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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying Keep

412 replies

Lee17 · 06/08/2019 17:23

Hi All,
My 16 yr old daughter has left school is earning now. She is on an Apprenticeship, which starts officially in September. She is earning about £130 a week at the minute, which may well go up if she does more hours. Now, I think it is reasonable for her to pay a little towards her keep. At the moment we are encouraging her to save half, which she is doing but when we mentioned keep she threw a wobbly. Is it reasonable to ask her to pay say £25 a week, then save half of the rest and have the other half to spend as she pleases? My husband and I were brought up to pay keep, many, many years ago! And back then in the early 80s, he was paying about £20 and I was about £15. Any advice please? I think they need to appreciate how long it takes to earn what they intend to spend and to evaluate the cost and if it is worth it. We pay for everything for her at the minute, apart from extra clothes and makeup. Thanks. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Keep or no Keep?

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/08/2019 09:26

But OP would have received CB for DD1 doing A levels. So she was giving Keep so to speak. It was just coming from a different source.

If DD2 has an issue with that she should take it up with the government.

Comefromaway · 07/08/2019 09:32

I think it is entirely reasonable for someone who will be working full time to pay towards their living costs especially as child benefit will stop.

My dd is 17 and is at college, she has been earning £15 per week from a part time job which will increase to £50 per week from September. So far I have not had anything from her but from September I will be decreasing her pocket money but will be still making sure that she is better off working than not working. She is earning £250 this week but I won't be taking any of that from her as it is a one off (she hasn't found any other work this summer) and she is saving it to put towards college expenses plus her travel expenses for the week are about £50.

I would make sure that she is able to keep enough of her income to cover travel, lunches & any other work related expenses then a disposable income of around £35-40 (as an adult on a good wage my disposable income is around £50 per week) so she gets used to the idea that your wage has to cover to living costs, you can't just spend it all.

Lllot5 · 07/08/2019 09:38

I would charge her keep.
Maybe suggest saving £50 then £25 rent still leave her with £55 a week to spend. Plenty I would say.

notapizzaeater · 07/08/2019 09:40

It's a good live lesson to learn. I paid a third, saved a third and blew a third !

I'd 'take' the CB amount and bank the rest for her. Presume she will get tips as well on top of her £130?

If she's walking to work with a packed lunch then she actually hasn't got many expenses.

sanmiguel · 07/08/2019 09:42

I didn't pay any keep and I certainly managed to budget pretty quickly when I bought my own house aged 22. Until then, rightly or wrongly, my mum gave me the CB as pocket money whilst I was at college as a top up to the £10 I got from part time work. However, back then there was no amazon, Spotify, net flicks or phone contracts so I'm sure the expectations are higher of what young people consider to be standard basic requirements in addition to food, clothes and makeup so I see no reason why them added luxuries shouldn't in part be funded by a young person in work.

I really don't think there's a wrong or right to this one; it's been done to death on MN but I would question the fairness in charging your 16 year old rent and not the one in uni when home, as I'm sure she could have worked in holidays if not term time. You're heading into a potential resentful situation with your youngest!

AsTheWorldTurns · 07/08/2019 09:46

That seems pretty mean, I'm impressed that she's saving half.

She's only 16.

Fragalino · 07/08/2019 10:10

Come from away, do you have another dd close in age who you are not charging rent for because their brain is wired differently and they went to uni being academic?

Fragalino · 07/08/2019 10:11

Contraception, not from the other dd actual pocket 🤔

It's not comparable at all.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/08/2019 10:20

Yes it is. OP didn't lose money from DD1 going to further education. She has lost money from DD2.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2019 10:23

As DD1 has I assume been financially independent since she went to Uni, I think the fair thing is to either charge her the CB if you need it, or charge her from the Sept after she turns 18

Comefromaway · 07/08/2019 10:25

I have a son two years younger who is not academic but will probably go to college & uni to do a practical based course. (dd is academic but has chosen to do a 3 year vocational course as it is the best preparation for the industry she wants to go into)

Feom what I can see the Op's dd1 is a full time student who is not earning any money & the OP got child benefit for her, wheras Op's dd 2 is starting an apprentiship where she will be earning money and will not get child benefit.

Its not about the brains being wired differently (and as the parent of children with asd that manifests in very differnt ways I know all about brains being wired differently.

Comefromaway · 07/08/2019 10:32

I give my dd £35 per week plus she had been earning £15 per week. Out of that she has to cover travel, make up and fancy toiletries, socialising & clothes (including specialist clothing needed for her course). She chooses to pay for gym membership and netflix. I pay mobile phone & her rent at college.

If she was earning the amount the OP's dd is earning every week & living at home I would not be giving her an allowance and I would be charging her about £50 per week.

AsTheWorldTurns · 07/08/2019 10:41

Yes it is. OP didn't lose money from DD1 going to further education. She has lost money from DD2.

