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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying Keep

412 replies

Lee17 · 06/08/2019 17:23

Hi All,
My 16 yr old daughter has left school is earning now. She is on an Apprenticeship, which starts officially in September. She is earning about £130 a week at the minute, which may well go up if she does more hours. Now, I think it is reasonable for her to pay a little towards her keep. At the moment we are encouraging her to save half, which she is doing but when we mentioned keep she threw a wobbly. Is it reasonable to ask her to pay say £25 a week, then save half of the rest and have the other half to spend as she pleases? My husband and I were brought up to pay keep, many, many years ago! And back then in the early 80s, he was paying about £20 and I was about £15. Any advice please? I think they need to appreciate how long it takes to earn what they intend to spend and to evaluate the cost and if it is worth it. We pay for everything for her at the minute, apart from extra clothes and makeup. Thanks. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Keep or no Keep?

OP posts:
LettuceP · 07/08/2019 23:52

🤣🤣🤣 Can't believe people are saying £130 a week is nothing. She's 16 fgs, £130 a week is loads. And even if she's only left with £40 per week after keep and savings that's still plenty for clothes and makeup for a 16yo. I budget £40 per week for my fun money and I'm fine.

I worked at 16 so I paid keep, I never complained because I didn't expect to live for free when I was earning money. Life is a bitch and I think it's best to teach that to kids, no point in sugar coating it, doesnt do them any good.

Original poster
Lee17 · 08/08/2019 00:05

Thankyou Graphista.
To the others. I didn't charge them keep whilst they were at Uni; I made that sound wrong. When they had finished Uni, the last summer when they were working in seasonal jobs and getting at least £150 each a week they paid £5 per day, just for the week days. That covered absolutely everything. So we had two 21 year olds living with us, for £25 a week total for the pair of the. £12.50 EACH per week for 7 days full board, washing, etc! How is that wrong? We were still paying for her phone etc. This was whilst they were searching for Post Grad jobs. I am not penalising my younger daughter for not going to Uni, why are people latching onto that? I am saying, she is now starting to earn money, quite a lot I think for her age, and is it unreasonable for her to pay a little towards the house expenses? Well, obviously some people think it is. And again, why are people being so cruel to me? I may well agree and think that charging her keep is not the way to go; I was genuinely asking for constructive advice, not intending to open the floodgates for nasty people to have a go at me. Can't believe how people think it is ok to be aggressive. What is that about? I will be rethinking the whole thing. And by the way, to those that don't seem to get it, we do struggle financially and go without a lot so our children have what they need. Just because I didn't go on about that in the first place.....

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 08/08/2019 00:08

we do struggle financially
That doesn’t make it ok to take money from a child under the guise of good parenting.
Adult children pay keep and it’s the right thing to ask of them, not children.

Original poster
Lee17 · 08/08/2019 00:20

I give up! Thanks everyone, even those that aren't very nice; now go and have a go at someone else. And to those that seem to 'get' where I am coming from, thankyou very much for your constructive advice. I genuinely see both sides, but arguing and having a go at someone isn't the right way to get your point across. I am feeling so upset that people think I am a cruel mum to ask for a little bit of financial help. I shall be thinking about it whilst I go to work the rest of this week, the second job I do on Thursdays and Fridays. When did it become OK to be so judgemental and utterly rude, not to mention the language. Gutting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lee17 · 08/08/2019 00:22

And to PixiKitKat. What bit don't you get about we pay everything for her?!!!! the Keep wouldn't effect what we already do. Of course we would pay for her Driving Lessons and I did previously say that it is a good idea to put away money for her as a surprise later on. God, this is so frustrating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lee17 · 08/08/2019 00:25

LettuceP thankyou.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 08/08/2019 00:26

I don’t think you are being cruel, genuinely I am sorry you feel upset. I just think you are misguided in your view that keep from a child is a life lesson. That comes later.

Original poster
Lee17 · 08/08/2019 00:31

MyDcAreMarvel Thanks. Maybe you are right. I guess it comes down to how we were all brought up. I paid Keep, my husband paid Keep. But things were different then; we left school at 16 and were out working and earning; straight into jobs. So to me 16 is quite grown up. My daughter is quite mature.

OP posts:
bouncingraindrops · 08/08/2019 00:37

What bit don't you get about we pay everything for her?!!!! the Keep wouldn't effect what we already do.

Maybe consider not taking money from her but giving her more financial responsibility. So instead of you pay everything, she pays for some things herself. Now that's a life lesson. Not sure what she would learn by you taking keep, but also paying everything for her.

chardonm · 08/08/2019 00:50

I wouldn't especially as you didn't take keep from her sibling!

