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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I supposed to buy my own bridesmaid dress?

122 replies

Channychanny · 04/08/2019 10:51

AIBU to think that the bride should purchase my dress or that I make a small contribution? I my knowledge of weddings is sheltered however when my cousin got married, she brought our dresses.
Not sure how much she would want me to spend etc I just thought she would purchase them as it’s her wedding? Help me out people?!

OP posts:

Alloftit · 04/08/2019 10:53

If the bride has any say at all in the choice of dress, she pays in full.

Nosavingshere · 04/08/2019 10:53

Imo the bride should cover this. She should not expect you to be out of pocket to be a member of her wedding party

icelollycraving · 04/08/2019 10:54

I think if she is expecting a definite dress, the bride pays. If you are given let’s say, choose a pale pink dress they may expect you to pay.
I paid for everything for mine. Shoes/accessories/dress. I only had children. I spent more time finding their dresses than mine

flowery · 04/08/2019 10:55

Yes of course she should.

BadnessInTheFolds · 04/08/2019 10:55

In America and Australia bridesmaids traditionally buy their own dresses.

I believe traditionally in the UK the bride pays but it's becoming more common for BMs to pay themselves. (Personally I would never ask BM to buy their own dresses or accessories!) If you're asked to pay I think you should have a lot of say in the type and price of dress but but opinions on this vary widely!

If you're close enough to be BM, I would all her what she wants/expects

BadnessInTheFolds · 04/08/2019 10:56

*ask her not "all her"

arethereanyleftatall · 04/08/2019 10:56

Depends.

If she is stipulating the exact dress you should wear, and it's the kind of dress you won't wear again, she pays.

If it's just a 'wear a pretty dress' you pay.

If both of you are not financially well off, there's probably some negotiation to be had- eg she might ask it to be purple, but you choose and get one to be worn again - 50/50?

Pixilicious · 04/08/2019 10:57

The bride should definitely pay. You shouldn’t have to subsidise the wedding to be a part of it.

Original poster

Channychanny · 04/08/2019 10:58

Thanks. If I raise it with her, she probably won’t take it very well. I just don’t feel like buying a dress I will wear once.

OP posts:

PinkiOcelot · 04/08/2019 11:00

Someone else’s wedding should not leave you out of pocket. At all.
I would decline being a bridesmaid tbh. If she wants bridesmaids and obviously for them to dress up and look lovely on her wedding day, then she foots the bill.

ByeByeBike · 04/08/2019 11:02

I've been a bridesmaid a couple of times.

First one dress was paid for but I then paid for shoes, accessories, hair and makeup,hotel, etc.

Second time the bridge and groom paid for everything

Third time I paid for everything

Fourth time dress and shoes were paid by bride and groom

Fifth time I paid for everything (but the bride was very chill - just asked her bridesmaids to get a purple dress, no other demands) and we stayed in a Travelodge

Sixth time I paid for everything

Now my friends are mostly married - dd has been a flower girl once and we paid for her dress.

I think if you're struggling to afford the dress then maybe bow out gracefully - add in all the other costs associated with being a bridesmaid like hotel, makeup, hen party, 'planning lunches', etc etc.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2019 11:08

If I raise it with her, she probably won’t take it very well. I just don’t feel like buying a dress I will wear once.

If she thinks you should pay towards her getting married and strops when you decline, that’s your cue to drop out and let her choose someone else to mug off.

Have clear boundaries now because these things always spiral. Voice of bitter experience.

burnoutbabe · 04/08/2019 11:11

The only thing I'd think it okay to pay for is probably shoes (if you are allowed a wide choice in what you get so can wear again).
Anything else bride should pay for (and can sell on the dress after anyway)
Even stuff like hair and make up should be paid for unless it's optional and you can do your own if you prefer.

ohcanada · 04/08/2019 11:13

You don't need to raise it at all. Wait for her to arrange them, it's not something you go off and do on your own.

Henlie · 04/08/2019 11:14

IMO (and experience) the bride should pay for your dress, make-up/hair and shoes (especially if they are a specific type/colour to go with the dress and you’re unlikely to wear again). I just think it’s wrong to ask people to be part of your wedding party and expect them to pay for the privilege.

BitOfFun · 04/08/2019 11:15

Just say you don't feel comfortable being a bridesmaid.

Quaffy · 04/08/2019 11:15

She should definitely pay. How much is the dress she is suggesting going to cost?

Benjispruce · 04/08/2019 11:19

It's normally paid for and chosen by the bride. My bridesmaids were children and we made them from silk very cheaply (£40 for 2 20 years ago)
When you get into the realms of adult bridesmaids it gets tricky as naturally they might like a say in the style/colour of dress. In that case if the bridesmaid wanted to choose it and might wear again, perhaps a 50/50 arrangement would work or the buy their own shoes etc.

Benjispruce · 04/08/2019 11:21

Wow Bye you are a very experienced bridesmaid!

twoshedsjackson · 04/08/2019 11:23

When I was a bridesmaid for my best friend, she something in a colour and style which was very definitely a "bridesmaid dress", and her parents paid for it.
When another friend on a tighter budget got married, we bridesmaids got together and chose a Laura Ashley dress we all liked, which we could wear at parties etc. afterwards. Luckily, this worked for us, as we were similar size, shape, colouring etc.
This seems to be the rule of thumb; the more specific the bride is, the more she should expect to pay.
If she realises that cost could be an issue, and really wants you to be a bridesmaid, she might well reconsider, and just specify a colour.
Off-thread slightly, but I have sung at African weddings where the bridesmaids and guests had been issued with lengths of a chosen fabric in a chosen print, and left to decide their own style (including some gentlemen guests) - there's matchy-matchy for you! Probably wiser not to put that idea into her head.

Benjispruce · 04/08/2019 11:28

I think that sounds great actually twosheds at least there would be some cohesion but you get it made in a style that fits and flatters.

Aria2015 · 04/08/2019 11:31

I think the bride should pay, especially if she is dictating anything about the dress. I have paid for the dress once but I was allowed to choose whatever I wanted. I just got a cheap dress of eBay so it's wasn't too bad.

Original poster

Channychanny · 04/08/2019 11:31

Not sure how much they will cost. She has mentioned us buying what we liked but all has to be the same colour. I guess it’s in the early discussion stages and she has not yet decided on what she wants.

OP posts:

RosaWaiting · 04/08/2019 11:32

I agree with those saying it should not cost you money to be a bridesmaid.

PixieLumos · 04/08/2019 11:34

I paid for the dresses and the my bridesmaids paid for their shoes - and got to choose their own shoes. If I was a bridesmaid I wouldn’t mind paying for my own dress but it would depend on how how expensive and how much say I had on what I was wearing.

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