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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that men shouldn't come into breastfeeding rooms

999 replies

Lycidas · 05/08/2019 23:15

I occasionally use the John Lewis feeding room (mainly for the delightful motion of the rocking chair), and I've noticed that men tend to enter quite often in order to chat to their partners, even when there are other women feeding in there. There are three chairs in total. The feeding area is separated from the wider changing room by a curtain, which suggests that there should be some degree of privacy for self-conscious women.

Fair enough, the men who tend to go in will make a conscious effort to just face their partners, but I still find it mildly uncomfortable to have them in there, and a distraction from the whole experience tbh, looking up, covering just 'in case', which I don't particularly want to be doing in a changing room. If I wanted to be faffing about with a muslin I may well just feed outside as normal.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Isatis · 06/08/2019 17:11

They don't want random men seeing them in what is meant to be a private space. Big difference.

Well, no, if it's a room for feeding babies, it isn't meant to be a space that is private from other parents, male or female.

53rdWay · 06/08/2019 17:11

‘no one else knows of this arrangement’? What? Plenty of people have described similar. But even if the OP’s was the only one like that in the country - so? It’s still the one she’s asking about. Do you think she’s making it up or something? Why?

FairyBatman · 06/08/2019 17:13

I agree that men shouldn't be in spaces dedicated solely to breastfeeding, but unfortunately in our local big Next and John Lewis, the "parent room" is the only place with a changing table.

Where there are other facilities DH always used them, but honestly where there's no other choice what is a Dad supposed to do when the baby needs changing?

For the 6 months that he was a stay at home Dad should he not be allowed to take DS shopping incase he decides to shit in John Lewis?

GummyGoddess · 06/08/2019 17:15

The only rooms I've seen have bottle warmers and changing tables in so I assumed that men were fine in there. My dh always came in and other women's partners were always in there too. I thought it was a room for feeding and changing (hence bottle warmers for bottle babies) which dads can do.

I guess if it specifically said breastfeeding he wouldn't come in but I haven't seen any breastfeeding only rooms.

TheNavigator · 06/08/2019 17:16

The OP was talking about a curtained off area separate from the changing tables. I would consider any man that plonked him self down in the curtained off chairs to be selfish and/or a pervy creep.

Bibijayne · 06/08/2019 17:18

Agree @FairyBatman - DH was off for three months with our baby when I went back to work. I think some of the posters getting angry about the idea of men in a general parent area have not had supportive partners. One poster seemed to think men wouldn't help breastfeeding partners in the night. My husband has been up every night it has been needed since our son was born. The only times he hasn't have been the long past few weeks when he slept through!

Bibijayne · 06/08/2019 17:20

@TheNavigator

I think pretty much every poster has agreed with that scenario. But some posters have said men shouldn't be in the room fullstop. Even though that's where the baby change facilities are.

DecomposingComposers · 06/08/2019 17:20

I guess if it specifically said breastfeeding he wouldn't come in but I haven't seen any breastfeeding only rooms.

Exactly. Nor me either.

Do you think she’s making it up or something? Why?
I dont know. It does seem odd that no other JL has this arrangement though.

Plus my comments are mainly aimed at people saying that dads should not go into any parent room because they should, by rights, be women only spaces, irrespective of the fact that the provider intends for them to be used by women and men.

Isatis · 06/08/2019 17:22

So long as your level of comfort is fine then to hell with the rest of the women in there, including the OP who has said that she is uncomfortable with it.

Well, yes, if OP or anyone else comes into a room that is designated for people to feed babies, then she doesn't have a right to object to men being in there feeding or helping to feed their babies just because she's "uncomfortable".

Pressure should be applied - or just feedback given - to shops that haven't provided both spaces.

The problem with that is that, if we start pressurising shops who have provided feeding areas to provide another one for women only, there's a substantial danger that they'll decide not to bother at all; shop rents in major town centres are very high and having to give up income-producing space for something like this is a hard sell for shop owners. Sure, it may attract some breastfeeding mothers into the shop, but they are a minute percentage of the general shopping demographic and becoming less so with online shopping.

Vulpine · 06/08/2019 17:22

Surely one of the benefits (or negatives) of breastfeeding is that only one partner has to get up in the middle of the night so one gets rest. Can't imagine why I would need to wake my dh to bf at 3am.

anothernotherone · 06/08/2019 17:23

I've never seen a "feeding area" with any indication it's intended for bottle feeding or solids in a private, curtained off area. I've seen free baby food and free bottle warmers in cafes and service stations and chairs and bottle warmers and once microwaves in the outer visible through a big window area before a baby change, also equipped with mats and toys for toddlers. Those are usually "Babycare" rooms - I've never seen one like that labelled as a "feeding" room.

The only deliberately private, curtained off or similar areas I've ever seen were breastfeeding/ nursing rooms. I had my younger children abroad where they were clearly labelled as Stillzimmer or Stillecke which means breastfeeding room/ corner.

You don't need the curtain to bottle feed. Some people need it to breastfeed - many don't but some do. Nobody needs it to bottle feed.

