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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying Keep

412 replies

Lee17 · 06/08/2019 17:23

Hi All,
My 16 yr old daughter has left school is earning now. She is on an Apprenticeship, which starts officially in September. She is earning about £130 a week at the minute, which may well go up if she does more hours. Now, I think it is reasonable for her to pay a little towards her keep. At the moment we are encouraging her to save half, which she is doing but when we mentioned keep she threw a wobbly. Is it reasonable to ask her to pay say £25 a week, then save half of the rest and have the other half to spend as she pleases? My husband and I were brought up to pay keep, many, many years ago! And back then in the early 80s, he was paying about £20 and I was about £15. Any advice please? I think they need to appreciate how long it takes to earn what they intend to spend and to evaluate the cost and if it is worth it. We pay for everything for her at the minute, apart from extra clothes and makeup. Thanks. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Keep or no Keep?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2019 08:47

Yes your girls are different etc but this comes across as D1 was smart and hard working so we'll support her as long as she needs; D2 isn't smart and isn't as determined so she can pay some bloody board and find out what hard work IS.

You say you wabt her to appreciate how long it takes to earn her wages - how is she not learning that every day working? How is basically taking a days wages off her teaching her to value her money more?

ThanosSavedMe · 07/08/2019 08:51

I used to earn £30 a week and had to give my mum £10 board. £25 out of £130 is fine. She needs to learn the value of money and how much it costs to live.

You can encourage her to save £65 a week but you can’t force her to.

The only reason why your situation is trickier is because your oldest didn’t have to pay as she stayed in education.

combatbarbie · 07/08/2019 08:51

I was always taught 1/3s..... Save 1/3, keep to parents 1/3, spend 1/3.

Why are you still paying her phone bill? If she's earning she should be responsible for it. (making her lunch i would be leaving up to her as well)

If she doesn't want to or cannot further her education ie Uni then this is her first life lesson on everyone starting somewhere. She will thank you for it..... Eventually!

SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2019 08:59

The only reason why your situation is trickier is because your oldest didn’t have to pay as she stayed in education

If she doesn't want to or cannot further her education ie Uni

She IS in education, it's just not the route the smart, hard working big sister took. Vocational education is still education - she has to be in education until she's 18, she's still going to college, and she's learning on the job.

She hasn't quit school to sit on her backside whilst freeloading off her parents.

OP if you can't financially manage without her CB then that's a different argument, and you need to discuss that with her. In which case I'd say charge her £28 as that's what CB is (if you're now getting 20 for a younger sibling then £13 as that's what you're losing) or would say you can't afford to pay for her phone / equivalent.
If you want her to pay like an adult, talk to her like one and explain your financial situation.

Cannyhandleit · 07/08/2019 09:00

I can't believe the people saying you are punishing her for not being as smart as her sister! We were always told as soon as you are earning you pay digs, even if it was just a small token amount. Other daughter was at uni not earning racking up shit loads of student debt it is completely different from being at home earning money!
As alternative don't charge digs but stop paying for her phone and any other extras it'll soon add up to more than you are asking for!

Original poster
Lee17 · 07/08/2019 09:02

Smilebehappy123 thank you.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/08/2019 09:03

Keep.

If it takes her longer to save for what she wants then that's a good life lesson. She is using resources in the home and she needs to know that that costs.
You can't compare the DDs situation as A levels do not pay! There was nothing to contribute from!

dudsville · 07/08/2019 09:07

If she was 18 tes def. At 16 I think she is still learning, and learning to manage money is a big deal. I think I wouldn't make her pay keep yet, but let her know it's coming at 18, asks stop buying harder non essentials now so that she learns how to manage.

Original poster
Lee17 · 07/08/2019 09:08

Cannyhandleit thankyou. I don't understand why people have latched onto this as being about D1versus D2. I was merely pointing out that because D1 went to Uni etc, I was wondering what to do about Keep. I didn't expect it to turn into a barrage of abuse towards me questioning my parenting and making it seem like I am favouring one daughter over another! Unbelievable. And you are absolutely right, thankyou, D1 has huge debts now because she wanted to continue her education via the A Level and Degree route. D2 doesn't want this and bless her, it wouldn't be the right route for her because her talents are artistic and not academic. Thank you.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 07/08/2019 09:09

Not on that amount no especially if she’s saving half too.

