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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What time does your teenager have to be home for?

142 replies

Sparklyspoon · 02/08/2019 22:47

My DS is 14, he has to come in for tea at 5:30 then he's allowed out again till about 7:30 since it's summer, during term time he comes in for tea then stays in, he's sometimes allowed out later on weekends though. Is this a reasonable time? He seems to think it's far too early

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklyspoon · 02/08/2019 23:07

DD is 17 next week, she tends not to have a curfew but she always makes structured plans to go somewhere, I just don't feel comfortable letting DS go out wherever

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 02/08/2019 23:09

The kind of things unsupervised young teens do in parks late at night is not good preparation for healthy adult lives at 18.

At 18 they can go with their mates to a bar. A world away from roaming the parks with a bottle of vodka and a condom (if you’re lucky) at 14.

Fiveletters · 02/08/2019 23:10

My 13yo spends most days out on his scooter at the skate park at the moment. He generally comes home hungry around 6.30/7pm unless he has an earlier activity he needs to come home for.
At 13, I’m not sure he needs to go back out to just “hang around the streets” after his meal and luckily he doesn’t seem to want to either.

The idea of letting a 15 year old out until 1am is mind blowing to me. Do you wait up for them every night?

Daddylonglegs1965 · 02/08/2019 23:11

If they are just hanging around the streets then 8pm-9pm any later then much older kids are hanging about. Lots of issues with drugs and alcohol and they will likely end up making a nuisance of themselves or getting involved in things you would rather they weren’t.

Sparklesocks · 02/08/2019 23:11

AppleKatie I think that’s a bit dramatic, a lot of teens hang out in parks as there aren’t many places they can go if there aren’t youth activities in their areas. Doesn’t mean they’re all getting wasted and having unprotected sex.

Snoopdogsbitch · 02/08/2019 23:12

YABVU. I'm sorry, but, in my opinion, you're setting yourself up for huge resentment from him. 730 is ridiculously early for a 14 year old - completely unreasonable on your part.

My DS is 14 ( almost 15) and school nights it's 930 and weekends/ hols 1030. Summer Holidays- since it's so lovely and light and warm- I'll allow 1045. I know where he is and he's never late. Similarly, my almost 13 year old is 845 school.night, 945 weekends/ hols.

They're both usually out biking or playing football/ rugby at the pitches ( older one at gym) so I know what they're doing but not exactly where they are at all times but I trust them, can call at any time and I feel like they need this little bit of freedom and independence.

Your poor lad will be getting teased relentlessly, I can assure you. What on earth are you afraid of? Unless you live in an inner-city where there are huge threats I cannot think of any reason why you would be so over-protective.

HeadintheiClouds · 02/08/2019 23:16

Where does your 8 year old “go out” to, SallyWD?

Bookworm4 · 02/08/2019 23:19

@OhMyDarling
Your DD is never allowed out alone? Does she not walk home at all? That’s a very cloistered life, we do need to equip our kids to make decisions and cope without a parent, how will you prepare her for uni; which will be here before you know it.

IHaveBrilloHair · 02/08/2019 23:20

My 17yr old isn't even staying at home atm, she's staying with her BF, his brother and GF in their student house.
I have no say in it, I can't stop her, but actually she's doing really well.

Snoopdogsbitch · 02/08/2019 23:21

For pp saying they wouldn't let their DC out anywhere except for clubs- can I ask why? At 14+ especially they need some freedom with friends. Personally, I'd rather they were out biking/playing sport with friends than on phones/ devices. Mine are certainly not out every school night (plenty homework/ studying/ family time/ rugby training/ scouts/ drum practise) but it's healthy for them to be out some of the time. I also encourage their friends to be here watching a movie/ hanging out in the kitchen-you need balance.

Snoopdogsbitch · 02/08/2019 23:25

headintheclouds why are you boggling? My 7 year old DS was ' out' until 830 tonight. It was a gorgeous, balmy night and all kids in the street were out on bikes/ scooters/ running from back garden to back garden; you know, being kids.

HeadintheiClouds · 02/08/2019 23:27

Oh ok. “Goes out” didn’t seem to imply playing in back gardens, maybe it’s the way it was phrased.

Original poster
Sparklyspoon · 02/08/2019 23:29

I think a 7/8 year old playing in your own street is different to a teenager being out further away. My DS spends a lot of his time in a different part of town

OP posts:
Threeminis · 02/08/2019 23:34

We live in a big-ish village. 7 yo is only allowed in the estate and school grounds (right next to the estate)
12 yo has free reign, although must always carry his phone with I can track with 'find my iphone'

endofacentury · 02/08/2019 23:35

I don't let my 14 year old daughter 'out' roaming around. Never have done and she's not interested in it either. She goes to cinema, nandos etc but I will pick her up. We live in a big city where there has been stabbings and gang activity so wouldn't feel she's safe getting the bus back from town at night.

