Three weeks. Three f*cking weeks!

[Andysbestadventure]

Three weeks... since an adult talked 'to' me instead of 'at me'. It's probably longer. That is just how long I've been paying attention.

The most recent examples...

I met my Mum yesterday for a little day out to a gorgeous garden nursery. She talked at me the entire time. Didn't ask how I was, how life was, didn't ask me anything at all really. Just reeled off moan and jibe, one after the other for 4hrs. If I tried to talk about something or give a view on something it was met with stoney silence and total disinterest. This happens frequently.

My 'best' friend spent 2hrs, over dinner the other night, talking about her self and talking over me if I tried to respond or engage with it. Two solid hours. About her work, her staff, her dog, her nan, her auntie's dog, her work colleague's anxiety , how her food wasn't right, the drink was too cold... I can go on.

One of my once closest friends just called me from the car on his way to work. It was, ironically, supposed to be a quick chat to arrange to meet for a coffee in the next week or so, because he knows I've been having a rough time of things recently, and to talk quickly about something personal connected to it.

He spent the entire 35 minutes after the word 'Hello!' chatting away about a photocopier at work, I may as well have not been on the phone, then pulled up to the work carpark and he had to go, said goodbye, the rushed "bye bye bye bye bye" sort of thing, and he'd text me to sort the coffee & hung up. This also happens a lot, so I just almost snapped.

Husband has been mad busy with a project at work, so barely has time to say hello and rant about work over a rushed dinner, until next week when it's all over.

Is it me?? AIBU and expecting too much? Do I just have rubbish friends and family?

Sat still holding my phone with tears in my eyes because I am so frustrated, and for some reason, hurt, that I seem to be the only person I know capable of actually listening and engaging.

While typing this the door went and it was the amazon courier. He said hello and asked how I was and I nearly burst in to tears (and almost kissed him).

I've never felt so lonely when entirely surrounded by people all the time.

I hear ya... my mum is also like this and my best friend

I know exactly how you feel, OP. Hugs and flowers.

OP you write so well. I enjoy reading it all. What did you get up to this afternoon?

I hear you OP. It's not you it's them. I would say 50% of my friends are like this and 50% are not. I did an experiment with one of them where in any gaps I said things that basically were not replies or relevant to anything they said to see whether they noticed. They didn't!!! Sometimes I don't mind as the monologue is very funny but with others it's draining as it's just moaning. I don't know how to change the dynamic, I think sometimes you are put into a role and no matter how much you try and fight it, the other person will not budge.

I hope you had a better day today @Andysbestadventure

It's good that you realise you've had enough of your 'best' friend. You should see as little as possible of people who suck the life out of you, for your own wellbeing.

If your mother doesn't live too far away could you just meet for a coffee or a quick bite of lunch rather than four long hours?

You do write beautifully. That was a very engaging account of your day!

I Truly hear you op.
I made a decision the other week to just carry on talking if I was interrupted. it's a bit weird in a one to one chat, works better on a group.
I thought I’d have a go with interrupting too, but decided against because it feels so rude.
I’m just very receptive, and can always see what’s needed in a situation, so it’s eady for me to see that friend A needs to get stuff off their chest etc. But I also need to work on where I fit in with being heard.
I’m quite robust, don’t create drama, and don’t have a need to chatter on, but every now and then I DO need to be heard.

There is no excuse for this - none. Sympathy op. Other adults talking non stop about themselves and never asking about you - makes my blood boil. We had it rammed into as kids “always ask about the other person” very grateful to my mother as she taught social skills. She has more friends than anyone I know.

Oh, I hear you OP.
By the time I left my stbxh of nearly 40 years a two way conversation was nonexistent. I didn't bother to tell him any news or how my day had been, and as for expressing an opinion - waste of breath! It was soul destroying being spoken over constantly and having to listen to the same boring monologue ....
I'm never lonely now I'm living alone but I was crippled with loneliness before I left.

