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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - bossy, critical DH? Can such men change and how?

114 replies

pseudonomer · 02/08/2019 21:20

Could I ask, does anyone have any experience of a bossy husband in the sense that you were able to get him to see it for himself and change for the better? I’ve been in therapy for a year and I’m seeing things differently, yet I still love my DH very much and sometimes wonder if I’m being narcissistic and spoilt. Ultimately he would do anything for me. He’s very kind in many ways and totally honest. But he’s a workaholic and can be very critical and overwhelming. We are mid 40s and have 3 DC. Does anyone have experience if such a dynamic shifting and, if so, how? Thankyou.

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 03/08/2019 07:45

He gives you just enough 'kindness' to keep you there. He's verbally and emotionally abusive. You sound more like a bullied housekeeper than a wife. And your kids will be noticing every single bit of it. Only you know what you can tolerate op.

Boilingfrog · 03/08/2019 07:50

Honestly, my darling DH has been away for a week and I have just texted him ‘can’t wait to see you ps don’t feel well, house is a mess’.

I feel so bad for you that you have to live like this. You know you’re allowed to have a lovely life WITHOUT having to put up with all this bullshit? It’s not a price that someone (other than your husband) decided you have to pay.

SynchroSwimmer · 03/08/2019 07:51

Wondering if you using humour and “military terminology” might help you in your situation?

I am guessing he may have only recently left the military environment?...(in which case things might ease off after around 24 months?)

When he is going away on business, could you call it (tongue in cheek) an “operational detachment”...only he can pack, because he knows “what kit and ammo is needed for the deployment”...that sort of thing?

He can make himself a pre-prepared list - an “operation order” 😂

He can do his own ironing, especially shirts, because military people all get trained in that.

If you can throw in some military words - specific to what he did, delivered with a smile - to humour him.....might be worth a try?

(Ex military....took me 2 years to stop running my own life like a military operation and to a tight deadline 😂)

SlowDown76mph · 03/08/2019 08:09

Sometimes it is simple. He's a bully. Talk to your therapist.

NerrSnerr · 03/08/2019 08:17

If you're walking on eggshells I bet your children are as well. Is that the environment you want to bring your children up in?

Rock4please · 03/08/2019 08:25

He sounds as though he has OCD in light of his obsession with the recycling and similar obsession with his work.

If you believe that he really loves you, then you need to have a serious conversation with him - when the children are not there - and explain how he is making you feel. You need to stress that the marriage cannot continue unless he changes and suggest couple counselling. If he won't listen or change, then you have your answer.

This is not a healthy environment for your children to grow up in, and you don't want them to start replicating DH's behaviour towards you or thinking that it is normal. I agree with previous posters that his behaviour is abusive.

Charles11 · 03/08/2019 08:27

Blimey. I was just about to post how my dh can be bossy and critical and how I just ignore him when he has a rant.
I actually tell him that I’m ignoring him and if it matters so much then he can use his fully functioning arms and legs and deal with it himself.

Your dh sounds a hell of lot worse though. He’s extremely controlling and a bully. Unless he wants to change, he won’t. It’s no way to live.

KizzyWayfarer · 03/08/2019 08:34

I can imagine my own DH if he was stressed and packing to go away getting short-tempered if he couldn’t find things and I might end up running around to help him. Difference is, afterwards he’d thank me and apologise for being a grump. He’d see it as me doing him a favour as part of the normal give and take of married life. It sounds like your DH literally thinks wife = servant.

Sparklfairy · 03/08/2019 08:35

He believes he is the most important thing in your life.more important than your children, your MH... He should always come first. I've lived with someone like this. The constant stress and trying to preempt what they want before they want it is exhausting. My life is stress free now and I do what I want when I want, but for a long time after I left I would sit paralysed because I no longer had to be the performing monkey for someone else. I could make my own choices (even about whether or not to do the washing up or what to have for dinner!) And it was both liberating yet terrifying. I'm better now, but let me tell you from experience this behaviour is so so damaging and it will ruin your life if you don't change this situation now.

Hotterthanahotthing · 03/08/2019 09:16

OP ,if this doesn't change then look to the future.
Imagine the children have left home and he has retired.He will be there every minute of the day.
Or imagine the future you want ,where the bin stays uninspected.The last cup of the day is left in the sink.You can breath freely knowing that anything not done will still be there tomorrow.

Original poster
pseudonomer · 03/08/2019 09:35

Thankyou so much for all this. I know it must sound odd. I do worry about the DC and the youngest one, ten, has verbalised that you can’t criticise him. They do know he loves them though and he can be great fun with them too. He does care deeply about the kids.
I don’t know if he has OCD. Sometimes (well quite a lot), I feel like he’s in the verge of a breakdown. I’ve taken a lot of what he says as a given for so long, but now a lot of it doesn’t make sense. He’s not controlling about money, but the way he organises his companies and our money which is largely tied in with it all is overly complicated and unnecessary, in my view. Yet what can I say?
If you criticise him in any way- especially if the DC are involved- he can’t handle it and walks off. The therapist says his ego is too fragile and he’s put me in a position of constantly needing to reassure him things won’t all fall apart, He has also said this will take a toll in my health. The therapist says I have to recognise and be honest about the way he makes me feel and stop wondering about why he is the way he is.
I’m making breakfast now. This morning he’s apologised for his outburst before he went away, but I still feel a bit shell shocked. I really don’t know what to think a lot of the time.

