sister their coats.

DH bursts out laughing and introduces us. Said people turned pink and were very awkward with me for the rest of the night. Hmm

I have made my displeasure known and DH reckons this is just a funny situation and I'm overreacting. I think it's dodgy as heck that this lot assumed that we were the help!!

OP posts:
Nothingcomesforfree · 06/08/2019 22:48

So if you live in a diverse community who would give your coat to?

My guess is that most people would wait to be told because we don’t give our coats to staff.

angell84 · 06/08/2019 22:48

I am still shocked that your DH does not see your point of view.
That is accepting racism. He is standing ip for racism

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2019 22:49

I think you should have your husband read this thread. I'm sure he's a lovely person, but he has no clue what people of colour deal with. And I say this as a white woman who can't possibly fully understand. He thinks it's "no big deal." It IS a big deal and it made you feel horrible, IN YOUR OWN HOME, which is completely unacceptable. In your home or not.

Yabbers · 06/08/2019 22:53

I have frequently considered moving to a more rural area but the implications for my DC has always stopped me. I want them to accept all people as they are, not try to fit them in boxes limited by their own expectations.

I grew up rurally. Everyone was white except one adopted girl in my year. There were nothing ethnically diverse about the area. “Incomers” were people who hadn’t lived in the area for 30 years.

I managed perfectly well to grow up accepting people for who they are. I can’t even think it was anything my parents instilled in to me as they still have some of that generational attitude to ethnic minorities (which I challenge regularly)

Even in a white community you will have some differences though. Gay people, people with disabilities, folk of different religions etc, plenty of opportunity for children to learn about difference and acceptance.

dollydaydream114 · 06/08/2019 22:57

Young people of any colour , Eastern Europeans or other nationalities are likely to be the help. That’s not racist or ageist surely? It’s just an assumption based on experience.

I'm afraid that is absolutely racist and ageist, yes. Sorry to break the news.

Utterly bizarre for many reasons, not least:
(3) to all be wearing coats in Summer.

Not sure where you are, but it's been chucking it down with rain on and off for about a week across most of the UK (Whaley Bridge, anyone?), so I don't think it's particularly implausible that some (the OP said some, not all) people might have had jackets on.

Nothingcomesforfree · 06/08/2019 23:06

Yabbers I disagree. Eastern Europeans aren’t a race.

Nothingcomesforfree · 06/08/2019 23:07

Sorry that should have beendollydaydream

chickenyhead · 06/08/2019 23:12

I wouldn't give my coat to anyone, I would hang it up or carry it. I am not so far up my own behind as to expect someone of any race/age/sex to be subservient to me.

DocusDiplo · 06/08/2019 23:17

Oh my god, I am sorry that happened to you. Quite odd your DH is defending their rudeness. Hope you can become friendly with them, try making up a fancy school and make up a really priveleged backstory for yourself to see if they like you more!

Pillowcased · 06/08/2019 23:20

Awful, OP, and your DH is minimising the (unconscious, but no less blameworthy) racist assumptions of his friends.

(@isthatapugunicorn, I had exactly the same experience. I’m working-class and Irish and came to this country to go to Oxford, where I made some friends from wealthy UC backgrounds. I went home with one in the vac and her parents’ dinner party guests assumed I was the hired help. Apparently I just didn’t code as an Oxford undergraduate and likely friend of the daughter of the house.)

oabiti · 06/08/2019 23:26

How awful for you. So before you'd even opened your mouth, they'd made assumptions based on your looks, alone.

It's extremely narrow-minded of them. But the truth is, whether you like it or not, that years ago, we were 'the help'. Yes, times have changed but people's attitudes definitely haven't. But their assumptions aren't based on a myth. They are based on what was reality.

And before you all froth at the mouth, I'm in no way excusing their behaviour. Far from it.

I hope you're okay, OP. How awful for you.

Nothingcomesforfree · 06/08/2019 23:27

To be honest why isn’t anyone more concerned it’s sexist?

Because this isn’t about being an Asian or a black man is it.

justilou1 · 06/08/2019 23:29

I am actually incredulous. I can't imagine how you must have felt having this happen - in your own home - and to have your own husband deny that these people were racist. I'm speechless.

Sparklesocks · 06/08/2019 23:31

Christ, they sound awful. I’m sorry DP doesn’t seem to get it.

managedmis · 06/08/2019 23:32

Did they not figure it out anyway from your biracial kids? Are they that dumb?

Mollypolly2610 · 06/08/2019 23:43

Works the other way too. Lived in the Middle East and I had a landline problem (many years ago). Local man came to fix it and demanded money at the door, I said no it’s free service. We had been at a party the night before and my husband had dressed as a local and his “local dress” was on the chair near the phone. (He had already gone to work). The telephone man saw the local dress and couldn’t apologize enough!!

EugenesAxe · 06/08/2019 23:55

So many good points - I agree with Aquamarine’s ‘incredible’, and Moondust’s ‘what kind of friend doesn’t know anything about who they’re married to?’

Your comment:
But surely normal people don't see non-white people and think they're staff????

I entirely agree with! I am so amazed anyone could lazily come to this conclusion. It’s very upsetting, frankly.

Straightalkinggal · 07/08/2019 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oswin · 07/08/2019 00:10

Nothing of course it's bloody racist to look at someone and decide they are obviously "the help" because of their ethnicity.
How can you think it's not Confused

Oswin · 07/08/2019 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quoted a deleted post.

flirtygirl · 07/08/2019 00:21

straightalkinggal is straight talking racist.

Because of course everyone coloured who complains is taken seriously.

Yabbers · 07/08/2019 07:02

I disagree. Eastern Europeans aren’t a race.
🙄

Tellmetruth4 · 07/08/2019 07:31

Don’t let the blatant troll derail the thread. It’s so obvious it’s more eye roll worthy than reaction worthy.

GiveMeHope103 · 07/08/2019 07:35

Sorry you had to go through that. What type of people have that mentality except racists. And besides who has butlers/house servants these days.??
If they saw you carrying your ds who did they think he was.
Your dh brushing this off tells you he is very much of their type.

PixieLumos · 07/08/2019 07:47

Yes that’s completely unacceptable and it is racist - but also says a lot about their upbringing and way of life. Putting race to one side for the moment, never have I just presumed to hand someone a coat unless they’ve said ‘can I take your coat?’. I don’t think I could get on well with people like that.