TwistyTop · 08/08/2019 00:55

I think it depends. If you're paying for her phone and stuff like that then it's completely reasonable to take a small bit of keep off her. The alternative would be to stop paying for non essentials for her - it doesn't have to be mean. You can still pay for he share on family days out and take aways etc, but she pays her own phone bill and bus fare. Gets her used to having to budget for stuff.

MN is a bit ridiculous over stuff like this. A lot of people on here think it's child abuse for their 18yr to get a job over the summer before uni because they had to do exams Hmm

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 08/08/2019 00:58

If you charge her keep then I don’t think you also get a say in how much she saves. If she is adult enough to have to contribute to the family pot then she is adult enough to manage the rest of her money.

You can’t say you are teaching her financial responsibility but also dictate her savings. This is not teaching. It is you expressing your authority over her spending. Teaching would be letting her learn that if she goes on a spending spree in primark then she won’t have money saved for driving lessons or other large purchases. The lesson is learnt then not by mummy forcing her to hand over money to be saved.

chardonm · 08/08/2019 00:59

@EileenAlanna your attitude though.... the hardest working 20 something just cannot today buy a house. It's all well and good being all smug but the reality is you were able to take a loan at lower than inflation rate, yes? Young people nowadays absolutely cannot do that.

Setting3 · 08/08/2019 01:08

It all depends on your financial situation. I watch daily struggle to make ends meet while her two son are on low wages but they pay no keep, so enjoy a pretty good life while she can’t afford to get her hair cut, I see that as wrong - they should be contributing. Our dd has just got a well paid part time job while at sixth form - we don’t need any extra money so we won’t ask but if we did I’d expect her to chip in. But we do expect get to save / a lot!

Original poster
Lee17 · 22/01/2020 21:42

For everyone's information; my daughter is thriving, excelling at her hairdressing apprenticeship, is paying a little keep, saving for a car and spending the rest as only a female teenager can. She is enjoying her life, thriving on the financial benefits and very pleased with herself for being able to save and empowered that she can help her parents out a bit. All of you who gave such aggressive and negative comments; we are happy and doing very well. I will no longer be asking any advice from Mumsnet. And for those of you who were kind enough to give me constructive, polite advice, I thank you.

OP posts:
Hotseat · 22/01/2020 22:04

I paid up at 16, as I was working full time as a hairdresser apprentice. Mine children paid keep as soon as they were working. I would make her cough up. If she kicks up tell her to buy her own food etc.

Mayomaynot · 22/01/2020 22:25

I paid £20 a week keep in the '90s and my mum really needed it.

Newmumatlast · 22/01/2020 22:48

With my step daughter we had her pay a set sum each month and then saved it and when she moved out gave her a lump sum of it back. The deal was that she had to demonstrate that she had been budgeting and saving whilst living with us and met all of her targets in terms of work and learning etc

Newmumatlast · 22/01/2020 22:49

Oops just realised it's an old thread. @Lee17 so pleased to see your update

RB68 · 22/01/2020 22:56

I agree with her actually - if she is actively saving her 50% I would let it go till 18. But be clear she starts paying them unless she moves on and out etc

Thestrangestthing · 22/01/2020 22:56

No there is plenty of time for her to be paying bills and tax when she is living alone. I would let her enjoy her earnings for a while.

misspiggy19 · 22/01/2020 22:57

YABU- I couldn’t take money from my 16 year old.

Raspberrytruffle · 22/01/2020 22:58

Of course yanbu! Bill's dont pay themselves especially if you are feeding madam and letting her use all of the facilities, can you imagine her going to live at freinds or family and expecting all thos for free? It's only £25 your hardly charging her rent price like £70 per week for a council bedsit, she will also benefit from it. I left school and went to work as a dish washer/housekeeping at age 16 approx 17/18 years ago and was on minimum wage like about £3.20 ? I paid happily £25 per week board and it felt great I felt grown up plus if my mum unexpectedly had a big gas or electricity bill me and my sister would club together and both give £100 each to help because we damn well new that our measly board did not cover everything! Tell your dd if she does not wish to pay board then she needs to consider paying her own rent, council tax and Bill's that go with it. Actually sit with dd
And wright down or break it all down how much she would pay if living independently, if course she is your child and she wont understand why you are apparently being so mean (your not) but she needs to help out

Clevererthanyou · 22/01/2020 23:00

I have nothing to add other than she’s still a child.

morrisseysquif · 22/01/2020 23:06

I remember earning £7.70 for my Saturday job. My mum made me buy my own school dinners, which was about a couple of quid in those days. I never had any much money to do anything else (which might have been her intention!)