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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Three weeks. Three f*cking weeks!

123 replies

Andysbestadventure · 04/08/2019 18:44

Three weeks... since an adult talked 'to' me instead of 'at me'. It's probably longer. That is just how long I've been paying attention.

The most recent examples...

I met my Mum yesterday for a little day out to a gorgeous garden nursery. She talked at me the entire time. Didn't ask how I was, how life was, didn't ask me anything at all really. Just reeled off moan and jibe, one after the other for 4hrs. If I tried to talk about something or give a view on something it was met with stoney silence and total disinterest. This happens frequently.

My 'best' friend spent 2hrs, over dinner the other night, talking about her self and talking over me if I tried to respond or engage with it. Two solid hours. About her work, her staff, her dog, her nan, her auntie's dog, her work colleague's anxiety , how her food wasn't right, the drink was too cold... I can go on.

One of my once closest friends just called me from the car on his way to work. It was, ironically, supposed to be a quick chat to arrange to meet for a coffee in the next week or so, because he knows I've been having a rough time of things recently, and to talk quickly about something personal connected to it.

He spent the entire 35 minutes after the word 'Hello!' chatting away about a photocopier at work, I may as well have not been on the phone, then pulled up to the work carpark and he had to go, said goodbye, the rushed "bye bye bye bye bye" sort of thing, and he'd text me to sort the coffee & hung up. This also happens a lot, so I just almost snapped.

Husband has been mad busy with a project at work, so barely has time to say hello and rant about work over a rushed dinner, until next week when it's all over.

Is it me?? AIBU and expecting too much? Do I just have rubbish friends and family?

Sat still holding my phone with tears in my eyes because I am so frustrated, and for some reason, hurt, that I seem to be the only person I know capable of actually listening and engaging.

While typing this the door went and it was the amazon courier. He said hello and asked how I was and I nearly burst in to tears (and almost kissed him).

I've never felt so lonely when entirely surrounded by people all the time.

OP posts:

PerrysWinkle · 04/08/2019 18:51

Oh OP, that’s tough. I do wonder if some people walk around in their own bubbles.

Bringmewineandcake · 04/08/2019 18:51

I hear you

Teaandcrisps · 04/08/2019 18:53

Goodness I could have written this post myself. No advice just absolutely understand.

FaFoutis · 04/08/2019 18:57

I'm with you too. I know just how you feel.
My method with my mother is not to tell her anything. If I try to say something (an opinion, or something about me) she talks over me or it is met with silence. All the tiny rejections add up horribly - better to ask about her garden/ golf club and listen.

You have more of a choice with your 'friends'. They don't sound worth your time.

madcatladyforever · 04/08/2019 19:02

That's dreadful OP. I know a couple of people like that but not everyone. Maybe you could try cutting them dead mid sentence and completely changing the subject. That often works really well and also indicates you ate bored with their chatter.
Give it a go.

ControversialFerret · 04/08/2019 19:09

Ouch - that must really hurt.

Time to reevaluate some of these relationships? Stick to meeting your DM for short coffees, so that she's limited to how much she can download. The best mate sounds like she's very one-sided. Sometimes things happen and one person will talk (and 'take') more, but it's supposed to shift rather than stay only with one person. I'd back off from her and wait for her to contact you. When she does, then tell her that you'd love to see her but that it would be nice to have a two-way conversation.

As for your DH - you should be able to be honest with him. Tell him that you know he's stressed but you need some care and emotional investment; you can't just be a sympathetic ear for his work troubles all of the time.

Finally, are there any hobbies or activities that you enjoy? Might be a good way to try and meet some new people and established more balanced friendships.

WooYa · 04/08/2019 19:10

I'm in the same boat... I gave my phone to DS when DM called today and she asked why... I said you never actually speak to me anyway. It sometimes gets to the stage wher I don't even tell her stuff, including travel plans and me and H having problems. Building up the guts to tell someone something for them not to even listen is shit.

Funguy · 04/08/2019 19:10

You and me are a bit the same. But hold on, you just need to point out that you have needs too x

QOD · 04/08/2019 19:12

I don’t know what to suggest, unless you wait until you feel less bad and text them and just say, hey I’m feeling low, feel like no one listens to my problems.

Teaandcrisps · 04/08/2019 19:18

I wonder if its because people think your doing ok, have a good life and are the stable one in thier life. They just have stopped thinking that you also need a listening ear.