I feel you. It's lonely I know. X

My DBro does this. I don’t speak to him for months at a time & when he calls he just talks at me for at least an hour about his latest girlfriend, his job, random people he works with etc. He doesn’t once ask how I am or the DCs. Last time he called I put him on speakerphone & carried on doing jobs with the occasional one word answer. He didn’t even realise I wasn’t listening as he just talked the whole time!

It happens to me too... Give the friend a £1..To phone someone who gives a damn

I think a lot of people are like this.
As I have grown older I have drifted away from the real offenders as I would rather be on my own than been an earhole for someone self absorbed.

There is a clear difference from being supportive and being used.

Regarding your mother, dramatically cut the time you spend in her company.

Reserve your energy for people who listen to you.

Good call ditching your so called best friend, who's pregnant. Thus avoiding a very long 9 months🙄

It's been tough today, but manageable. I've felt a little fragile after a tough nights sleep, which isn't like me at all.

I near lost it with my Mother earlier as I went round to pick up some clothes I'd left of DS's and she started up again about something trivial. Ignored every word I bothered to say and then tried to take over repeatedly when DS was acting up (hot & bothered), swooping in at every opportunity. I scooped him up, pretended to have an appointment and left.

A little ashamed to say I parked up down the road, under the tree canopy near a local play area, put cbeebies radio on for DS and the aircon and just sat and silently cried in the front seat for 20 minutes.

'best' friend is already hounding me for attention and I've swerved answering every text in any great detail so far. Grey rock is my plan here I think.

When I'd pulled myself together, we went for a drive along the river and I decided it was the perfect warm but breezy day to have a little run around at the Marina. Wrist strap on tight and harness on for extra safety (he's a danger seeking & big 2yr old! 😂) we wandered along, running our hands along the railings, giggling as I gave him a stick to run along them and make each one 'ding' as we walked past. You'd think he'd just discovered fire. His little smile was spread ear to ear.

We came home and I gave him a new book to look at. Postman Bear must be sick of his job, I reckon, with all of those neighbours! DS certainly was after reading it three times in a row and then putting it in the kitchen bin 🙈 Rescued sharpish and detoll'ed thankfully.

DH has been great today. He could tell lastnight and today that I'm not quite right, and has been obliging me with conversational texts all day, including describing in great detail how he thought he had a thread loose on his work shorts all morning, tickling his leg on the way to work. Nope. But he did have a new pet Caterpillar! 😱🤢

Not going to lie about that one. I laughed harder than I have in a long time at that! 😁

Having young children is a very intense time. It doesn't leave much time for anything else in your life. It's all-enveloping. It seems to me that you need to seek out people who are going through the same thing as you . I think they could give you what you need.

I am sure your friends don't mean it badly but they may just be having difficulty relating you at present because your going through this intense experience.

Find some people who can give you what you need now and catch up with the the others again later down the road.

How on earth did he manage to pick up a caterpillar, striding through undergrowth?

Poor Postman Bear, ending up in the bin! My son's favourite book was Burglar Bill. He had the book, and cassette with Bernard Cribbins reading it. He absolutely loved that.

Ah, and running a stick along the railings sounds like fun!

Relationships evolve and so does our understanding of them. The most important person in my life recently died and I have struggled to come to terms my devastating loss. My perception has changed in my hour(s) of need and it was extraordinarily clarifying to realise who was there for me and more particularly who was not. As a result I have a much smaller more supportive network around me and much more balanced relationships. I'm much happier and don't miss all the 'OMG you won't f...ing believe this' dramas queens and their centre staging. Rather long explanation to encourage you to reassess who gives and who takes and gently move forward with kind and loving people. God bless.

I am sorry to hear that you are so upset at the moment, but I think it is a little harsh to go "grey rock" on a friend who is pregnant, isn't it?! I am not sure grey rock is such a great method anyway. If anyone who is usually responsive stops being responsive it makes the other person wonder why and push harder. Unless you have definitely definitely decided to go low contact forever, of course, though I am not sure this would be a kind time to choose to do it? Someone did it to me once and I was completely confused, as they were being so obfuscating in their texts I had to text more than usual to try to work out what was happening. It was an absolute pain in the butt as I had no idea whether they were ok or not, whether I should be dropping everything to go and see if they were caught under a huge rock, not able to move at all other than their little finger which was managing to type confusing four word sentences.

