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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Three weeks. Three f*cking weeks!

123 replies

Andysbestadventure · 04/08/2019 18:44

Three weeks... since an adult talked 'to' me instead of 'at me'. It's probably longer. That is just how long I've been paying attention.

The most recent examples...

I met my Mum yesterday for a little day out to a gorgeous garden nursery. She talked at me the entire time. Didn't ask how I was, how life was, didn't ask me anything at all really. Just reeled off moan and jibe, one after the other for 4hrs. If I tried to talk about something or give a view on something it was met with stoney silence and total disinterest. This happens frequently.

My 'best' friend spent 2hrs, over dinner the other night, talking about her self and talking over me if I tried to respond or engage with it. Two solid hours. About her work, her staff, her dog, her nan, her auntie's dog, her work colleague's anxiety Hmm, how her food wasn't right, the drink was too cold... I can go on.

One of my once closest friends just called me from the car on his way to work. It was, ironically, supposed to be a quick chat to arrange to meet for a coffee in the next week or so, because he knows I've been having a rough time of things recently, and to talk quickly about something personal connected to it.

He spent the entire 35 minutes after the word 'Hello!' chatting away about a photocopier at work, I may as well have not been on the phone, then pulled up to the work carpark and he had to go, said goodbye, the rushed "bye bye bye bye bye" sort of thing, and he'd text me to sort the coffee & hung up. This also happens a lot, so I just almost snapped.

Husband has been mad busy with a project at work, so barely has time to say hello and rant about work over a rushed dinner, until next week when it's all over.

Is it me?? AIBU and expecting too much? Do I just have rubbish friends and family?

Sat still holding my phone with tears in my eyes because I am so frustrated, and for some reason, hurt, that I seem to be the only person I know capable of actually listening and engaging.

While typing this the door went and it was the amazon courier. He said hello and asked how I was and I nearly burst in to tears (and almost kissed him).

I've never felt so lonely when entirely surrounded by people all the time.

OP posts:
bumblebeejockstrap · 04/08/2019 22:19

Oh dc that age are so lovely, please enjoy. It sounds as if you had a lovely yet long day.

I do know where you are coming from, I too was everybody's therapist and sounding board. Look at theads all over mn, posters hardly read the op let alone any other posts. We all just want to be heard.

Hope things improve for you 😀.

Motoko · 04/08/2019 22:31

That sounded lovely @Andysbestadventure, very well written too, I was right there with you!

Hope the shepherd's pie is delicious!

Simplyenchanted · 04/08/2019 22:43

@gonewiththepotter
I know exactly what you mean!

I have a lovely friend but she is the worst with this. I internally scream ‘It was two dates three years ago....I mean just why in the name of all that is holy is this still a thing ?? 🤬’. Yet still every conversation on the phone or in person within minutes she will roll around to it. Before I was a mum I had the time to let her go on but now I just don’t. I’ve had to have the awks chat about how I feel when she cuts me off and that I just need her to be more considerate! That or start paying me as her therapist as I could do with the cash on maternity. She’s got better but old habits die hard so I understand @Andysbestadventure that it’s hard to deal with and that you are sooo not alone in this.

What a lovely day you’ve had and you’ve inspired me to have a better day tomorrow with shepherds pie mmm 😁

Original poster
Andysbestadventure · 04/08/2019 22:45

@Motoko I'm a writer part-time as a hobby/work, so that is lovely to hear. Thank you Smile

OP posts:
Motoko · 05/08/2019 00:34

I'm glad to hear that! I hope you get plenty of work.

Lolyora17 · 05/08/2019 03:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

malificent7 · 05/08/2019 03:07

People are overrated...hermitude is the way foward!

Italiangreyhound · 05/08/2019 03:46

You are not expecting too much. You are expecting too little. You need to cut these rude calls and unpleasant times out with your mum, be less available for people who are horrible to you and get out and make new friends. You can always say 'Hey, you;ve talked about you for half an hour what about me." If they are real friends they will apologuise and engaged.

Agree with Wonkybanana "You just have to stop meeting/contacting them. Even your mum. If you can't avoid them, when they start just say sorry you have to go and leave or hang up. Don't keep waiting for it to be your turn because with people like that it never will be."

Italiangreyhound · 05/08/2019 03:49

"I do point it out and I do tell them. I know it's a losing battle with people like that."

That's why it is useful to have to go to the loo/leave early/receive a call. If they cannot take the hint, cut the meeting/call etc short.

you are not (in your words) a knob, you deserve to be listened to. Thanks

Crotchgoblins · 05/08/2019 05:47

@andysbestadventure you write beautifully. I know it's not the answer but would writing a diary or blog help.on a daily basis? Just to allow your day to.come out?

As for the friends and you mum- the situation sucks. Over the last 10 years I've had lots of berevements and crisises. The friends who.i have spent a lot of time supporting have not always been there for me when i needed support. It was often different friends I became closer to and they are friends that rarely ever ask for anything back. I do find with these fabulous friends though- they are excellent listeners and fantastic in a crisis but they are not at putting their own needs first for whatever reason. I need to directly question them to check all.is ok with them and pretty much hassle them.if they need help. They are so used to being everyone's rock.

gingersausage · 05/08/2019 07:14

I think some people are just destined to be “talkers” and some are destined to be “talked at”. (I hesitate to call them listeners...😉)

I have this with my mother, she just talks endlessly and basically isn’t interested in anything I say. Or rather anything I say, she can relate it to someone else far more interesting or important than me. I swear she knows far more about her next door neighbours’ grandchildren than she does about her own. She’s far more invested in her postman’s health problems than in mine. Her garden takes precedence over absolutely anything else. She knows more about where my cousin’s wife’s mother went on holiday than where I’m going. It used to really hurt and upset me, but now I just have to laugh about it for my own sanity. I’ve just given up telling her stuff. I’m having some fairly serious health issues at the moment that have been ongoing for the last 6 months and I’ve got to have some urgent follow up tests this week. She doesn’t know about any of it, because I can’t handle the rejection when she just glosses over it and starts telling me about how her friend’s ingrown toenail is so much worse 😒.

