AIBU - bossy, critical DH? Can such men change and how?

[pseudonomer]

Could I ask, does anyone have any experience of a bossy husband in the sense that you were able to get him to see it for himself and change for the better? I’ve been in therapy for a year and I’m seeing things differently, yet I still love my DH very much and sometimes wonder if I’m being narcissistic and spoilt. Ultimately he would do anything for me. He’s very kind in many ways and totally honest. But he’s a workaholic and can be very critical and overwhelming. We are mid 40s and have 3 DC. Does anyone have experience if such a dynamic shifting and, if so, how? Thankyou.

Good luck with it all.

OP - I just re-read my post and realised that it sounded quite aggressive and I am so sorry as it was an expression of my anger at how your husband treats you and absolutely not me having a go at you. I really hope that you find the strength to make some changes and find happiness. You really do deserve it.

Good luck OP. Hope your work with your therapist will help you reach the life you want.

Thankyou so much

What was too much ? The bits where the reality of your children's upbringing is brought home to you ?

Painful, isn't it ? It's a lot more painful for them though, because they have no choice about what they are exposed to.

Hello @pseudonomer

Caught up with the full thread today & wrote a huge long post addressing several points, messed up the 'send' routine & lost the blooming lot.

I won't attempt to reproduce the screed & try again as I get that you are feeling understandably overwhelmed now.

So this is to wish you courage & fortitude as you take your own time to mull over some of the responses & how you feel about what steps you can comfortably take. Please keep seeing the therapist, he will help you untangle all the strands of thinking that I am sure your post here has engendered.

As someone who has been there, & come out the other side in one piece & SO much more content in life ... if you feel you would like to reach out to a MN poster by pm, you are very welcome to contact me for a little support & handholding.

Stay strong & put you & the DC first. You have given DH 20 years, you have earned the right to think about you, the children, & what makes you happy.

Oh, you poor thing.

Honestly, everything you've described is absolutely abusive, controlling and completely unacceptable. It doesn't matter that he tells you he loves you. Lots of abusers do that.

I can see you're in a very difficult situation and that this is hard to come to terms with but all I can say is that I hope you do start to see your husband for what he is and manage to get away.

I was reading along and thinking, well OK he does have some very abnormal behaviour but he might have compulsions, anxiety, and other serious mental health problems. Until I saw this:

He would interpret that as me ... trying to push him over the edge.

And at that point it all changed. He thinks that if you are disobedient enough he is entitled to go "over the edge"? And that it will be your fault for pushing him? Well that is a terrible threat to you. And it truly is abuse.

No wonder you walk on eggshells around him. Whether he is technically sane or not, he is dangerous and threatening. If I was in your place I would be walking on tippytoes as well. And I know it's very difficult and you love him and you are only just starting to see how twisted he is.... but I hope that in time you will tippytoe very carefully towards the exit and get yourself and your children to safety.

It's difficult to hear the truth op when you're not ready for it. Been there. Stayed with abusive exh for many more years than I should have thinking it was the right thing for the kids. Friends and family had tried to say a few things to me but I didn't want to hear it. Eventually I hit rock bottom and got divorced and once the dust had settled the relief was immense. Good luck with whatever you decide op.

Lots of good advice here for you (and others in the same position). He seems to think you’re his PA, or indeed “Batman” (army term from Last century referring to someone who was an assistant). You’re soooo much better and much more than he realises. I hope you now know that from all the posters on here and can think about what changes can accomplish. If it’s possible to make any and stay in a relationship with a control freak. Just please be careful though, he may flip if you try and say leave him, and although he’s not been violent so far.....
Hopefully you will find a way to be happy.

Hi I need advise I think my husband is a gas lighter and a narsassist. He has a son who is 19 and left college in July he has no interest in finding a job from what I have seen when he comes to stray, he smokes dope and lives with his mum. My son who is 18 works full time runs a car egg. What i want opinions on is if inam right at going mad that my husband thinks it's ok to give his son 100 a week to do nothing and yet my Lad works all week to earn 200? He says it's his money and he can so what he wants he pays for the food in the house and the car insurance and broadband I pay everything else and he earns twice as much as me he doesn't give me money to do what I want with. He is very good with his mouth and knows how to turn things round and has a problem with alcohol. Any advise please x

He got angry on the morning he was leaving as he felt I was prioritising taking DD to the GP rather than assisting him. He shouted at me “I NEED SUPPORT!” And he said, “you’re my wife, act like it.”

To which this Survivor riposts:
"You're a father, act like it. Start prioritising your daughter's health over your bad temper & poor organisational skills".

This says it all... I was going to offer thoughts about how to deal with this but tbh I think you need to build the strength to leave. Whether you dc are boys or girls the examples you're setting them about adult life are really bad. Please go, he might not hit you but that doesn't mean he isn't abusing you you are worth more than this...

Kjs331979 please start your own thread. This one hasn't been posted on (before you) for a couple of months and your post won't be seen.

I know this is a very old thread but I was wondering how things worked out for you? My sister is in the exact same situation, is in denial, loves him very much and they have kids and planned a future together... yet everyone else sees it's not healthy...