I would insulate her from the vagaries of the benefit system if at all possible.

bouncingraindrops · 07/08/2019 10:46

OP didn't lose money from DD1 going to further education. She has lost money from DD2.

Well, DD2 can self support, DD1 didn't, so while OP didn't lose her CB, she had to spend it supporting DD1. DD2 won't give OP money, but she can buy herself all of the things DD1 could not.

Food not include in either scenario.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/08/2019 10:47

@AsTheWorldTurns unfortunately I don't think OPs debtors would take that as an excuse. She's making money. She's using resources. Time for her to be welcomed into the real world.

whothedaddy · 07/08/2019 11:12

Having read your updates, as she has no transport costs and you will keep paying her phone and food I think that paying £20-£25 a week is reasonable.

half into savings menas over a month her responsibilities are

wage: £520
savings: £260
Rent: £100
spending £160.

£160 is a fair chunk of money to spend on going out with friends, clothes and make-up. She will also be very greatful to have started savings so young.

One question though, do you need the 'keep' for the family budget? If not may I suggest you save that £100 a month secretly from your daughter so that you can gift it back to her so she can learn to drive or to help with deposit costs etc when she decideds to move out.

She would still learn valuable money lessons but she also won't feel so hard done by given that her sister didn't pay keep.

StoatofDisarray · 07/08/2019 11:15

I voted YANBU then I saw that your other daughter didn't pay anything throughout her A-levels and uni. So YABU.

InOtterNews · 07/08/2019 11:16

Back in the day when I earned £50 a week through YTS, I also paid my Mum £20 a week keep. So YANBU. As soon as I was earning more my keep increased etc.

Cannyhandleit · 07/08/2019 11:30

@StoatofDisarray her other daughter wasn't earning any money she was in full time education, DD2, is working and earning! And op has never stated whether dd1 stayed at home while she was at uni, whether she is still at uni or whether she is now at home paying digs while she earns!!

boosterrooster · 07/08/2019 11:58

Definitely. Glad to hear parents are still doing this. She'll appreciate her disposable income a lot more. And when she's older she'll be glad that she can say that she helped contribute to the household bills.
I used to give my Mum £40 per week but was earning more than your daughter. Unbeknownst to me at the time, she used to saved £5 out of the £40 each week which she then gave back to me when I went traveling in my mid 20's - it was a lovely surprise!

bodgeitandscarper · 07/08/2019 12:08

I think you sound a very caring and sensible parent OP. It's always been a rule in our family that we contribute a third of earnings as keep. What they do with the rest is up to them.

Having outgoings is part of budgeting and being a responsible adult, as long as they have some money of their own to enjoy as well then I can't see the issue in teaching them to responsible, less selfish and considerate to others. I think life will be much harder if they are used to spending all of their money on themselves and once reality kicks in and they have to hand over money for rent, mortgages, bills etc. Best prepare them for it now. You are doing the right thing.

SlowMoFuckingToes · 07/08/2019 12:24

I wouldn't ask for keep, no but I'd tell her I wasn't going to pay for her phone or whatever now that she's earning. I think emotionally that's easier and a better financial lesson. Her practicing paying her own bills is a good skill. I'd choose 1 to hand over to her.

Original poster
Lee17 · 07/08/2019 12:30

To Contraceptionismyfriend - thankyou. I agree.

OP posts:
Fragalino · 07/08/2019 13:03

Op aibu is the most vigourous and potentially upsetting for the op part of mn.

Sometimes more is obvious to outsiders than what you see and sometimes people are too far off the mark to be any help.

The school of hard knocks crowd are loving the idea of this 16 year old paying her way, getting into the the real world, bearing her share of monetary responsibility..

All well and good if the other child has too.

Why can't the other child work?
Uni is often seen as extension of childhood, they are gently eased into the big bad world via tons of support from the uni, student officers help with accmd etc. Tons of clubs, fun with friends, endless parties, student union events..
Dd at uni is being shielded from this nasty big bad world but supposedly the dc who doesn't like hard work is actually about to....

Start work? No extended study for her. No endless piss ups at uni.

Out of sight out of mind.

Sometimes far far more is at stake than one issue.
You will be teaching your 16 year old more than you realise if you go down this route. It could be the start of a schism that never recovers.
16 year old will see herself as the do er, the get out and get it, working from 16 (for pittance) out in this big awful world she's gotta get submerged in.... And yet she gets penalised not the one extending soft student life?
Because mum gets benefit for her? But she wasn't academic enough to go?

I cannot fathom how anyone sees this as fair.

Dd 16 in isolation yes, but simply not in comparison to dd at uni.

bodgeitandscarper · 07/08/2019 15:48

As students my kids had to pay rent and utilities as well as all personal things (phones, food, clothing etc) They didn't have endless piss ups, they worked bloody hard and didn't have a spare penny to pay any keep when they did come home over the holidays. A £130 wage for a sixteen year old is more than enough to contribute when they have no outgoings whatsoever.