FookMeFookYou · 05/08/2019 07:18

Oh I get this totally, it's shit and ppl are shit

QueenEnid · 05/08/2019 10:30

Sounds like a lovely day @Andysbestadventure. 2 year olds are great fun aren't they 😁. My daughter is the same age and she's brilliant company!
I hope you enjoyed your pie last night and have a great day today x

QueenEnid · 05/08/2019 10:30

Sounds like a lovely day @Andysbestadventure. 2 year olds are great fun aren't they 😁. My daughter is the same age and she's brilliant company!
I hope you enjoyed your pie last night and have a great day today x

user1485851222 · 05/08/2019 18:03

I pick a colleague up every morning, from the minute they get in my car they talk about themselves, family etc.. never stop for breath or even how are you?, how was your weekend? Now I just find it amusing

probstimeforanewname · 05/08/2019 18:22

I think most people are like this - probably me included. Someone is talking and you are not really listening, just waiting for your turn to jump into the conversation.

My mum has a habit of completely changing the subject, which can be really annoying if you think a particular topic hasn't run its course yet. And it will be completely irrelevant to topic one.

I remember reading that confident people speak slowly because they know people listen to them. I gabble to get what I want to say into the gap before I will inevitably be interrupted. However, as I mentioned above, I know I am guilty of it too.

However, there is some give and take with my friends and family and it's not all about them.

DeniseRoyal · 05/08/2019 18:52

I get this alot too OP. I am surrounded by talkers, who sometimes don't let me in on their conversation, not on purpose, they just clearly have a lot more to say than I do. But it does hurt occasionally.

Boysey45 · 05/08/2019 18:52

Theres loads of people like this OP, you need to get them told and if they still wont listen then ditch them.
I wont entertain these types now and just change the subject if they are banging on too much or start looking away etc. They soon get the message.
I think generally people are very selfish and self absorbed.People would think it was unreasonable if you asked someone to grow wings and fly to the moon. Its the same thing with listening for 99% of the population, they don't have the capacity/ability to do it.

FastLane46 · 05/08/2019 19:06

I get this ALL THE TIME!!

I snapped at a close friend after he started trying to shove his phone in my face while I was talking because he wanted to show me something. I simply said "nah, if I want to see something on a phone I'll look at my own phone. I wanted to actually talk but if you're not gonna listen then I won't bother"

At one point I got told "you never talk about yourself" my reply was "well no one listens anyway so what's the point?!"

That turned in to a rant lol but OP there are a lot of people in the same boat.

Squashpocket · 05/08/2019 19:18

@gingersausage your description of your mother sounds exactly like mine. Why are they like this? Is it some kind of personality disorder or is it just normal? I'd love to know!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 05/08/2019 19:38

Isn’t talking at you and to you the same thing? As opposed to talking ‘with’ you?
Do you think maybe you’re not a great conversationalist and they are all ‘filling the gaps?’ Seems odd that everyone does this to you. Is it only recently?

FelicisNox · 05/08/2019 19:52

YANBU and you must feel shocking.

I suspect it's because you're such a good listener and it's time you made your feelings clear: first of all write your husband an email telling him how upset you feel and why. You don't need to have a go at him, it's likely he's just the straw that broke the camels back so just tell him you're upset and lonely and the reasons why.

Once you've done that send the same email to your mum and add in, that unless she chooses to communicate with you in a more positive way your meet ups will be on an indefinite hiatus and end with "thanks for your understanding".

Then put a status up on FB saying how much you love and appreciate your friends and family and that you are there for them any time they need you but until people start talking TO you rather than AT you and start taking an interest in YOUR life, you will be taking some time out for yourself and again, finish with "thanks for your understanding".

Don't do it today: wait 48hrs (or certain people will put 2 and 2 together and be offended) and don't answer your phone to anyone in the meantime. If it's an emergency they will leave you a message.

It's not about being a drama queen, it's about communicating what you want from those around you (they are not mind readers), taking some time out for yourself so you can decide what makes YOU happy and it will not only make people think about how they treat you (it's probably not deliberate) but it will create demand.

Best of luck.

ahmadsmom2015 · 05/08/2019 19:58

It’s hard when you expect the important people to listen to you. You need to find some groups or something. Do you have children so you could go to a mummy and child play group and meet other parents?
Or maybe find work so you are not so lonely? It may help you feel better and a little busy? I’m sorry if this is rubbish advice. But I know how it feels and any support is something I guess. It feels good when people listen. Maybe plan a holiday or staycation with hubby for when his project is over?

ssd · 05/08/2019 19:59

God I hear you op. Am sick of it also.

NorfolkNellie · 05/08/2019 20:04

I have the same as @gingersausage. I have had some serious health issues for the last few months but haven't mentioned a word to my family as it will be glossed over or I will have to manage them and how they feel. I can, however, tell you all about my parents trip to London and excatly what they ate down to the last pea. And their cousins next door neighbours cats visit to the vet for a sore ear.

I have also put some distance between myself and 60% of my friends as while I have supported and listened to them for years - I did not get it returned when ill. I realised that I have recreated the same dynamic I have with my mum - I am only of value if I listen and organise. It has been hurtful to realise that people don't care about you the way you thought - actually, the worst bit of the whole illness. But, this gives me a chance to change and put myself first.