To ask you all for practical reasons to stay away from MM

[PleaseHelpM3]

Hello

As the title suggests, I've been a bit. Met someone, he pursed me, very romantic, flirty, sexual. We had sex. He then, while I'm naked him bed, goes off to message his wife. He tells me this only now for the first time, post sex.

To my shame I slept with him once more, but have now ended it. But I'm struggling.

Please can you all tell me practical reasons why I need to stay away. Believe it or not I have actually been ill with guilt regarding his wife. But I worry he is my only chance at happiness.

Morally, I know I need to stay away. But it transpires I'm a bigger arsehole than I ever thought possible so please tell me the practical, self-serving reasons. Like he's a liar and a good one. And about Christmas. And that the background is he found me at a low point and used that to his advantage. Tell me even though I love his smell I can just walk into a shop and buy that smell for myself.

Please convince me the best 4 weeks of my life have actually been the worst.

My sincere apologies to all betrayed wives.

I can totally relate to that anxiety of wondering if someone will contact you. You have done the right thing! Every day that you block him (and make no contact) makes you stronger until eventually he will just be a blip in your past. Be aware that if he is really manipulative, he will try other ways to get hold of you and get the power balance back in their favour (please don’t confuse this with him caring about you however). The important thing is to carry on ignoring ignoring ignoring until he becomes a faint blip in your past, and you realise barely ever think about him.

Well done for putting a stop to this. I’m sure you weren’t the first time he cheated and even more sure you won’t be the last.

When you are berating yourself for this try and bear in mind that even though this was very wrong it needn’t define you. It was a mistake you made and you have leaned from it.

@Emmapeeler did you go through something like this? How long did it take before it was a blip?

I'm nervous. I might break. I'm stuck thinking I'm shit so he's all I deserve.

I need to tell myself I think I deserve better and prove that to myself by staying away.

I know what you mean

The man I almost got entangled with I have since found out absolutely dotes on his wife very openly and grandly

Not so keen to shout about wanting sex elsewhere though

This is why you need to go back to therapy...

Had a therapy session yesterday. It helped. But in a practical sense how do you get self esteem? Is it to do with how you speak to yourself and regard yourself?

What was the excuse he gave his wife did he tell you? It sounds like he planned it all from the start

Yes - but it’s also exploring with your therapist why your self-esteem is so low - identifying patterns in your behaviour, lessons you may have learned in childhood, etc. What sort of therapy is it?

@pinkoneblueone it was an excuse related to his work, totally plausible and totally fits it with him then messaging her to maintain contact in her eyes. He's so obviously done this before.

My childhood is the classic half a man is better than no man approach, embedded from an early age, reinforced in my teenage years. I'm fucked aren't I.

I'm fucked aren't I

Absolutely not. You’ve already broken the cycle.

I know we’re meant to be stroking your hair now at being so strong and all, but did you really let this specimen shag you with his bare penis? That is absolutely disgusting beyond words. Do you bother with pregnancy-preventing contraception yourself? Or just a free for all re. conceiving and sharing disgusting diseases? 🤮🤮🤮

Males who commit adultery have a ‘thing’ where they often use their current lover as a masturbatory aid, then have sex with their wife when they go home. ‘Double dipping’, the genuinely filthiness of it gives them a feeling of power.

Was it the I have to work late chestnut then?

You are not screwed in anyway you are intent on stopping this which means you've recognised that it's not the right thing to do. Battling emotions is hard and does take time.

I think you get self esteem partly from treating others with kindness and respect, who deserve it like his wife. It starts from having standards for yourself and others.