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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious

153 replies

suckerforbrowneyes · 04/08/2019 14:17

My friend has had quite bad mental health for the past few years. She holds down a good job and has been married to her DH for about 6/7 years. He has a great job too.

She had a baby 7 weeks ago and had a rough pregnancy with sickness and other aches and pains. I have two children and was on hand to sympathise with her. I gave her quite a few items to borrow for her baby (yet to receive a thank you for these but hey ho)

Anyway, since the baby has been born I’ve checked in with her every maybe 5/6 days just asking how she is and general chit chat. Bare in mind she’s had poor mental health that continued into her pregnancy and she worried about it continuing and becoming PND.

Anyway, she replies to these messages and this morning I get a message from her obviously meant for someone else which read, “that c*nt sucker keeps annoying me with text messages asking how I am.” amongst other things not related to me.

I didn’t respond immediately but she obviously hadn’t realised she’d sent it to the wrong person.

I relied

“Far from being a c*nt, I was checking in every so often as I know a new baby can be a bit isolating. However, since this is your opinion of me, I suggest that here is where we draw a line under the friendship. I expect my children’s belongings which I let you borrow returned to me and I’ll pick them up this week.”

She has replied: “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it. You’ve been great to me in the past few months.”

Aibu to just say thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 04/08/2019 16:15

Most definitely get your stuff back. If you do call for it yourself be prepared for tears and excuses so grab it and go.

Idontwanttotalk · 04/08/2019 16:25

She's probably so busy with her little one and your regular contact is problably too much for her under the circumstances (even though you thought you were being helpful).

It wasn't nice of her to say what she did tnough and although she's apologised she hasn't explained why she said it. I would want to know why she said such a thing before I could decide if she was forgiven and whether I wanted to remain friends or not.

Charles11 · 04/08/2019 16:26

I’d definitely end that friendship. What a nasty person she is.
I agree with a pp that it sounds like she’s been talking about you being annoying with this person.

She clearly has other friends and doesn’t need your support and kindness anyway. Her loss as you sound lovely.

timshelthechoice · 04/08/2019 16:27

Do not go back from dropping her no matter how much she apologises. It's over. Personally I'd write off the stuff but if you get it back then great.

cottonwoolsnowmen · 04/08/2019 16:31

That must have been a sucker punch to read. Not sure I could be bothered with the drama of trying to collect stuff from her, but I guess it depends what it was.

In fairness to pp, death or not, people going through a tough time tend to find specific offers of help/support more useful than "let me know if I can do anything" or "are you ok?" messages. If life is shit, for whatever reason, trying to think up what you could ask people to do can feel impossible, but having someone offer the specific little things they know they could do to help can make a huge difference. Similarly, if things have stayed shit for a long time and you're always being asked if you're OK as if that's the only reason the person wants to talk to you it feels isolating when you can't say "yes, I'm fine".

I think it was a bit unfair of you to shoot that observation down just because the poster was drawing on a bereavement. Having been hurt doesn't mean there's no space in this for you to reflect on your own behaviour too - not in terms of blame or criticism (and you certainly didn't deserve to be called a cunt), but just whether the next time you want to support someone you care about if there isn't a different approach that might be more useful for them...

Having good intentions doesn't make us perfect or mean the person on the receiving end has to find what we're doing helpful.

AmeriAnn · 04/08/2019 16:34

I believe Cuntsucker should be one word, same as cocksucker. It will become a thing.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/08/2019 16:34

Stick by your guns OP, she’s shown her true colours!

THIS Flowers

LittleFairywren · 04/08/2019 16:40

I agree with cottonwoolsnowmen.

Totalwasteofpaper · 04/08/2019 16:45

Good for you
I would 100% def he getting my stuff back - what an awful way to talk about anyone let alone someone helping you!!!

I’m another one who thought it was some sort of hip new slur I just hadn’t heard of Blush

FatThor · 04/08/2019 16:47

Ouch!!

I couldn't be arsed with someone like this at all

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/08/2019 16:47

Wow -YANBU at all.

Poor her, being saddled with a friend like you who cares (cared) that she was ok and wanted her to know that you were there for her, eh? Given that advice for friends of people with poor MH is to do pretty much exactly what you were doing, i.e. check in with them every few days to let them know you're thinking of them, then that's a pretty harsh slap in the face.

I agree there's no coming back from it - don't know whether or not you'll get your stuff back, hope so, but I think your friendship is done.

