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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you all for practical reasons to stay away from MM

141 replies

PleaseHelpM3 · 06/08/2019 17:32

Hello

As the title suggests, I've been a bit. Met someone, he pursed me, very romantic, flirty, sexual. We had sex. He then, while I'm naked him bed, goes off to message his wife. He tells me this only now for the first time, post sex.

To my shame I slept with him once more, but have now ended it. But I'm struggling.

Please can you all tell me practical reasons why I need to stay away. Believe it or not I have actually been ill with guilt regarding his wife. But I worry he is my only chance at happiness.

Morally, I know I need to stay away. But it transpires I'm a bigger arsehole than I ever thought possible so please tell me the practical, self-serving reasons. Like he's a liar and a good one. And about Christmas. And that the background is he found me at a low point and used that to his advantage. Tell me even though I love his smell I can just walk into a shop and buy that smell for myself.

Please convince me the best 4 weeks of my life have actually been the worst.

My sincere apologies to all betrayed wives.

OP posts:

sparkles07 · 06/08/2019 20:11

He's a self centred lieing creep and you can do so much better! You can never trust him. Look how natural lieing comes to him!!

tolerable · 06/08/2019 20:36

oh you silly woman.the best four weeks of your life was with a mm who is honestenough to tell you he buys his wife lovely gifts while you visualise a lifetime of what? honestly.ltry ann summer,love honey and...volunteering.apparently that fixes everything.allegedly.blow your own mind and be arsehole levels of self important cos that sweetness is a hundred million times better than shoddyshite from snakeybaws who litterally offers nothing. take up masturbation you can do anyone you want guilt free.change your number.you are better off with a new one.dont sell yourself short.x

SlinkyDogDash · 06/08/2019 20:52

OP its simple. Tell him if he wants to see you again it has to be once he has moved out from the marital home. If he believes it to be true love like you do then he will. If hes been spinning you lines and using you then he wont.

Sorry, hes a complete prick and likely has pulled this trick on many unsuspecting women. I hope you leave him and find someone decent.

Emmapeeler · 06/08/2019 20:58

It's almost like he wants you to feel worthless: telling you just after sex when you're at your most vulnerable, telling you about treats and stuff he does for his wife

Agreed.

itsnotawatercat · 06/08/2019 21:08

It's not real. It's easy for him to make you happy in the short term as he can tell you what you want to hear - perhaps not regarding his wife, but regarding what he thinks of you / lavishing you with praise or whatever it is he's doing to make you feel happy.

But whatever it is, it's not genuine. Delete him from your phone, block him everywhere you know him. Tell him you'll tell his wife if he contacts you again, and mean it.

Maybe you should tell his wife anyway. I'd want to know.

Original poster

PleaseHelpM3 · 06/08/2019 21:11

Thank you all. I've read every reply so far and will continue to do so.

A few thoughts:
The anger directed at me is just. And deserved. And far more lenient than I deserve. I've had to come here as I'm too ashamed to tell anyone IRL. My closest friends would rightly disown me. We/he dressed this up as exciting and so bloody wonderful that no one else would understand. So yeah even I can see how he'd take what he can get from an idiot like me.

Since I ended it he has asked to see me 3 times. Making me say no. And I initially felt bad saying no, worried I'd hurt him. I know now he isn't even listening to me never mind respecting me.

The issue with telling me about his wife straight after sex when I was naked and vulnerable is interesting as some of you have highlighted. The sordid second and final time we had sex I wasn't even naked (Sorry tmi) as I think he'd really fucked with my self image by then. So yeah, wank sock indeed.

And for me one of the worst parts is now waiting for my sexual health screening which I've booked. If it wouldn't impact on his wife I'd wish for every disease I deserve.

Thank you all sincerely. Chance of happiness? I can see clearly now he's ruined my bloody summer.

OP posts:

MzHz · 06/08/2019 21:35

Only if you let him.

It’s up to you.

Do the right thing

Namingetiquette · 06/08/2019 21:48

I'm sorry you realised this too late OP

I suggest you seek therapy to find out why you feel deep down to be worth so little as to do this. You deserve a partner that is only yours and cares about you fully, not a man who just sees you as his life-like blow up doll. The man you have slept with has no morals, so it's impossible for him to give a fuck about anyone. He will be misery to anyone he is with.

didijustsaythat · 06/08/2019 21:56

We all deserve happiness Op. I hope you find it elsewhere

Original poster

PleaseHelpM3 · 06/08/2019 22:41

It's definitely a self-worth thing. And perhaps the first time I was delighted with the attention then the second time, when I did actually know about his wife I maybe wanted to shit all over her, a totally innocent party, to make myself feel better. It didn't, lesson learned.

I'm trying to remind myself that he found me, the context in which we actually met, made my vulnerability very apparent. I called it off as part of addressing this personal vulnerability and he hasn't wanted the best for me by "letting me go".

Trying to remind myself that it would be ideal for him if I went forward thinking my happiness was linked to him.

Trying to remind myself he's asked me for sex 3 times since I ended it, but radio silence tonight after telling me he's with his wife.

Trying to remember that he was blatant and told me a lot of negative things about himself after the first time we had sex and after he told me about his wife and I clearly gave the green light instead of chop his balls off. He must've thought he'd won the lottery after doing all of that and I still went back for more.

Christ, wtf is wrong with me!

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 06/08/2019 23:54

You don’t only get one chance at happiness.
Affairs are shit for everyone, he ‘d get the best deal, but it would still be shit.

