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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I supposed to buy my own bridesmaid dress?

122 replies

Channychanny · 04/08/2019 10:51

AIBU to think that the bride should purchase my dress or that I make a small contribution? I my knowledge of weddings is sheltered however when my cousin got married, she brought our dresses.
Not sure how much she would want me to spend etc I just thought she would purchase them as it’s her wedding? Help me out people?!

OP posts:

Youngandfree · 04/08/2019 13:52

The bride should pay!! I find the American way really odd!! I paid for my bridesmaids dresses and also
Shoes,
Jewelry,
Hair and hair piece
And hotel stay on the night of the wedding
We did our own make up.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/08/2019 13:53

What has she actually said op?

HaileySherman · 04/08/2019 14:10

As far as I've ever experienced the bridesmaids buy their own dresses. It's a wonderful gesture for the bride to buy them, but would definitely be out of the ordinary here in the U.S.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 04/08/2019 14:15

I think the bride should pay. I've been a bridesmaid 3 times. Twice dress was paid for- and I looked terrible. I paid in my humiliation. Third time we got to wear what we wanted so we paid. I was a bit fucked off at that tbh as the bride had been my bridesmaid and she chose what she wanted and I paid.
I watched an episode of Say yes to the dress last week and a bitch of a bride and her mother humiliated one of the bridesmaids by telling her the dress she'd got was shit because she was poor and so they would subside her to get something better and weren't they so generous and amazing. It was painful. If I was that bridesmaid I would've told them to fuck off. On TV.

Mollieben1 · 04/08/2019 14:15

I had 1 bridesmaid and 1 flower girl and I paid for everything - dress, shoes, hair etc...it would not have occured to me not to!

HaileySherman · 04/08/2019 14:16

I want to add in response to another poster, I've never heard of a wedding guest being asked to pay for their own meal or the rehearsal dinner, etc. The bride usually gives the bridesmaids a nice gift, as well. I've seen some craziness on tv shows like Bridezilla, where people were asked to pay for dinner, honeymoons, etc but those were things that made them be labelled "bridezilla" in the first place. Definitely not the norm in the U.S.

TriptychDebbie · 04/08/2019 14:20

Bridesmaids dresses should be factored into the cost of a wedding and paid for by the bride/groom.

I would never expect my bridesmaids to pay for their dresses as I'd be grateful they were giving up their time not just for the wedding, but also for any fittings that were required etc. She chose to get married so the onus is on her.

SavingSpaces2019 · 04/08/2019 14:20

I just don’t feel like buying a dress I will wear once

I think the best thing to do is go 50/50 on paying for the dress.
The bride has to be involved in the decision because no doubt she wants the design/colour to complement whatever theme she's got.
The bridesmaid should choose a dress that can be worn again for parties/formal occasions - what a waste to shell out on a beautiful dress that can only be worn once.

The bridal party need to be more organised though by the sounds of it.
It's going to look ridiculous if you all turn up in the same colour but totally different genres of design/makeup etc - mismatch heaven!

44PumpLane · 04/08/2019 14:29

I can't stand this whole cheaping out thing and expecting your friends to subsidise your big day (because that's what it is)!

Unless you're having a budget wedding and tell your bridesmaids to wear whatever, then you pay.

I had bridesmaids who were all shapes and sizes and from all over so in the end I asked them to buy a black dress they felt comfortable in and black shoes and tell me how much I owed them.
I then got sashes in the same colour as the kids dresses to go round the waist.
I paid for accessories and hair, but bridesmaids did pah for their own make up as I had mentioned I didn't mind if that was done or not (some of my friends don't wear make up and I didn't want them to think they needed to).

The bride is cheaping out!

wizzbitfartface · 04/08/2019 14:42

Personally, I think that anything the bride insists on having should be paid for by her. I've never paid for anything when I've been a bridemaid. If she wants a certain dress, she pays. If she wants your hair in a certain style, she pays and so on. My bridesmaids were told to wear a particular colour, they were given a budget and they bought their own and I reimbursed them for it. They had their own shoes and accessories and had their hair how they wanted. I couldn't afford to kit them out head to toe so I didn't insist they have particular things at their own expense. I wouldn't pay for anything if my daughter or myself was a bridesmaid in the future. They'd be told "no thank you".

WTF0ver · 04/08/2019 14:54

I've only ever heard of American bridesmaids paying for their dress. In the UK the bride pays for them. But I've never been a bridesmaid.

rookiemere · 04/08/2019 15:19

Yarwell60 it never occurred to me when asked to be a BM that I should contribute to the cost and I like to think I'm reasonably au fait with etiquette.

If you wanted to recoup or save money then you should have done what my cousin did and take the BM dresses back so she could sell them on as a set.

