AIBU - bossy, critical DH? Can such men change and how?

[pseudonomer]

Could I ask, does anyone have any experience of a bossy husband in the sense that you were able to get him to see it for himself and change for the better? I’ve been in therapy for a year and I’m seeing things differently, yet I still love my DH very much and sometimes wonder if I’m being narcissistic and spoilt. Ultimately he would do anything for me. He’s very kind in many ways and totally honest. But he’s a workaholic and can be very critical and overwhelming. We are mid 40s and have 3 DC. Does anyone have experience if such a dynamic shifting and, if so, how? Thankyou.

To change, a person must be 100% committed to WANTING that change.
Unfortunately, bossy & critical men often find it impossible to self-criticise, cannot see that there is anything wrong with them (if only everyone else wasn't so sensitive & stupid & would do it their way!).
So they have absolutely zero motivation to change.

Actually, I picked up more on this than on your bossy DH:
I’ve been in therapy for a year and I’m seeing things differently, yet I still love my DH very much and sometimes wonder if I’m being narcissistic and spoilt

Please, please, raise this with your therapist.
They will be able to explain how the cycle of self-doubt makes us prefer to question our own perceptions rather than challenge someone whose behaviour we can now see is uncomfortable & overwhelming.

You might also like to sign yourself up for a short Assertiveness course. It is astonishingly helpful. (I had to become v assertive dealing with my ex - a coercive controller.) Being able to push back really helps, & gives The Bossy One a regular reminder that it's not only their opinion that counts.

Thankyou mussolini. Yes, my therapist is trying to help me understand the reasons why I feel responsible double and guilty for his behaviour patterns. It makes sense when I’m there, but then when I’m in the real world, it feels to self-indulgent to be thinking of everything through my own perspective.

He’s just come back from a week long business trip today and I was very aware of how on edge I was, getting the house ready and making sure everything is done, so he has nothing to show displeasure about or criticise.

He’s very stressed with work nearly all the time, so it’s very hard to address anything with him. He interrupts my phone conversations; leaves me lists of things he wants done and makes me feel terrible if I have missed anything. Also he can get very critical - eg going through the bin to see if there’s any plastic not been recycled, or telling me where to food shop due to the packaging he thinks they use.

The word “double” shouldn’t be there!

He sounds abusive to me. I think you are getting poorly advised.

What qualifications does your counsellor have ?

Sorry for what you are going through...it may be impossible for him to change. Was he brought up in this kind of environment.

He'll only change if you change the dynamic. At present in your relationship as you accept his behaviour, he sees himself as 'in charge'. The assertive thing would be to in a neutral place or relaxed moment to calmly say that the stream of criticism is too negative and destructive to your self esteem, you're equals & he's making you feel like an employee who needs instructions. (give examples if he tries denials). A partner who loves you & wants you to be happy would work on this with you. And I'd explore with your therapist how the dynamic impacts your MH. It's probably a major factor.

Anyfucker is right, the situation you are describing isn't bossy it's abusive. If your OH has been away you should be welcoming their return, planning a nice meal together or where you're taking the kids for the weekend. Not raking through bin bags and checking labels.

Honestly, would you want your kids to feel the way you feel?

He’s a member if the BACP. It’s not just DH zi went to therapy about, actually it was some childhood abuse.

It all feels very odd to be talking like this because I have a great life in many ways and feel very lucky. Beautiful home, fantastic DC, no money worries. But I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and I’m never doing enough for DH. He tells me I don’t do enough for him, but it’s like a bottomless pit. It’s hard to put into worlds. He’s never been physically violent, but he has a certain vibe about him and I don’t find it easy to push back.

So you're set up to always fail. To always try your best and never, quite, be good enough. That's no way to live. As much as anything because the goalposts will always move. So this time you get all the recycling right, next time it'll be the bed sheets or the plug in air freshener or some other shot that he can focus on. You. Won't. Win. With a narcissist.

It makes sense when I’m there, but then when I’m in the real world, it feels to self-indulgent to be thinking of everything through my own perspective.