Original poster

PleaseHelpM3 · 07/08/2019 06:33

Thank you all.

I think the part I really need to focus in is the cycle of misery he started. He pursued me knowing he had a wife, I was in the dark at that point. Once he told me he actively took steps to make me feel even more worthless than an OW already does by default.

He worked to a plan. I can see I have clearly not been the first.

Thank you, this thread has helped.

OP posts:

waterrat · 07/08/2019 06:48

Op if you think this man is your only chance of happiness ..you need to have therapy and look at your own issues and lack of self confidence

Original poster

PleaseHelpM3 · 07/08/2019 07:06

I know. I am actually starting some therapy sessions in the near future. If I'm completely honest this is a major factor that prompted me to end it. I knew if I "got better" with him on the scene I'd forever cement my recovery to him and not me.

I think I've felt so worthless that I've attracted this man, and while other (more suitable, unattached, better likely to make me actually happy) men have probably been aware of my situation and kept away for many good reasons, by attracting this married man I've thought it's only him who wants me, he's my only chance. If he was my chance he would be altering his life completely for me as those upthread have said. Instead he's laid the blue print for me really be told anything in a way that means either I normalise things from the outset or I feel so low I then delight in any crumbs tossed my way. That he's almost delighted in his "honesty with me, so that I can basically be given the full picture of what he does, has sewn me up like a kipper.

I have also been reading a lot of the impact of an affair on the innocent party. To my surprise, many psychologists actually believe keeping an ended affair a secret is the kindest thing because a final cruelty would be inflicting untold pain on someone just to alleviate my guilt. Is this me just not fully accepting my role in this shitty behaviour?
PS I'm aware of how self absorbed I'm coming across. Again, no one to talk to in RL so it's all pouring out here. Sorry

OP posts:

GoFiguire · 07/08/2019 07:26

Contact the wife and ask her if you gave her the STI or whether she gave it to you.

SimplySteveRedux · 07/08/2019 07:34

Please can you all tell me practical reasons why I need to stay away.

Dolphinnoises · 07/08/2019 07:36

Oh love. Your closest friends would not disown you. Do you really think that?

End it. Tell him calling his wife in front of you was disgusting and you’re only sorry it took you so long to realise this. Tell him to delete your number from his phone in front of you. Then delete his number, block it, and if he has emailed you in the past direct your email provider to delete his emails at server level so you don’t see them. Then go for some counselling so you have someone to keep talking to about this until the feelings pass.

Original poster

PleaseHelpM3 · 07/08/2019 08:32

If my friends and family knew their trust and faith in me would be completely broken. Even if in time they socialised with me again things could never be the same.

My actions have changed the course of my life forever. Even going forward I'd always wonder if someone was like me, behaving like I did.

OP posts:

Angrybird123 · 07/08/2019 08:44

See now I think you'reoverthinking this. It's terribly dramatic and exciting to be involved in something like this, even when it's gone wrong. It's dead simple. You feel a bit low, you get some attention and liked it. You've reasonably quickly realised it was a mistake and ended it. Job done, walk away. You don't need hours of expensive therapy to work this out. We all like feeling wanted, like we're preferred over another. I get what you said about the second shag.. So urgent, you needed each other so much a quick fuck on the desk or in the car was suddenly dramatic and sexy instead of sordid and sad. But you get it, you've said you do, so stop investing in the drama now. It was one month of your life. Shake it off, don't 'confess' all to everyone you can think of so you can have all their attention for a bit. You saw a guy for a bit, turns out he was a twat. Next. I'm not saying this to be mean to you.. I actually think youve done well to see the light and step away but keep going. This doesn't have to be some huge life altering thing for anyone. As for telling the wife.. If you do have an std then tell him and give him the chance but tell her if he doesn't. Otherwise just stay away.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 07/08/2019 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 07/08/2019 09:41

...oops, totally wrong thread. Reported self!

But OP, I'm with angrybirds, don't make this into a huge life altering drama. You got briefly snowed by a sleaze during a low period, you found out how much of a sleaze, you broke it off. You aren't scum, you aren't the first and you sure as hell won't be the last. Like dodgy estate agents, sleazes are everywhere and fundamentally all the same. Let it go.

Pillowcased · 07/08/2019 09:45

I can't believe estate agents are trying to pass off Park Royal as "Haymills" grin they truly have no shame.

I think this is the best comment on the OP's predicament.

Seriously, OP -- this man tricked you into bed and then did 'Ta-DAH! I've got a wife! Surprise!' when you were still naked in bed, and he still thinks you're easy enough for a spot of NSA sex after you rightly ditched him, and you STILL think he's your one chance at happiness?

Keep working on your self-esteem. This man is a pig who is treating you as a convenient wank sock, as a pp said -- it is not a tragic Romeo and Juliet/doomed love affair.

Acrasia · 07/08/2019 10:01

If he actively pursued you then you are probably not the only other woman he’s stringing along, as well as his wife.

Dandeliontea123 · 07/08/2019 10:08

Maybe even write yourself a letter from your ‘future self’ (sounds weird, but it can help) telling yourself that you are glad you trusted your instinct, asked for support, and walked away from this man.

M0RVEN · 07/08/2019 10:13

@PleaseHelpM3

Can I ask if this man is in any type of professional relationship with you? Eg teacher or lecturer, line manager or anyone senior to you at work, therapist, counsellor , any kind of health care professional , mentor, sponsor or supervisor in a charity.

How old are you both?

I’m wondering because you say that the circumstances in which you met made it clear that you were vulnerable.

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