Yarwell60 · 04/08/2019 17:02

I'm sure you are correct about the etiquette. It was just a suggestion that it's thoughtful and gracious and shows appreciation of the costs involved. As when the mum who contributed said to her son, excited at coming to my wedding, "You'll have to wait and see if you get invited - there are seven of us in our family and it's expensive to invite us all." (Needless to say, they all came, as these are the kind of people it's easy to have around you.) The girls were thrilled to have a special outfit and be little stars for the day. They both looked stunning and I notice one still has her framed solo bridesmaid portrait (a gift from us, in addition to her jewellery) up in the lounge, ten years later.

Waterfallgirl · 04/08/2019 17:10

Interesting thread Op. i think bride should pay as am still smarting from my experience over 25 years ago. At the time I was a student and I was asked by my lifelong friend to be her bridesmaid. Arrived at the shop to try on the pink satin dress SHE had chosen with her mum and sister ( sis was other bridesmaid). Tried it on THEY liked it ( I did not but said nothing as it’s her day) and went to the desk to order it - her mum said ‘are you ok to pay?’ I was very shocked but very young and don’t know what was expected - I paid - and then we moved onto shoe shop where same thing happened. Cut to end of the day when I was down nearly £200 of money I just didn’t have. I never told my parents as I felt embarrassed for myself and weirdly I felt embarrassed for them that they had asked me! Anyway I’ve never forgotten as it turns out if course the dsis didn’t have to pay so it was just me. Years later when I got married I felt that she ‘expected ‘ to be asked to be bm -I didn’t ask her but her daughter ( my god daughter) was my flower girl- friend never once offered to contribute and I decided to hire the flower girl dress. She moaned that the daughter would not have a dress to keep for parties ! We are still friends but it did sour my whole relationship with her and her family who I had known since I was 4. Phew - glad I got all that out!!! Anyway OP it’s hard but I would chat with your friend and try to see what is expected before you commit to any thing!!!

Greyhound22 · 04/08/2019 17:10

It's becoming a trend to get bridesmaids to pay for their dress (and shoes and hair and make up) I don't agree with it - if you're getting married then you shouldn't leave people out of pocket (other than the normal costs to attend).

I only had a small wedding but bought them their dresses and paid for hair and make-up. I only asked them to get some tights and wear black shoes (which they all already had).

LellyMcKelly · 04/08/2019 17:18

I had 4 bridesmaids and paid for everything - hair, dress, shoes, makeup. That said, my DD was a flower girl and although the bride stipulated the dress and shoes we paid for it. We didn’t mind because it was a sale Debenhams party dress and shoes and she got a lot of wear out of it after.

Dolphinia · 04/08/2019 17:22

I was a bridesmaid recently, the bride paid for our dresses but we bought our own shoes and accessories, which is fair enough I think

PuppyMonkey · 04/08/2019 17:33

I think weddings are a daft old load of bollocks in general but for what it’s worth, my opinion is anyone involved in the “ceremonial” bit should not have to contribute financially to the proceedings. Even if it’s a “wear anything but it’s got to be green” requirement.

Bridesmaid might hate green (or whatever colour it is) so why on earth would they have to pay for the privilege of wearing it.

Bibijayne · 04/08/2019 17:36

I have my bridesmaids a colour and theme and a budget. I paid everything up to that budget (£75 a dress). If they wanted to spend more that was cool - though everyone was really happy with the dresses they picked.

Bibijayne · 04/08/2019 17:37

I paid for hair and make-up, but people brought and wore their own shoes.

queenMab99 · 04/08/2019 17:38

I was bridesmaid in the 70s for a colleague, I hardly knew her, she was from Australia and had no one in UK, she wasn't very popular in the large insurance office we worked in, but wanted a bridesmaid for a rather hurried wedding, so when she asked me I felt I couldn't say no. I knew I would have to pay for my own dress, so I made it myself, it was a winter wedding, I made a dark green velvet empire style, full length dress. She insisted I had my hair done at her hairdressers, and dictated the style! ( think beehive up do like Bet Lynch from 70s Coronation st! I hated it) I knew no one else at the wedding, as there was only the groom's family, who were a bit 😕 that he was having to get married. It was weird.
I never saw her again, as I had left that job by the time she came back from honeymoon , I have often wondered how things turned out, and if they were happy.

ittakes2 · 04/08/2019 17:40

I paid for my braidsmaid dresses but in my home country the bridesmaids usually pay

CherryPavlova · 04/08/2019 17:42

I’ve never been to a wedding where the bride paid for bridesmaids dresses. We’ve always bought the girls dresses.

ElizabethMountbatten · 04/08/2019 17:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

SandyY2K · 04/08/2019 17:49

I paid for all my BM dresses. I don't think it's right to expect them to pay personally.

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