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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you all for practical reasons to stay away from MM

141 replies

PleaseHelpM3 · 06/08/2019 17:32

Hello

As the title suggests, I've been a bit. Met someone, he pursed me, very romantic, flirty, sexual. We had sex. He then, while I'm naked him bed, goes off to message his wife. He tells me this only now for the first time, post sex.

To my shame I slept with him once more, but have now ended it. But I'm struggling.

Please can you all tell me practical reasons why I need to stay away. Believe it or not I have actually been ill with guilt regarding his wife. But I worry he is my only chance at happiness.

Morally, I know I need to stay away. But it transpires I'm a bigger arsehole than I ever thought possible so please tell me the practical, self-serving reasons. Like he's a liar and a good one. And about Christmas. And that the background is he found me at a low point and used that to his advantage. Tell me even though I love his smell I can just walk into a shop and buy that smell for myself.

Please convince me the best 4 weeks of my life have actually been the worst.

My sincere apologies to all betrayed wives.

OP posts:

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 07/08/2019 10:17

No sympathy at all, you shagged him again after you found out he was married. That's fucking terrible!!

DPotter · 07/08/2019 10:32

Last time I checked - a few seconds ago - there was more than one man in the world, so he's definitely not your only chance of happiness.
The way you have described things, sounds like he stalked you. What a horrible man. Definitely not worthy to be the love of your life.
Don't even bother to tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. Block his number, de-friend him and move on

Original poster

PleaseHelpM3 · 07/08/2019 11:51

Again, the anger directed towards me is both justified and more lenient than I deserve.

The estate agent comment made me genuinely belly laugh. So thank you.

And with regards to the context we met, although I don't think I was really aware of it at the time it was within the boundaries of a helper/person needing help relationship.

I really appreciate the time everyone had given this thread.

OP posts:

Dolphinnoises · 07/08/2019 14:37

I’ve been thinking a lot about this thread and it’s struck me that this is a form of grooming. He’s teaching you (and society, including some on this thread are enthusiastically agreeing) that you are worthless because you are involved with him. You feel you cannot tell your support network about him and cannot rely on them any more (sound familiar?) and the only person who will accept you as you are is... ta da!!! Him. So you feel you’re stuck, and not worthy of going elsewhere. Fuck that shit. He deceived you - and I bet he put quite a lot of effort into putting his leg over again as fast as possible so you were committed. He is a bad man. You are not a bad person, you have just made a bad choice but it does NOT need to dictate what you do next.

Original poster

PleaseHelpM3 · 07/08/2019 18:50

Thank you. I did actually think earlier (as I was re-reading the thread to keep me strong) that although not exactly what I'd call grooming as I'm a grown woman, he said and did a lot of very cruel things that planted the seed that this is all I'm worth.

Of course the worst thing he did was deceive his wife. I guess by default I immediately told myself he owes me nothing, so anything I did get I was grateful for. He told me one specific thing that I'm so embarrassed about I can't even type here but put it this way it wasn't exactly a term of endearment and definitely reinforced my place in the pecking order.

I'm so glad I posted to MN as everyone here talks so much honest sense.

Going forward I plan to use this as a valuable lesson and will hopefully look back and see he was indeed offering a life sentence as opposed to any happiness.

I'm now quite worried about the sexual health screening I have booked. The GUM clinic were very good and non judgemental but the person I spoke to did say something along the lines of, "You have to be really lucky not to catch something."

Note to self, a man who constantly tells you how good he is, probably isn't that good.

OP posts:

Longlongsummer · 07/08/2019 18:52

Yes my ex had a few affairs while I was pregnant. An std could have been life threatening to the unborn child.

It just goes to show how selfish a man like that can be.

fluffygown · 07/08/2019 18:58

Agree with @Dolphinnoises. He's using you purely for sex at a vulnerable time in your life. Please don't fall for it. He is a lying, cheating a-hole and has treated you (and his wife) terribly. No good will come out of seeing him. Block him and move on. You are worth more!

ReasonedCamper · 07/08/2019 19:28

No, you made a mistake, you got yourself out of it, learn from it, move on and enjoy the rest of the summer.

You are still the person you are, not bruised but much wiser and with greater self knowledge, which equals power.

He is responsible for his behaviour to his wife. It wasn’t good to sleep with him a second time , but he duped you the first time.

Move on, eyes forwards.

Beesandcheese · 07/08/2019 19:37

This is not a happy tale. He's a liar, you've been used, the wife would be upset. No winners. You can do a million times better. Honest

Beesandcheese · 07/08/2019 19:40

Aaaaand if you waste any more time or thought on this guy you might not notice a better one!

Original poster

PleaseHelpM3 · 07/08/2019 21:26

How come you guys are all so brilliant

OP posts:

Jillyhilly · 07/08/2019 22:14

He is a despicable character with no moral worth whatsoever and he clearly despises women.

If you could see him as the rest of us do without being all hung up on “the smell of him”, you would be utterly repulsed.