I switched off my phone last week, sent a message to all my chief offenders saying that I need to be out of touch for a bit. One person has completely ignored that request and couldn't help to call me with their latest news. Totally annoying hurtful and just dont know how you get thru to some folks. But am left wondering how on earth I reset these relationships.

bubblesforlife · 04/08/2019 19:26

I could write this post too! I feel like the more I analyse people, and these behaviours to more I learn about people in general...
it’s not personal first of all.

bubblesforlife · 04/08/2019 19:28

Whoops submitted to soon...
As I was saying....
It’s not personal, but if you give people time to talk about themselves they will run a mile, it’s their favourite topic.
Secondly, it’s likely that these people don’t have a DH or DP to talk about the every day mundane stuff, so you act as that gap filler? Is that it?

justasking111 · 04/08/2019 19:30

My OH does this not just to me but others. I now say when he is in full flow and takes a breath "Have you finished yet?" he then carries on for a bit and I repeat "Have you finished yet?" that seems to sink in and he pipes down and lets others have their say. You could try that.

Skittlenommer · 04/08/2019 19:37

Do I just have rubbish friends and family?

Yes!! Set some boundaries and be clear with them if they’re doing something you don’t like!

OhTheRoses · 04/08/2019 19:43

When I was a sahm and could have written your post ...............I got a job!

Justaboy · 04/08/2019 19:44

Andysbestadventure You must be one of those very rare people a Good Listener;!

DuggeesGotHisAnnoyingBadge · 04/08/2019 19:48

I literally could have written this post OP.

I call my mum to ask her dates that we can visit, and after the word hello she talks for 45 minutes straight about someone at her work, the next door neighbours and Corrie and then says well, that’s everything, bye before I can ask her what I called for.

Friend spent all day Friday at the park talking at me, telling me why every little decision she makes is perfect and how her life is so amazing (spoiler alert - it isn’t). I’m trying to work out how to drop her without dropping the rest of the mutual friends we normally get together with, it’s so draining being around people like this.

Bluetrews25 · 04/08/2019 19:55

Agree with OhTheRoses in that you may find things better if you can get some work. Might help you to feel less invisible (or just give you so much to talk about that you are unstoppable!)
At least we are all listening to you now.

catflapuk · 04/08/2019 20:00

I understand you so well!

I'm thinking people like you (and me) attract these sort of people. I have no idea what to do differently to find different friendships. I do not think you can reset those relationships - those people just are like that. If they had a genuine interest in you they would ask and let you speak. You should not have to go the extra mile to make them aware of it - a hint should be more than enough. You are being used...

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2019 20:00

I understand completely and this is exactly why I have no friends. Not a single one. All I was was a sounding board for their problems. No one EVER asked how I was or bothered to take any interest in me as a person. It was all about what I could do for them. Aside from my husband and children, who are wonderful, and my parents who live very far away, I speak to no one. Not a soul.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 04/08/2019 20:02

I totally understand this post and where you are coming from OP. I am sick to death of listening to the gripes and problems of others.To the pointless neighbour who I don;t know who has had a new fence.To the work colleague who ever they maybe who has overstepped some imaginary boundary...I could go on but I| wont.No one ever says how was your day? How are you? They all think I am doing just fine and never have any worries or problems.I am past caring now so they think what they like but my major problem is their never ending shite that flows from their gobs that is now beginning to sound like white noise to me....

Laiste · 04/08/2019 20:04

It's very hard, isn't it, because you don't want to have to demand for people to notice you and how you're feeling. It would be nice if they did it voluntarily.

IdblowJonSnow · 04/08/2019 20:05

Just tell them.
Say they've had their say and it's your turn.
They sound crap but if you let people walk all over you then sadly they will.
And get your bloody husband told - and your mum - at the least!

Wonkybanana · 04/08/2019 20:07

Basically OP, you're too polite. It isn't in your nature to talk over people, so when they start you shut up.

A couple of friends shared a house, and DP and I went for dinner one night. Friend one had done everything - starter, main and pudding - except for the one vegetable side friend two had done. Friend two didn't stop telling us about her amazing vegetable thing for the whole meal. They don't share a house any more and I have very little contact with 'friend' two.

You just have to stop meeting/contacting them. Even your mum. If you can't avoid them, when they start just say sorry you have to go and leave or hang up. Don't keep waiting for it to be your turn because with people like that it never will be.

regmover · 04/08/2019 20:16

Yep, this is so common. Some people... many people... just don't have the art of conversation.

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