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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To curb my parent's chat under their roof?

303 replies

Masterofkarateandfriendship · 04/08/2019 00:05

Feeling like a total bitch for being annoyed by this right now, but it's getting to the point where visits to my childhood home with my partner (who is not local to my hometown) are really tough. My parents are lovely, generous, caring people in their 70's and live in the small community in which I was brought up. They are both originally from big cities but have lived here for most of their married life. The dinner table chat almost always reverts to chat about locals and what they're up to - not usually funny tales, but generally a monologue about the who's who of the area, gossip and is generally completely unrelatable to my partner who has never met any of the people they're talking about. I try so hard to divert the conversation and find something of interest that doesn't involve talking about local people. My sister (whose husband is also not local) and I have been fighting this losing battle for years. I love my parents but I could cry at the lack of chat and rather than appreciating the time I have left with them, I feel that the only thing I am learning from this is what I don't want to be like when I'm older. Question is....should I say something to try to instigate different.conversation or should we all just carry on as we are

OP posts:
Figgygal · 04/08/2019 10:18

I think you're just overthinking it my loss to the same lived in the same village for 50 years their daughter so DH sister lives next door and it's always tales of so-and-so from up the road with all their kids living on benefits blah blah blah

I could not give a shiny shit about all these local characters but what harm is it causing really

Myself and brother-in-law also just sit there and roll eyes and zone out whilst the local chat is going on but certainly I'd never tell them to start talking about more interesting stuff or we're not gonna see you anymore

Charlieiscool · 04/08/2019 10:21

You could make some conversation yourselves instead of sitting back expecting them to entertain you.

TatianaLarina · 04/08/2019 10:22

You just need to take charge of conversation OP. A certain amount of chitchat about neighbours is fair enough. But just politely, repeatedly turn the conversation to more interesting topics. And remind them you don’t know any of these people.

Allli · 04/08/2019 10:33

Ha ha, yeah a lot of comments sound familiar to me too! The olds don’t have much to talk about so they talk about what they do know about. Boring but it’s “nice to talk” as the advert says. When it comes to phone calls I have a one hour limit on my outgoing landline free calls so I have an excuse to go sometimes. The rest of the time I just try and enjoy. We don’t live forever. I know it’s crap for your DH but it’s an oldies thing and can’t do much about it.

Rock4please · 04/08/2019 10:35

I would be mortified if one of my AC posted something like this. I would hate them to patronise me and come to see me out of duty whilst being totally bored. I would really prefer that they didn't bother.

Ilovemypantry · 04/08/2019 10:40

Quite frankly, you’re very lucky to still have your parents, what I wouldn’t give to have some “tedious” conversation with my parents, now sadly no longer here.

user1493494961 · 04/08/2019 10:43

It isn't an age thing. I know people in their 30s and 40s who live in their own bubble and are the most boring people on earth. I have a friend in her 80s who has had a fascinating and eventful life, I love chatting to her. I think society nowadays is more intolerant and after a certain age, people are viewed as old and irrelevant.

Jillyhilly · 04/08/2019 11:05

I get that it’s annoying. It’s all a question of perspective I guess. I love parents like yours, it means I have to make no effort at all in the conversation which can be really relaxing.

There are so many worse scenarios, like repeating the same conversation every 5 minutes for 2 days with a parent who has dementia. Or everyone getting drunk and arguing about Brexit. But I know that doesn’t really help when you’re having to deal with something that rubs you the wrong way.

HazelBite · 04/08/2019 11:11

Hear Hear, @ user1493494961

I have hosted a lunch where the whole coversation has been dominated by my nephews and neices on the benefits of breastfeeding, potty training, and finding school places. Nothing we could join in to because we are out of date!
To me it is bad manners to dominate any conversation with your "world" your "interests".
The other thing that staggers me about many youngsters is their poor use of language, and lack of knowledge and interest in current affairs!

Mumsnet at its best with the ageism here today!!