53rdWay · 06/08/2019 17:24

It does seem odd that no other JL has this arrangement though.

They do. Lots of them. My local JL has curtained-off areas with chairs, separate to the changing areas. Many other people have said the same.

Fraggling · 06/08/2019 17:25

Posters are annoyed about men coming into areas for bf (not that there's are many of them about, but they do exist!).

I haven't seen anyone say men didn't be allowed into baby changing/ general parent areas.

The idea that women who think that specified breastfeeding areas should be for breastfeeding mothers only, have partners who are bastards is a very random leap!

TheNavigator · 06/08/2019 17:25

The OP said it was curtained off chairs, not that it specifically said breastfeeding only. My point is a decent and polite man would intuit that women would be using that space for private feeding and not intrude. Sadly for the OP, not all men are decent and polite.

anothernotherone · 06/08/2019 17:27

Whoever said the thread had become ridiculous is right though, there is no point continuing to engage with the men before women advocoates who make things up then argue with themselves, trying to pretend a breastfeeding space is for men because they're parents.

Doubtless the same people believe post natal wards are also for men, 24/7.

Fraggling · 06/08/2019 17:34

I would assume a curtained off area with some chairs and no other equipment was for breastfeeding mothers as well tbh.

Plenty of people say men should go in thrre as there's no rules against it and because of equality. Because feeding a baby with a bottle is the same as bf, or something. What I'd the man just wants a bit of peace? Nice sitting area why shouldn't he go in? No law against it why do women get special treatment and etc

Isatis · 06/08/2019 17:35

He'd feel totally comfortable if it was a general feeding room if he was using the bottle station and feeding and another woman happened to be breastfeeding

It's not about how he feels, FFS. It's about how the woman feels. Maybe she doesn't want him there while she's feeding. He should show consideration and realise men's needs are not paramount

No, in a room provided for babies to be fed, the babies' needs are paramount.

As for people asking why men might need privacy - it's more around their need to use the room for the purpose for which it is designated. They may need a quiet room without too many people around for a baby who is easily distracted. They may just need somewhere to sit down when there isn't anywhere else in the shop.

Bibijayne · 06/08/2019 17:36

@Vulpine

He's a light sleeper! In the early days he'd sort the nappy out. Now he'll top up a water bottle/ grab Calpol or similar if he's teething or poorly
Sometimes baby boy only wants a cuddle, not hungry, so he'll rock him to sleep whilst I rest. Other times baby boy is hungry, so I nurse him. It works well for us. I figure people work out their own night time routines based on what works. Though I have seen a few threads where mums say they wish dads would be more supportive. But when they are supportive they're torn to pieces in threads like this.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 06/08/2019 17:38

Agree @FairyBatman - DH was off for three months with our baby when I went back to work. I think some of the posters getting angry about the idea of men in a general parent area have not had supportive partners.

So now we're making shit up? 👍

Shmithecat2 · 06/08/2019 17:39

@Isatis

No, in a room provided for babies to be fed, the babies' needs are paramount

That's right. So in a curtained off area, where the mum is breastfeeding, meeting baby's needs, the dad has no need to be there at all.

Bibijayne · 06/08/2019 17:41

@Fraggling

A few posters have been saying men shouldn't go into parent rooms. That's what most posters are discussing - and that baby changing facilities are for women only. Which is not the case a lot of the time (thankfully!)

53rdWay · 06/08/2019 17:42

Isatis, I ask this genuinely - are there new dads in your life who are struggling with where/how to feed in public outside of curtained-off areas in John Lewis? Because if so, I suggest you put them in touch with some more experienced parents (breast or bottle feeders) to help them realise how broad their options are. It would be very restrictive to believe you couldn’t feed anywhere else in public.

I have breastfed for years, my firstborn child used to feed every hour, and I’ve used special ‘feeding areas’ like that precisely once. I would be happy to help any bottlefeeding dads in my life work out how to feed when out and about, I’ve done it with plenty of breastfeeding mums.

IrmaFayLear · 06/08/2019 17:43

Not to mention the smuggery smug posters making out that their dh is so much more supportive than anyone else's lazy idiot of a spouse because they keep the poster company everywhere including during EBF all through the night and then they go and do a 12-hour day at work. I only hope these paragons of virtue are not operating heavy machinery/driving a train/working in air traffic control...

If my dh had whisked aside a curtain in a bf-ing area in order to "support" me I'd have actually thought he was far from lovely, but rather that he was boorish.

placemats · 06/08/2019 17:44

But when they are supportive they're torn to pieces in threads like this.

Seriously?

Most posts are about supportive husbands and partners who wouldn't dream of entering a place where there are breast feeding women because they understand and are supportive.

jennymanara · 06/08/2019 17:48

This is why when I tried to breastfeed I tried to do so in toilet cubicles.

I have come to realise over the last 10 years how most people really don't give a shit about anyone else. They will simply argue strongly for what they want. So if they want their DH there it is all about how women should be fine to breastfeed in public. They don't actually give a shit about other women.