Three weeks. Three f*cking weeks!

[Andysbestadventure]

Three weeks... since an adult talked 'to' me instead of 'at me'. It's probably longer. That is just how long I've been paying attention.

The most recent examples...

I met my Mum yesterday for a little day out to a gorgeous garden nursery. She talked at me the entire time. Didn't ask how I was, how life was, didn't ask me anything at all really. Just reeled off moan and jibe, one after the other for 4hrs. If I tried to talk about something or give a view on something it was met with stoney silence and total disinterest. This happens frequently.

My 'best' friend spent 2hrs, over dinner the other night, talking about her self and talking over me if I tried to respond or engage with it. Two solid hours. About her work, her staff, her dog, her nan, her auntie's dog, her work colleague's anxiety , how her food wasn't right, the drink was too cold... I can go on.

One of my once closest friends just called me from the car on his way to work. It was, ironically, supposed to be a quick chat to arrange to meet for a coffee in the next week or so, because he knows I've been having a rough time of things recently, and to talk quickly about something personal connected to it.

He spent the entire 35 minutes after the word 'Hello!' chatting away about a photocopier at work, I may as well have not been on the phone, then pulled up to the work carpark and he had to go, said goodbye, the rushed "bye bye bye bye bye" sort of thing, and he'd text me to sort the coffee & hung up. This also happens a lot, so I just almost snapped.

Husband has been mad busy with a project at work, so barely has time to say hello and rant about work over a rushed dinner, until next week when it's all over.

Is it me?? AIBU and expecting too much? Do I just have rubbish friends and family?

Sat still holding my phone with tears in my eyes because I am so frustrated, and for some reason, hurt, that I seem to be the only person I know capable of actually listening and engaging.

While typing this the door went and it was the amazon courier. He said hello and asked how I was and I nearly burst in to tears (and almost kissed him).

I've never felt so lonely when entirely surrounded by people all the time.

Sometimes people hide their insecurities by talking. They don’t like silences so feel they have to fill it. Maybe they forget to listen to other people because they’re so used to filling the silence.

@billy1966 I agree it is exhausting and very tough if you are busy.

I think there are two different possibilities here - someone who is talking "at" you because they have no social skills, they are lonely, they are completely stressed out about something. Or someone who doesn't care about you at all and just wants to use you and this is a consistent and draining thing. The two are quite different but only the second is toxic I think.

Most people I know who do it fall into the first camp.

Anyone in the second camp I would not want contact with - though I think it is better to be as straight as possible with them. Not ghost or grey rock. Though I might be wrong there. And I do think suddenly deciding to pull away when someone is pregnant is unfair, better to impose some boundaries assertively but gently, because grey rock might be stressful for them and stress isn't good for pregnancies.

But I got the impression all three you mentioned, OP, fell into the first camp - ie just a bit useless at relationships or stressed out - was I wrong there? And it was more loneliness being the problem than being put upon?

OP I hope I am not treading on toes here, but I do think the fact that you have not had a meaningful discussion with your dh in 3 weeks is a bit worrying - I didn't really think about that first time I posted, sorry.
Even in relationships where people are busy it is important to stay connected and engage with the other person, though I think you are saying that he is now making an effort? I have been through something similar in a relationship and it was very lonely so I sympathise

PS - get out there and make new friends, there are lots of people out there who would value a two way conversation!! Probably especially mothers of toddlers, like a pp has said!

How are you OP? What's been happening in your day? I really appreciate your ability to be still and connected when the rest of the world is busy and on transmit. Don't loose heart or faith. You are appreciated and seen.

Totally understand x

OP, being a stay at home mum is basically the most isolating job I’ve ever had.
It sounds like you get out a lot which is fab. Are there any local play groups near? Those helped me a lot.

I hope that today is going well for you today

And you allow them to do this because?

Time they hear you roar @Andysbestadventure

OP I really enjoyed hearing about your day. It's inspired me to make a shepherd's pie for tonight's dinner.