SparklyMagpie · 04/08/2019 16:48

YANBU to be furious

And although I'd think it was a faff to do, I would be getting my things back aswell

Hormones, bad day or whatever, that's no excuse to act like a cunt yourself about your supposed close friend

Get your things and bin her OP and keep your chin up!

Aworldofmyown · 04/08/2019 16:50

Yikes, mh issues does not give people carte blanche to behave like assholes.
Back away swiftly.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/08/2019 16:50

When I had PND I'd have loved it if someone had texted me every few days just to stay in contact. Especially since a text can be dealt with whenever you feel able to. I had zero contact with anyone and it made everything so much worse.

If she felt overwhelmed then surely she could have asked for some space? If she was able to summon the energy to text someone else purely to call you a cunt, then she could have managed that.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 04/08/2019 16:50

What a CS she is !! Definitely friendship over and she clearly did mean it she just didn’t mean to get found out. Get your stuff back - be polite when collect but no more and then drop her like a cold cup of sick.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/08/2019 16:50

You've handled this perfectly OP Thanks

Whisky2014 · 04/08/2019 16:51

Wow "cunt sucker" is vile.
Yeh I think you draw the line, op. Feel bad for you, how horrible.

herculepoirot2 · 04/08/2019 16:55

I’m not saying this is okay. It isn’t and you are entitled to draw a line under the friendship. But it’s possible she really didn’t mean it. If she was talking to someone who doesn’t like you, someone she wanted to impress, she may have said something she didn’t mean and regretted it immediately.

But that’s my kindest interpretation possible. It probably isn’t that.

LoubyLou1234 · 04/08/2019 16:55

You did nothing wrong besides be helpful, you weren't texting daily, just checking in. No excuses being a busy mum, mental health etc you can still see when someone is being caring and helping. You were not over bearing by the sounds of it.

She definitely showed her other side and I'd never trust her thoughts or actions again to be honest.

Carry on being you OP, plenty would be grateful for your lovely friendship.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/08/2019 16:59

Wow "cunt sucker" is vile.

I agree and I have to say this might just be one of the worst most appalling derogatory filthy expressions I have ever hear in my life. She really has shown you who she truly is OP. A fowl mouthed witch, who must have been using this nickname when talking about you for a long time, to the point where this 'nickname' is instantly recognisable are referring to YOU. THAT is disgusting, PND or not, this person would never be considered a friend or someone I'd contact ever again.

Chin up OP, you sound like a genuine caring friend. Flowers

ILearnedItFromABook · 04/08/2019 17:00

Definitely cut her off and definitely get your stuff back!

She's not worth your time.

As for the "let me know if there's anything I can do" issue... Fine, maybe for some people that's aggravating and not as helpful as a specific offer of help or someone just stepping in and doing things. However, people are not mind-readers. I'm more likely to give a broad, generic (but completely sincere) offer of help than to just jump in and say, "I'll do xyz!", because I often won't know what they need from me and worry about overstepping the mark.

Personally, in difficult times, I might just want to be left alone and would find it more stressful to have to fend off people trying to be helpful by dropping by and doing things unasked.

This just reminds me strongly of how sensitive people can be about messages of sympathy or condolence. I worry so much about saying the wrong thing, because what's fine for one person will cause pain or anger in another! I wish people would take offers of help and expressions of sympathy in the spirit in which they're meant and remember that most people are doing the best they can in these matters.

CalamityJune · 04/08/2019 17:07

She didn't use the phrase "cunt sucker". The OP's username is suckerforbrowneyes. So the message will have read "that cunt Susan" or whatever.

Still an appalling way to speak about a friend though. She should be ashamed of herself.

BenWillbondsPants · 04/08/2019 17:13

No, there would be no going back for me. I'd collect my belongings and that would be it.

Passtherioja · 04/08/2019 17:16

I agree with all the advice to get rid of this "friend"...the only thing I'd be wondering is who did she mean to message? It's obviously someone she's happy to name you to (now we've established c**t sucker wasn't this insult 🤣🤣) -I'm which case she's not only been annoyed with you but she's happy to tell someone else about it! Get rid but be prepared that someone else might distance themselves to x

Heartofglass12345 · 04/08/2019 17:20

I would want to know who she was sending it too as well, just in case it was one of your other so called friends! I wouldn't give her the time of day again, I'm glad you've decided not to. Having a baby or mental health issues does not give you the right to act like a big cunt sucker Grin
If she was really sorry she would be grovelling and coming round to apologise!