Original poster
Lee17 · 07/08/2019 09:10

To Contraceptionismyfriend; thankyou.

OP posts:
Crazyladee · 07/08/2019 09:10

OP don't get upset by the harsh comments. Unfortunately when you post on AIBU, you need to be prepared for some harsh comments and be thick skinned.

Original poster
Lee17 · 07/08/2019 09:11

To HairToday79. Thankyou! exactly!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lee17 · 07/08/2019 09:12

To Crazyladee; thankyou! Well yes, you are right and I wasn't expecting it!

OP posts:
bouncingraindrops · 07/08/2019 09:13

I was wondering what to do about Keep. I didn't expect it to turn into a barrage of abuse towards me

It didn't.

Original poster
Lee17 · 07/08/2019 09:13

bouncingraindrops thankyou. I appreciate your opinion, but I think doing it when it is really needed is not teaching them. We all do things when we HAVE to, but wouldn't it be better to be prepared?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 07/08/2019 09:14

I think taking money off a child is also grim as a PP said. My parents never charged me keep even when I was 21 and still at home earning. I wasn't earning a huge amount and the job was a round trip of 55 miles a day and I had to fund a car to be able to work (we lived rurally, public transport not an option). They actually said to me that they didn't have a child to make money from them and that they would rather I saved the money so that I started to build a deposit on a house. Which I did (but houses were much cheaper back then).

Crazyladee · 07/08/2019 09:16

OP If you have a dog, for future reference, don't post in The Doghouse without a hard hat either...

LadyPenelope68 · 07/08/2019 09:17

If she's on a paid apprenticeship then you do NOT get child benefit. Personally, if her elder sister did A Levels and disnt osy any keep, then I'd say no, dont ask her for keep for the period she might have done A Levels, but at 18 she starts paying.

Dandelionplease · 07/08/2019 09:18

Of course she shouldn’t pay keep at 16 in full time education and if your receiving child benefit.

Original poster
Lee17 · 07/08/2019 09:18

Well, thankyou everyone. I know my daughter and I know how to prepare her for life. It isn't about D1 versus D2; it is about her as an individual and what myself and my husband can do to help her on the winding transitional path to adulthood! The people who think it is a bad idea, I appreciate your opinions. And to those who have given me alternative advice and figures, thankyou very much too. And to those who have used this as an excuse to have a go at me, someone you have never met, I am disappointed that you couldn't put your opinion across in a kinder way. What an eye opener! Have a good day everyone.

OP posts:
bouncingraindrops · 07/08/2019 09:18

I think doing it when it is really needed is not teaching them. We all do things when we HAVE to, but wouldn't it be better to be prepared?

I don't know?

My adult DC never had any problems going from home where they paid nothing to their own flats where they paid everything. They were prepared, just in a different way to the one you suggest. I suppose we are all different and if you think she will struggle in the future to manage money it's good to have her pay out something at this point. I agree with the poster who said it has to be one or the other though. If she pays keep you can't dictate what she does with the rest of her money.

Fragalino · 07/08/2019 09:19

Not waded through but your going to charge one and not the other, and penalise one due to academic ability, so your not basing this on what's fair in your particular circumstances..

You didn't charge the other so I do not think it's fair to charge this one and she'll resent this deeply, the issues you will create will run deeper and further than 25 could impact family finances.

If I were you I'd try and salvage this, explain reasoning and say on this occasion you have realised your wrong, because actually you didn't charge other dc.

So you will do it on age instead and say after 21 anyone living at home has to pay some 'keep' regardless, even if it's extra jobs around house.

It's not fair in this scenario. I have two much younger dc and one is very bright, academic and finds it easy, it's highly likely she'll go to uni..
The other is struggling, looking at her now under 10 how could I penalise her for not having the same wired brain as her sister when both are equal in my eyes.

Don't do it op, back track, explain and apologise. Save the relationship she'll never forget it otherwise and could even resent her sister

Reallybadidea · 07/08/2019 09:19

If you work out all the extras you pay for (allowance, phone, Spotify etc) it might actually work out similar to the amount of keep you were going to charge. Perhaps psychologically it would be easier for your dd to accept paying for those rather than handing money over to you?

I think you're handling the "robust" comments very well! And it's clear (to me anyway) that you have your dad's best interests at heart.

Gigiandme · 07/08/2019 09:20

I wouldn't personally.