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 03/08/2019 09:47

Can I just ask why you said last night that you "had to" go to bed?

Or what would happen if you asked him to make the breakfast now?

AnyFucker · 03/08/2019 09:51

read here

You will find your husband in the powerful words of Lundy Bancroft who has also written a book on the subject. "Why does he do that". From what you have said he sounds like a mixture of "Demand man" and "Mr Angry".

Insertdeadcatsnamehere · 03/08/2019 10:02

It sounds like changing to a female therapist might be a good move too.

Comtesse · 03/08/2019 10:04

If my husband said “you’re my wife act like it” when I was cleaning his shoes I would feel very tempted to throw them at his head. His being on edge all the time (SO SO stressed) is another way of controlling you. He is not more important than you or your children whatever he tells you. Flowers

smartiecake · 03/08/2019 10:10

It sounds like your husband has extreme views of what your wifely role is, and this extends to him being lord and master of all and you and your children treading on eggshells to keep him happy and jump to his demands.
This is no way to live, not for you and not for your children. You deserve better OP all of you.
In my eyes he is being abusive, emotionally abusive. Its a horrendous way for you to live. So what if you have a nice home? Is it really nice when you and the children are subjected to his moods and you are constantly pre-empting his next whim? That sounds like an awful home to me.
I think you also need to find another counsellor - "fragile ego" my arse! Your H sounds like a pompous dick who clicks his fingers and expects little wifey to come running. You sound scared of him and his reactions. He has conditioned you that way. Checking the bins at 6.30am? That is how he has made you.
You and the kids can continue to be conditioned by his behaviour but this would be very damaging to you all. Find a new new counsellor and start getting copies of financial documents and keep them secret. I hope you can see that you don't have to accept this and you have choices and can have a life without him if you want to.

Original poster
pseudonomer · 03/08/2019 10:26

AnyF - Thankyou. Yes I did read about the “Demand Man” recently and it does fit him, pretty much. If I think back, he was like that from the beginning, but it’s definitely escalated in recent years. On the other hand, he is very good to me in some ways. I don’t feel as if he doesn’t love me or that he’s doing it consciously. He tells us that everything he does is for us - that’s why it’s hard to challenge. He tells me that I should want to help him out and if I don’t, it shows I don’t love him enough. He shouldn’t have to ask, it should come naturally or there’s something wrong.

He’s never been violent and I can’t imagine it coming to that, but nevertheless, I do recognise that I don’t feel able to challenge him or take the piss in the way other couples might do. He’s too on edge. He tells me I’m being aggressive if I try and push back in the moment.

Yes it might be better to have a female therapist tbh, but I’ve been seeing this one for a year now and put quite a of work in regarding my childhood etc and I’m not sure I could start again.

Yes I do think he uses his stress as a form of control. That’s exactly it.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 03/08/2019 10:32

He is your husband not your boss. He sounds like an abusive bully. No one should make you feel like you should check the bins at 6.30am on a Saturday morning.

Original poster
pseudonomer · 03/08/2019 10:41

Angelina - sorry to answer your question - last night I felt as if I needed to go to bed as he would ask what I’m doing and why am I ignoring him.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 03/08/2019 10:51

If my DH tried to tell me where to shop and why he would be told to either accept what I buy or get on with it himself.

Nor do I pack for him when going away somewhere or going on holiday, and if he wanted me to polish his shoes for him he'd be waiting a very long time, because it wouldn't be happening. We each pack for ourselves.

Your H sees you as some kind of a lowly servant. I wouldn't be able to live like that. Ex-military, except he hasn't left it behind. He is barking at you as if he is a Sergeant Major and you are one of his troops.

I'm unsure whether your therapist is right about his ego being fragile. Maybe it is, but it is also massive. He is very selfish.

Whosorrynow · 03/08/2019 11:00

In my experience when you live with someone and they have a very dominant overbearing personality it can be very hard to improve the situation if you're someone who has a lower threshold for getting stressed.

Whosorrynow · 03/08/2019 11:03

He tells me that I should want to help him out and if I don't it shows I don't love him enough
then again if someone said this to me I would just laugh at them and if they persisted with this line of reasoning I would challenge them to defend it and they wouldn't be able to
But I still wouldnt want to live with the fucker because the constant power struggle just gets annoying

Whosorrynow · 03/08/2019 11:04

As he would ask me what I'm doing and why I'm ignoring him
I would just reply fuck off you nosey cunt

Original poster
pseudonomer · 03/08/2019 11:12

No I definitely couldn’t speak to him like that! To be fair, he doesn’t swear at me either.
The thing is, I can’t accuse him of being lazy because he does work very hard and always did (if anything he does too much), so this is why I feel as if I can’t ever just say I can’t be bothered. It’s feels selfish to me somehow and I doubt myself.

OP posts:
53rdWay · 03/08/2019 11:17

He got angry on the morning he was leaving as he felt I was prioritising taking DD to the GP rather than assisting him. He shouted at me “I NEED SUPPORT!” And he said, “you’re my wife, act like it.”

This is really worrying. So not only does he think his ‘support’ matters more than anyone else in the family, including his child seeing a doctor, he also thinks “wife” means “someone who puts me first 24/7 and exists purely to make my life easier.” This is how he thinks.

An assertiveness course would be a really good idea, whether you end up leaving him or not. It probably won’t change him but it might help you believe that you matter as much as he does, and it will mean you’re modelling better things to your children. It’s doing them no favours to grow up learning that this is what relationships look like.