Three weeks. Three f*cking weeks!

[Andysbestadventure]

Three weeks... since an adult talked 'to' me instead of 'at me'. It's probably longer. That is just how long I've been paying attention.

The most recent examples...

I met my Mum yesterday for a little day out to a gorgeous garden nursery. She talked at me the entire time. Didn't ask how I was, how life was, didn't ask me anything at all really. Just reeled off moan and jibe, one after the other for 4hrs. If I tried to talk about something or give a view on something it was met with stoney silence and total disinterest. This happens frequently.

My 'best' friend spent 2hrs, over dinner the other night, talking about her self and talking over me if I tried to respond or engage with it. Two solid hours. About her work, her staff, her dog, her nan, her auntie's dog, her work colleague's anxiety , how her food wasn't right, the drink was too cold... I can go on.

One of my once closest friends just called me from the car on his way to work. It was, ironically, supposed to be a quick chat to arrange to meet for a coffee in the next week or so, because he knows I've been having a rough time of things recently, and to talk quickly about something personal connected to it.

He spent the entire 35 minutes after the word 'Hello!' chatting away about a photocopier at work, I may as well have not been on the phone, then pulled up to the work carpark and he had to go, said goodbye, the rushed "bye bye bye bye bye" sort of thing, and he'd text me to sort the coffee & hung up. This also happens a lot, so I just almost snapped.

Husband has been mad busy with a project at work, so barely has time to say hello and rant about work over a rushed dinner, until next week when it's all over.

Is it me?? AIBU and expecting too much? Do I just have rubbish friends and family?

Sat still holding my phone with tears in my eyes because I am so frustrated, and for some reason, hurt, that I seem to be the only person I know capable of actually listening and engaging.

While typing this the door went and it was the amazon courier. He said hello and asked how I was and I nearly burst in to tears (and almost kissed him).

I've never felt so lonely when entirely surrounded by people all the time.

Andysbestadventure You must be one of those very rare people a Good Listener;!

Well I KNOW I am a good listener but you know what, I'd love to have someone listeningt to me from time to time too.
And it certainly dodsnt mean that other people are then allowed to stop making any effort to listen too.

But yes often people see a 'good listener' as an open invite to talk and talk wo ever listening :( or in other words, they see it as an invite to be sefish.

@regmover

You're absolutely right about the art of communication, but I think that for many, many people, it goes way beyond that. They are simply not interested in other people. The level of self-absorbtion and self-importance I have witnessed is baffling, shocking, and very sad.

You just have to stop meeting/contacting them.

@Wonkybanana, seeing how many people do exactely what the OP is describing, there wouldnt be a lot of people for me or her to talk to tbh.

The thing is, we teach people how to treat us. I'm not blaming you, but you put yourself in the role of 'listener' and now they think that's what you do!

I was also the 'listener' because that's the 'polite' thing to do. That's how you 'make friends'. It took time but I've finally gotten things to the point where my friends now listen to me, too. It wasn't easy but i set myself a 'time limit' to listen and then started redirecting the conversation to the things I wanted to talk about and set a time limit on that so the conversation became 'give and take. Eventually, things evened out.

I also discovered who my true friends were as some 'friends' seemed to drift away once they realized I wasn't going to sit and listen to them for hours without being able to talk about my life, too.

That has got to suck, OP. What a bunch of self-absorbed twats you appear to have in your life. You should just interrupt them midflow next time and say “Can I just stop you there?” then walk away or hang up. They’ll want to know what’s up and that’ll be your opportunity to tell them a conversation is supposed to be a dialogue not a monologue.

Take control of the conversation and steer it to where you would like it to go

I get this, with my mum, my kids and my workmates, I do have my mum and kids sussed though, when they're rambling on I stop taking any interest, so no comments, no agreeing or nodding in agreement with them, just a glazed over look, they then seem to grind to a halt after a while and stop, look at me and ask how I am 😁 doesn't work on the phone though so I just have to tell my mum I need to go, but she can tell me all about it when I see her.

I used to have a friend who would turn up at all times of day or night with her son, send her son off to play with my kids and then corner me in the kitchen to tell me all about her life. She once explained a whole movie to me, for about 45 minutes after I said I wasn't interested in seeing it. We're not friends anymore 😁

My friends tend to be talkers and I'm the listener. I don't know if it's because I'm a good listener or totally boring to listen to.