FaFoutis · 04/08/2019 11:14

I suppose it depends on what the rest of your relationship with your parents has been like. If they have behaved in a loving and caring way towards you in other ways then endless anecdotes about neighbours would be fine with me.
If they have never behaved in loving and caring ways towards you then anecdotes about neighbours just reinforce the fact that you don't matter to them.

chickenyhead · 04/08/2019 11:16

Nanny0gg

@chickenyhead

that's what older parents do, they probably have no idea what else to talk about, plus the generation gap.

Due to my limited conversational skills, all I can say is

ODFOD

Fair point well made!

Correction...

That's what my parents did once I had my own children (probably to avoid having to listen to every minute detail of little Johnny's bowel habits for the last week...)

It is a learning process

Sorry

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2019 11:31

@chickenyhead

Very gracious.

Thank you.

ineedaknittedhat · 04/08/2019 11:44

'Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people'

Intelligence is inherited, so chances are you'll become just like your parents op 😉

TheNavigator · 04/08/2019 11:44

My MIL is like this, but it isn't an age things as she has always been like this - I've known her 30 years! Some people are small minded and constantly on transmit, not receive. It is rude and dull. I just visit MIL as little as possible & if she phones, DH just carries on what he is doing as she warbles on - she doesn't care about anyone else, so why should we make an effort for her?

3moons · 04/08/2019 11:51

The equivalent of this would be expressing frustration at older parents walking slower. Thread is not nice.

BlueSkiesLies · 04/08/2019 11:54

When I asked my parents why their conversation had changed my mum admitted that she lost confidence in general conversation as the world changed around them and her memory was fading slightly.

I think this is a big part of it.

It’s easier and safer to recount that Mr Smith from next door has had a terrible time after his hip operation, than discuss how the government and world leaders should tackle climate change.

Grimbles · 04/08/2019 11:58

It's not an age thing, my DH bores me shitless when he embarks on a lengthy monologue about Brian from accounts, remember you met him that one time 5 years ago when you came to meet me? Anyway hes got a new staff member and...

His dad is the same so I've got years of this to look forward too!

FadedRed · 04/08/2019 12:02

Definition of ‘boring’: someone talking about themself when you want to talk about you.
The ageism on this thread, and MN in general is increasingly depressing.

Piglet89 · 04/08/2019 12:05

OP, those critters wiped your bum, fed and clothed you and loved you when you needed them.

Just listen to their chat, honestly. Maybe ask a bit about the people involved. It won’t kill you.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 04/08/2019 12:16

@SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad @user1493494961 and @LoafofSellotape

Hear Hear.

From my own experience we manage to have a lovely, relaxed and varied time with our own DCs and one of their partners. The other partner is so self absorbed and obviously bored, yet doesn't respond to anything on any number of topics, except to be derisory and attempt to display a superior attitude.

This is a very sad thread.

diddl · 04/08/2019 12:20

Did you & your sister used to find it so awful before you had partners?

Dippypippy1980 · 04/08/2019 12:24

I can totally sympathise. My mother in particular tell very detailed stories about every encounter she has. I rarely know the people involved, yet I know more about them and their children than I do about my own friends.

I think it’s something we all just have to get used to - but it is very very boring to listen to.

Sittingonthedock8 · 04/08/2019 12:28

I think the situation with sitting passively is when we realise parents in-laws etc don’t really want to listen, they want to talk. Many elderly people don’t get to to talk much and when someone is listening they just let rip.
My mother’s views and opinions are mostly quite offensive or just a bit deranged. It’s impossible to talk to her as equals. I just sit and listen without really engaging which is very sad. However she has never really listened to me during my whole life. Her opinions are the only thing that matter to her really. There is no such thing as discussion. I try desperately to avoid argument or offence most of the time.

burnoutbabe · 04/08/2019 12:30

The thing is, if we had a friend who whenever we went out would spend the entire time talking about themselves without any 2 way "and how are you? How is job?" We'd just quietly drop them or any meet up in a bigger group.
Which you can't do with in laws. So it's not just"older people" who do it, it's just we'd exclude from our life anyone else who acted like that.

mintcucumber · 04/08/2019 12:44

I think the situation with sitting passively is when we realise parents in-laws etc don’t really want to listen, they want to talk.

This is true.
My mum monologues for long periods. I switch my phone to speaker mode and clean the kitchen/do laundry while she rambles.

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