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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I supposed to buy my own bridesmaid dress?

122 replies

Channychanny · 04/08/2019 10:51

AIBU to think that the bride should purchase my dress or that I make a small contribution? I my knowledge of weddings is sheltered however when my cousin got married, she brought our dresses.
Not sure how much she would want me to spend etc I just thought she would purchase them as it’s her wedding? Help me out people?!

OP posts:

Shesellsseashellsontheseashore · 04/08/2019 12:26

In my opinion if you ask people to play a role in your wedding then you pay for their outfits. Even if you are just stipulating the colour and not the dress style it's still making choices for someone. I wouldn't be happy having to go out and buy, for example, a pink dress as I don't like or wear pink, even if I got to choose the style. My bridesmaids were involved in the picking of their dresses but I paid for them, their shoes and their hair on the day.

SusanneLinder · 04/08/2019 12:26

Myself and DD were bridesmaids to my best friend. She was doing her wedding on a budget, but she still paid for my dress. As she was on a budget I paid for our shoes ( we could wear them again), and our hair. We did our own make up

Shesellsseashellsontheseashore · 04/08/2019 12:32

If you want a massive wedding with all the trimmings then you pay for it. If your budget is limited then you adjust accordingly I.e. don't have bridesmaids, let them wear whatever they want or shop on the highstreet for dresses under £50. But regardless of budget you still pay for what you choose is happening in your wedding.

Shesellsseashellsontheseashore · 04/08/2019 12:33

And I meant a general you, not aimed at anyone on here ! Probably should have used the word someone instead.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 04/08/2019 12:42

I paid for the dresses and shoes but not hair and make up, that was down to the bridesmaids if they wanted anything special.

Nottobesoldseparately · 04/08/2019 12:43

I paid for my bridesmaid dresses and hair.
They actually chose the dresses they wore and I had to slightly alter my colour scheme (midnight blue to royal blue for example)as they were not the colour I would have chosen but them being comfortable was more important.

One bought their own new shoes, the other already had a suitable pair from previous bridesmaid duties.

When I've been a bridesmaid, I've both paid for my own dresses (the b&g didn't get a wedding present) and had them bought for me (b&g did get a present)
I have always bought my own shoes.

MerdedeBrexit · 04/08/2019 12:45

I didn't have any bridesmaids at my wedding, but if there had been any children of the right age to be "members of the wedding", I would definitely have paid for their outfits if I had wanted them to conform to my ideas/colour scheme. I think it's the height of rudeness and selfishness to ask adult friends to be bridesmaids and then expect them to fork out huge amounts of money for something you have chosen and insist on, and they might never wear again, let alone making them pay for accessories and special hair and make-up.

Aallison1 · 04/08/2019 12:48

My daughter has recently got married. I paid for the bridesmaids dresses and shoes. My daughter the bride paid for the headdresses and necklaces.

flowery · 04/08/2019 12:52

I didn’t have any bridesmaids because I couldn’t afford them. Didn’t occur to me to ask my mates to be bridesmaid but fund it themselves, that would have been beyond cheeky.

Saracen · 04/08/2019 12:52

If I raise it with her, she probably won’t take it very well. I just don’t feel like buying a dress I will wear once.

Best decline being a bridesmaid. If you think she is going to behave badly if the issue is even raised, she isn't the sort of person you want to be a bridesmaid for. Save yourself a lot of trouble.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/08/2019 12:54

The bride (or bride & groom or parents) should pay ALL costs related to being a bridesmaid that you would not be paying as a guest so bridesmaid dress, accessories and shoes, makeup and hair if getting it done professionally is their idea.
You just pay for the cost of getting there, accommodation and gifts. Still a lot of money if you don't live locally.
What they do in America or Australia is no more relevant than what they do in China or India.
DON'T PAY.

Yodude · 04/08/2019 12:59

If you pay for your own dress you are not a bridesmaid. .You are a guest. If a bride wants a friend or relative to be part of her wedding party, to be her bridesmaid, them she dresses them. You are dressing yourself. You are a guest.

rookiemere · 04/08/2019 13:00

Bride should pay. If you're not sure if this will be the case here, then say that your budget is ££ max ( as if you'd not been a BM you'd probably have bought something to wear). Personally I believe that if there is a specific outfit that bridal couple want you to wear, then they pay for it .

VenusTiger · 04/08/2019 13:11

If you have to buy your own dress, buy one that you’ll wear again. Otherwise, hire one.

feelingverylazytoday · 04/08/2019 13:23

The bride ahould pay for everything in my opinion. Dress, shoes, hair, makeup, accessories, hotel costs.