I think most people are as you describe, most people talk a lot about themselves if they can. It is poor social skills to talk at someone, but it isn't necessarily mean.

I think it can be very isolating and lonely looking after small children and that is a part of the problem for you, it will get better as time goes on.

How about you try to maintain the existing relationships in a low key way, let your close friend go, be kind to your best friend as she is pregnant but set out some boundaries clearly for her - I am sure she knows she talks about herself too much and just say you want to set time limits, rather than confuse her with Grey Rock - and - and this is the important bit - make NEW FRIENDS who you can engage with in the way you want. Then you won't be lonely AND you won't be burning bridges or creating unhappiness or confusion around you.

I wouldn't burn too many bridges if you can help it, you may regret it and create hurt and a rod for your own back. It is best to rub along with people, even if they are annoying and talk at you, and learn to manage the relationship, and you are of course ever free to find NEW people to engage with, you don't HAVE to be upset or ditch people! Good luck!

@twomonthoffer
Good advice.

I think the problem can be that it is so exhausting been talked at endlessly when your own life is so busy.

When you carve out time from a busy schedule to catch up with someone, you'd like a shared experience.

There is something very dehumanising in someone talking at you endlessly.

After a while it kills the relationship and becomes a chore.
Definitely try less availability with the exhausting people in your life and try and use the extra time to meet new people be it a classes or child based activities.

Good luck OP

YANBU. There are an awful lot of folk as you describe.

My dad is the same. He waffles on and on, and ignores anything I have to say. I’m going through a big change in my life and I can’t explain how I feel to anyone, as nobody will want to listen, let alone understand.

I spent a day with a ‘friend’ last week, her husband is wealthy and all she ever does is moan about everything. The fact that he wanted to buy her a fur coat, yet another new car, the fact that she can’t walk into town from her mansion. She lives in a bubble and has no idea what’s in the real world. She said they have so much money but can’t spend it as there’s just too much. We went out to dinner but she split the bill. Everything is all about her life, and that’s all she’s interested in. She has no other friends.

Luckily I do have 2 friends who know the art of conversation and I’ll just be sticking with them.

I will be moving away from the area and I doubt anyone will care or notice that I’ve gone, but I know who I’ll be handing invites to for visiting me.

Op, I’ve always said that nobody gives a shit about anyone these days. It’s sad. Family should care, but it seems not always.

Op I feel exactly the same recently, not sure if the moon is in retrograde or whether people are just generally this disappointing and you only notice when you are feeling really low and need support. I have decided that taking a trip to somewhere where all people focus on is what is relevant to survive would put things in perspective. If you have to deal with bleating, it may as well come from the mountain goats of Peru, right? On a serious note, please feel free to drop me a pm if you need a chat. Nobody should feel lonely and sometimes the best listeners are complete strangers. All the best

i recently got the feeling my best friend wasnt really interested in me and i was just a sounding board. shes been my friend for 14 years. i have a wide circle of different friends and she is more quiet and just has me. she works from home and is a single parent of a teenager so can go weeks without coming into contact with another adult.

i then looked back through out texts. we text on average 30 messages a day. in 10 days she had not asked me one question or commented on anything i sent. I sent her a photo of a dress for a work commitment and her reply was just to show me her new dress. I sent her photos of my DDs I had done and she changed the subject. not one actual sign i was speaking (apart from when we discussed her life in detail).

i stopped texting her one day and just didnt reply to her message. its been almost a month and im far far happier and dont feel as used.

it may be time for you to cut some deadwood.

Sending hugs; my MIL is a pro at talking over me and rebuffing all my attempts to engage in conversation!

People are terrible at caring and listening. I work on it, sometimes get it right bit sometimes get it wrong. However I always ask how people are and lusten to the reply and ask questions. Your not expecting too much at all - I spend less time with people like this it's draining. Try to meet new friends, I joined a book club and love it.

I understand how frustrating it is!

So OP, how are you? How are you feeling? Any plans for today?
I hope you have a lovely day