I had the same issue as you a few years ago. I think if you're naturally a listener/organiser/how can I help sort of person, it's very easy to fall into the company of people who expect that help to be a constant one sided thing. My parents work in vocational jobs, as do I, as does my husband - as a family we've always been very community focused, first to volunteer at the PTA, helping old ladies across streets, that sort of thing. It's not because we're lovely, giving people, simply that for whatever reason, we've had a strong sense of social responsibility absolutely drummed into us. Unfortunately in terms of personal life, this has absolutely turned into people taking advantage at times. I used to see it happen to my mum - on one notable occasion she befriended a recently widowed lady who had moved to the area, and long story short, ended up cleaning this woman's house for her while she stood and watched... The woman was constantly on the phone having crisis after crisis... Anyway the exact same thing started happening with me, until I cottoned on. It's depressing when you realise that people only contact you to off load their latest shit, it's like they only associate your friendship with some sort of misery or difficulty. I have pared down my social group, and have to almost force myself to think in a more selfish "me first" way, because honestly I was being drained to the point where I couldn't focus on my own family. I can feel myself slipping at times - people hinting/asking for help, my automatic reaction is to say "ooh I'll give you a lift/leave your DC here/I'll do Xyz" but I'm better at saying no or turning the conversation.

It's a bit of a relief to discover that other people have experienced being talked 'at' and not 'with'.

I'm very lucky in that my best friend understands how to converse, so there's at least one person in my life that wants to know how I am or feel on a regular basis.

I too am good at listening. I genuinely am interested in people's lives and how they think and feel. Unfortunately that puts me at a disavantage when 'friends' that I make turn out to be talkers.

I agree with everyone of you who says how demeaning it feels not to be considered worth taking any interest in, and to discover that your only role is to be a sounding board.

Strategies? For those who allow me to start a sentence then cut in, I sit there with my mouth open and just look at them. Occasionally, if they notice or draw breath, I'll say "as I was saying". Otherwise I'll just sit there staring at them until they realise I've stopped responding. Sometimes I'll turn my gaze away or down.

Other responses I've used?

"Sorry, I thought you just wanted me to listen to you."

"Sorry - you want me to talk now?

"Sorry, I forgot it was meant to be a conversation."

Passive-aggressive, yes. But at least I'm not being as rude as them. I did actually count up the number of times I'd tried to begin to say something once, and when they eventually commented that I wasn't speaking, I replied that I'd given it x number of tries before I was interrupted, so I thought I'd better give up.

There are currently three people who seem to want my company in order to talk at me, but I don't seem to be in any hurry to arrange meetings . . .

Bear in mind that I am getting on in years now, and it's somehow easier to decide and act on the conviction 'I deserve better than this'.

My MIL is like this. She's a nice person but she launches into lengthy monologues inclusive of all minute details and I just want to rip my ears off! Not a second to get a word in, and if I did, she'd just carry on exactly where she left off as if I'd never spoken!

A colleague (who is now a very close friend) at work actually recently told me, that she didn't realise, until meeting the great team of awesome women we have at work, how crap her actual friends are. She can barely stand to spend time with them now that she has seen the other side; people that actually care and want to hear about you, rather than just using you as a diary basically!

I am embarrassed to confess that many years ago I was that inconsiderate friend and relative. Going thru a nightmare divorce followed by a very long,on/off, toxic relarionship, I used to spend hours talking about my problems to my best friend and my sister, who bless them, tolerated my madness.
Years on and much more settled, I have come to recognise my self absorbed behaviour and I've since taught myself to always, always make sure I ask the other person about their family, work, recent holiday etc and have a proper conversation about whatever relevant topic before bringing myself into the conversation, if at all.
I do however consider myself to be a good listener and problem solver for others and I worked for a several months in a very intense, high volume complaints department of a finance company. I was good at my job but the strain of dealing with people's problems, day in, day out eventually led to quite a long bout of stress so I completely understand how this can impact on someone's frame of mind.
Karma taught me a bit of a lesson there, and now, I rarely share any of my problems with family or friends, by the time they get to know about stuff, the crisis is usually over.
I don't have much contact with my older friends as I moved away ( they probably had a party to celebrate haha) but I have made new friends now and am wary of never taking them for granted. I have since come to realise that my new friends have interesting, chaotic lives and difficulties just like everyone else. Keeping my trap shut has definitely opened my eyes to how much you can learn about the people you care about.