If you are serious about ending this - and if you aren’t serious about it then you also completely lack moral fibre - then you shouldn’t be in a position where he can contact you 3 times to ask if he can see you again. That simply prolongs the drama. Completely block him NOW, and focus on getting some therapy so you can better understand what has happened.

Dolphinnoises · 08/08/2019 07:11

Grooming absolutely does happen to grown women - it’s how women get caught up in domestic abuse. Think about whatever the awful put-you-in-your-place thing he said to you was every time you feel yourself weakening.

I think the GUM screening is a good idea but I’d take what the staff member said with a pinch of salt. You’re no more likely to have got something with this bloke than any other sexually active man. The only time I’ve been to one is when I had an ovarian cyst - my GP said they had the best local NHS gynaecologists. We wasted a good five minutes at the start of the consultation with the admin person doing the questionnaire refusing to believe I had been with my then partner for 3 years, and had only had one sexual partner in that time! I suspect working there skews your judgement a bit!

saffy1234 · 08/08/2019 07:58

Practical reasons?How about moral reasons or don't you have any.
If i were you I'd steer clear.

Original poster

PleaseHelpM3 · 08/08/2019 09:56

I've now deleted his info so I can't contact him and blocked so he can't contact me. I think because of this I woke up feeling lighter this morning as the anxiety that he MIGHT ask and I MIGHT give in has been removed. By me, which made me feel quite strong in a weird way.

My thoughts are still there. But without him on the scene they will pass. I'm also thinking slightly more sensibly.

Again, thank you so much all. Much appreciated.

OP posts:

NotSoFrankly · 08/08/2019 10:00

I recommend strenuous exercise. I've found running useful in circumstances where I've been unhappy or obsessive about something outside my control. Also, it tires you out physically and you get the benefit of endorphins.

daisyboocantoo · 08/08/2019 14:24

Well done on blocking him. That's a big step. Don't undo that!

SlinkyDogDash · 08/08/2019 14:56

Great news that you've blocked him OP. Dont give yourself such a hard time - he manipulated you, hes likely got plenty of experience of this. It's actually lucky hes married as you've been able to see through his bullshit really quickly, if he had been single youd probably have had years of his nonsense, as I expect his wife has.

messolini9 · 08/08/2019 15:58

But I worry he is my only chance at happiness.

Really?
You can only get a chance of happiness by associated with a man you know to be a liar, cheat, & arsehole?

You don't need a man right now @PleaseHelpM3 - you need some self-esteem. You need to learn how to give happiness to yourself, rather than looking to an outside source.

Happiness is fleeting. I prefer to aim for "a degree of contentment" & ensure that the means to that contentment is under my own control. For me it's dogs, the outdoors, a good book & the log burner, a bottle of wine with a close chum. Whatever your version of those small items of contentment are, keep doing them. Be mindful about how they make you feel. These small drops of contentment add up, & increase your self-reliance.

Here's a starting point for you - ideas.ted.com/5-ways-to-build-lasting-self-esteem/.

Forget this man.
Focus on yourself for a few months.
Somebody single, & kind, will appear in your life once you are more practiced at living with a more self-sustaining mindset.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 08/08/2019 16:04

But I worry he is my only chance at happiness

If you really believe this then you need to get yourself some self esteem counselling sessions!

Strawberrycreamsundae · 08/08/2019 16:05

But I worry he is my only chance at happiness
😳 what? A married sleazeball?
You seriously thought having sex with a married man would make you happy?
I'm struggling to understand how messing around with someone's husband would make anyone happy.

messolini9 · 08/08/2019 16:11

although not exactly what I'd call grooming as I'm a grown woman

Adults are also susceptible to grooming.
Try to look on this whole darn 4 weeks as a wake-up call.
You are on your way to a future when you can look back & say "that was a turning point in my life & I will never be used like that again."

And please get to work on that self-worth: you should be prioritising counselling as highly as a trip to the GUM clinic.

Good luck OP.

Original poster

PleaseHelpM3 · 08/08/2019 16:45

Thank you all. Now that I'm free of the anxiety that I might hear from him today, for some reason I keep thinking about the excuse he gave his wife the first time we met. It made perfect sense for his life, she'd never question it. That's bad isn't it, he's very well practised.

Feeling quite strong that I've cut contact. At least I did it now right?

Incidentally, does anyone know how long GUM clinic results take to be returned?

OP posts:

Pinkout · 08/08/2019 16:58

Results usually come back within a week, hoping you get the all clear. The person you spoke to sounds a little dramatic, I think most people come away unscathed. If nothing else, let this be a lesson to you RE condom usage!

I mostly feel sorry for his wife, I wonder if she has inclination she is married to such a dirty sleazebag. I’m aghast at him phoning her straight after fucking you then informing you he had done so! He has an ego the size of Jupiter.

Original poster

PleaseHelpM3 · 08/08/2019 17:02

I suppose the thing is she would never have reason to suspect because he was treating her so well, thoughtful things planned etc. Which he told me about. Reinforcing my role as the "Cool girl" who is like, yeah totally tell me all of this, I'm cool with it.

Fuck i feel like such a tit

OP posts:

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