Sweetheart, that is very normal.
It takes a while to change our way of thinking. If it was easy, we'd all be able to shrug off our MH or stress issues at the drop of a hat!
View it as retraining your brain & thought patterns.

It sounds very uncomfortable to have to rush round eg checking bins as if the Sergeant Major was arriving to do an inspection. What would happen if you told him to chill his boots & stop nagging you?
Would you be able to do that, or is the thought too scary?
If you feel too scared to challenge him, you have a DH problem, not a YOU problem.

You are treading on eggshells & on edge. That is no way to live. The only way to change that is to either challenge DH in a way that he will actually hear - or remove the negative stimulus (sorry my dear, that is him).

Have you tried "when you criticise me in my own home I feel upset & undervalued" for example? Would he listen/care about your feelings?
You have to get him to a place where he can at least TRY to hear you out instead of dictate to you.
Along the lines of "darling I know it's hard to switch off from a high powered role but please don't address me like an underperforming staff member, I find it degrading & upsetting". Again, assertiveness training will help you find ways of doing this naturally without becoming emotional or incoherent (I know how that feels, lovie) or having DH turn it back on you with stuff like "if you did X properly I would need to criticise you" ...
(to which the only Proper Answer is actually "it's my home, I'll do it to my own satisfaction, & did not request your feedback" btw!)
He HAS to learn that he is not the boss of you.

Keep up the therapy. See PP above, & if you feel you are not progressing/retaining enough info, change therapist.

For instance, if he wants something, he would expect me to drop whatever I’m doing and do it there and then. He acts like he’s very hard done by and I should feel guilty, though I’m not sure why. I have no control over his work schedule as he’s self-employed and takes on way to much all the time. He doesn’t know how to stop. He’s always on the phone or laptop and generally presents to me as in “crisis mode” (though nobody else would see him that way at all and I don’t think many of the situations are even crises). He is involved in so many companies it’s just mind boggling.,

Tonight he has told me that I can’t shop in Tesco or Waitrose any more, so I’ll have to drive 20 mins to Morrison’s because he saw something in the news that they’re not packaging meat? This is a man who has never gone food shopping. Nor does he cook. Even though I don’t eat meat, I still have to buy and cook it for him and it’s always been like this. But this thing about the supermarket is ridiculous.

Empty the bin over his stupid head and LTB.

My stbxh was like this.

I am sitting in the living room right now on my own and totally relaxed. Tell your h to get lost.

Crikey Cinders.

Have you thought of doing the Freedom Programme?

What would happen if you said "yep morrisons meat makes perfect sense however the waitrose policy on (for instance) veg sales is far better because...." can you visualise yourself having a conversation along those lines?

St the moment he has a bee in his bonnet about the recycling bins. You would think that’s the only job in the house. Other times, he’ll say I need to make more effort with “structural cleaning” - but he won’t elsborate on what he actually means. I do have a cleaner, to be fair, but between us the house is organised so I don’t know what he means. Or he’ll Sk me to research something for him. I’ll spend hours doing that, but then he’s changed his mind and it’s now some other info he needs.

Do you think that people might envy you your lifestyle ? It sounds like a gilded cage to me with cage being the operative word

He sounds like a tyrant whose word must always be obeyed. I am afraid both of you are teaching your children some very damaging lessons.

I would communicate once verbally and prepare a few flash cards, to drive it home I’m repeating myself. Verbally on the shopping to start- dh, first let me highlight to you that there are many single people and families with both parents working so people with full time jobs manage the shopping. Your choice for our family is to take over the food shopping or to let me do it. No interference. Which do you choose? And cut him off on anything else or ignore till there’s a break, then repeat which do you choose?

The flash card is a little card that says ‘you said I could do the shopping without interference.’ 2nd card ‘you’re interfering. Stop. Or do you want to take over the family food shop?’

Flash cards will help you reply calmly without getting worked up and highlight that you’ve had this discussion. You can say it instead but that’s harder for lots of people.