(listen is now looking like a stupid word after writing it down a few times)

This is always happening to me. I have a quiet voice which doesn't help, but l'll be sat in the pub with dh or friends and people start talking about various subjects that l am interested in or l have a funny or interesting anecdote about etc and l just can't for the life of me get in to the conversation so just trail off in middle of first sentence the other person whose started talking after me overpowers me. So then l wait till they've finished and try again and no someone else will do the same. I know for a fact that they have heard me start to speak, it's just so fecking rude OP. I don't know the answer but l feel your pain l know a very small minority of people that don't do this and lm ok one on one with them because they do let me speak but it seems the majority do like the sound of their own voice overistening to others.
Worst example was out with a few close girlfriends one of whom doesn't do this, but one is terrible for it and the other is great in her own but does it in a group. The 'terrible for it' one has been talking for an age about her recent break up and how he's stalking her etc etc (he's a mutual friend of dh) and we all listened though as usual l couldn't contribute one word even though other two managed to get a few comments in etc. Then after about half an hour of this l finally managed to find a silent chink in the conversation and started my to say something. A few words in the worst offender said 'Come on Bahhh stop bloody talking as usual and drink up were going somewhere else'
I was raging and for once in.my life l called her out on it and said 'That's first time lve managed get a bloody word in actually' My mate (one who doesn't do this) jumped in then to confirm this was the case and stick up for me. They don't like this though and she (the worst offender) ended up flouncing off early so it kinda soured the day out really.

I was so startled recently when a group of people listened to me in a social situation that I got all embarrassed and started faltering, came to a halt and then just sat there with them all looking at me in silence

Well done Bahhhh for calling them out on it. You deserve to have your voice heard.

Hi op.........how are you feeling now????

For everyone saying I'm too polite and need to tell them, stand up for myself etc... I am very far from that.

I stand my ground, I am anything but too polite when people talk over me. It's that they don't want to hear anyone else's voice but their own. They don't want anyone else to get a word in, they just want to offload all the time, every time.

And it does my pissing bloody head in.

I do point it out and I do tell them. I know it's a losing battle with people like that. My mother's social skills, beyond pleasantries with strangers, are generally that of a dead kipper and she is a bit of a well hidden narc. I am slowly pulling away from that relationship. She's my Mum and I love her but she's not a very nice person deep down when it comes to a lot of things.

My 'best' friend is a huge pain in the arse to be honest and I'm done with her. She is exhausting and she's just found out she's pregnant too so it is now going to be 10,000x more unbearable. I love her but I just can't be fucking arsed anymore. She sucks the life out of me.

My close friend text me to apologise for not letting me get a word in earlier and he's just stressed and was rushed. I get that. He was just the straw that broke my metaphorical camel's back today.

Husband is also great generally. He's just swamped right now so he gets a free pass. He'll be back to normal soon. I get lost in my work too sometimes.

I just feel like a sounding board for everyone else and I'm going through a pretty tough time, so I don't need it. I need them, or anyone to listen, just for once. I don't want to be the one with my shit together right now. I want to be the one lost that needs help but no one is letting me.

God, I'm a knob.

Same Here, with my family. I always call them and they spend the time talking about how fantastic my niece and my sister are and what the two are up to. I never ever get asked how I am or how is my child, ever.

I stopped ringing them since Christmas, they now ring me every couple of months and have started asking what I am up to. I feel much better even if the interest is not really there, because I am no longer the one who gets all the effort, so they still don’t care but we have found some balance in not caring much about each other.

Same with friends that go into a monologue, I do not bother anymore and it is actually less lonely to not see them at all than being at the same table alone because they are on their phone posting photos about the stupid food and dealing with the replies.

WRT the husband, that is not on and I think you should bring the topic up. He may be busy or frustrated but you also have your own struggles (and he is the only one you can’t avoid because he lives in the same house)

Are you chatty OP? Or a bit more introvert? I think in this ‘always on’ world, people are used to constant noise / conversation. So if you meet someone but you are particularly quiet they may just chatter to fill the gaps. I don’t know if I’m explaining that very well (and I may be a bit guilty of it myself) but are you chatty? Engaged? Volunteering information about yourself etc? It might not be deliberate.

Sorry you’re feeling low 💐

Hugs @Andysbestadventure You're not a knob. It's shit when you realise that other people aren't as invested at checking you're ok as you are with them.

Tell us about your day. What's happening with you? D

You have my sympathy OP. I have no idea how to overcome it unfortunately. I worked with people like this and it does nothing for your esteem. I also have a few friends that talk at me, and I end up just sitting and listening and inserting a few yes and no’s hopefully in the right places!

I’ve now also noticed that some friends don’t even read my text messages fully. I asked a friend whether we should have lunch at a garden centre the next day and that was totally ignored.