I'll be your friend we're in the same boat!

I can't abide people like that. It's a confluence of poor social skills and selfishness.

The thing is, people lie that can be good at breaking the ice or in a group setting, so the get positive reinforcement for being entertaining and never learn when to switch gears.

Just because they talk doesn’t mean you have to listen.

@ArDali1

We had another chilled out one today.

I did some work before DS woke up and turned the house in to a whirlwind. Sat at my desk looking out of the back bedroom window and watching the world wake up, little by little. By that, I obviously mean my neigbours in the buildings behind, and me being a nosey mare I just watched and waited while drinking my first proper hot coffee in several days.

Their blinds and curtains opened one by one. Bathroom window by bathroom window fogging up and being flung open with the heavy 'wchack' that only double glazing can give.

DS smothered the dining table with jam and porridge, mashing toast crumbs in to his hair. So we had a quick dunk under the shower then both got dressed and went adventuring.

Chasing bees and running away from flies, throwing our small football in to the wildflower verges ad infinitum... Playing 'how many times can I make Mama go in to get it before she straps me in to my pram' 😂 the answer to that by the way is 23.

After a poor show of dinosaur hunting in the bushes after, I offloaded him back in to the car and then shortly after in to a Tesco trolley.

There was something theraputic about just slowly walking up each and every aisle, while DS discussed the finer points of the free banana from the kids fruit stand, about 23 times, as he attempted this time to squish it in to my hair 🤨. I feel it might be his lucky number!

We had a lovely chat with an elderley gentleman who was waiting for his taxi. DS took great pleasure in showing off his banana peel and then also his tantruming skills when the man's taxi arrived.

He napped when we got home. Collapsing on the couch while protesting his sleepiness and woke up to DH coming through the front door, just as dinner was hitting the dining table.

I abandoned ship after that. DH put him to bed and I locked myself away with work. I've written the same paragraph six times so far and will give up on the 7th attempt and then go to bed!

I'm hoping writing this out will have broken the mental block a little for me. We shall find out.

Honestly you should write a blog.

@waytoearly unsure if you meant that as a compliment or if you're telling me to piss off away 🤔😂

@Mslogic I'm just writing to break the writers block I have this evening. It's not so much what I want to be 'heard' with. Don't worry. My post was more about being stuck surrounded by people who don't listen or engage and just sound off at me. I've already started to change that. I figured in the interim it was my turn for a little while - and the internet is always listening ☺️

Hi OP. How are you today? Hope you're ok
What you described sounds pretty soul-destroying, but I'm wondering how you would feel about being honest with these people about your feelings?

I'd read your blog @Andysbestadventure !

Long time lingered but first time posting.Op this so resonated with me,I have the same problem in fact the only person I enjoy talking with is my daughter and she lives in Australia.My sil and bil moved away last year and now use any excuse to come and stay.Sil talks constantly about her bloody tablets,her dry eyes,her congested nose in fact everything about herself.Not once does she ask how I am.Decided they will not be staying here again they can get a b@b.

Oh bless you Andysbest, I meant it would make a good blog.

I've already started to change that

Have you spoken to your DH and your best friend and mother, what did they say?

Have you thoughts about what you can do to make new friends or is that not top of your priorities?

And why did your dc start tantruming when the taxi arrived incidentally?! Not sure why that grabbed my attention... I just wondered and thought it might be nice for you to know that people are listening and interested

I think writing can be quite isolating too, to be honest. You need to be focused in your own world for quite long periods of time, which means it is easy to lose touch with things going on around you sometimes - do you find that?