I would never just let her roam around with nothing to do even though the area we live in is quite a safe area. Although I was out at her age, it was because my parents had no money to give me to go to the cinema or whatever, I'd rather pay for her to do something to avoid hanging around streets although I appreciate this isn't an option for everyone. Can't imagine her out til gone ten at night. No way

Snoopdogsbitch · 02/08/2019 23:38

OP I know it's different, but I've made lots of other points about my own DC ( almost 15 /13) which you've not given your opinion on. He needs some freedom. My boys are on bikes all over the place and we are on the outskirts of a very big city ( 5 miles from centre) and I trust them to be responsible. They have earned this trust over the years.

I think you're being unfair unless you have a massive drip feed about being near a dangerous area.

C0untDucku1a · 02/08/2019 23:41

Could be way too early.

But depends on the child. If he is in at 7.30’doing school work, great! If he isnt trustworthy, it is necesaary.

My curfew at 15 was 10.

Snoopdogsbitch · 02/08/2019 23:46

endof you speak as if ' Gone10' is scandalous. Perhaps it's different here, but it's still light in summer at 10 (Scotland) and my DS is almost 15. I have no hesitation about him being responsible or sensible as he also has responsible, sensible friends.

I, and parents like me, are not being neglectful, but thinking how to come to arrangements that work for all.

Ginger1982 · 02/08/2019 23:48

7.30 is too early for a 15 year old but 1am is ridiculously late.

OhMyDarling · 02/08/2019 23:54

@Bookworm4 clearly I am not the only one on this thread who doesn’t let their 14yr old wander the streets and parks at night. I know no one in RL that does this either- for the record before you imagine a sheltered extistence and a privileged lifestyle, we live in a council flat and I’m on my own with 2 teen dd’s, I work my arse off full time and have no family help. (I know what some poster are like on here). My friends are from very varied backgrounds with many diff parenting styles however I honestly know none that allow their teens out to hang about or have what I consider to be these ridiculous curfews.

My daughters get themselves to and from school, take themselves to extra curricular activities but I bring them home. It’s 2 buses, over an hours journey by public transport or 10 mins in the car if I collect. It’s a no brainier.
I do some caring for an elderly and sick relative some evenings- my dds, if not at their activities, will be home alone.
My kids are safe, not ‘cloistered’. They are independent where they need to be. My kids don’t need to be hanging out in parks doing god knows what with god knows who till the early hours of tomorrow.

They can cook, shop for a family of 3 on a budget, they can operate a washing machine, follow a recipe, care for pets, they know what to do if the gas and electric meters run out, they can navigate around town and further afield -in the day-when they have a purpose independently on foot and public transport. They both have great friendship groups and a social life that is better than mine.
They aren’t missing any valuable life experience, so hanging about in a park at midnight really isn’t necessary or desirable. This will not damage them as adults and will not impede their abilities to live healthy, happy lives.
In fact, quite the opposite!

HennyPennyHorror · 02/08/2019 23:55

DD has just turned 15 and we live in a small village. She's allowed out till about 8.30-9.30 when there's no school. She's usually hanging at the village shop with her friend whose mum works there...or she's at one of her other friend's houses.

HeadintheiClouds · 02/08/2019 23:56

Hear hear, OhMyDarling

DustyDiamond · 02/08/2019 23:57

14 yr old has to head home at 10 in summer (9 on school nights)

My 17 yr old has no curfew now (since 16)

Both are v good at texting to say where they are though & if they take the piss they know I'll crack down

They're just out trawling around with their pals generally but it's a safe area & (so far!) they've not been any trouble

Crunchymum · 03/08/2019 00:00

@OhMyDarling

Like most things moderation is key. That goes for freedom as well.

You sound like a bloody prison warden, and kids with restricted freedom tend to go nuts when they are finally cut loose (so Uni will be fun for your DD!!)

Beldon · 03/08/2019 00:08

Strange response to those saying they would let their children be out later, presuming the kids are hanging about park etc. My kids tended to be home at 9pm in summer (sometimes later depending on what they were doing) but they would be at friends houses, youth club, cinema etc. Getting home would be worked out so they were safe. Just because they were allowed to he ‘out’ late doesn’t mean they were roaming streets getting up to mischief