Perhaps I’m just too boring! Hang on, is anyone reading this??? 😫

I can really relate to this. My MIL is the worst. I entertain myself by dropping crazy titbits of info into the conversation eg. that Ive found a gold nugget in the freezer or that our dog has to have all his legs amputated. It doesn't matter how absurd, the self centered people either completely ignore and carry on regardless or use it as a launch pad for some boring , irrelevant monologue about their friend's sister's hamster which lost a leg.

Hi @Andysbestadventure I feel like this sometimes and just end up wanting to spit everything out to my DH in one go, which is overwhelming, as I’ve not spoken to an adult for a week or so. Only thing I can say is, when you do finally get the chance to air your thoughts and talk about you and how things are with you, that’s when you end up being the person who talks about themselves and the listener feels like you do now.... so it’s swings and roundabouts lol
Think you and DH should arrange a dinner out, and you can chat about inane stuff for the night.

@Nannewnannew I'm reading!

@venustiger I don't even want to talk about me, as such. I just want to talk and have a meaningful conversation. It could be about dry cat food for all I care really. It would just take the weight off my shoulders for a few moments and not be so lonely. Just knowing someone actually wants to 'talk' to me is what I'm getting at I guess. We don't have the cash right now, sadly, nor readily available childcare for our ds(2).

I've got as mate who will talk the hind leg of a donkey he just hasnt got and never understands empathy! Now some years ago DD1 was stuck at the Glastonbury festival she was not at all well and begging for me to come and collect her and a couple of mates seemd like food poisoning.

I was in the middle of a very bad bought of Flu and could hardly move I was looking at getting a Taxi van to take me there when mate phones up I managed to get in a couple of words about the problem with the daughter then he said to;

"Give us her mobile number and one of her mates in case her battey runs out i'll be off to there, just let me get some Diesel first" and with that he did a 300 mile round trip and was back c/w daughters and mates in the small hours.

Would'nt take a penny for the fuel even, just said "you owe me one mate"!

Whic i have repaid over time but he 's still someone where you can never get a word in;!

I totally understand this. Personally I think it’s the whole ‘MH’ issue where everyone is encouraged to ‘talk’ to everyone around them when they’re ‘struggling’.

I hit this point about 2 years ago where two of my best friends were going through (never ending) break ups. The ...spend 5 hours complaining and then get back together kind. And the third was totally broke and in the last year of a super hard degree.

It got to the point where I would spend 3-4 hours a day either on the phone or meeting up with them (around my full time job) and ALL they did was bitch/wings and complain non stop about their terrible MH and talk at me having the exact conversation we’d had five million times already!

Then I had something traumatic happen...and none of them gave a shit. One actually stopped me mid sentence and said “sorry but I’m dealing with so much of my own stuff atm that I can’t take on yours too”

So I just stopped answering the phone/ meeting up with them. We are still friends but nowhere near as close as we were.

It’s good to talk if you have MH concerns. But it’s MORE important to realise your friends are NOT your therapist!

(Ironically I suggested to all 3 they see a therapist instead of winge to me! Two complained it was too expensive and then continued to talk at me 😡)

Today we (me & ds(2)) went to the park, with a picnic. I was up at 8am making it all up and packing it in the 'big' backpack with his spare clothes and nappies.

We played in the long grass, chasing monsters. He ate his bodyweight in grapes and then spent what felt like hours laughing and drawing dinosaur footprints in the beechnuts and dirt under the tree canopies, 'stomping' our way along them.

DS is quite ahead with his talking for his age, so I just stood back for a while listening to him chatter on about spinosaurus and the t-rex that was apparently behind us 😂 watching him run away then run back and grab my hand to come run with him.

We played roly-poly on the hill and I felt like a human cheese wheel at that odd festival! 😁

We came home and watched some cartoons while I tidied up and made his dinner, putting it on the table just as his Dad came home. And I started working then (I work from home).

It's now 9.42pm and he's only gone to sleep 40minutes ago. I'm sat on a chair at my kitchen table writing this, watching the gravy drip from the enamel dish in the oven. I've just made a rough shepherds pie for a late dinner for me and DH and it's smells like heaven.

I rarely drink but a glass of cheap white wine (the sweet stuff) would be perfect right now.

It sounds like a lovely day.

So trueOP..there can be no lonlier feeling than having friends&family like this&waking up to that reality..you sound like you've accepted its all one-way,so as an adult,YOU choose when/if you see these people so minimise the damage..its far easier with a couple of quality mates vs oodles of people who could chat away to literally anyone prepared to listen-we've all had friends like this!The trick is recognising&ditching it if your self esteems taking a hit.I left this nonsense behind when i emigrated&had chance to reflect outside the situ.Stay strongthere are plenty of similar people to you out there-myself included!