I’m so sorry to hear you suffered abuse in childhood, OP. I’m glad you have sought therapy for this and I’m interested that your current relationship issues emerged as something to look at in therapy but not the primary reason you sought therapy. When we are children we have no choice but to form bonds and attachments to caregivers even if they are abusive. However, this sets up a terrible confusion of whether to trust our feelings, in that the people who may show kindness and keep us safe are also cruel and abusive. Your description of your partner’s behaviour sounds as though it’s unhealthily controlling, and you are clearly struggling to reconcile that part of him with the parts you love. You sound as though you are gaining from therapy, but that you have reached a place where many things are becoming clear to you, and that isn’t comfortable. You seem on the verge of making big decisions about your future. Good luck and, no, it isn’t narcissistic to listen to your needs and desires.

Freedom programme

The other thing, I feel like I can’t be out when he’s coming home. I’ve not had a night away without him in 15 years. It’s nit as though he tells me I can’t, it’s more that I feel too guilty for whatever reason. Like it’s unfair to burden him with the DC alone. He is ex military and he’s not rude exactly, but the way he speaks can be too direct imo and he doesn’t always time it down to fit the situation. I find this quite awkward sometimes and so do the kids.

He’s a member if the BACP. It’s not just DH zi went to therapy about, actually it was some childhood abuse.

Aha! I did wonder, @pseudonomer ... childhood trauma & abuse sets us up to become adults with poor boundaries. This is not a criticism.

How long have you been with your BACP guy? I hope you can continue, because at some point you will start to enjoy moments of personal revelation when the links between childhood patterns & current difficulties become so clear you will wonder how you managed to struggle on without knowing this before!

He’s never been physically violent, but he has a certain vibe about him and I don’t find it easy to push back.
Yeah ... he is very used to being Bossman.
He could benefit from relaxing in his own home & allowing his wife to be comfortable in her own sphere. You could start by gently suggesting that. Eg "DH you are at home now, not at work. We are both allowed to relax & enjoy our home without a military-style inspection. I need you to allow me to feel comfortable in my own space & I cannot do that when you are going out of your way to find miniscule points to criticise. I am also concerned that you are not relaxing enough. You don't need to be in charge at home like you are at work."

Keep taking very small steps forward @pseudonomer & remember - it is absolutely YOUR choice how much of this you want to put up with. As you learn how to untangle the old pattern of self-blaming thoughts (this is a child abuse survivor's classic) & grow into a more assertive person comfortable with expressing her own displeasure, you will gain strength. You will also gain more awareness of whether it is possible for your DH to change, or whether it's gonna be easier to walk away.

Just please remember this - it is impossible to change him. He can only change himself, just as you can only change yourself. And you already know how hard that is, & how much work, time & commitment it requires.

Ultimately, he either cares enough to make small changes to make his wife happier, or he does not. If he does not, that is not a reflection of you, only on him. And I promise you, that if he does not want to change, you can make a comfortable, far less stressy & eggshell-hopping life without him in it.

It's scary, OP but it's worth it.
He either steps up & realises that this marriage is NOT a one way street ("never do enough for him", my arse!) & that it is his turn to consider your feelings, ie do something for YOU, if he does not want to alienate you completely.

Sorry for all the typos.

On the other hand, I should say he’s very affectionate and does tell me he loves me frequently. He’s very kind in many ways.

Time - You see, I couldn’t ask him to do the food shopping or something like that. He wouid interpret that as me being very rude and selfish and trying to push him over the edge.

But this thing about the supermarket is ridiculous.

TELL HIM SO.
"Darling, don't add to your stress today by micromanaging the food shopping. It is my domain & I have managed to be savvy enough about hygiene & sourcing not to poison you yet!"

Make it light, so he sees he is being a plonker.

btw - ex-military - oh wow how did any of us guess?!!!

Thankyou for all the advice. It does make a lot of sense. I just feel as if aim talking about someone else sometimes and not myself.

The only thing that wasn’t done today when he came home was a large box of cat food had been delivered and I hadn’t opened it and put the sachets in the drawer. So the very first thing he did was huffed and puffed and did that.