Yarwell60 · 04/08/2019 13:24

When I got married, I really appreciated it when the mum of one bridesmaid offered to pay for the shoes, and even knitted the little wraps for both girls. The other mum (my sister-in -law) made no similar offer, and I spotted the custom-made dress screwed up in a bag of throw-out clothes some months later! It's really nice for the bride to at least receive an offer to contribute to the cost, if you can afford it, or even say how you'd like to contribute, but can't afford it. It's a nice gesture, and shows you're not taking it for granted. Btw, we were gob-smacked at how guests helped themselves to booze that was left at the end of the reception, as though it was fair game....but that's another story!

stickerqueen · 04/08/2019 13:27

I believe the bride should be buying the dresses if she wants bridesmaids at her wedding.
when I got married I brought the dresses and shoes for the bridesmaids and flowers girls.
When I say I paid really i mean my mum paid because she wanted to pay for my wedding.

Liverbird77 · 04/08/2019 13:33

And this is one of the reason s I didn't have any bridesmaids. The cost, on both sides, can really rack up. I do think the bride pays for the dresses though

Redwinestillfine · 04/08/2019 13:35

I have been bridesmaid 3 times. Never had to pay for a dress, although one bride started trying to dictate what type of shoes I was buying for myself. I just ignored her 'suggestions', told he I couldn't do heels and rocked up in my choice of flats from eBay rather than £££ heels she was wanting me to buy which I would have never got through the evening in. You need to ask her now. If you're paying then make it clear you're choosing (and get something you'll wear again).

Icecreamsoda99 · 04/08/2019 13:36

I just don’t feel like buying a dress I will wear once.

I mean this kindly but if you are going to resent paying for it, it might be best to drop out as there will be others costs, hen weekend/night, accessories, hair and make up. I've been a bridesmaid 3 times and each time paid for my own dress, when I was a bride I paid for everything for them apart from shoes - but I did stipulate I wanted them to be gold. It really depends on the bride, but being a bridesmaid does come at a financial cost IMO.

anothernotherone · 04/08/2019 13:43

Decline or wear something that you already have.

Buying your own dress is ok if you'd have bought a dress to attend as a guest and have the same freedom of choice as a bridesmaid (or if you've demanded to be a bridesmaid or been thrust upon the bride as bridesmaid by her mother or mother in law under strain of much emotional blackmail, which I'm sure you haven't but it does happen).

My mother told my sister she was my bridesmaid despite me having clearly said I wasn't having bridesmaids, and repeated that each time she tried to embroil me in bridesmaid dress talk. I didn't buy her a dress because I wasn't interested in having a bridesmaid - in the end my mother did, I declined to be drawn into expressing any opinion on what it should be like as I had no intention of it being added to the list of things I didn't want but was expected to be grateful for someone arranging and paying for against my wishes... She had no "duties" but stood next to me, because my mother had told her I wanted her to and told me she'd be upset if not...

If the bride/ couple want bridesmaids and want a say in what they wear, they pay.

EdtheBear · 04/08/2019 13:44

Whattheduck
My niece who is 21 is getting married in September she only got engaged in March so all rather rushed and she has asked my 14 year old dd to be flower girl personally I thought flower girls were tiny children but hey ho anyway we’ve got to buy everything all we’ve been told is it needs to be a short whitedress.Itsproving rather difficult to find one as dd is at that age where she wants something abit more grownup.Mymil has found one online which she has ordered it’s just plain white with a full skirt.I begrudge paying lots for one as she’ll never wear it again.

OMG I don't know what is worse a 14yo in a flower girl dress or a 14yo looking like a mini bride.
Actually I think somebody should suggest 14yo might be better in a junior bridesmaid dress. Is she a short 14yo who can carry this off? Or at 14 she could potentially be the same height as the bride.

Op you need to chat with bride over costs who's paying what and max budget.

cushioncovers · 04/08/2019 13:48

Wow I didn't realise bm's are expected to pay for their own outfit for someone else's wedding. That seems bloody cheeky to me. Not helpful to the thread I know

Gregoire · 04/08/2019 13:51

I think the bride should pay, unless she's taking the view that the bridesmaids can wear whatever they want. It's pretty rude in my view to expect someone to pay for a dress they haven't chosen and which you require them to wear for your event!

It seems more common now to ask bridesmaids to pay for their own, but I will always think that's very poor form.

chocatoo · 04/08/2019 13:51

I paid for the dresses but asked if they wouldn't mind sorting out their own shoes/tights/etc. My BMs all lived a fair way away so it wad difficult enough sorting the dresses without sorting the shoes.

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